It's a New Day…

Day 199 Question 199:

What motivates you? How do you regain motivation when you feel like you have lost it?

Yesterday I was surfing around Facebook (surprise surprise) and one of my pictures posted the picture above with the headline: Say what you want but she’s DOING IT! What are you doing?  This picture hit close to home because I have struggled with my weight all of my life and I finally hit rock bottom and decided to make a change.  I have been in that place where you feel absolutely huge and repulsive and detest the idea of other people seeing you exercise BUT you do it anyway.  You know that it takes one foot in front of the other.  65+ pounds down and still going.  Many people are judgmental and point fingers saying things like “Well she should have been eating healthy and exercising all along”, “It is her fault for getting so fat!”  Trust me, I KNOW THAT and so does every overweight person out there…even if they are in the state of denial.  Every overweight person struggles with that inside voice….it continually taunts them.  Some people are able to fight that inner voice and make healthy changes while others still struggle.  It is easy for a healthy, fit person to judge and make assumptions (not implying that all do) but as a former obese woman I will tell everyone that the mental struggle an overweight person goes through is not only maddening but severely depressing.  This is not a story of woe is me and I am not asking for anyone’s sympathy….I got myself in the situation and I worked my way out.  I am also empathetic to those that go through the same struggles though because there is nothing easy about changing your lifestyle and becoming healthy….yes it should be a natural thing but in these times (with technology making us lazy and fast food joints on every corner and people working anywhere between 40-80 hours and a week and potentially juggling a family too) it is not unfortunately.  I still don’t eat as healthy as I should…I have a major sweet tooth and sometimes I just have no desire to eat rabbit food (sometimes I do).

Being labeled as obese is what sent me over the edge.  Looking in the mirror and breaking down into tears drove me to change.  People’s mean and spiteful words gave me that extra push to say “FUCK YOU, I AM GOING TO DO THIS!!!”  No, my intention was not to do it for them….I needed to bring my mental state back to a healthier place and I knew it would not get there if I kept going down this same road.  I knew changes were necessary…but I also knew it would be nice to flaunt my now thinner body in front of those people with poor attitudes that told me I was fat or what have you and salute them with my two middle fingers.  I have met plenty of thin/fit people with poor attitudes that just ooze negativity….I would rather be striving for healthy in this “imperfect” body with a little extra padding and be happy and treat people with kindness.  People’s harsh words can sting and in the moment I may feel sad or angry but once those emotions pass I ALWAYS feel driven….driven to better myself and go that extra mile…to be the person that would never treat others that way.  I am motivated by the world around me.  I am motivated by the courage of others.  It would be easy for the woman above to shut herself in her house and just eat and flip through the channels on the TV but she has decided to do something to change her lifestyle…it is obvious that she is challenging herself…that is motivating.  People can make a million excuses and that is all that they are…excuses.  I truly believe that if you want something bad enough, you can have it….but it may take a ridiculous amount of work to get there….it may take a helping hand or a swift kick in the ass by someone that will encourage you every step of the way.

People throughout life are going to throw out ugly words and will tell you that you are wrong or that you are incapable of some things.  I am ok with this….it just adds fuel to my fire.  Instead of holding onto their words and their disbeliefs, I remember that they are probably struggling on the inside too.  When people are ugly and hateful (I truly believe) that it is because they are loathing themselves in that moment and they are trying to make others feel bad in order to make themselves feel better.  It happens to the best of us…we all have moments of weakness when we don’t make the best decisions.

In life I am motivated by so many things.  I am always pushing myself just a little bit more every day to test my limits and to make myself stronger….not always physically….I am talking mentally.  I believe you cannot strengthen yourself physically if you don’t first strengthen yourself mentally.  Once your mind is strong, you will be able to realize and appreciate the strength in your body….and once your body strengthens…your emotional state strengthens.  It is this beautiful cycle.  That, in and of itself, is motivating.

It is not an easy thing to explain but when we fall into these unhealthy ways or have periods of depression or anger or despair, we are letting our ego get the best of us.  We are allowing that little voice inside of us control us like we are puppets in the show called life.  The ego can do very ugly things to people…for many there is a loss of complete control.  Although I knew that my habits were not healthy, I was allowing my ego to control my horrible eating habits and my laziness.  I was allowing my ego to tell me that I was not worthy or good enough so what was the point of even trying.  One day it all came crashing down and I decided I was no longer going to allow my ego to get the best of me.  There is a little saying that: Life Happens Outside of Your Comfort Zone.  Once I started my journey into better health, I found truth beyond truth in this little statement.  I conquered fears and anxieties by pushing myself to do things that I was uncomfortable with.  I started working out among men and women that I didn’t know, even though I was worried about being judged or stared at (which I actually found amusement in later…because I found that most people that are working out are so focused on themselves that they don’t even take the time to pay attention to what anyone else looks like or what they are doing).  I stepped on the scale for the first time in years knowing I would dread the number that would flash before my eyes and that day I set goals…reasonable goals!  I said to myself that from that day forward that I would love myself more and more every single day and stop the internal bashing of myself.  It sometimes takes hitting rock bottom to motivate us to change…I may not have been at rock bottom but I was surely close.  I knew that if I continued down the same path that major health issues (both physically and psychologically) would be inevitable.  I knew that the journey would have moments of high stress and moments of wanting to quit but I refused to do so.  I asked for help by those around me….I asked strictly for encouragement and that was what was given to me.  People cannot know what is going on inside of your head unless you tell them.  It took me until I was about 30 years old to finally talk about the internal and external struggles I was having.  Instead of being judged, I was accepted and had more support than I could have imagined.  Motivation came once I was honest with myself and honest with those around me.  My body is not who I am, it is what I am….although it does not define me, it is important to keep this body healthy so I have many more years to spend with those people that pushed me into this life of better health.  For me it has never been about being skinny…it is about being healthy.  I do not feel great about my body every single day but I have far more days of feeling proud of my accomplishments than not.  It all started with one step forward…it has been nothing completely drastic…just changes I knew I needed to make along the way.  This motivation to better my life makes me want to help others better their lives.  I see and hear and read about young kids and their struggles with self-image and it just shouldn’t be that way.  I want to encourage kids in ways that allow themselves to see themselves as being beautiful both mentally and physically….to teach them that the body is not who we are…..to show them that being different is not a bad thing.

For those that need encouragement and motivation please just reach one hand out and ask for help…whether it be to me or a loved on close to you.  Trust me, you will be amazed at how much motivation you will feel once you allow the weight to be lifted off your shoulders (literally and figuratively).

Day 198 Question 198:

In your opinion, what are some of the biggest “issues” in the world?  Why?

Yesterday I chuckled to myself after reading an old college friend’s status on Facebook.  He said: one would think that gay marriage is all people on Facebook are thinking about today. Glad to see Americans are able to focus on the big issues.  I chuckled because (in my opinion) human rights IS a huge issue in this country.  I consider this person a friend but we rarely see eye to eye on the issues.  I do not know this because of conversations we have had…I know this strictly by his blunt, opinionated posts on Facebook every day.  I respect his points of view as he does stay well-educated and does work on Capitol Hill.  This is a man that (no joke) would run for President within the next 10 years…it would not shock me to see that at all.  I guess I was just dumbfounded by his comment because equality for humans anywhere and everywhere is a MASSIVE issue.  I understand that we have other issues at hand as well but what issues should take precedence????  This made me start to think about what issues I find to be of great importance.  There are thousands and thousands but there are certain issues that seem to stand out in my mind.

I look at myself as a modest individual.  I am well-educated but I try not to flaunt this and I admit to being ignorant on certain topics (religion, science, foreign affairs, etc.).  I rarely speak my peace on these issues because of my lack of education and first-hand experiences.  There are issues though that I have strong opinions on….issues that I have been well-versed in.  I guess I would consider myself a humanitarian because I believe all people should be equal regardless of race, creed, gender or sexual orientation.  I believe we are all human beings that just happen to look a little different.  We all breathe the same air and for the most part we function the same ways (internally and externally).  I believe that although traditions and customs may differ, this does not mean that one person or one culture is dominant to another.  I see these “differences” as opportunities for knowledge and unity as opposed to conflict and the spread of hatred.  I believe hatred and anger is learned.  When I think about what is extremely important in the world, I always think about children and how they are raised and what they have to endure…whether it be by their parents or by their environments.  People can disagree all day long, but it really does take a village to raise a child.  Life is so different even from when I was a child.

As a human being I find it vital to teach children equality.  I would never force my viewpoints down anyone’s throats but I do feel that there are certain topics that need to be addressed and I would love to have my voice heard.  We have come a very long way in eliminating segregation (well mostly eliminating it) but we have not come far enough.  Several groups of people have been looked down upon throughout history as lesser human/less important….blacks, Jews, Muslims, etc.  We have seen our country grow and become more accepting of all groups but we do still segregate homosexuals.  I have ALWAYS believed that people are born gay….with as many mean and spiteful people in the world, I do not believe that anyone would CHOOSE to be gay.  Research has been done on this subject for many many years and several scientists have found that the brain chemistry of gay people is different.  Regardless, we are all human beings and we live in this country that is always preaching freedom and equality but we are not allowing everyone the same opportunities.  Love is love no matter what race, creed or gender that people are.  This is a subject that I will stand behind until my last dying breath.  I do not believe that marriage is only meant as a union between a man and a woman, no matter what the bible supposedly says (which I personally believe the Bible is continually misinterpreted and lost in translation all of the time).  Marriage is a union of love….the joining of two PEOPLE that want to commit their lives to each other.  So when my friend made the statement of us not focusing on the important issues, I felt a little disappointment.  Every human being with a heart-beat and a pulse should have the same exact rights and privileges…unfortunately that is not the world we live in at the moment.  Religion has been a constant cause of conflict…those that live by the words of the Bible believe one way while those of us that are unsure of our beliefs (or do not believe in God at all) believe another.  I know I ruffle many feathers when I start talking about religion and how I do not attend church and am unsure of any higher power.  I open doors for people to try to convince me and even more doors for others to tell me that I am selfish for not putting God first in my life.  Every single day I treat people with kindness.  I do not drink or party.  I do not smoke or do drugs.  I educate myself to better myself all of the time.  I work extremely hard and believe so strongly in compassion and empathy.  In a heartbeat I would rather do for others than for myself.  Regardless of what my religious beliefs are, I know I am a good person that leads a very meaningful and positive life.  I respect people that have strong convictions…I just don’t understand how anyone that believes in God and believes in this way of living is able to deny any group of people of (what I believe to be) human rights and the union of love.  I am not trying to offend anyone (trust me), these are my opinions only…I just personally have a hard time living by the words of a book that was written so very long ago…words that can easily be taken completely out of context.  If there is an existence of God, I believe he would accept ALL….the higher power that I hold any belief in…sees us all as equals.

We live in a world that is full of opportunity and full of beauty but we mask it by fighting over issues that are not necessary to fight over.  I think the fighting we do as adults has a long-lasting impact on our children (remember it takes a village to raise a child).  I have worked with young girls and women and it broke my heart to listen to how they viewed themselves….they view themselves as not thin enough, not pretty enough, or not good enough because society is teaching them that.  How, as a nation, better yet as a world, have we not embraced a healthier way of thinking???  How have we gotten to the point of young women in America starving themselves to death (literally) to be thin but we have young women (people) in other countries that are starving because there is no food available?  These are the things I think about all of the time and I believe being right or wrong is a matter of opinion….either of them being absolute is impossible.  Everything I state here is simply my opinion, and I will continually back my opinions because I do believe they could be beneficial to society as a whole.  I think we have become a nation obsessed with image and technology (and I do unfortunately have to include myself as part of the population) while there are other countries with young children being forced into being war soldiers and having their lives destroyed every single day.  I am not saying we should not take advantage of advancements in technology, I guess I just see the world as a whole being unbalanced and I am unsure of what the solution is.  From the mouth of my father, if there were just two people in the world…there would eventually be an argument.

I find that educating ourselves is what can help bring us together and allow us as people to better understand each other.  I will admit that I have a hard time understanding other people that are so different from myself…but dammit I am trying….and even if I don’t agree, I choose not to use hateful words or actions against them.  I choose to accept our differences and continue moving forward.  Honestly (in a completely non-pompous way), I believe if more people were capable of doing this, we might find the world to be more of a peaceful place.  Unfortunately, this way of thinking is not taught around the world….this way of thinking I had to teach to myself and I had to make it my lifestyle in order to achieve more inner peace.  It may sound outrageous and quirky to some, but the difference it has made in my life alone has been tremendous….the love for myself now compared to the hatred of myself before is monumental.  Every day is not easy and does not come with rainbows and unicorns but the acceptance of that is what makes me feel better both physically and mentally.  Perfection is just a concept…not a reality.  Not one soul on this earth has all of the answers or the solutions to the world’s problems.

I was unsure of what direction this entry would take when I started it and I am a little surprised to see the outcome.  Through every sentence I write, I learn more and more about myself and I do expect criticism and backlash and that does make me nervous but I now have a greater acceptance of these things.  I have fallen in love with the person I have become because I have let go of resentment and anger in my life (not every second of every day…but the majority).  I have chosen to see the good over the bad and allow each day to just guide me accordingly.  I have chosen not to speak in anger or annoyance but to voice my thoughts on paper to just get them out of my system….therapeutic for me with no harm being brought to anyone else.  That is the reason I always promote writing and creativity….it is an outlet that allows people to express themselves and get out all of their thoughts (good or bad) and inner demons without bringing harm to others.

Day 197 Question 197:

Is judgment/being judgmental a natural thing?

I do think it is natural for people to judge.  I would say it is instinctual.  It is holding onto the judgment that causes problems.  The reason I wanted to talk about this is because this past Saturday I went to my parent’s house to have dinner.  They just got back from visiting family up in New York.  Some of these people included my aunt and uncle and their daughter.  While sitting at their camp visiting, my aunt proceeded to tell my mother that she finds me to be weird and believes I am still wild and boy crazy.  My cousin backed up what her mother was saying.  I was pretty floored to find out this information considering none of these people have seen me in over 6 years….I have not had alcohol in almost 2 years and I have not been in a serious relationship in over 5 years (hell the last date that I went on was months ago).  I am pretty sure I could be considered a born-again virgin.  I have changed my life around so drastically for what I believe is the better and people from my own family threw judgment at me with knowing so very liberal.  I found it funny because they have a daughter that is a shut-in, that has not left her couch in almost 3 years now and another daughter that was diagnosed with full-blown diabetes and waited a year to tell them because she knew how they would react.  I was disgusted and hurt because I do not believe family should act like that….but trust me I know I am not the only one with a dysfunctional family.  It is unfortunate but there are many members of my family that I have phased out (for lack of better words) because of their continuous negativity and judgment.  I truly believe that my aunt and uncle live to criticize and judge people and that is not a lifestyle that I can allow myself to be a part of.  Their words cut like a knife when I first heard them then I realized that their words did not change the kind and caring person I am.  Their ignorance saddened me and made me feel sick.  My uncle can refer to black people as the N word without even a flinch or gay people as Fags…they may think I am weird because I am artistic and way more liberal than they are but at least I am not IGNORANT!!!  They judged me and held onto the judgment without even knowing me…after the hurt went away, I realized that was their problem to deal with…not mine.

I will not claim innocence when it comes to this topic though.  I have judged people a lot throughout my life.  I believe that as I have gotten older, I have become more aware of when I am doing it and have made the conscious effort to stop.  I will also admit that not judging can be difficult…I mean when you see a voluptuous woman squeezed into a teeny tiny bikini on the beach, it is not easy to refrain from having some sort of internal reaction.  I would never voice those things to that person though.  Hey, if someone is that bold then good for them.  I may have an initial judgment but I try like hell not to hold onto it.  That is not always easy though.  When you see the world a certain way and hope for certain things and you cross paths with people that think completely opposite of the way you think, it is hard as hell not to judge that person.  I judge Christians all of the time…because I have come across several that seem to preach and preach and preach but when it comes down to it, they are not at all practicing what they are preaching.   I don’t know the ins and outs out of anyone’s lives though…and no matter how much it might make me crazy, some people are never going to change.  If I don’t want to be judged then I need to work on not judging….as much as I possibly can.  What bothered me about my aunt and cousin, was the fact that they are family and they had not been in my physical presence in over 6 years.  I know that even if they had, I would be looked down upon by them.  I have always believed that family should be supportive as much as humanly possible.  I know some circumstances do not allow this but family should not judge and treat each other like trash…at least that is what I think.  I guess I was just emotionally drained the other day and I had a lot on my mind about family.  I would do anything to have a big, close-knit family and I have the exact opposite.  I wish I could bring people together but a great distance separates us all as well as judgment and hatefulness.  I am the type of person that will try to establish and maintain relationships but there comes a point when you know that you just need to sever your ties…even if that means family members.  I believe that once you start feeling uncomfortable and unhappy in the presence of certain people that it is time to evaluate whether or not they need to stay in your life.  I am very different from many people in my family so there are times when I am with others (which is very rare) that I feel like the outcast.  It is not a good feeling but I have also decided that my life is all mine and family is what I want it to be.  I have built my family out of wonderful people that started as just friends but became so much more.  My family is made up of those people that make me smile so much more than cry and those people that may not always agree with me but don’t look down upon me…instead they open my eyes to different ways of thinking.  My family is not huge but it is perfect for me.  The people I speak of know who they are.  They are the people that have taught me to not judge as much as possible and to see with love instead of anger or hatred.  They give me their support the way that family should.  They allow me to be me….even if some of my blood relatives look down on me for doing so.

Judgment can be a very ugly thing.  I would not believe for one second there was even one person in this world that never judged.  I do believe it is human nature.  It is not necessarily a good thing but it is uncontrollable in moments…a thought comes before we even realize it.  I believe it is ok to judge because of this…it is just how we choose to act and react to that judgment.

Day 196 Question 196:

If you were to get married, what would you want as your wedding song? (To my readers, if you are married, what was yours?)

Day 195 Question 195:

Are there actions in life that are completely unforgivable?

I expect to get a lot of commentary on this entry.  A lot of people will not like what I have to say here.  Honestly, I think everything is forgivable.  Yes, I know that is a HUGE thing to say.  I also realize that circumstances could change my mind in mere moments.  Some people may peg me as naïve or just plain ignorant.  If they do, then so be it.  As many of you know, I am not a religious person….I believe more in spirituality.  I believe that God is within and it took me a long time to understand (for myself) what God is Love really means.  I believe that as people, if we do not forgive then we build up a lot of internal negativity in so many forms, whether it be anger, depression, resentment, etc.  There are actions that take place that can absolutely disgust us to the core of our being….rape, murder, child molestation, etc.  Just because we forgive someone for these actions, does not mean we accept or condone the actions.  I choose to forgive because I believe people that perform these sort of behaviors/actions are suffering very deeply.  I feel sorry for people that have chosen to take the lives of others or to act on inappropriate instincts….I believe some people have inner demons and their actions come from those inner demons.  I still forgive these people.

I am not educated on religion like many people are.  I do not know the ins and outs of Catholicism or Christianity or the like.  I know very little about scripture in the Bible.  I do know that many religions focus on forgiveness.  Although I am unsure of my beliefs in the religious sense, this is one aspect I believe in.  Forgiveness is something that has the potential to heal the world…to make is a less ugly and chaotic place.  If you think about it, when you hold in anger or resentment (or any negative feelings) how does your body react?  I know mine just shuts down….depression sets in and I physically feel weak.  There are circumstances in which it is understandable if people have a hard time forgiving….the murder of a loved one or the harming of a child.  I know if anyone that I loved dearly was harmed I would hold in anger for a while but I believe after time had passed I would have to choose forgiveness.  Again, I am not saying I condone the actions, I am just choosing not to hold onto an emotion that is only going to harm my physical and mental state.  There is not one single day that we get to walk in another person’s shoes.  I want to give people the benefit of the doubt in most situations because I believe everyone has goodness in them….but some people’s demons overwhelm the potential for goodness.  I think the actions of the shooter in Colorado are absolutely appalling and horrid but I forgive him because I believe he must have been battling some sort of internal evil or chaos in his head.  I truly believe that people do not perform such horrid acts when they are stable…people that are able to harm or kill with such ease must be battling something that we are not always able to pinpoint.  The human chemistry is a mystery.

I want my readers to remember that these words that I write are my thoughts in this moment right here right now.  I change my opinions and views all of the time based on my feelings and what I am exposed to.  It is easy for me to say what I do about the Colorado shooter or anyone else who has done extreme harm to others because it is something I have not experienced first-hand.  I know that if it was someone close to me that was in that situation, I may not be able to forgive…I would hope after time though that I could.  I spent so much of my life angry at myself and angry at the world and I no longer want to live that way.  I don’t want to hold onto anger or hatred anymore because they serve no ultimate purpose….an eye for an eye only makes the whole world blind.  Other may find that to be naïve because of the current state of the world and yes I have momentary anger or disgust but I choose not to hold onto it because I want to try to keep my mind and body as healthy as possible.  I want to convey and teach love instead of ignorance and selfishness.  My reasoning for choosing this topic to blog about today is because of the article I included below.  This article is written about a man that is in the hospital recovering from gun shots that were a part of the Aurora theater shootings and how he is choosing to forgive the shooter.  Upon reading his words, I had a greater respect for religion (broadly).  This is a man (and I can only say this based on this article) that seems to take the words of the Bible and of his religion to heart…he is practicing what he is preaching (for a lack of better words).  I am sure it is not easy for him to forgive….as it would not be for me if I was part of that situation but he feels it is the right and natural thing to do.  I have reflected on my life and am proud to say I have forgiven in many instances and the benefits from forgiving have long outweighed the “benefits” of holding onto anger or hatred.

Shooter Forgiveness? One Survivor Of ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Massacre Feels Bad For Holmes

Forgiveness for the suspected shooter in the Dark Knight Rises massacre last week seems a far off concept, but one of the victims, still healing from injuries sustained in the bloodbath, is past the anger stage of his recovery.

 Perhaps shooter forgiveness is something most people couldn’t find it in their hearts to consider, which is totally understandable. After all, James Holmes is believed to be the man who gunned down 12 innocent theater patrons in cold blood, and is thought to be responsible for injuring scores more both during the assault and in the ensuing melee.

But forgiving the shooter is something one of the men injured quite badly during the Dark Knight Massacre has already managed to do — and shooting victim Pierce O’Farrill says he feels badly for the man who tried to kill him and dozens of others during the July 20th rampage.

O’Farrill is a member of The Edge Baptist Church, and he feels that Christ’s teachings have influenced his view of the man at the center of the horrible tragedy. O’Farrill says that his faith has enabled him to let go of anger and hatred after he was wounded in the shooting:

“There is an enemy, but the wonderful news is there is a Light, and there is a Light that shines brighter than the darkness ever imaginable.”

O’Farrill says that whatever torment prompted James Holmes to plan the attack and carry
it out is far worse than what the victim himself has endured:

“This is going to be hard for people to understand, but I feel sorry for him… When I think what that soul must be like to have that much hatred and that much anger in his heart—what every day must be like. I can’t imagine getting out of bed every morning and having that much anger and hatred for people that he undoubtedly has. I’m not angry at him. I’ll pray for him.”

O’Farrill’s pastor Ryan Heller says that shooter forgiveness is in line with Christian teachings, and that Jesus’ words reflect as much:

“Some of the other survivors have said that they can’t or won’t forgive [the shooter]. Reporters are contrasting him against other survivors, so it is important to understand what Jesus says about forgiving.”

Although O’Farrill has forgiven the shooter for the attack, shrapnel is still lodged in his chest, and he is still recovering from injuries to his lower leg and foot.

Day 194 Question 194:

What is true strength?

This is a broad question and obviously is one that can be answered individually.  I bet if this answer was posed to lots of people, no two answers would be the same.  When people think of strength in the broad sense, we tend to look at the physical aspect…someone being physically strong…having muscles and being able to move tall building in a single bound.  Yes this is a form of strength.  I see strength as so much more though.

 True strength is having the ability to love and accept oneself for all of the good and all of the “bad”.  I would highly doubt that there is even one person on this Earth that has not doubted themselves or disliked something about themselves at some point or another.  Strength is being able to accept yourself fully and accepting your flaws and working toward change.  In life we are faced with an endless amount of obstacles and our strength is constantly being put to the test.  I have felt many times over that I have failed…I have now come to realize that the only time I have failed is when I truly believed that I failed.  Strength is a mindset…a belief is that you can do anything you really want to do….even if that means falling 100 times before actually achieving the goal at hand.  Strength is believing that you can do it and being able to push yourself a little further than where you were yesterday.

I have questioned my own strength time and time again throughout life.  I make lists of all of these things that I want to accomplish and some things I have and some things I have not.  I tend to make excessive lists though because I see life moving so fast and I want to achieve and learn as much as I possibly can.  I have grown stronger over time because I have accepted myself for who I am…I am indecisive and I am nervous…I am quirky and all over the place…..I am loud but non-confrontational.  It is not always easy to accept who we are.  I have moments when I just feel lower than low.  I sometimes look in the mirror and will criticize everything about myself…my aging skin, my imperfect body that is covered in stretch marks….the body that will never be tight and fit.  My strength came when I realized that everything in life is a choice….how we act and react is our own personal choice.  My strength came when I realized that I needed to start living for me and not for the likes of everyone else (which sounds much easier than it actually is).  I am non-confrontational and I am a people pleaser…..these may not be the most appealing qualities but because I am aware of them and I have accepted it as part of who I am (until I decide to change…which may or may not happen), I am now stronger.  I used to be the outgoing person that always had to be the center of attention….I sought out attention because I didn’t like myself.  I am now someone that spends a lot of time by myself (by my choice) and I enjoy this.  I have found myself and have learned more about my wants and my needs…..being the center of attention is no longer necessary and honestly, it doesn’t feel natural.  Strength came for me when I changed my lifestyle…I realized that I was living a lifestyle in the past that was destroying the beautiful person inside of me that was aching to get out.

True strength is being able to tell yourself that you are beautiful and meaning it.

True strength is being able to accept yourself for EVERYTHING you are!

True strength is conquering fears and doing over saying!

True strength is showing vulnerability….in my opinion being vulnerable is one of the most difficult but most real, honest and genuine things in the entire world!

True strength is standing up for what you believe in, even if you are standing alone!

True strength is choosing love over hate…even through all of the madness and chaos in the world!

Day 193 Question 193:

 When you are feeling out of sorts/down, what do you do to pick yourself back up?

 It is inevitable that in life you are going to have those moments when you don’t feel completely up to par or your head feels like it is in shambles.  It happens to the best of us as much as we try to avoid it.  Life is busy and chaotic and sometimes our mind and bodies just can’t keep up with the stresses.  I am extremely self-aware when it comes to moments like this in my life nowadays.  I used to wallow in my loneliness and spend days having a pity-party for myself….with me being the only sad and depressed guest.  Nowadays, I may spend time alone but I try to be productive or to expose myself to positivity in some way or another.  I make sure to focus on things that I know make me happy or things that perk my interest…even if it is watching documentaries on serial killers (ha ha).  When I expose myself to my passions and my interests, it drives my creativity and that is what I love the most.

It can be easy to become lost in times of depression or loneliness.  It can be easy to loathe everything around you because everything just seems to be going wrong at one time.  I have realized that that is just the cycle of life.  We would never be able to appreciate the good if we never experienced the bad.  I spend a lot of time reading…whether it be lists of positive affirmations, cultural non-fictions, or silly erotic thrillers.  I love to read so much….I wish I had more time for it.  I have exposed myself to quotes and positive affirmations every single day to remind myself of not only my beauty and strength but of the beauty in the world right outside of my door.  This is what I wanted to share with my readers today.  We are constantly bombarded with stories that make us sad or angry or distraught…it is easy to see the world as a horrible place (trust me I have been swayed to believe that from time to time) but there is so much beauty and I wanted to remind all of my friends (live and virtual) of that.  I wanted to share things that have lifted me and have made me fall in love with the world as oppose to detest it day in and day out in hopes that you can have a better today…a better tomorrow…a better year…a better life.  I hope you enjoy. I hope you are able to see your own beauty every single minute or every single day.  I hope through all of the bad you are still able to believe in the good.  I hope love guides you over anything else.  :0)

Day 191 Question 191:

Is money the root of all evil?

How many times have we all heard the phrase “money is the root of all evil”?  Over and over and over again.  Is there truth behind this?  I believe evil comes only in the form of humans to be honest but there are sources that play a part in the evil acts and money without a doubt is one of those sources.  I believe (undoubtedly) money can drive people to evil…with evil being a very broad and personally defined term.

The reason I came up with this question for today is because I read an article this morning that kind of saddened me.  As many of you know I am absolutely obsessed with the sitcom Modern Family (almost in an unhealthy way…hahaha).  The cast of this show has filed a lawsuit because they are unhappy with their contracts.  According to reports, five of the cast members are being offered salary increases for between $150,000 per episode to $325,000 per episode between now and season 9.  Seriously, WHO needs that kind of money (and remember I said NEEDS)?  I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about how screwed up the monetary priorities are in this country.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect, I have an iPhone and I spend money on things I don’t need from time to time but I also do not have money continually going into my account that exceeds well beyond what I need or want.  This country is considered so dominant and the “best country in the world”.  Is it because of money?  Is it because money and materials drive people?  I can’t wrap my brain around why ONE person were to need such an excessive amount of money???  In my opinion, making $30,000,000 for one movie is unnecessary and just plain ridiculous.  We have teachers scraping to ends meet but actors, athletes and musicians (some that have never even finished high school) practically swimming in money.

Some people could read this and assume that I am jealous or assume that if it were me that I would take the money and run but I can’t believe that to be true at all.  Honestly, money makes me uncomfortable in a way.  I have borrowed money from my parents in the past in times of need and desperation (because I was not able to make ends meet) and have cried senselessly because of how bad I felt.  I get uncomfortable when someone buys me something or pays for a meal for me (even on a date).  I will accept these things but I will also show my gratitude and return the favor.  If anything, I prefer doing for others….even if it is something small.  I do not believe there is a profession in the world that is worthy of millions and millions of dollars per year.  Our country is in this “Great Recession”…well maybe part of the reason is because what money there is here is being handed out to this “elite” crowd of people.  What makes an actor worthy of $30,000,000+ a movie but a teacher (that can have upwards of 25 to 30 students in her class) is only worthy of between $30,000 to $40,000 (this number varies per state) per year?

I understand that I play a part in the salaries that these actors are making because I watch the show/movies.  Yes, I guess I am at fault.  It is a vicious cycle.  My point is, IN MY OPINION, money has gotten out of hand.  For some people, when is enough going to be enough?  Is there ever going to be enough for some people?  I do not think money is the root of all evil but when people get money (especially in excess) it can turn them very ugly and very greedy….for some, money makes them feel entitled.  My question is, why are some people OWED?  In other countries, some people live with very little and are completely content because they have their families and loved ones around them.  In this country, people lose their shit if they are not able to buy the latest techno gadget or top brand designer outfits.  Relationships have lost value in this country because money and material are topping their importance (IN MY OPINION….and remember before you jump down my throat, I admit to being guilty myself sometimes).  Money can make some aspects of life a little easier.  If you make enough to live comfortably (able to pay all of your bills and have a little extra money for travels, hobbies, etc.) that is wonderful.  I just don’t see the point of NEEDING millions and millions and millions of dollars.  Why do people need more money than they are even capable of spending in their lifetimes?  Who has decided what careers are worthy of what salaries….it seems like such an imbalance to me.  A firefighter or a military soldier do not even make a fraction of what “famous” people make….and they risk their lives day in and day out.  If we are such a “dominant” country, why have we yet to figure out how to balance money in a way that doesn’t bring greed or poverty???  What are the true priorities of this country?  I mean, we have these candidates running for pregnancy that speak of “fixing” this country’s economic problems yet millions and millions of dollars are being spent on negative campaigning.  Negative campaigning disgusts me so much.

My point in any venue in which I state MY OPINION is not to debate or convince people that I am right.  I just have an opinion so I am choosing to express it.  Through my experiences, I have seen money being a root cause of greedy and ugly behavior amongst people.  The actions of the Modern Family casts stirred a lot of thoughts in my head about how I feel about money and what effect it has on people.  It is one of those things that people need to practice great control with but unfortunately many are not able to (myself included sometimes).

Day 190 Question 190:

What makes you different and unique?  What makes you stand out?

I hate writing about all kinds of sappy shit.  I hate writing about feeling lonely.  It makes me feel like a big whiner when I do that but there are small moments that I have…moments when I wish I had someone to wrap their arms around me and make me laugh and to listen to me talk endlessly about my passions, my dreams, my loves and my fears.  I want someone to look at me and not through me…someone that won’t just nod their head but truly hear the words that I am saying.  I love my life immensely but I have those moments when I do feel all alone…I feel like my mind has overtaken me and it has left me in a world by myself…a place no one else can relate to…if that even makes any sense.  These moments come few and far between and throughout life I no longer want to rely on others to do what I know I am capable of but I do long for that companionship.  I do long for someone to tell me that all will be ok because they know that is what I need to hear.  I think the piece that I have mentioned that is missing is that feeling of someone not just hearing me but actually understanding me.  I have been so conscious of my actions and have made sure to show interest in others and to ask them questions and talk about them and through doing that I think that I have held so much of me inside.  I have been waiting for the right person to share this person that is still hidden inside.  This person hidden inside is not meant to be shared with everyone and I know that…this person will only rise to the surface for the right person.

As much as I fight it and as much as I love my independence and my strength as a woman, I do have this romantic side.  For the right person my walls would come down and I say that with confidence because I feel that.  For the first time in my life I have accepted me for all that I am.  I see my strengths over my weaknesses and I still see my weaknesses as strengths…..because I have the ability to change them.  This does not mean I have stopped questioning and stopped wondering.  All of the time I wonder what I am doing wrong when it comes to dating/men/relationships then I remember that I am doing nothing wrong…love is a natural thing….if I am uncomfortable or not attracted then it is not meant to be.  If someone does not see my beauty then that is on them not me…love should never be forced.  I believe far too many people force it simply out of momentary loneliness or desperation.  I have done that before and I do not want to do it again.  I want to write my own romantic comedy called Life….filled with the good, the bad, and the heart-breaking because it is those moments of heart-break that strengthen us and make up realize what is really important.

As maddening as life can be sometimes and having those days when you feel so unbalanced, I still love it.  Even words aren’t able to express my feelings sometimes.  My feelings and my thoughts are sometimes two very separate things and although my thoughts can frustrate me, I love the feelings that I get.  I love that feeling of warmth in my heart…and even when I feel panic I embrace it because it makes me remember that I am alive.  I love that I have one day of frustration followed by the next day of excitement and love and wonder.  I love that I have the fairytale already because I experience most things with happiness in mind…and body.  I love that I refuse to settle…under any circumstances….and I know that everything I do in life is my choice.  I don’t live making a bunch of excuses along the way.  Unfortunately, a lot of other people do which makes the weeding out process in life long and tedious….but that is all a part of it.

There isn’t something specific that is in your face that makes me stand out in a crowd.  I am outgoing when I want to be or an observer when I want to be.  I still am amazed at how much I have changed as a person and I am thankful to have progressed instead of regressed (FINALLY)!  I had a lot of regression in life….2 steps forward and 542 steps back…by my own fault.  I see a lot of people go through that and although there are people in life that I generally do not feel a connection to or have no interest in having a relationship with, I do hope they are able to find a way that is positive.  This way of thinking is what makes me different from a lot (at least I believe).  Without even realizing it, a majority of people in this world point the fingers at other people or other things when they should be pointing the finger at themselves.  It is not considered weak to admit that you are wrong or have made a mistake….at least it shouldn’t be considered weak.  We are what we learn though and this has been something that has been learned over and over and over again.  Every day I strive to keep the negativity out as much as possible and I know some people just think I am being fake….when in truth there is nothing fake about it.  I watch people spew hatred and negativity every single day and get angry over things that are either fixable or completely out of their control and I strive not to be that way….I strive not to be that way because I don’t want people to feel about me the way I feel about those people in moments like those.  I see life as an opportunity and not a necessity.  I no longer waste my days by not learning….I take in as much information as I can…even if I am doing so by lying in bed in my pajama.  I embraced changes and chose something different from what I have ever known and there are still times when it feels uncomfortable and awkward but I know it is where I am supposed to be.  I would choose the person I am over the person I was just one year ago over and over again.

Day 189 Question 189:

Do you ever have recurring dreams? What are they about?

Do you ever have those days where it feels like something unidentifiable if surrounding you and you can’t shake it?  Over the past few nights I have stayed at my parent’s house because they are visiting my sister in New York.  Obviously sleeping at their house is foreign to me because I rarely stay there.  My sleep has been different from what it is at my own place.  I dream quite often (which is a side effect of my medicine) but it seems like my dreams have been extra vivid since staying at my parent’s house.  I woke the other morning after having a dream I did not at all want to wake from.  I was at my old Middle School for some sort of reunion event.  I remember standing in the hall with someone whose face I cannot remember and holding onto him really tight.  I know he only had 3 weeks before being deployed for a year and a half.  I remember pulling away from him and looking at him and saying, “I don’t know what I am going to do without you.”  I remember feeling so much love for this person but also feeling so much sadness because we were going to have to be apart for so long.  It was creepy in a way because what I felt in this dream was the love that I always talk about…it felt so real and natural.  I drifted in and out and could not hold onto the dream or the feeling.  When I awoke I felt that sinking in my chest because it did feel as if something was missing.

I find dreams to be so fascinating.  I know very little about dream interpretation or the mechanics of the brain and how our daily lives are linked with what we dream about.  I do not have a specific dream that I have over and over again but there are themes that seem to play over and over in my dreams.  This is going to sound so wacky but I have dreams almost regularly about disgustingly filthy public bathrooms.  I have no idea what this connects to in my conscious life.  I also find it very interesting that I quit smoking almost 10 years ago and I will still have dreams a few times a year in which I smoke cigarettes (usually in a bar or social setting) and when I wake up I have to figure out whether or not I really smoked (which I never did).  The strange thing is that in my dreams, I had quit smoking and I start up again and I always have a feeling of guilt because I had not smoked for so long and I completely broke the long stretch.  I have had dreams several times about my teeth breaking or coming out in large pieces.  I have had several dreams about being hunted down by a madman or driving my car into water.  I have had the naked in public dream more than once as well as being pregnant (and I am usually always rubbing my big pregnant belly).

I do believe that our dreams do tell stories in a way.  They have a connection to our lives if even in just a slight way.  The dream I had the other night of the face-less man really did shake me because it made me feel like something was missing in my life.  I am extremely happy in life and love everything that I have and all of my opportunities but for a very long time I have always felt like there was someone or something missing.  I have always felt like there was a disconnect in my life…that piece that would help me make sense of things.  I sometimes wonder if our dreams are trying to tell us something.  Intimacy and romantic relationships are the aspect in my life that I have the hardest time with.  I just don’t know what to do or what I want when it comes to committing myself to another person (for lack of better words).  Recently I started talking to a guy online and we have chatted on the phone a few times.  We actually met probably 2 months ago (virtually) and we were chatting and texting then he all of a sudden just stopped talking to me.  I didn’t take it seriously because we hadn’t met or anything so I just blew it off.  He contacted me about a week ago apologizing, telling me he got wrapped up in work and he needed to balance his life better.  We emailed and talked on the phone and I still felt skeptical.  He mentioned meeting but it would be so casual and he would mention meeting up late at night or on a whim.  I really just stopped putting in the effort because in all honesty, I am sick of meeting one after another that puts no effort in.  I know it would be a first date/initial meeting so it wouldn’t have to be over the top but for once I would like to be asked out on a proper date and have a man be kind and respectful.  After years and years and years of no effort being put in, I have just given up…maybe I exude something to men that makes them think they don’t have to put effort in….I really don’t know.  It hurts my feelings and I shut that part of my life out because I am over that feeling of not being important enough for someone to even try….a person can only feel that way for so long.  This is not an entry of woe is me and I know it seems that I have gone off topic….but in truth my dream tugged at my heart strings.  I am a woman that would love to have the companionship of a man that involves intimacy of course but also someone that is my best friend…someone that doesn’t make me feel bad about myself but instead lifts me up….and I would do the same for them.  My dream made me feel that way….it made me feel a love that was easy and natural….a love with an unspoken understanding of each other.

I am kind of all over the place as you can see.  My heart is always in this state of romance (as strange as that sounds) which I think plays into my dreams at night.  I believe I am being tested in certain ways….tested of my strength through my dreams and through my day to day life.  I think sometimes my dreams sometimes cue me to test my strength….to show me that I am stronger than I sometimes believe I am or feel that I am.  Right now I do feel like crying a little but because my heart is heavy and I do feel a twinge of loneliness but I am reminding myself in the same that crying and feeling lonely are not signs of weakness…they are what make me human.  Sometimes I try to be super human by acting like I don’t care when in truth I really do.  Things bother me sometimes.  I can be fragile and sensitive.  I believe my dreams sometimes challenge me (especially the frightening ones) so I am able to see that life is not so bad and I am way more courageous than I think I am.