Day 197 Question 197:
Is judgment/being judgmental a natural thing?
I do think it is natural for people to judge. I would say it is instinctual. It is holding onto the judgment that causes problems. The reason I wanted to talk about this is because this past Saturday I went to my parent’s house to have dinner. They just got back from visiting family up in New York. Some of these people included my aunt and uncle and their daughter. While sitting at their camp visiting, my aunt proceeded to tell my mother that she finds me to be weird and believes I am still wild and boy crazy. My cousin backed up what her mother was saying. I was pretty floored to find out this information considering none of these people have seen me in over 6 years….I have not had alcohol in almost 2 years and I have not been in a serious relationship in over 5 years (hell the last date that I went on was months ago). I am pretty sure I could be considered a born-again virgin. I have changed my life around so drastically for what I believe is the better and people from my own family threw judgment at me with knowing so very liberal. I found it funny because they have a daughter that is a shut-in, that has not left her couch in almost 3 years now and another daughter that was diagnosed with full-blown diabetes and waited a year to tell them because she knew how they would react. I was disgusted and hurt because I do not believe family should act like that….but trust me I know I am not the only one with a dysfunctional family. It is unfortunate but there are many members of my family that I have phased out (for lack of better words) because of their continuous negativity and judgment. I truly believe that my aunt and uncle live to criticize and judge people and that is not a lifestyle that I can allow myself to be a part of. Their words cut like a knife when I first heard them then I realized that their words did not change the kind and caring person I am. Their ignorance saddened me and made me feel sick. My uncle can refer to black people as the N word without even a flinch or gay people as Fags…they may think I am weird because I am artistic and way more liberal than they are but at least I am not IGNORANT!!! They judged me and held onto the judgment without even knowing me…after the hurt went away, I realized that was their problem to deal with…not mine.
I will not claim innocence when it comes to this topic though. I have judged people a lot throughout my life. I believe that as I have gotten older, I have become more aware of when I am doing it and have made the conscious effort to stop. I will also admit that not judging can be difficult…I mean when you see a voluptuous woman squeezed into a teeny tiny bikini on the beach, it is not easy to refrain from having some sort of internal reaction. I would never voice those things to that person though. Hey, if someone is that bold then good for them. I may have an initial judgment but I try like hell not to hold onto it. That is not always easy though. When you see the world a certain way and hope for certain things and you cross paths with people that think completely opposite of the way you think, it is hard as hell not to judge that person. I judge Christians all of the time…because I have come across several that seem to preach and preach and preach but when it comes down to it, they are not at all practicing what they are preaching. I don’t know the ins and outs out of anyone’s lives though…and no matter how much it might make me crazy, some people are never going to change. If I don’t want to be judged then I need to work on not judging….as much as I possibly can. What bothered me about my aunt and cousin, was the fact that they are family and they had not been in my physical presence in over 6 years. I know that even if they had, I would be looked down upon by them. I have always believed that family should be supportive as much as humanly possible. I know some circumstances do not allow this but family should not judge and treat each other like trash…at least that is what I think. I guess I was just emotionally drained the other day and I had a lot on my mind about family. I would do anything to have a big, close-knit family and I have the exact opposite. I wish I could bring people together but a great distance separates us all as well as judgment and hatefulness. I am the type of person that will try to establish and maintain relationships but there comes a point when you know that you just need to sever your ties…even if that means family members. I believe that once you start feeling uncomfortable and unhappy in the presence of certain people that it is time to evaluate whether or not they need to stay in your life. I am very different from many people in my family so there are times when I am with others (which is very rare) that I feel like the outcast. It is not a good feeling but I have also decided that my life is all mine and family is what I want it to be. I have built my family out of wonderful people that started as just friends but became so much more. My family is made up of those people that make me smile so much more than cry and those people that may not always agree with me but don’t look down upon me…instead they open my eyes to different ways of thinking. My family is not huge but it is perfect for me. The people I speak of know who they are. They are the people that have taught me to not judge as much as possible and to see with love instead of anger or hatred. They give me their support the way that family should. They allow me to be me….even if some of my blood relatives look down on me for doing so.
Judgment can be a very ugly thing. I would not believe for one second there was even one person in this world that never judged. I do believe it is human nature. It is not necessarily a good thing but it is uncontrollable in moments…a thought comes before we even realize it. I believe it is ok to judge because of this…it is just how we choose to act and react to that judgment.
“People walkin’ up to you, shouting glory hallelujah ;
then they try to stick it to you, in the name of the Lord.”
I loved this part “They judged me and held onto the judgment without even knowing me…after the hurt went away, I realized that was their problem to deal with…not mine” This is exactly how I am trying to live too. It does seem tougher with family, to not get hurt, just higher expectations I guess.
I love your Q’s of the day its good to explore instead of accuse. I am like you, I have judged people, and I am judged all the time. As I grow I think I learn that everybody will learn just at the speed they want! I acknowledge that I don’t like what someone did, or that I will not do that but the difference is I don’t look down on them. Im 27 I have slept with only 4 guys and thats mainly because I have my own issues and refuse to give that part of me away, I have friends that have slept with that many people last week, Im not better than them, and they are not worse off than me. We each have our own life. I love them for the core of them who they are, not who they screw. As you get older you will care less about what others think as long as you think your great. My step mom recently said that my lil sister had a bad attitude and was acting like me! She didn’t mean for me to hear but I did, for me it was hurtful but I think she just needed someone to blame on why she can’t handle her teen! I let my feelings go and decided that was not my issue. Your family has there own issues FUCK THEM! lol I mean no disrespect!! *Alix*
Excellent post! I’ve unfortunately had the same experience as you and found that even though I feel very strong in mind and spirit, hurtful words will still always be and feel hurtful, and after some time has passed I know I will be able to regain my strength in mind but initially it takes me down. I’ve found my expectations of family to be higher because the world has always said “blood is thicker than water”, so my expectation is that if anyone should have your back, it’s family. When they don’t meet that expectation it’s beyond disappointing, especially when things are not just hurtful but going past the basic boundaries of respect. I can definitely relate!
The best advice I ever hear contains, in part, “Judge not, that ye be not judged!” Also, “He who is without sin cast the first stone” seems applicable here!
Reblogged this on The Socialist News.
ugh, it sounds tough! I agree, being born in a different country but came over to US at a young age, I have sort of the same problem but it expresses itself differently. My parents are very controlling and very repressive of free expression, but the awful part is they don’t see it that way, they’re helping and discipling they believe. It can get very isolating, irritiating, and painful. The best thing is to do is take a deep breath, show them love and try to explain when you are calmer or better yet when they are calmer and better able to be spoken to. Generally if they are in a group of people, they are more apt to be defensive of their words. So one on one comfortable conversation is better. Take a deep breath if it gets hard to speak or if you feel angry.or walk away. If they still don’t buy your explanation, well you’ve done your part, relax 🙂
God is in control and there are worser things that can happen, focus on the good traits and behaviors. Don’t betray your family, but by your actions show kindness to your aunt and her daughter. No one in this world is perfect, everyone is a disappointment, someday your children might say something similiar hehe.
“Love your enemies, and pray for those who use you”, you got nothing to lose sister, keep calm and TRUST JESUS!
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Hi Diane, Well spoken throughout your post. You are correct. I watched it happen to a sweet gentle woman recovering from H1Ni when her husband was suddenly struck and killed by a careless driver leaving her with 3 children to care for. His parents (loving? christians who had been very close to him/family) tried to first alienate her children from her and then finally get her/them evicted from their home of 12 years. (This brave woman perservered and now owns her home & has removed her in-laws from her life. Sometimes there are things that are not forgiveable! And sometimes friends turn out to be the best family ever. Way to go!!!!
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