It's a New Day…

Day 269 Question 269:

What makes you nervous and why?

Worry is one of those things that serves absolutely no beneficial purpose yet I still do it.  I have been “nervous in the service” since I was a wee little thing.  I can’t quite explain why…I think it is partly built into my genetics.  I am ok with being a nervous person though because I now live a much more Zen way of life….I accept my feelings for what they are.  The more I do this the more at ease I feel and the calm lasts much longer than the storm.

So, what is it that makes me so nervous?  I can’t pinpoint just one thing to be exact.  My brain is in a constant forward motion.  I guess it is the unknown that makes me nervous which causes the worry sometimes.  I want things to turn out a certain way but all kinds of scenarios play out in my head.  It is in these times that I need to remind myself that all we have is now and the future cannot be controlled because it has not yet happened.  I get nervous about losing people in my life and I get nervous about how I will react to it.  I have grown immensely over the past year and I am stronger than I have ever been but that thought of falling back into that place of panic does rattle my mind from time to time.  I wonder if I will be able to survive without my mother after she has parted from this life.  I wonder if I will ever know whether anyone truly sees me for who I really am….if that is even possible.

I have this curious mind and yes I do sometimes worry about what other people think of me and I get nervous assuming that it is the worst….not always just sometimes.  There are people in life that seem to walk around with so much control and so much ease and it is those people that make me nervous.  I don’t know their stories and for all I do know they may be an emotional trainwreck on the inside.  There are those people though that have no fear of voicing their thoughts or opinions and could care less how others feel about them….those are the people that make me nervous because I am so opposite of that.  I don’t want to hurt people or offend people so I keep many of my thoughts inside (at least vocally) which says to me sometimes that I am not strong enough to stand behind what I believe in.  Maybe that is true.  Maybe it is not.  I guess that is why I have chosen the outlet of writing to be my main form of expression.  It is the place that makes me feel the most comfortable and I am able to express my thoughts in a genuinely open and honest way.

Regardless of what makes me nervous and worrisome I still enjoy life immensely.  Instead of seeing the fault in worry I choose to see the beauty in it.  I see my nervousness as proof that I care…it is the compassionate and empathetic part of me.  I don’t believe everyone is meant to have a big voice.  I do have a big voice and I love sharing my thoughts and opinions but over and over again I will say that they are just that….thoughts and opinions.  I get nervous around people that can voice their thoughts with such strong convictions knowing they are right because I cannot wrap my brain around it.  I don’t understand how people know for certain that they are right and I definitely don’t understand how they can vocalize to others that they are right.  Doing that seems like such an invasion….for me everything in life is a maybe.  I am never truly convinced and I am ok with that because it allows me to shape my life the way I want it to be.

Of course I want people to see me as nice and kind and caring but there are people that won’t.  There will be times that my actions will prove that I am not always those things.  Criticism and misunderstanding are never easy things to deal with and being 100% completely honest does make me nervous because backlash is almost always a given.  There are times when I feel I am unable to express myself clearly because there are no words for my feelings and at those times I wish people could crawl into my body to get a better understanding.  I think this is why I am constantly giving out disclaimers, “I do not mean this in a mean way” or “I say this with no disrespect” or “This is strictly my opinion”.  I believe there are many people out there that are ready to give backlash no matter what and the nervous side of me is never ready for it.  I feel that if I tell someone to fuck off then I am no better than they are and everything I have worked for has been useless.  I will say it again like I have said it one thousand times….life is this great balancing act.  Being in my own head sometimes is absolutely nerve racking because I just want to turn it all off.  I hate to say it but sometimes I wish I could be happily ignorant because it can be overwhelming.  I cannot hold onto that though because I know I have a gift…I am meant to always dig a little big deeper and dive deeper into my consciousness.  I may not always know why people do as they do or why things happen as they do but I do know that life happens as it is meant to and I choose to believe I am being challenged every single day.

Day 268 Question 268:

What is your philosophy on love/relationships?

And here we come back to the endless topic of love.  The other night I had a long conversation with a very close friend and we were discussing relationships of the past and what we are both wanting at this time and the future.  It was really intriguing to learn how different our wants were.  Neither want was better or more logical than the other (at least I don’t think so), they were just very different.  She spoke of wanting to be married and I spoke of being very undecided.  I told her how much I have changed in just the last couple of years.  I respect people that want to get married and have dreams of family….I admire their convictions.  For myself, my feelings have shifted and my philosophy on love (for myself) has changed quite drastically.

I grew up assuming I would get married because that is just what you do when you get older.  I would live the life with a house and a husband and children running around.  I always thought that this was what I wanted but the older that I got the more I realized that I really was unsure.  Yes, I would love to have a male companion in my life to share experiences with but I do not find it a necessity.  This is strictly my opinion but I think a lot of people settle and I have settled more than once in the past and it only led to heartache at the time.  I truly believe that some people are unable to survive on their own and I feel the need to prove that I can.  I want everyone to remember (if they have read this far), this is simply my opinion based on my personal experiences.  I am not saying that I am right…I am simply stating what I feel.  My philosophy on love is that it should be one of the most simple, most natural things in the world.  I believe that if two people are truly “meant” to be together that it should not be work….their lives will fall into sync.  Even if the two do not always agree with each other, they are able to communication so easily because of being in sync.  Real love does not come with doubt.  I believe that when we keep questioning whether it is real or not then we are messing with the natural cycle of love.  I know it sounds far-fetched to some but I spent many years of my life settling out of loneliness and the thought that I didn’t want to be alone because I was getting older.  The societal clock was ticking and everyone around me was getting married and having children and here I was still alone.  There is nothing wrong with being alone….absolutely nothing wrong.  The problem is that people tend to confuse being alone with loneliness.  My alone time is when I find my true loves…I fall in love with myself just a little bit more.  I can’t help but think that if I have this amazing love for my life….how much more beautiful a love shared would be.  I believe that love with another will happen at the exact moment it is meant to.  For myself, everything inside of me tells me to live strictly for me.  I completely respect everyone else’s choices….I simply speak for me.  I may get married one day (who knows) but I do not feel it necessary for myself to prove that I love someone.  Right now I find it vital to love myself before loving anyone else (romantically) and as time has passed the more I have found that love.  I truly believe that the more you love yourself the more you are able to love another person….on a much deeper level.

Yesterday I had someone respond to my blog and I won’t get into details but part of his comment was that he wanted to kick bleeding heart liberals out of the country or even just to hell.  Those words haven’t left my mind because regardless of what my political standpoint is, I guess I do have a bleeding heart.  Love is not something to take for granted and people may say I overanalyze it and take it too seriously but there are certain things I don’t think should be taken lightly.  I have watched many people (friends, family members and strangers) go through tumultuous relationships and I have often wondered how those people perceive themselves.  Sadly, I believe that far too many people do not have a healthy view of themselves and because of this relationships fail or suffer or should have never began in the first place.  I know it seems like I am coming from a negative place but that is not my intention.  People are going to take this their own way.  I have experienced heartache before and I do not blame the other person for it.  I have found that for a great deal of my life I have not been honest with myself…I have never really sat down and thought about what I really wanted and needed.  I know that I cannot give myself to someone that would not be able to hear what I am saying and actually absorb it.  I understand that my words may be nonsense to some but with true, don’t want to live without each other love, that will never be the case.  Doubt will never arise.  Love should NEVER make people feel bad….if anything it should make them feel better about who they are.  Love should strengthen you and never weaken you.  I know many people do believe that love takes work but I truly believe this to be untrue.  Yes, relationships take work in means of learning the behaviors and habits of people but love should be simple.  Love should not be a job.

At this point I am just babbling.  There is so much I question in life and I have absolutely no answers to anything.  There are just certain things that I choose to believe for my own comfort.  People can define love in any way they choose but it is through personal experience and convictions that we truly understand what it is.  I guess my whole point in this rant is stating my belief that people should not settle.  I wish some people would explore themselves more and really discover what they want when it comes to their individual lives and their shared lives.  I believe this could open so many doors and not just in a romantic sense.  I believe that the more we discover our individual selves and the more we are brutally honest with ourselves the more peace we find in our lives.  We do not need to be in relationships to survive….we are all complete in this very moment….relationships should complement our lives.  With those words I will depart in hopes that my words never offend people and simply allow them to see a different perspective.

Day 267 Question 267:

Do you believe yourself to be racist or prejudice in any way?

This is a question in which majority of people would immediately answer no.  Racism and prejudice are such negative things that none of us can possibly believe that we are either of them.  Right now in my life I believe I am not racist but I am sure I hold some prejudices.  Prejudice is such a wide open idea and sometimes it can be easy to judge someone or make assumptions about someone simply based on their differing viewpoints.

This world is made up of billions of people and in a lifetime we would never possibly be able to meet everyone and hear their story.  There is so much I do not understand about how other people live…whether they be people residing in the same area as I do or people living on the other side of the world.  I believe in the past I was prejudice.  I did make assumptions about entire groups of people, usually because of the actions of only a few.  It took me a long time to see how wrong that was….it was learned though.  I we learn something we can unlearn it if we choose to but it does not necessarily come easily.  It took me a long time to stop following the majority and listen to what my gut was telling me.  Even the most violent and hateful person has a story and although their actions might be disgusting, who am I to make assumptions as to why they are the way they are???  I would never know if I did not ask the questions and there are some people that are just too far out of reach.  I don’t know if I am making any sense here.

I have faults and flaws and I have made many bad decisions throughout my journey called life.  I am learning though.  I have realized how important awareness is in determining who we are as people.  I cannot truly know if I am or have been racist or prejudice if I do not know the true definition of either of those and when it is laid out on the line, it comes down to being honest with oneself.  We may not like to see ourselves in a negative light or admit the faults that we have but when we do (at least for me) there is a sense of freedom.  When we actually see the things we are guilty of and the wrongful actions we have taken, we are then able to change.  I have found that one of the hardest things in life is being able to accept yourself and breaking out of the mold of who everyone else wants you to be.  Hatred and anger are not natural and prejudice and racism are not natural.  These are ignorances that have been passed on through words and actions and because the cycle has been going on for so long some people are unable to see the way out….or simply do not want to.  For myself, I had to take time for just myself and decide how I truly felt.  I had to think about whether or not I believed things because other people told me to believe them or whether I truly felt that way.  I found out that I was living in someone else’s mold and I have now taken the steps to break free.  I appreciate the education I have received and the mentoring and there are so many ideas and ideals that I agree with but I love my individuality.  I love to be able to choose what feels right and I feel like I am one of the lucky ones that sees the beauty of the world even through all of the destruction and chaos.  It sometimes angers people when I defend others but I only do this because I do not know everyone’s stories.  I am far from “perfect” and I will make snap judgments and assumptions and I will choose to negate people from my life.  Having an awareness of these things is what helps take the prejudice away and continually reminds me that I do not want people to make assumptions about me so it would be unfair for me to make assumptions about them.

Day 266 Question 266:

What songs are you loving at this current time?

Day 265 Question 265:

If you were to guess, what is your life purpose?

If I am not doing all I can to make someone else’s life more enriched then I am not living.  I am not giving all that I have to give.  I have been watching the PBS documentary Half the Sky based on the most amazing book written by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn.  The words just written were stated by American actress America Ferrera and as soon as I heard them I needed to write them down.  I immediately felt empowered.  I may never know indefinitely what my life’s purpose is but I believe deep down in my core that doing for others and bringing happiness to others is what I am meant to do in this life.  I always speak of self-discovery and finding myself and what I keep finding through this journey is the desire to enrich other people’s lives.  I want to share experiences and educate people.  I want to get in the faces of young girls and tell them how beautiful they are and how valuable they are.

The stories of Half the Sky are so heart-breaking but also so moving in the same light.  I can be waiting in line at any store and I feel the need to compliment the person in front of me or behind me.  I do not know this person.  I do not know their story.  I do know that it must feel good for anyone to hear something good about themselves.  There are young girls and women all over the world that have no idea of their value.  They are born in lives that are pre-determined for them.  I say this with no disrespect but some of these cultural traditions need to change.  I truly believe that human life and the human body is a temple.  There is nothing in the world that deserves greater respect than human life.  To read about and hear about young girls and women that are forced into prostitution and never allowed any sort of education just breaks me.  Even in the United States I have watched several young girls devalue themselves based on their external appearance or the belief that they are not good enough.  I have been one of those girls.  My purpose in life is to share my belief that human life and the love of self and the love of others is of the utmost importance.  Men should never want to harm women in any physical or mental nature and women should never believe that they are destined for a life lesser than what they deserve.

I believe I have had a path in life.  I needed to make mistakes and learn so much to get to where I am now.  I lived a life of loathing my body and worrying constantly about one thing or another.  Some how some way I changed and life found me….I found a life so much bigger than anything I have ever known.  There is this HUGE world out there that needs me.  Life is not about material items or about the way we look….it is so much more than that.  I may be one among billions but before my time in this life is up I will have made a dent…it may be a small one but it will still be one.  I will have helped at least one young girl to start truly loving the body and soul that she was given.  I will have helped at least one single mother raise her child in a way that will give her hope for a better future.  I will have taught young girls about how beauty is internal not external.  I believe in helping all, boys and men included but I am drawn to the female population.  I believe my voice was meant to be heard by the female population.  In the United States we have seen women advance in many areas but in many areas of the world women are still treated like second-class human beings.  Women are treated as if they are disposable.  As stated before, human life, whether male or female, is the most important thing in this world.  Women are the bringers of life and they have so much to offer to the world.  There should be nowhere in this world in which they are beaten and brutally raped and treated like they are garbage on the street.  There should be nowhere in the world in which a young girl (below the age of 10) is raped and the rapist is forgiven but she is shamed.  My purpose is to educate and to teach both compassion and empathy.  I never want to disrespect anyone’s beliefs or values but I truly belief that no higher power would be accepting of these forms of personal brutality.

It took me 33 years to find it but I have a gift.  I have a gift with words and of compassion.  I have this inner desire to speak to young girls about the gifts that they have within themselves.  I feel the need to lessen the pain that other young girls and women might be feeling and lift them to a place of love that they may not have known or believed existed.  I hope to one day step far outside of my comfort zone and visit different parts of the world and learn the stories of women from every  corner.  I want to embrace many in my arms and give them hope for a better tomorrow.  My dream may be a big one but it is one I believe I was meant for.  I  am meant to be part of the movement to empower women.

Day 264 Question 264:

What inspires you?

I have returned to this question yet again.  I have found friends all over the world.  These friends may not be people I know in the “face to face” sense but they have become my friends and my mentors in the virtual sense.  I am a huge promoter of my blog because I want to share my thoughts through every avenue possible.  I do not write my words to make others believe that I am right, I write to allow them to see a (possible) different point of view.  I want to offer my thoughts and my (hopefully) comforting words to allow people to know that they are supported…even in their hardest times.  There is a man that follows my blog that friend requested me on Facebook quite a while back.  He will like some of my entries and make small comments here and there (which is so greatly appreciated).  This man resides in India, which as you know, is thousands of miles away from the United States.  Yesterday, he took a piece of my blog entry and posted it on his Facebook for his friends and family to read.  This was what he copied and pasted:

Diane Owens wrote in these lines in her blog entry, which I felt like posting here:

“…I don’t want to take the beautiful life I have for granted and waste time on momentary pleasure or searching for someone to complete me. I complete me. If I meet someone wonderful they will compliment my life but not complete it. I want fulfillment in everything I do as much as possible.”

…I am love. I am passion. I am a seeker of knowledge. I am the pursuer of a good life for all….a believer that EVERYONE has a beauty inside of them even if it is hidden way deep down. I am a soul not just a body.”

“…I am my dreams and my wants and my needs.”

I immediately felt overwhelmed with hope and to be honest pride.  My words had reached someone from many miles away.  Several of his friends wrote beautiful comments.  I started looking at his Facebook page and saw that he is the Chairman and Managing Trustee at the Anad Foundation in India.  I, of course, had to do my research and what I found was heart-warming.

(Taken from the website http://anadfoundation.com)

The ANĀD FOUNDATION is a non-profit, non-government, literary-cultural charitable organization constituted for the purpose of service, promotion and preservation of the traditional human values and heritage in general, and in the devotional music of our tradition, in particular.

Mission

The ANĀD Foundation’s mission is to establish institutions as a means towards facilitating the recovery and enhancement of the intangible (sukhamvirsā) and tangible (sthūlvirsā) heritage of South Asia as a priority.

ANĀD has already set up ANĀD Archives and Research Center, a world-class audio-restoration studio in New Delhi, where a lot of rare archival recordings have been restored and preserved.

Among its other objectives, The ANĀD Foundation also intends to:

To appreciate, respect and preserve the excellence and diversity of human heritage the world-over in the areas of culture including architecture, classical and folk art forms, literatures and languages, education, moral values and social conduct, sports, health care, healing, social welfare, to discover strains of affinity among these through intellectual interaction and live presentation and to engage in humanitarian and disaster relief.

Preserve and document all tangible & intangible, traditional forms of arts and culture.

To promote music by sensitizing the common people to the musical values in classical and folk traditions, and educating the musically inclined, so as to create a symbiotic pattern with the divine ethos of spiritual traditions.

To help revive the dying Rebābi Kīrtan/music and make all out efforts to restore this historic tradition to its pristine glory.

Undertaking archival research to bring alive the craft of making traditional musical instruments and their use, reviving and restoring the art of percussion and other related instruments so as to organize a symphonic orchestra in order to propagate traditional forms and at the same time stimulate creative expression within the framework of the traditional forms.

Establish a world-class old age home/village, having a separate endowment fund, for exponents of all activities associated with the Foundation.

Provide elderly artists a monthly pension and/or free health care facilities or assistance as a mark of respect for their lifetime achievements.

To set up ANĀD Sanmān, annual awards in the fields of music, dance, sports, science, technology, art, literature, theatre, cinema and handicrafts, etc. and for life time achievements in fields that the Trust is directly or indirectly concerned with.

Set up the ANĀD Conservatory: An Institute of Arts, Aesthetics, Cultural Traditions and Developmental Studies, which intends to provide in-house training and education in music (vocal, instrumental and percussion), offering also training in yoga, martial arts, various forms of performing art, including classical and folk dance forms, along with theoretical studies on art, aesthetics and the study of scriptures from various traditions with the purpose of facilitating inter-faith dialogues and enriching our understanding of the diverse cultural and religious traditions.

To encourage the culture of sports in terms of continued heritage as well as the modern formats.

When I read all about the mission of this organization I was truly touched.  I always find it so inspiring to meet people that take pride in their culture and want to not only teach others but also to learn themselves.  About 6 months ago I read the book Half the Sky and PBS just did a 4-hour documentary based on this book.  The book takes on the topic of female oppression in differing countries all over the world and although there is much sadness from these stories there is also hope.  The book focuses on stories of female heroism and females rising above.  We want to see the world change overnight but that is not going to happen.  I used to hope for that but now I love to see changes happen little by little because you are able to appreciate the progress that much more.  For several years of my life I was closed into a box.  I knew only this life I was living and I never learned about what was going on in neighboring countries.  One day I decided to change my life completely and I decided to educate myself in some form every single day.  I wanted to learn about life outside of what I have lived and what I have known.  Part of that change was starting this blog.  I had to be vulnerable in order to understand my true self and to reach out to others and ask them for help.  This man that has read my words and copied them onto his Facebook page has inspired me to keep learning.  One day I want to visit many foreign lands and be able to experience the culture first-hand,  not only through books and media.  I want to make friends from everywhere and ask them to teach me as much as they possibly can.  I hope to be a mentor to people as well as ask them to be my mentor.  I do not see this world finding peace if we don’t ever reach out to each other.  It is so very important to love and understand our own culture but it is not something we should keep to ourselves.  There is no harm in asking people why they do what they do.  There is an expression that kind of bothers me and it is: Don’t ask why, ask why not.  I understand the basis of the statement but I do find it vital to ask why as well.  Without asking why we will never understand where people are truly coming from.  By having this small gesture from a man many thousands of miles away fall into my lap I feel so very inspired and I want to thank him for giving me that extra push to keep learning more about the world around me.

Day 263 Question 263:

What defines you?  Who are you?

It hit me tonight…I have closed myself off from so many (men) because I don’t want someone strictly to fit my need of comfort.  I want someone that wants to fight the battle with me.  I want someone that has the same passion in their heart that I do.  I want someone that believes in making a better life for perfect strangers of the world because he knows that is the right thing to do.  I want someone that longs to know more and wants to learn more with me.  There is nothing simple about the way my mind works so I can’t settle for a simple-minded person.  My words are not meant to insult…I just have too much passion to talk about what is only on the surface.  I have a need to always dig deeper and I want to meet someone that has that same need.  I do want the surface things: companionship, laughter, comfort but I need the depth.  I can’t lie about that….I have to say it and I do expect some people to tell me to lighten up.  I won’t lighten up and I won’t change who I am….I am not desperate to have a life that is less than what I want.  I want to use my words to help change the world.  I want to step outside of my comfort zone and make my voice heard and do for others in any way I can.  I want to meet someone with the same kind of passion that runs through their veins day in and day out.  It may be a pipe dream but it is my dream.  My dent in the world may be a small one but it will be mine and it will show how hard I worked in this life.  I am beautiful and charismatic and charming and sensitive and inquisitive and curious…this is only but a short list of the amazing qualities that are a part of me.  The right person won’t need to learn that as time passes but will be able to truly feel it the more time that is spent together.  Life is not about our thoughts, it is about our feelings.

I have been on dating sites for quite some time now but the funny thing is I have not been on a date in almost a year.  I have not even really put myself out there.  I had a guy email me tonight and write: For how long you have been on here you must be really picky.  I wrote him back and said, “Is that a bad thing?”  He told me that after this much time it must be.  I contemplated it and I was not able to give into his thoughts.  I am picky because I watch people….I watch people in chaotic relationships and I watch people strive to find a love that is not there.  I will never settle for less of a love than I believe in….even if that means never finding it.  Some people may find it sad that I think and feel that way but it gives me great comfort.  For the first time I truly know what I want and I surely know what I don’t want.  I don’t want to give into weakness anymore and settle for average when I know I am capable of obtaining extraordinary.  I don’t want to just coast by in this life and settle….my heart does not work that way.  I feel truly lucky for the life that I have.  There are women around the world that are born into areas in which they are degraded from the moment they are born strictly based on their gender.  There are women that are not allowed the gift of education or even the biggest gift of all…FREEDOM!!!  I don’t want to take the beautiful life I have for granted and waste time on momentary pleasure or searching for someone to complete me.  I complete me.  If I meet someone wonderful they will compliment my life but not complete it.  I want fulfillment in everything I do as much as possible.  Love and passion seeps from every inch of my body and I want to share that with someone that will let me know (without words being needed) how much they appreciate it.  From this day on I will never accept being treated like lesser of a person by anyone…that is my choice.  I want to encourage women all over the world to find their voice.  I do not want to go on feminist rants and talk about how women are suffering and blah blah blah.  I, being a woman, just want to tell women that they are beautiful.  I want to help women find their gifts and their passions.  I want to share my thoughts and feelings with women I come in contact with everyday…even strangers, in hopes that they will share their lives with me.  I can’t define who I am if I don’t know who others are.

You know when you have those moments when you question what your purpose in life is?  Maybe you don’t.  I definitely do and sometimes I wonder if I have a purpose or if I will ever know what it is.  I have realized through this entry that my convictions are stronger than I have believed they are.  My definition of self is not the job I do or the people I know.  I am love.  I am passion.  I am a seeker of knowledge.  I am the pursuer of a good life for all….a believer that EVERYONE has a beauty inside of them even if it is hidden way deep down.  I am a soul not just a body.  I do not believe there is such a thing as a selfless good deed but I don’t think that is a bad thing either.  When I wrote about my friend that is on her quest for wellness and I sent her an encouraging email, she wrote me back and told me that I was the first person she thought of when she started her support
group.  Can you even imagine how that made me feel?  Through my personal struggles and continual journey throughout this life, she felt inspired.  I want to inspire people throughout my life and I want to inspire them in ways that allow them to see their strengths and their beauty and their gifts that they are all so lucky to have.  It is a cycle that not only allows them to grow but also allows me to grow.  I become stronger the more I continue to see and believe in my own capabilities…knowing that I can help others that need to be helped.  I am my dreams and my wants and my needs.  I dream of spreading words of encouragement to anyone willing to listen and influence the lives of people (especially young girls and women) in a way that will make them truly believe in and see their beauty…their gifts…..the importance of their life.  Everyone is important and so many people in the world do not know that or believe that because they have been kicked down and have been neglected and have been told differently.  The thought that keeps screaming in my head over and over again is: What if it was me?  What if it was my child (if I was a mother)?  We all deserve freedom and we all deserve happiness.  I cannot imagine never knowing happiness or living a life that did not include support of friends and family.  I want to be a mentor and share with people the fact that I know that love and happiness is universal and it is something that all people deserve to experience….even those that think they are unworthy.  We are not what we learn throughout life….we just believe those things.  We are what we feel and I undoubtedly believe that every soul on this planet wants love and acceptance and support.  Hatred and violence are learned and are unnatural (at least this is what I choose to believe).  So, if you ask me again who I am, I would say that I am a believer in humanity….I believe all people have the potential for good if they are provided the right tools.

Day 262 Question 262:

As a society are we moving forward or backwards?

So there is a new show on TV called The New Normal.  What a revolutionary show it is.  This shows touches on all of the major issues in society and puts it in a comedic light.  To give you a little info., a male gay couple decide they want to have a baby.  They find a surrogate, a young woman that is only 24 years old with a 9 year old daughter.  She wanted to do it for them for the money yes but mainly because she believes so strongly in family and believes a child should be raised in a loving environment.  This young girl’s mother (played by Ellen Barkin) is the epitomy of a racist and a spit-fire bigot.  This show holds nothing back.  It touches on politics and interracial couples and many issues that are in our face at this very moment.  I know plenty of people that would not even be able to sit through an entire episode because they would find it to be an abomination.

As a society we are moving forward.  We get kicked down and disappointed and get pushed back sometimes but we are moving forward.  I believe we have enough people in this world looking for progression over regression and it is the fight in these people that makes us advance.  I am a straight woman but it is no secret that I love the gays.  I have had gay friends since I was in high school….actually probably before then, they just hadn’t come out yet.  One of my nearest and dearest friends to this very moment is gay and I will tell everyone that some people could not even try to be the person that he is. He is compassionate and empathetic and kind.  He is smart and witty and charming.  He will do for others over and over again before he would even think about doing for himself.  Who he has sex with is of no concern of mine and his sexuality does not affect my life even a little.  I will support gay marriage moving forward in every state because of this very fact.  I once read a quote that said (geared at a man), “If gay marriage bothers you so much then don’t marry a man.”  My dad and I have an ongoing argument over marriage and what it really is….he says it is a union between a man and a woman and I say it is a union between two people that love each other.  I mean, let’s face it, the straight people haven’t exactly done marriage any justice with the divorce rate now being over 50%.

I get so frustrated sometimes about all of the world’s chaos.  I get angry and I get sad but we are still moving forward….slowly but surely we are moving forward.  We have seen the abolition of slavery and we have seen women move into the work force and climb the corporate ladders.  Yes, we still have modern day slavery and women still fighting for equal rights but we have come much further than we were just 100 years ago.  We live in a country with a president that is half African-American.  Fifty years ago that wouldn’t have even been a consideration.  Regardless of my thoughts on politicians, to see a man of color elected as President, that speaks volumes about how far our society has come.  We have not come far enough (in my opinion) but the process is grueling and will take time.  This is why I am always pushing education and self-discovery….so we can all be leaders and continue to move forward.

 I know my idea of moving forward and others may be different.  I expect arguments about gay marriage and the sanctity of marriage and the words of the Bible thrown in my face but moving forward (in my opinion) means change and acceptance.  Moving forward means truly accepting people and allowing EVERYONE the same rights.  How can we still all breathe the same air and be made up of bodies roaming this earth but still try to tell people that who they are is wrong???  I have never walked one day in another person’s shoes as no one has in mine as well.  I cannot imagine the struggles that gay people, transgender people, mixed-race individuals, Muslims, Hispanics, special-needs people have to face on a daily basis.  I cannot imagine having to continually defend yourself for simply being who you are…..that must be exhausting both mentally and physically.  I can’t imagine having so much love in your heart and having the willingness to love and raise a child and having people criticize and degrade you day in and day out.  People don’t have a choice in who they are (if you believe people choose to be gay that is your opinion but I truly believe people would never choose that with how ugly, hurtful and hateful people of this world can be).  People have a choice in how they act but not in who they are….we were all born as individuals with a purpose.  We are meant to be unique and different.

Life is this beautiful thing.  You know I question God or the existence of a higher power.  I like to think that there is a God of some form and he looks down on me and is proud.  He is proud because I lead with my heart and I am true to self.  He loves me because I no longer conform to what anyone tells me is right….I do and say what feels most natural.  He loves me because I am living on a much deeper level than just the superficial level.  I believe he is challenging all of us.  I do think we have failed him many times but he does not give up…I mean, he is God, he has faith.  This is what my idea of God is….he is what I want him to be.  This is what keeps me moving forward in life.  I don’t want to let him down by not allowing people the same rights and equal measures as I have.  Life is not simple for anyone and I have judged and treated people badly and made assumptions….I know I will again too.  I am not proud of that but I am more aware than I have ever been.  I know how I have struggled in life and I cannot even imagine what other people have gone through…especially those that have been treated like lesser of people strictly because of their race, creed, gender or sexual orientation.  We will continue to move forward as a society once we are able to loosen the grips of the past.  Others actions and ways of life do not define us….we should not take from others….especially if they are doing no harm to us.  Ignorance is not embedded in us, it is taught.  Once we are able to look within and see how we have been ignorant, we have the power to change it.  Hatred in any form is just ignorant….there is nothing natural about hatred.

I don’t want to shove my opinions down anyone’s throats.  I do not want to force people to think like I do.  I always want to give people the option to stop reading at any time.  I only offer my words for people to take in and hopefully think about.  I think it is important that we all expose ourselves to differing viewpoints as often as possible….even those viewpoints that make us cringe.  I bitch and I moan sometimes in this blog and I go on rants about how corrupt our political system can be and about ignorance and blah blah blah but with all of that, I still know that we can continue to move forward.  We are too advanced not to…..we have all of the tools and knowledge at our fingertips (sometimes we have to take off the blinders

Day 261 Question 261:

When was the last time you went out of your way to show someone your support?

Yesterday I received a private group invitation from an old friend.  This old friend is 5+ years younger than me.  It had been several years since we had seen each other (she was a little girl at the time…a feisty one I might add ;0)  I was actually good friends with her older sister throughout middle and high school.  I have watched this girl post on Facebook on different days and on several occasions I thought to myself, “This girl is me, just a few years younger”.  We both have the outgoing, bubbly personalities and are both in Graduate School studying Counseling.  We both struggle with our weight.  This private group invitation was for all of her close friends and family members.  She was asking for support….she was reaching out.  In this online support group she admitted her own personal defeat.  She needs to make a healthy lifestyle change and she stated how unhappy she is with her weight and how much she has changed over the past 10ish years.  It was truly touching to see her disclose such personal information and to not shy away but come out and ask for help.  We all need support in our lives…especially at those times when we aren’t sure if we can do it alone.  I wanted to send her a private message outside of the group and these were my words to her:

Hey Friend,

I wanted to send you a message privately to give you a standing ovation for taking this step. I was in your shoes about 2 years ago and not 1 day passes that I do not think about my weight or my body. In 2009 I was 250lbs and I am now at about 190ish (I am wearing a size 14-16 depending on the cut). I still have a distance to go and I hit these times of laziness and just want it to be easy. I am like you…I LOVE FOOD!!! My biggest problem is late night eating and eating when I am bored. I still struggle with it but I am so much healthier mentally which has helped so much through the journey. It may sound silly but I took a Transcendental Meditation course and it completely changed my life. I meditate twice a day and I am amazed at how calm and relaxed I feel. I feel so much more focused and self-aware which has truly helped me with the challenge. I know EVERYONE will tell you this but your size does not define you. You are beautiful no matter what because our outer bodies are not who we are. With that being said, it is important to feel comfortable in your own skin. I remember being in my condo 2 years ago and I was changing my clothes and I stopped in front of the mirror in just my bra and underwear and I started to ball. I loathed myself and could not believe how I had let myself get to that place. That day everything changed. I had to take a long hard look at what I had been doing and I realized that I was continually having a pity party for myself. It was ME that got me to that weight and it was ME only that could make a change. Again, cliche but so true.

Right now, even though I do not love my body, I am probably the happiest I have ever been…and healthiest. I started to say fuck the people that were only going to see me for what is on the outside and I told myself that every day I would internally encourage myself and compliment myself. I have a feeling you are very much like me in that you can be your own worst enemy. I posted all kinds of inspirational things on Facebook and probably drove people crazy but I needed those reminders of my beauty and my potential. It is so true that once you keep doing something over and over again it will become habit. I write about this stuff so much in my blog because it allows me to be vulnerable and see the real me. I have written about my weight more than once…hell probably more than 10 times. I have done the strict diet and ridiculous exercise regimens and have lost lots of weight only to gain it right back. Nothing EVER worked until I changed my lifestyle. I still eat what I like but I make sure to be a little but smarter about it and I HAVE to stay active….and I stay active my own way. I have never been the athletic type at all and I am not strong but I want to be able to go into the store and not have to walk over to the plus size section. I signed up to run my first 5k next month and I am scared shitless and I may not be able to run a majority of it but I sure as hell am going to try my very best. The only thing that truly works for me is giving myself challenges and constant reminders that it is possible!!! I know you are crazy busy but 2 books( that I know I will read several times throughout my life) I would reccommend to read if you get any time are The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. Both books inspired me because they made me see how important the right here right now is and how damaging our own personal ego can be. I read a lot of your stuff on Facebook and I swear there have been times I think you are me 7 years later. I haven’t seen you since you were very young but I know you have such a great gift in life. You love people, your friends and your family so very much and that is something beautiful….it is what matters the most.

Ok, I have totally cheesed out here. I have actually been on Pinterest like a crazy person lately and I have found some great recipes and workout tips but 2 I really liked were having 2 jars. One labeled Pounds to Go filled with the marbles (the same number of pounds you want to lose) and the other labeled Pounds Lost…everytime you lose a lb or however many you swap them out….that way you can see your progress. The second is taking a jar and labeling it workout tips. Everytime you workout you put $1 in the jar….when you get to $100 you can treat yourself to shoes, a new shirt, purse, whatever you want. I love those ideas because they are visual reminders. I am moving into a new place next month so my schedule has been all out of wack but I am planning on starting Weight Watchers again.

You got this girl. I will talk you through anything you need! Every time that little nagging, insulting voice goes through your head just squash it. Remind yourself that that is your ego trying to control you. As soon as you hear it just tell it to fuck off and tell yourself how great you are….even if it feels impossible to say to yourself. Trust me, once you start doing this enough times you start truly believing in yourself and seeing yourself for the beautiful person you really are!!! Love you girl….sorry for the long rant!

Those were my words.  She wrote me back a couple of hours later thanking me and told me more about the struggle she had been going through.  I may not know this girl very well on a 1-on-1 basis because of our age difference and locations but when someone reaches out for help…there is no reason to not help them.  This subject hits too close to home to not offer a hand if I can.  I know too well what it is like to feel so disgusting and think about how unfair it is to have physical imperfections.  It took me a long time but I learned that my body is only the physical part of me.  Yes, it is important to focus on keeping it healthy but what defines me is so much more than just my body.  So many women struggle with their weight and their perception of self (myself included) and if I could spend day in and day out going all over the world telling women how beautiful they are I would.  I may see strangers out and about and by just watching them I can see how beautiful they are.  I am drawn to give people compliments (people that I don’t know) because everyone deserves to hear nice things….you don’t know how long it has been since they have.  There are days when I need support and reassurance….if I want this I believe I have to put out the same as I want in return.

Day 260 Question 260:

Do some people like being controlled?  Prefer having other people making their decisions for them?

Ok, before anyone’s head starts spinning…I am NOT referring to dominatrix or submission or anything of the sort.  I already know the answer to that question (SMILES).  I speak of life in general.  Are some people not comfortable with themselves so they would prefer for others to make their decisions?  I sometimes wonder if some people give in to what others say just to simplify their lives??  I am not saying this is a bad thing because life is full of complications and decisions to be made and self-discovery and sometimes it is just easier to just throw in the towel and just agree with someone.  I have done it in certain situations because I was not in the mood or mind-set for confrontation.

I do not like being controlled.   I do not like when people try to sway me to think like they do or tell me that my point of view is wrong.  I do wonder though if there are some people that float through life allowing everyone else to make their decisions for them.  I don’t know why but Paris Hilton keeps popping into the front of my head.  Here is this extremely rich girl (which has not done anything herself to become rich) that is driven everywhere and has her finances handled for her.  She is coddled every single day and just goes about having a good time day in and day out (yes, I am assuming…no, I do not know this for certain because I do not hang out with her…thank goodness).  In 2008, she got on TV donning a Rock the Vote t-shirt encouraging people to go to the polls and vote.  SHE WAS NOT EVEN REGISTERED!!!!  Just recently while driving to work I heard a story about how she was being driven around and she made some very derogatory remarks about gay people (saying they are disgusting) and the driver had cameras in the car and it was all caught on film.  Everything has been handled for her…her finances, her publicity, her legal matters, etc.  Is she ok with this???  I am trying not to judge and I admit there are times I wish someone would handle my finances for me but I cannot imagine not being involved in some very important aspects of my life.  I cannot imagine handing over so much power and control of my life to someone else.  I guess that is the difference between being a celebrity and being an Average Joe like me.  Well I say that but there are plenty of Average Joes that allow others to make their decisions for them.

The reason I chose this question is because I was at the gym trekking away on the elliptical the other day and on the TV were images of the political campaigns and people holding up signs in support of the candidate they will be voting for.  I started wondering how many of those people were choosing that candidate because they truly believe in what they stand for and how many were voting so that person can make their decisions for them.  I wondered how many of them voiced their honest and genuine opinions throughout their lives.  Again, I am not insulting.  Some people are more reserved than others and there is nothing wrong with that.  It is no surprise to know that I think the political system of this country has become way out of hand and has actually become quite disgusting.  I am a person that focuses so much on individuality that I have a hard time accepting government because I hate the idea of anyone telling me how I should be living my life.  I also believe I have a good head on my shoulders and will evaluate situations and make (what I believe to be) good decisions.  I would not harm people in the process.  Some people do not have the same inner-strength (again, not an insult) and I believe they allow others to control them and decide for them because they do not have confidence in themselves.  We see this happen in relationships all of the time…the woman that stays with her abuser because she believes all of the hateful and hurtful things he says about her or the unhappy couple that stays married because a failed marriage is considered a sin.  People tend to listen to others that hold some sort of power.  I have done this myself and sometimes in certain situations it is necessary (i.e. a job situation).  I am having a hard time expressing myself here.  As individuals we tend to look to those in power positions for the right answers.  I, personally, don’t believe those people have all of the answers.  It took me a long time to figure that out…..power does not equal being right or having control.  I am also one to question what is truly right and wrong.  What may be right for one may be very wrong for another.  People get so upset when others do not agree with them and we see these negative political ads flying all over the TV but what would the world be like if the masses were all in agreement?  I guess if we didn’t know any different it would be fine but that is not the life we know.  We understand the differences of polar opposites and we have all experienced them in some form or another.  This is why I always focus on the individual….I think it is vital to continue to find what comes natural to me.  For a majority of my life my head and my heart (thoughts vs. feelings) were completely out of balance which (I believe) has been the cause of many emotional and physical breakdowns I have had throughout life.  I was listening to what everyone was feeding into my ear and believing certain people HAD to be right….they had the power of authority over me.  I have finally come to realize that we are all equals in this world.  No one is above anyone else.  Yes, I will listen when a doctor tells me something or when someone teaches me something I know very little about but I have come to realize that these people have been educated by others as well….because they are knowledgeable in certain areas that I may not be does not make them better than me.  It is always ok to ask for a second opinion just to broaden your spectrum.  We are all our own worst enemies at some point in life.  We see others that excel in areas that we wish we could excel in. It can be very easy to fall into that pattern of following those that seem to hold the power….I have done it and I am sure I will do it again.  Becoming balanced in life requires a lot of self-evaluation and self-realization.  There will always be a constant battle with the ego (if we allow it).