Day 269 Question 269:

What makes you nervous and why?

Worry is one of those things that serves absolutely no beneficial purpose yet I still do it.  I have been “nervous in the service” since I was a wee little thing.  I can’t quite explain why…I think it is partly built into my genetics.  I am ok with being a nervous person though because I now live a much more Zen way of life….I accept my feelings for what they are.  The more I do this the more at ease I feel and the calm lasts much longer than the storm.

So, what is it that makes me so nervous?  I can’t pinpoint just one thing to be exact.  My brain is in a constant forward motion.  I guess it is the unknown that makes me nervous which causes the worry sometimes.  I want things to turn out a certain way but all kinds of scenarios play out in my head.  It is in these times that I need to remind myself that all we have is now and the future cannot be controlled because it has not yet happened.  I get nervous about losing people in my life and I get nervous about how I will react to it.  I have grown immensely over the past year and I am stronger than I have ever been but that thought of falling back into that place of panic does rattle my mind from time to time.  I wonder if I will be able to survive without my mother after she has parted from this life.  I wonder if I will ever know whether anyone truly sees me for who I really am….if that is even possible.

I have this curious mind and yes I do sometimes worry about what other people think of me and I get nervous assuming that it is the worst….not always just sometimes.  There are people in life that seem to walk around with so much control and so much ease and it is those people that make me nervous.  I don’t know their stories and for all I do know they may be an emotional trainwreck on the inside.  There are those people though that have no fear of voicing their thoughts or opinions and could care less how others feel about them….those are the people that make me nervous because I am so opposite of that.  I don’t want to hurt people or offend people so I keep many of my thoughts inside (at least vocally) which says to me sometimes that I am not strong enough to stand behind what I believe in.  Maybe that is true.  Maybe it is not.  I guess that is why I have chosen the outlet of writing to be my main form of expression.  It is the place that makes me feel the most comfortable and I am able to express my thoughts in a genuinely open and honest way.

Regardless of what makes me nervous and worrisome I still enjoy life immensely.  Instead of seeing the fault in worry I choose to see the beauty in it.  I see my nervousness as proof that I care…it is the compassionate and empathetic part of me.  I don’t believe everyone is meant to have a big voice.  I do have a big voice and I love sharing my thoughts and opinions but over and over again I will say that they are just that….thoughts and opinions.  I get nervous around people that can voice their thoughts with such strong convictions knowing they are right because I cannot wrap my brain around it.  I don’t understand how people know for certain that they are right and I definitely don’t understand how they can vocalize to others that they are right.  Doing that seems like such an invasion….for me everything in life is a maybe.  I am never truly convinced and I am ok with that because it allows me to shape my life the way I want it to be.

Of course I want people to see me as nice and kind and caring but there are people that won’t.  There will be times that my actions will prove that I am not always those things.  Criticism and misunderstanding are never easy things to deal with and being 100% completely honest does make me nervous because backlash is almost always a given.  There are times when I feel I am unable to express myself clearly because there are no words for my feelings and at those times I wish people could crawl into my body to get a better understanding.  I think this is why I am constantly giving out disclaimers, “I do not mean this in a mean way” or “I say this with no disrespect” or “This is strictly my opinion”.  I believe there are many people out there that are ready to give backlash no matter what and the nervous side of me is never ready for it.  I feel that if I tell someone to fuck off then I am no better than they are and everything I have worked for has been useless.  I will say it again like I have said it one thousand times….life is this great balancing act.  Being in my own head sometimes is absolutely nerve racking because I just want to turn it all off.  I hate to say it but sometimes I wish I could be happily ignorant because it can be overwhelming.  I cannot hold onto that though because I know I have a gift…I am meant to always dig a little big deeper and dive deeper into my consciousness.  I may not always know why people do as they do or why things happen as they do but I do know that life happens as it is meant to and I choose to believe I am being challenged every single day.