Day 190 Question 190:
What makes you different and unique? What makes you stand out?
I hate writing about all kinds of sappy shit. I hate writing about feeling lonely. It makes me feel like a big whiner when I do that but there are small moments that I have…moments when I wish I had someone to wrap their arms around me and make me laugh and to listen to me talk endlessly about my passions, my dreams, my loves and my fears. I want someone to look at me and not through me…someone that won’t just nod their head but truly hear the words that I am saying. I love my life immensely but I have those moments when I do feel all alone…I feel like my mind has overtaken me and it has left me in a world by myself…a place no one else can relate to…if that even makes any sense. These moments come few and far between and throughout life I no longer want to rely on others to do what I know I am capable of but I do long for that companionship. I do long for someone to tell me that all will be ok because they know that is what I need to hear. I think the piece that I have mentioned that is missing is that feeling of someone not just hearing me but actually understanding me. I have been so conscious of my actions and have made sure to show interest in others and to ask them questions and talk about them and through doing that I think that I have held so much of me inside. I have been waiting for the right person to share this person that is still hidden inside. This person hidden inside is not meant to be shared with everyone and I know that…this person will only rise to the surface for the right person.
As much as I fight it and as much as I love my independence and my strength as a woman, I do have this romantic side. For the right person my walls would come down and I say that with confidence because I feel that. For the first time in my life I have accepted me for all that I am. I see my strengths over my weaknesses and I still see my weaknesses as strengths…..because I have the ability to change them. This does not mean I have stopped questioning and stopped wondering. All of the time I wonder what I am doing wrong when it comes to dating/men/relationships then I remember that I am doing nothing wrong…love is a natural thing….if I am uncomfortable or not attracted then it is not meant to be. If someone does not see my beauty then that is on them not me…love should never be forced. I believe far too many people force it simply out of momentary loneliness or desperation. I have done that before and I do not want to do it again. I want to write my own romantic comedy called Life….filled with the good, the bad, and the heart-breaking because it is those moments of heart-break that strengthen us and make up realize what is really important.
As maddening as life can be sometimes and having those days when you feel so unbalanced, I still love it. Even words aren’t able to express my feelings sometimes. My feelings and my thoughts are sometimes two very separate things and although my thoughts can frustrate me, I love the feelings that I get. I love that feeling of warmth in my heart…and even when I feel panic I embrace it because it makes me remember that I am alive. I love that I have one day of frustration followed by the next day of excitement and love and wonder. I love that I have the fairytale already because I experience most things with happiness in mind…and body. I love that I refuse to settle…under any circumstances….and I know that everything I do in life is my choice. I don’t live making a bunch of excuses along the way. Unfortunately, a lot of other people do which makes the weeding out process in life long and tedious….but that is all a part of it.
There isn’t something specific that is in your face that makes me stand out in a crowd. I am outgoing when I want to be or an observer when I want to be. I still am amazed at how much I have changed as a person and I am thankful to have progressed instead of regressed (FINALLY)! I had a lot of regression in life….2 steps forward and 542 steps back…by my own fault. I see a lot of people go through that and although there are people in life that I generally do not feel a connection to or have no interest in having a relationship with, I do hope they are able to find a way that is positive. This way of thinking is what makes me different from a lot (at least I believe). Without even realizing it, a majority of people in this world point the fingers at other people or other things when they should be pointing the finger at themselves. It is not considered weak to admit that you are wrong or have made a mistake….at least it shouldn’t be considered weak. We are what we learn though and this has been something that has been learned over and over and over again. Every day I strive to keep the negativity out as much as possible and I know some people just think I am being fake….when in truth there is nothing fake about it. I watch people spew hatred and negativity every single day and get angry over things that are either fixable or completely out of their control and I strive not to be that way….I strive not to be that way because I don’t want people to feel about me the way I feel about those people in moments like those. I see life as an opportunity and not a necessity. I no longer waste my days by not learning….I take in as much information as I can…even if I am doing so by lying in bed in my pajama. I embraced changes and chose something different from what I have ever known and there are still times when it feels uncomfortable and awkward but I know it is where I am supposed to be. I would choose the person I am over the person I was just one year ago over and over again.