It's a New Day…

Day 31 Question 31:

How does self-esteem/self-worth affect a person?  How do their surroundings affect them?

I absolutely love to see people who have come from nothing and have struggled their whole lives (whether it be with drugs, alcohol, gang violence, poverty, etc.) turn their lives around and strive to be better.  I love that they have a moment of clarity and realize that the world is not the enemy.  The only true enemy is themselves and they have complete control of that.  While watching the documentary The Interrupters a young man that was 17 years old just got out of federal prison for robbing a barber shop at gunpoint when he was 15.  This young man went back to the barber shop and owned up to his crime.  He apologized for his actions and told the people he could understand if they did not forgive him but he needed to apologize.  He was told after he was out of prison that he would never find a job because he was a convicted criminal.  The next clip showed him working at a childcare center.  He worked on the landscaping and helped set up inside when needed.  He interacted with the kids and put them down at nap time.  Most people would find this to be scary but I found it to be beautiful.  This young man was given a second chance in life and he decided to take it.  He decided to take a different path in life.  In the video they show a young girl laying on her cot ready for nap time.  She was about 2 or 3.  I looked at her and thought about what her life might be like.  This young girl is destined to grow up in a life filled with violence, hatred and fear.  How is that fair?

I know I go on and on when it comes to the subject of children.  It’s funny that I am unsure if I want kids isn’t it? (haha).  I can’t help but think about how innocent children are and how grown-ups can still act so violent and so angry around them.  I don’t understand how parents and adults don’t do everything in their power to protect their children and steer them into a life that is filled with hopes and dreams.  How in certain areas (which is everywhere nowadays) can a parent tell their child they need to fight in order to survive?  How can they swear in front of their children one word after another and be ok with that?  How can they not look at their child and stress to them to importance of a good education and building a good life for themselves?  If the parent didn’t have a good life, why would they not encourage their child to have a different life?  I know these words are easy for me to say since I am not deep in the trenches of poverty and because I am an educated woman with a very supportive family.  I am lucky…I am beyond lucky but I am no better than anyone because of these things.

I share stories with my readers because I know they can serve as a form of entertainment but also because it gives a better understanding to where I am coming from when I state my opinions.  I realize some of my points of view come from ignorance.  I do not know everything.  I never will.  But I want to learn as much as I possibly can during the time I have here.  While I was working with a group of girls that were studying to get their GEDs I had one student in my class that I ended up having to tell to get out.  I became so infuriated that I knew if she were to stay I may say some things that would not be appropriate.  I did not want to speak out of anger.  All of the girls in the class had children.  Majority of these children were in the classroom next door (the classroom was set up like a childcare center).  These children ranged from 6 months old to 4 years old.  This female student of mine had a 3 year old boy in this classroom.  When I first arrived at the school I would stop in to see all of the kids.  The mother’s were always in there with them too.  I would hold them in my lap and play with them or read to them.  Some of the mom’s would put in the same effort but not all of them.  This one particular mother said to her son after he threw a book on the floor (or something very miniscule), “Ugh I wish I never had you.  You were just a mistake.”  It took me about 2 seconds to intervene.  This girl was hateful.  I asked her if she swore in front of her children and she responded by saying, “I swear at my children.”  It truly broke my heart.  This girl had so much hate and anger in her and her children were paying the price.  I listened to her 3 year old throw out cuss words because he didn’t know that it wasn’t normal and it was unacceptable.  He didn’t know the difference between right and wrong.  This girl became so outspoken and such a nuisance in my classroom and spewed out so much negativity that I eventually requested that she be removed.  I could not allow her toxic ways to affect the rest of the class.  These girls were already struggling in life and if they were going to progress they didn’t need this ring leader getting them to jump on the bandwagon.  What was absolutely insane to me about the situation was how intelligent this girl was.  She started the class in September and went and took the GED in December (and you must take into account that this girl had quit school between 11-12 years ago).  She passed the test and received the highest scores out of anyone in her class.  She had all kinds of potential and it was just being wasted.

I find inspiration in the lives of others.  I watch documentaries because they are based on real life.  I see other people struggle and I look at my life and stop taking what I have for granted.  My life and my actions have been far from perfect.  I have caused stress in other people’s life and until fairly recently I have felt regret due to that.  My struggles are mine.  Why should other people have to suffer?  I have screamed in my mother’s face for no good reason because I was upset about things that had nothing to do with her.  I was not accepting my own anxiety and I thought if I felt bad then someone else should too.  How unfair is that?  I have not had one good reason to scream at my mother some of the times that I have.  I kept thinking it was ok because she was my mother and would never leave me.  What kind of unhealthy mindset is that?  I was being beyond selfish and I am ashamed to have acted the way that I have.  I know she forgives me though.  That is the most wonderful thing about my mother.  She sees beyond these moments of anger and mistakes and she is able to forgive because she knows the goodness people have in themselves.  In this respect, I hope I can work all of my life to be like that.  I hope that someone or more than one person are able to come to me when they need someone to guide them or listen to them.  I hope people look at me and see love.  It is difficult to do with some people but that is what I try to do.  I try to see everything that is good in them.  I TRY not to focus on the negatives because we all have negatives.  I think it is way more important to focus on the positives in people instead of point out the negatives.  Majority of the time people know their negatives and do not need to be reminded of them.  Unfortunately they do not always know their positives.  When I worked with 7^th and 8^th graders I asked each of them to make a list of the 5 best things about themselves.  They all struggled.  At the time I couldn’t believe it and then I had to take a step back and ask myself if I would be able to list 5 of the best things about myself.  I struggled.  I think people need to be reminded all of the time about the great things they have and are capable of.  Telling someone that they are an important part of your life or how they make you feel happy when they are around can change a person.  Sometimes people have no idea how valuable they truly are.  It took me 33 years to discover my value.  I don’t want young girls to have to struggle throughout a good part of their life because they don’t think they are good enough or aren’t capable of greatness.  I know how that feels and it is an absolutely awful feeling.  I think so much anger that people hold within themselves is a direct result of their self-worth.  If you grow up never being told your strengths or your value why should you think these things for yourself?  Even if you have, we live in a society where media is dictating to us that beauty comes in certain forms only.  I write this to pass on different messages…yes I am like a walking public service announcement I know…if you are a parent tell your children everyday how important that they are, forgive them for mistakes, let them know what real beauty is.  Every single day there are millions of opportunities to pay someone a compliment whether big or small.  If you don’t feel comfortable saying it then write it down for someone or send someone an email.  Words of encouragement and words of believing in someone can change a life.  Trust me I know this from personal experience.  Although he is my ex and we have no spoken in a while, Mr. Nameless once said to me, “I believe you are onto something really big.”  He told me a lot of things that hit home but this is the one thing that hit the hardest.  I AM onto something really big and these words have encouraged me since the day they were spoken.  When we broke up I was devastated but I refused to be broken.  Instead I used this time as momentum.  I used this time to dive into books, documentaries, friendships, family relationships.  I tested my belief systems and opened my mind up to all kinds of worlds so different than my own.  I have blogged and interacted with people from different countries.  I have heard all kinds of different perspectives on the things that I am most passionate about and have received some of the nicest compliments imaginable from people I have never met.  How amazing is that?

Day 30 Question 30:

What is a message that you would like to pass on to people?

My mom called me today.  She called just to chit chat as that is what we do almost every day.  I am so lucky to have a mom to talk to like that.  My mom is probably my best friend in the whole world.  No matter wha,t she has accepted me through everything…and let’s just say that at times I have really tested the limits.  She said to me, “I read your most recent blog entry.  You write and write and write.  You surely have a lot of thoughts in your head.”  I do have a lot of thoughts in my head.  I believe I see the world for what it is.  I believe in love and kindness and compassion and that is all I will ever try to strive for for myself but I realize not everyone lives this way.  I realize that people are filled with anger and resentment and are surrounded by hate and violence.  People experience mental illness that controls their life.  I do have anxiety.  I have been treated for anxiety and panic.  Things build up inside of me sometimes and I do not always know how to handle what I am feeling.  It is scary, because when you experience that you feel like you are all alone in the world and no one can possibly understand what you are feeling.  I am learning though.  This blog has been a huge outlet for me because I am able to express who I really am and I am able to stop hiding behind the mask that I have been wearing for as long as I can remember.  I have realized through my words here that I have earned respect from a lot of people because they have learned who I am and I am being completely honest.  They have been able to see the real me.  I have been able to see the real me.  My words are never to hurt anyone or insult anyone…I am uncomfortable with even the idea of intentionally hurting others.  It is something that seems so unnatural to me.  If I have hurt someone with my words or actions at some point in my life I know that it was immediately followed with guilt.  It is not my character to hurt others intentionally and it never will be.

  I was on the phone with a new friend the other day and I told him that this is the first time I have been able to say that I love myself and mean it.  I may not love my body or all of my physical characteristics but I absolutely love who I am.  The reason I love me now is because I have put down the guard and accept myself.  I have beautiful qualities that would be considered admirable and courageous but I also have faults.  Without having faults I would not be able to see what amazing things I withhold.  I am slowly turning off the “It’s not fair” mentality and turning on the “It is what it is. What are you going to do to keep improving?” mentality.  Mistakes and faults are inevitable but it really is all about how we react to these things.  For so long I let these things control me when the whole time I could have chosen to control them.  I write in the manner that I do because I know it is relatable to a lot of people.  Maybe not every entry is relatable to them but I find it hard to believe that everyone who has read all of my entries did not say to themselves that they agreed or thought the same way as I do.  I write to inspire but I write to try to help people feel comfortable in their own skin.  I know what it feels like to walk around feeling like an outsider or feeling unsure of exactly where you fit in or what your purpose is.  People that know me or those that don’t could take a look at me and not understand how I would have ever possibly felt that way (I guess because I look like your typical, average woman) but I have.  I felt like I always had a lot to say but never felt comfortable voicing my opinions.  I felt like the underdog.  The girl that would be much prettier if she just lost some weight.  The girl that could easily be the push-over because she is never confrontational or argumentative.  The 33 year old girl that is still single?  The girl that has watched all of her old high school and college friends get married and start families and still have no clue if those are the things that she wants.  Have you ever felt like this?  You can’t understand why the things you have wanted don’t ever seem to come to you or how you can be a certain age and still are unsure of your path in life.  After feeling like you have been defeated time after time after time it is understandable why you can allow your emotions control you.  BUT, I finally realized that it is ME that is in control.  If I wanted to continue to be depressed and down about all situations and linger on them then I could but it wasn’t going to change the circumstance.  If people around me weren’t going to change then I guess I am the one that is going to change.  I realized that life for me has no set path.  I have really never been the type to work a corporate kind of job, working 9-5, pushing a pencil around.  I may be the type of person that works various jobs throughout my life.  Maybe it isn’t the most stable way to live (i.e. retirement, health insurance, etc.) but it will help build my character.  I am the person that needs different surroundings and experiences all of the time.  That is why I loved working in non-profit.  No two days were ever the same.  I love that life is a journey and I know that I will ALWAYS work really hard no matter what so I am choosing to push the worry aside and start enjoying what I have right now.  I have feared the unknown since I was a small child.  I worried about what could happen and while I spent the time worrying about what could happen I was missing out on what actually was happening right here and now.  Doesn’t that seem quite silly?  I mean don’t get me wrong sometimes I can get pretty crazy and I will want to plan a million things out but I will now take the time to stop and just look around and see what is happening now.  I will embrace the moment.  For instance, right now, I am laying on the couch in my condo listening to the hum of the air conditioner writing this piece.  I am bringing awareness to what I am feeling and I am bringing awareness to any worry I may have and I am pushing it away.  I tend to feel guilty for not taking more actions but now I lay here and think: “Today is your day off.  You are enjoying the comfort of the couch and you are doing the thing you love the absolute most in the world.  Stop thinking about everything you could be doing or everything you are not doing and enjoy the here and now.”  That is exactly what I am doing.

I have yet to really answer the question at hand.  Yes I have babbled once again.  I do that though so people are able to feel and understand where I am coming from.  Again, I want people to be able to relate.  This is why I have such a hard time with segregation and discrimination because we are all breathing the same air and experience a lot of the same ups and downs in life.  If I knew could be a support system for someone (or maybe more than one) through just my words or my ability to relate on different levels then that is all that matters.  The message that I want to send everyone is to stop living for yesterday or living for tomorrow and live for now because that is all there is.  If you don’t like yourself or don’t like things about yourself, ask yourself why?  Are you able to change these things?  I would always bet that you are.  I may not love my body but I was never the type of person to bitch about how I hate my things or my butt because I knew I was the one who caused me to be heavier and I am the one in control of losing weight if that is what I want to do.  I looked in the mirror one day in my old condo and I was absolutely disgusted.  I could not believe what I had let myself become.  That was the end of the line for me.  I was mad at myself.  I mean absolutely furious that a smart woman like myself could be so stupid to not take better care of myself.  I was going to lose weight.  I was done with the hating of myself because of what I saw in the mirror.  At that moment it was now or never.  I am now about 65lbs lighter.  I still have about 35-40 more lbs to go but I have made a huge change.  The thing is, I changed my mentality in a healthy manner.  I do not deprive myself.  If I want a burger or a donut I am going to have those things.  I am just not going to have those things everyday.  I have also realized that for me to keep the weight off I need to be active.  I workout 3-4 times a week and I work part-time at a restaurant which also keeps me constantly moving.  It is really hard to change your mentality and see yourself differently than you ever have before.  I still sometimes struggle because some days I only see the fat girl in the mirror.  I have realized though, even on those days when I am just not loving the way I look, that my looks are not at all who I am.  I tell myself that I have so many gifts to offer people in the forms of love, friendship, mentorship, etc.  My body is not at all who I am.  No I do not want to be extremely overweight anymore because I believe that shows lack of caring about your health.  Life is about a million realizations on a daily basis and some of these realizations are not easy to accept.  When you get used to a way of life for so long it is next to impossible to just flip to switch and think and act a completely different way.  To the reader, in your mind (or even out loud) ask yourself, what is something about myself that I would like to change?  Why do I want to change this?  What am I afraid of?  It is ok to be scared.  I am still very scared of certain changes I need to make in my life.  Hell, as cheesy as this sounds, I am afraid of doing a complete technology blackout.  I am afraid to not use Facebook or text for a week or two because I don’t know if I will be able to have contact with certain people.  How sad is that?  There are some people that I could text with for hours but if we were on the phone actually talking I feel like I would clam up.  I know I need to change this.  I bitch constantly about the loss of personal relationships in society and I am just as guilty as the next.  I need to change.

I sat in my room the other night, or as I like to call it my sanctuary and I started thinking about who I am.  I started to wonder if my babbling about positive change and finding your bliss was annoying to others or over the top.  I then thought about the words of John Lennon, “People say that I’m a Dreamer but I’m Not the Only One.”  In a heartbeat I would always choose to keep this way of thinking if it meant days filled with happiness as opposed to tears and heartache.  Those days will come and go but it is my dreams and my beliefs that have kept me sane and have made me so lucky to experience this beautiful thing called life.  My blog is filled with questions because I believe we don’t always take the time to ask ourselves these important questions.  So, here is yet more questions: What in life do you want?  What is stopping you from getting those things?  By answering that question, did you make an excuse or is there actually something holding you back?  Am I allowing other people or situations control my life?  Am I in control of my own life?  The message that I want to pass on to people is to embrace who you are.  Stop making excuses and start living.  You don’t have to go out and try to save the planet all at once but don’t ever believe that you can’t make a difference.  Everyone can make a difference in some way if they choose to do so.  Don’t let your past control you.  It is the past for a reason.  If you want to be happy right now then be happy.  It is that simple.  If you cannot do that then you are letting outside factors control you.  How does that make you feel?  Take the piece inside of you that holds your happiness and your determination and bring it to the front.  Prove to yourself (and others if you choose) that you are a leader not a follower.  Remember with that, a true leader works toward good, never evil.  Those that try to be the leader of gangs or violent groups are actually followers.  They are cowards that are allowing their circumstances control them.  There is not a damn thing wrong with being a leader and doing something that everybody else may not understand or agree with as long as you are taking a stand for what you believe in and not harming others in the process.  Remember that this is what makes you unique.  So take a moment and think about what is important to you.  Stop all of the chaos in your life and think about what you represent and what you want.  Now stop thinking about it and take action!

Day 29 Question 29:

Why is there so much violence in this country?

So I am in the midst of watching a documentary called The Interrupters.  It is based in Chicago, Illinois (and the outskirts) and it is about the epidemic of violence that is occurring every single day on the streets of this country.  I have seen violence but I have never seen violence like this.  We have troops being shipped off overseas to fight for the freedom of this country and at the same time we have wars breaking out in our own streets.  I am only half way through this documentary and there has now been mention of a 13 year old being shot and killed (he was shot 22 times), a 14 year old being shot in the leg because he jumped in front of his cousin to save him, while at a memorial service for a young boy a fight broke out and the police ended up having to leave that scene to go a couple of blocks over because there was a homicide that just occurred.  It seems unreal that this kind of violence could occur.  I am going to open up a can of worms by saying this but what I kept thinking about while watching this was every single person on film (and there have been a lot) are black.  My next statement is just a known stereotype (I do not believe this stereotype because I know it is not true) but black people are stereotyped to be thugs, poor, uneducated people.  Remember, I am just stating the stereotype, I am not at all saying that it is the truth.  What I don’t understand is why these people in these poor neighborhoods choose to live the stereotype.  They are the stereotype.  I have met and worked with many, many, many black men and women that are well-spoken and successful.  I have even worked and been friends with some that have not come from the best circumstances but have chosen to make a better life for themselves.  I know black, white, Asian, etc. people that come from nothing that have chosen to push forward and not be the stereotype.  Everyone in life has a choice.  They get to choose their actions and reactions.  I do understand that when you grow up a certain way that is what you know but I find it hard to believe that at some point in their lives they did not catch wind that violence is wrong and there is absolutely no benefit to it.  In this documentary a mother moved out of her own house because her two grown sons (prob 18 and 19) were in opposing gangs and she started to fear for her own life.  They have no idea where she even lives.  Her sons, related by blood, were threatening to kill each other.  What is wrong with that picture?  Again, we have men and women traveling thousands of miles, dodging bullets, being victims of roadside bombs, fighting for the freedom of every individual in this country because they have such a great respect and love for this country and its people but we have people on our own soil that are so ignorant (yes I said it) and so “proud” that they would kill someone in their own family.  They would be willing to kill someone for not paying them back $5.

Trust me I understand that people grow up in a certain lifestyle and that is what they understand and know but I just don’t understand how violence like this has escalated in the way that it has.  How can ANYONE be ok with putting a bullet in someone and taking their life?  How can ANYONE be ok with bashing a person’s face in to the point that he/she is unrecognizable?  I believe violence like this occurs because we (not everyone but a lot of people) have unfortunately become a society that believes in entitlement.  The world owes us a favor for some reason or another.  I used to teach a Life Skills class to young women (ages 16-30).  These were all young women that had children and were all studying to take the GED.  Yes, you figured it out, they were all high school dropouts.  Each and every one of these women fell far below the poverty line.  It was not an uncommon occurrence to walk into the class and find two of them arguing (standing up in each other’s faces waving their fingers at each other) about something or another.  It was usually about some guy, most likely one of the “baby daddy”.   The girls would be in screaming matched because supposedly one of them slept with the father of the other one’s baby.  It amazed me to watch because most of the time it was just a rumor AND the guy that they were fighting about was not even remotely worth the fight.  These two young women, that had all kinds of potential in the world, would be fighting over some guy that is a high school dropout, unemployed, drug dealer with a criminal record.  I guess I just don’t understand the appeal.  While in the same class, I had one girl look at me and tell me the government did nothing for her.  Ok, mind you, I was the minority in this classroom.  I was amongst women that have been known to be violent.  A chord was struck with me when this girl said that and I turned her world upside down and set her straight really quick.  I said to her, “How much do you think it costs for you to sit in this classroom right now (for the 3^rd consecutive year in a row)?, How much do you think it costs for that GED examination to just be set in front of you?  How much do you think is taken out of my paycheck every single week in order for you to have food on your table and a roof over your head?  How much do you pay in rent every single month?”  My rant went on for a good fifteen minutes.  That day the ladies in my class learned a great deal about how the welfare system worked and where the money really comes from.  They may not have thought they would be getting an economics lesson that day but they got one.  The thing about it though was from that day forward they had a different kind of respect for me.  I didn’t back down to them.  I was on their playing field.  A place that they understood.  I let them know that NO ONE owes them anything.  I let them know that they can have anything they want and achieve anything they want and get themselves out of their lives of poverty but it is going to take hard work.  They were going to have to work harder than they would ever have to in their whole lives.  I told them that the choice was theirs but from that day on I didn’t want to hear even one of them bitch about anyone owing them anything.  It was a monumental moment for me.  No, I am not Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds but I was fed up.  With the jobs that I had, I was hearing stories every single day about how everyone was a victim but no one was doing anything to try to make their situations better.  In so many jobs there is so much red tape.  As employees we are forced to walk on eggshells and make sure we don’t stir the pot.  We can only say certain things.  That makes my head want to explode.  In the county I reside, in 2008 there were 171 pregnant teens, 42 of them were under 17.  In the county I reside they do not allow contraception education.  In the schools we are only allowed to teach Abstinence Only.  REALLY?????  We see the vicious cycle of teens becoming parents and not finishing school, being more apt to a life of crime and living a life of poverty.  Yes, I agree that we should teach abstinence but come on…we need to step into the 21^st century and accept that kids are having sex and they are having sex at younger and younger ages.  I believe we shoot ourselves in the foot a lot because we have so much duct tape covering our mouths.  Let’s make sure not to ruffle any feathers.  If a parent does not want a child to participate in a sex education class involving contraception education then that can be his/her choice.  I will be blatantly honest by stating my opinion and say that is a very ignorant choice of today’s parents.  A part of me feels like we have so many issues with violence, teen pregnancy and poverty because no one really talks about it.  We (teachers, government employees, etc) are constantly given a script of what we can say and what we cannot say.  Well, sometimes kids need to hear the harsh truth and know what reality really is.  If violence like this occurs all over this country then kids need to be subjected to videos showing a child (yes I say child) their same age with their brains splattered all over the pavement from a gun shot.  Kids need to be exposed to prisons and meet prisoners and hear their stories.  Kids need to hear from single mothers that are struggling to make ends meet-walk into a home that should have been condemned years ago but people live there.  These
things are life.

This is a subject that I get pretty heated about because I feel like there is so much that can be done that isn’t being done.  We have become a society that must always be so politically correct and worrisome about offending someone that we aren’t teaching our kids about the real world at all.  Our kids are growing up ignorant because we are teaching them to be ignorant.

I must say again as I always do that everything I have said here is based strictly on my opinions and my experiences.  I realize that every situation is different.  I write this blog to hear other people’s opinions.  I want to know other people’s stories.  :0)

Day 28 Question 28:

Where do you find inspiration?

There are days that I pull myself out of bed and I have absolutely no idea where the day is going to lead me.  I may make a tentative game plan but that usually gets side-swiped by life.  I prefer it that way though.  I have pretty much lived my life by schedules and itineraries.  Having this blog and answering a different question everyday allows me to kind of just take life moment by moment.  I still have responsibilities and I will make plans (I mean I work 60+ hours a week and I am taking Graduate school classes-sometimes you have to make plans in order for anything to happen) but as of lately I have kind of just let life happen.  I used to always feel guilty if I would be completely lazy on my day off.  I would always have a battle in my head thinking about all of the things I “should” be doing.  I don’t have many lazy days so now when I have the opportunity I do enjoy them.  Those are some of the times I am inspired most.  I will crawl up in my recliner that is tucked in the corner of my room and watch movies or documentaries or escape into a book.  It is like I am in my own sanctuary, the place that is completely mine.  This place that I call all mine allows me to be myself without worrying about judgment and I am able to escape into my creativity.  I had abandoned my creativity for such a long time and now that I have returned to it I am absolutely in love.

I am the type of person that can find inspiration in almost anything.  I soak in so much and allow myself to feel and be in the moment and not just think about it.  For so long I would get caught up in my thoughts and I was not in touch with what I was feeling.  Once I started to tune into what I was feeling, inspiration was everywhere.  Yesterday I met a friend at Barnes and Noble to discuss WordPress and layout.  We talked about my blog and I told her how strange everything has turned out to be.  In the past when I wrote I used to only write at times I felt depressed, sad or anxious.  I revisited a lot of my own writings and they reflected self-loathing and self-doubt.  I still have times when I have to vent about what I am feeling and sometimes I do not enjoy those feelings but I have found a new love for writing during times of zen and peacefulness.  I write from a place of happiness as opposed to a place of doubt.  I truly believe I have rewired myself because of my determination.  I had fallen to this place of self-hatred and depression and I was just sick of it.  I knew I was the only person that was going to get myself out of that way of life so I forced myself to read more about uplifting experiences and I forced myself to find what I loved.  I forced myself to take the positive beliefs about myself and bring them to the surface and not allow them to get lost again.  Everyday is not perfect but it really is amazing how everything changes when you continually expose yourself to a different/more positive lifestyle.  I have always said and I believe it to be 100% true, “If you believe you are defeated then in fact you are defeated.”  It took me a long time but I have finally realized the truth behind choice.  Our thoughts and out reactions are a choice.  We may feel overwhelmed and we may be exposed to situations that we know will hurt us, anger us or make us sad but we have complete control of our reactions.  We are in control of how we treat people.  We are in control of the choices we make.  Life has been about acceptance of these things and this has lead to great inspiration for me.  Even moments that at the time felt horrible, that I was unable to understand, have been inspirational.  I am inspired by people and their lives.  I am inspired by music.  I am inspired by movies.  I am inspired by nature.  I am inspired by world events and crisis.  When I am feeling down, I make it a point to expose myself to documentaries or news stories that involve people that have gone through tragedies in some form or another.  I do not enjoy reading this things but it allows me to see the value in my own life and not take what I have for granted.  Everyone has a different story and I love that.  I ask people a ridiculous amount of questions (sometimes it can annoy the hell out of them) and that is because I love hearing about other people’s journeys.  It is amazing sometimes to find the similarities you may share with someone you never thought you would and even if you don’t, there is always the opportunity to learn and potentially experience something you may never have before.  People inspire me to conquer fears all of the time.

Sometimes I think to myself, “Diane you are living in a dream world.”  I like my dream world.  Yesterday I went to Barnes and Noble with a friend.  We worked on the layout of this blog then went to dinner.  After dinner we went to see the movie The Vow with Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams.  The amount of inspiration I felt and how much I took in during this day was amazing.  I was able to people watch which is one of my favorite things in the world.  How awesome is it to be sitting somewhere and just watch people and make up stories about them in your own head.  The chances of you having the story right are probably slim to none but it’s like you are a screenwriter.  You get to choose the plot of your characters.  You sit and wonder if those people in life are happy.  You wonder if they are in relationships and what those relationships are like.  Are they in love or are they just going through the motions?  What do these people worry about?  Are these people a threat?  This is another place I find inspiration.  There are billions of people on this planet and everyone has a different story and have walked a different path.  Other people have hardships that I am sure I wouldn’t even be able to imagine experiencing.  People surprise me all of the time and I love that.  Meeting people through this blog has been inspirational and so moving.  I live in the Bible Belt of South Carolina (I am originally from northern NY-yes I still experience culture shock even after 10 years) and have received comments and questions from people in Australia and the UK.  I feel like I have gained friends (even it is just in the virtual sense) from other cultures that are allowing me to learn about a life so different than my own.  How awesome is that?

Inspiration is constantly knocking on my door and I feel so lucky to hear it.  I find inspiration in challenges.  I find inspiration in hardships.  I feel inspiration in displays of love and affection.  I find inspiration in other people’s stories.  I feel inspiration in my fears.  I feel inspiration in arguments.  I feel inspiration through tears and sadness.  I feel inspiration through sitting in silence and just looking at what surrounds me.  It is these inspirations that make me feel alive.  It is these inspirations that push me so much farther than I ever thought I could go.  It is these inspirations that constantly drive me to want to learn and experience more and more.  It is these inspirations that make me want to help and teach others.  It is these inspirations that make me love in a way that is so genuine and so deep.  It is these inspirations that make me compassionate and empathetic.  It is these inspirations that make me want to hug someone when they feel like their world is falling apart (even if I feel like my world is falling apart too).  It is these inspirations that let me know that everything really is going to be ok.

Of course I could go on and on with stories and details of specific inspirations but I will save that for another blog entry.  For now I must depart and let inspiration find me.  I am curious though, my fellow readers, what specifically inspires you and what do you do when you feel inspired?

Day 27 Question 27:

Do you want to have children?

As pretty much everyone knows, I am 33 years old.  I am at a critical point in my life where everyone is focusing in on whether or not I am going to have children or not.  Oh that good ole timeline everyone goes by.  I guess I am just not like the norm.  No, I am not trying to be some big unique snowflake either and prove to everyone how rebellious and different that I am.  To be completely honest I am unsure if I want children.  When I sought therapy for awhile to discuss my stresses and just my worrisome ways my counselor asked me if I wanted children.  I told her I was unsure.  She asked me what my reservations were.  I told her that we live in a very scary world nowadays.  I would want nothing but the best for my children but sometimes those things are not always controllable.  I sometimes have anxiety and nervousness and I do not want to potentially cause another person to have those things.  My counselor said that I was basing my decision on fear.  This is probably true but in the same I believe my fears are realistic.  Having a relationship is one thing and even getting married is one thing (which I am also unsure of) but having a child is a whole other thing.  This is a life you will be responsible for until the day you die.  So many people say that the job is over when they turn 18 but if you are a good parent that is not the truth at all.  My mother is my everything to this very day and she still takes care of me sometimes when she knows I need comfort in some way or another.  I may not be a parent but I understand A LOT about what parenting involves.  It truly is the hardest job there is out there because the job never ends.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love children.  I love the wonder and curiosity in their faces.  I love their eagerness to learn.  I love their innocence.  I have been a nanny for 2+ years now.  I am a nanny for twin girls that are one.  I love these two girls with all of my heart.  In a minute I would take a bullet for them if I had to.  I have nephews that I love so dearly and although I don’t get to see them a lot because of the distance between us, I love spending time with them.  I love interacting with kids and with lack of sounding arrogant I think I am great with kids.  Kids seem to be drawn to me.  My boss at the restaurant I work at (yes I work 2 jobs and I am in Grad school-hence all of the fun topics of discussion) has two girls that are 6 and 7.  Every time I walk into the restaurant and they are there they shout my name and come running into my arms.  They are eager to ask me questions and tell me about their days.  I absolutely love it.  You would think that with these types of experiences and feelings that I would want children of my own but I am really unsure.  I know how big of a responsibility children are and I would never ever blame them for anything but I know that they can cause a strain on relationships (husband/wife).  I would only want children with someone that I know absolutely 100% without an ounce of doubt that I would spend the rest of my life with.  I am picky when it comes to men these days and it is not because I am looking for someone that is really handsome or has lots of money.  It is important that you share values and beliefs and even if you don’t it is important that you can accept the differences that you do have.  I believe a lot of people enter marriage very blindly.  They do not find out some important things in advance.  There are things that people overlook that could have a huge affect on a relationship: religion, parenting techniques, discipline, mental health, views on subjects such as racism, homosexuality, genders, etc.  A lot of people may say that I am overthinking it all (which with me that is quite possible) but as I have stated before, I do not take marriage lightly.  Too many people get wrapped up in the wedding and forget about the marriage.  When you marry someone you make vows and promises.  I do not want to promise someone something and then when the going gets tough break that promise.  It can be hard to accept certain things about people and if you learn about them after taking vows what do you do?  These are the things that matter to be because I want to know that if I do get married one day that I am going to be accepted for all that I am and I can accept all that that other person is.  I know we will not agree on anything but I want to believe we will both be able to accept and keep moving forward.  For me, I believe because I am a hopeless romance with an insane amount of passion in me that I will just know if and when the time is right.  I do not believe I have ever experienced true love but I believe if I do I will know it down to the core of my being and I believe true love comes with absolutely no doubts.  If I ever feel that then I would embark of bringing children into the world.  I would because I know I would have a partner to help me in the times that I needed it the most.  We would always be a team.

Through my previous jobs (prior to being a nanny) I was exposed to so many family hardships.  Not my own thank goodness.  I have visited so many broken homes where I had no idea what kind of chances children stood.  I have had a child look me in the eye and tell me in the eye (a 3 year old) and tell me he wanted me to take him home because he hated living where he did.  It took everything in me not to break down into tears in that moment.  I know these are extreme circumstances because these were children that have been “raised” by mainly teen parents and have known nothing but a life of poverty.  Even at that though, you have no idea how your child is going to turn out.  I won’t lie and say I am not terrified that I could potentially screw my child up.  I am afraid that I will not be capable enough to do the job.  My head is constantly turning a mile a minute and I would never want to force my child to believe certain ways just because I do but I also would not want my child acting out because he/she has no discipline.  There is a fine line between freedom and taking the reins.  I love my mother so very dearly and find her to be the most incredible woman on this planet but I would not want to make some of the same mistakes she did.  She was a very overprotective mom that didn’t let us do a whole lot just so we wouldn’t get hurt.  I understand completely why she did this.  It is a natural instinct of a mother.  But in the same sometimes you have to let your kids fall in order for them to get stronger and continually pick themselves up.  When you have a child you are responsible for another human life outside of your own and your actions are going to pave the way of who they will become.

I say all this and I know it does sound like I am speaking completely out of fear…I am.  Parenting is a huge responsibility and I just want to do everything right.  I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I continually improve all of the time.  I am at a point in my life where I am experiences greater happiness than I have in longer than I can even remember.  It has taken me a long time to get here though.  If I have a child, I would want to show them the world as much as I can-even if it is through books.  I would teach them about compassion and being there for others.  I would expose them to volunteering and teach them about all kinds of religions and spirituality.  I would expose them to everything I could and let them know that the choice is theirs and I will love them unconditionally every day of my life.  I know I would be an amazing mother.  I have just experienced pain in my life that I would not want my child to experience because that would break me.  Bullying is a problem that is growing so rapidly and I don’t know what I would do if my child was a victim of it.  That is life though right.  Those are the challenges to be faced.  Life can sometimes be scary and I guess I do just have to accept that and not let these fears control me.  I kind of went all over the map with my thoughts here.  I am undecided.  Like marriage, I believe it will be something I just know.  I think it will just hit me hard and I will know whether it is what I want or not.  Until then I am just enjoying everything life has to throw at me.  :0)

Day 26 Question 26

What are your thoughts on homosexuality/hate crimes?

I want to first start this blog entry off by dedicating it to all of those individuals and their family members who have been subjected to hate crimes.  A great deal of saddens has taken over my heart thinking about those that have been tortured or murdered just for being who they are.  I wish hatred like this did not exist.

I have watched 2 documentaries in the last couple of days (yes I am on a documentary kick).  One is called FagBug and the other is A Dream in Doubt (Please check them both out—I enjoyed both very much and they were both gave me a big dose of perspective).  In both documentaries people were victimized just for being who they are.  Why is this country (yes, I know it happens all over the world-but I am focusing on the country I live in) like this?  How can people have that much hatred in themselves to brutally assault or kill someone based on their sexual orientation or their ethnic heritage?  I seriously cannot wrap my brain around it.  We live in this country/world that has been so overtaken by stereotypes.  I admit that I have stereotyped people myself.  This is a difficult thing to say but after 9/11 it was hard to see Muslims walking around and not make an assumption that they were tied to terrorism in some way.  But I also knew this was extreme ignorance on my part.  I have stereotyped other cultures as well and I am embarrassed to admit it but I will admit it.  I have stereotyped Mexican men and assumed they all look at women like sex objects.  I have gone as far as to say I would not want to be stuck in a dark alley with a Mexican.  How ignorant was that thinking?  A lot has changed though.  I currently work at a restaurant that is owned by an Indonesian woman.  She has staff members that are from Indonesia, Thailand, Honduras and Mexico.  Her manager is a gay white male.  Her restaurant is a bullseye for discrimination.  I have learned more than I could ever imagine while working here.  Our cook is from Guatemala and he is one of the kindest most loving people I have ever met.  I love going to work and meandering into the kitchen and seeing his face light up with excitement because I am there.  I am so proud to call him my friend.  He is nothing like the stereotype of Mexicans that unfortunately I had held onto for longer than I should have.  Yes, there are Mexican men out there that treat women like sex objects but there are American, Asian and black men that do the same thing.  Working at this restaurant has been this amazing opportunity to see culture outside of my own.  I would sit in the back of the restaurant on slow nights and talk to one of the chefs that was from Indonesia.  He has worked on cruise lines and has been to many parts of the world.  I listened to him tell me stories and through his words and facial expressions he would show so much pride in his country.  He loved being in the United States because of the opportunities and he had family and friend connections but he was so proud of his heritage.  He loved having the opportunity to experience both of these things.  He is a Muslim.  Not ever could I look at him and think he could possibly be a terrorist.  He has more love in his heart for people (of any cultural background) that most people I know have.  He was one of the most endearing and caring people anyone would ever meet.  He would give up all he has to help someone else and their race of religion would not even be a consideration in the matter.  This restaurant is a big cultural melting pot that is filled with some of the most unique, beautiful people there are.  We are truly a family and I find that to be so fulfilling in my life.  I feel lucky to have been exposed to people of such different backgrounds and to learn more about cultures that I knew very little.  I wish more people had this opportunity so they could potentially erase their prejudices and hatred.  I believe people are ignorant and hold these prejudices because they choose not to expose themselves to other cultures.  To be honest, I think some people fear that they are going to actually like or enjoy spending time with people of other cultures or sexual orientation and they do not want this to happen because it goes against what they have been taught and what they have known all of their lives.  Bill O’Reilly was on The View one day and said, “Muslims are responsible for 9/11.”  How could this “political role-model” say something so outlandish.  Yes, the EXTREMISTS that attacked the World Trade Center and the Pentagon were Muslims but how can you blame an entire race for that?  I guarantee that the Muslim people I work with would NEVER support these kind of actions and that is because their love is strong for humankind.  They don’t see race, religion, sexual-orientation, etc.  His statement was one of the most ignorant things I have ever heard in my life and he should hang his head in absolute shame for saying such a thing.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs that PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE!!!  I do not understand how we live in a country called the UNITED Stated and are so divided.  We have this great opportunity to embrace all of these different cultures and lifestyles and learn so much more about the world outside of ourselves and we reject it.  I don’t understand that.  We have this beautiful classroom called life and we sit in our corner never asking questions or raising our hands.  We live in a world full of violence and hate and are losing focus of love.  In my opinion, love should be the only answer.  Maybe that sounds like a “hippie” way of thinking but it is how I feel.  I know I can’t change the world all by myself but I can change myself.  I can bring awareness to my own ignorance and prejudices and choose to educate myself and expose myself to things outside of my norm.  How many times have you made a snap judgment about someone based on their race, religion or sexual orientation and after spending time with them you found out how wrong your judgment was?  It is natural to judge but it is unnatural to keep that judgment if we don’t choose to learn about someone or something.  Don’t keep judging and be ignorant all at the same time.

In the documentary FagBug a female college student, who just happens to be gay, has the word Fag spray painted on her car.  After strong contemplation she decides to take a stand and use her voice.  She does not get the words cleaned off her car but instead drives her car across the country to raise awareness and hate crimes.  The story is a beautiful one because you see so many people brought together and she made this HUGE impact from one small idea.  Just trust me on this and check it out.  I have stated before that I believe people are born gay.  There is so much controversy on this issue and the question of whether this is the case is always on the table.  Whether it is or not people have the choice to be who they feel most comfortable with being.  I hear so many people say, “I don’t want to see it.”  Well I don’t want to see extreme displays of public affection by ANYONE.  I don’t care if they are gay, straight, black, white, purple or green.  If you feel like dry humping then take it behind closed doors, I don’t care what sexual orientation you are.  ;0)  Love is love though.  Not one person should be denied their rights to love who they love or to marry that person if that is what they want.  I know many would disagree with me and say that marriage is meant to be between a man and a woman.  I have yet to hear a GOOD reason as to why and if you know me, you know I don’t want to hear because the Bible says so.  The Bible says a lot of things that people pick and choose what to adhere to.  Just because you say you follow Christ doesn’t mean you are a Christian.  People say one thing and do another all of the time.  I will say again that I am unsure of my religious/spiritual beliefs but I do have a hard time believing that if God really did exist that he would want people to spew hatred or harm others.  Serious hatred seems so unnatural to me and I wish it did to others as well.  I understand annoyance and anger when things do not go a certain way but I just do not understand hating someone so much that you would wish bad things to happen to them or possibly inflict the harm yourself.  In the documentary FagBug there is reference to a young man named Ryan Skipper that was brutally killed (stabbed 19 times and had his throat slashed) and the 2 men that did this stole his car and road around town bragging that they killed a fag.  I seriously cannot understand hatred like that.  Do they truly feel that way or is it learned behavior?  How can people hurt, harm or murder someone they do not even know just based on part of their character.  My manager at the restaurant is gay and he is one of my nearest and dearest friends.  He is my family.  We have a long running joke that we are going to get married because he is the only man I would be able to put up with.  My mom even said she wishes he wasn’t gay so we could be together.  That is how amazing he really is.  His homosexuality has absolutely nothing to do with his kind, giving nature.  I swear that sometimes he is the male version of me.  We think very similarly and have many of the same points of view.  We tend to see the world in very similar ways.  The only thing I want for him is happiness.  Each and every day I hope he experiences way more happiness than sadness or pain.  I would be absolutely destroyed and devastated if anything were to ever happen to him.  This is a person that is WAY more than just his sexuality.  I keep saying it over and over again but I just don’t understand hatred.  I don’t understand how people can take it to a level that they are willing to take a person’s life.  I feel like people have really become confused as to what pride really is.  I am proud to be an American.  I am proud to be a woman.  I am proud to be a daughter.  I am proud to be a friend.  I am proud to be me in any and all forms.  This does not make me better than ANYONE.  I am proud that I accept others and embrace others.  I believe this is what pride is really about.  Being able to love yourself but also love and embrace those around you.  Why stay in your bubble day in and day out?  Ask yourself if you have hatred for someone or some group whether that hatred is based on your true and honest beliefs or whether you are hating because someone else told you that is what you are supposed to be doing.  Are you trying to impress someone?  I know I have been a follower before.  I don’t like being a follower because that means I don’t really have a voice.  That makes me someone’s puppet.  Ask yourself (and I mean really think about it), are you someone’s puppet?  You don’t have to be.  Ask yourself, am I hating someone else because I do not love myself or because I actually hate myself?  I will always recommend people to use tact and discretion.  Choose your words wisely so you don’t hurt others but let your voices be heard and take a stand.  People really don’t need to be so hateful.  To hate is a choice.  I wanted to leave you with some links of websites that I found that I thought would open your mind a little bit.  I am just asking for all of my readers (and please pass this along to everyone you know-yes I want more blog followers but it is the message that is most important to me) to take the time out to love instead of hate.  When you feel the anger balling up inside of you take a deep breath and ask if it is really worth it or ask what benefit there is to harming or hurting someone else even if it is with just words.  Love the people around you.  I believe love is contagious.  Don’t stoop to the level of hatred because nothing good ever comes from hatred.  So much good comes from love, respect and kindness.  There are opportunities around you each and every day to learn.  Although you may not agree with where others comes from you still get the chance to see life from a different perspective.  Don’t reject that.  Embrace that.  To all of my readers, I love you very much…yes I say that without even knowing some of you.  Love yourself and it will make it that much easier to love others.  I hope your day is filled with overwhelming happiness.

Websites:

http://www.ryanskipperdocumentary.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-B3MQM8FbsA&feature=watch-now-button&wide=1

http://blog.mattalgren.com/2009/07/sean-kennedys-murderer-released-early-serves-less-than-two-years/

http://www.matthewshepard.org/our-story

Day 25 Question 25:

What do you believe constitutes as a sin?

I answer this question with the blood pumping through my veins pretty rapidly.  As you know I have been on a documentary kick lately.  I don’t get into scientific and history documentaries so much…they may peak my interest here and there though.  Tonight I decided to watch Most Hated Family in America.  I speak of the Phelps family from Topeka, Kansas.  The creators of the Westboro Baptist Church.  I have never watched such pure filth in my entire life.  I completely admit that I am ignorant when it comes to religion and the complete understand of various theologies and the Bible.  I never attended church regularly and when I did as a child I never put much effort in while I was there because honestly my mind was elsewhere.  Not one ounce of me (and I am sure lots of people that know me would agree) believes that I am a bad person or I am damned to go to Hell because of making the choice not to believe in something.  I spend majority of everyday trying to increase my knowledge and treat people with kindness and respect.  I strive to make people’s days better by paying them compliments or sharing stories with them.  I believe I have a gift of putting people at ease by making them feel an immediate sense of comfort when they are around me.  I am not bragging.  I am just stating qualities and traits about myself that I believe are very positive.  God, the Bible or church had no affect on these characteristics I have within myself.  I have stated it before and I will state it again, I have a great respect for those that attend church and praise their God.  I admire them for having such strong convictions.  I just choose to live believing in love and making your own choices as you see fit according to how you feel.  I am currently in a time in my life where I am seeking knowledge wherever I can and am trying to take in as much as I can.  I want to absorb things.  Yes, I would like to try to absorb as much positivity as possible but I expose myself to negativity as well…some by choice and some by chance.  I really don’t criticize people’s lifestyles unless I believe they are harmful to themselves or others and usually that is pretty extreme.  I am a good person and no one can convince me differently.  I believe that if someone in the church is going to judge and criticize me for my choices or actions then they are not living by the words of the Bible they claim to be so sacred.  I cannot chain myself to a belief because I know I will make mistakes throughout my entire life.  I know I have and will continue to “sin” throughout my whole life and I do not want to live a life of fear because I am not following a certain set of rules that in my opinion are unknown.  Again, I respect people’s beliefs, but FOR ME (and me only) I have a hard time believing something I do not absolutely know.  Religion/God/The Bible are only one small part of the stuff that I am unsure of the truth.

According to the dictionary sin is

 1. transgression of divine law: the sin of Adam.

2. any act regarded as such a transgression, especially a willful or deliberate violation of some religious or moral principle.

3. any reprehensible or regrettable action, behavior, lapse, etc.; great fault or offense: It’s a sin to waste time.

According to these words, I sin all of the time.  I have done things in a moment without thinking that I regretted later.  Some of these things may have included using hateful words or language or using poor judgment.  I see these things as being human not as sins.  At this time in our lives we are already bogged down by laws and rules and regulations and policies almost everywhere we go.  Society is making us into robots in a sense.  Big Brother is watching us.  I just believe that living through the fear of “sinning” and going to hell is no way to live.  In my opinion, it takes the joy out of life because you are no longer living for you.  I do realize though, the message of many churches is to put God before yourself.  If people choose to do that I am completely fine with that.  I do not choose to do that.  I believe people have to be accountable for their actions and from what I have experienced and viewed a lot of people are putting their actions into the hands of “God” to take care of.  I don’t know if they are just not understanding what the message really is or if I don’t???

I know I am probably going to catch a lot of heat for this blog entry.  Religion is a very touchy subject.  I will say it again though, these are just my opinions.  My character shines through in my writings and I would hope that most people would realize that.  So, just to get back for a moment discussing the documentary I watched.  If I were to believe in “sin” then the Phelps family are the absolutely truest sinners in the world.  I find all of their actions to be an absolute disgrace to the human race.  I am actually shocked that no one has gunned them down at one of the rallies (no I am not saying I want that to happen, I am just saying I am surprised some very angry individual has not done it—then again I can’t believe OJ Simpson wasn’t gunned down but that is another story in and of itself).  I believe everyone in this world has love within themselves and has the capacity to show it but some just choose hate instead.  I believe that if there is a God that he would think the same way.  To walk around saying God Hate Fags and saying soldiers that were killed fighting for our countries freedom deserved to die is nothing but pure evil.  I may be ignorant about a lot of things and may not always be sure what my beliefs truly are but what I do believe in is humanity and helping thy neighbor.  It will not always be an easy task but being compassionate and empathetic is within all of us.  This documentary showed 7 and 9 year olds picketing on the side of the road holding signs that said: God Hates You or God Hates the Troops.  When asked if they knew what these things meant they both stood there clueless.  They had to have the answers fed to them by their mother.  This is not a church.  This is a cult.  These people have all been brainwashed.  This is no different from David Koresh and the cult he lead in Waco, Texas.  If I were to use the word sin, this behavior would define it.

I had a girl send me an email once that said how can you call yourself Agnostic when you speak a lot about Buddhism and read stuff from the Dalai Lama.  My answer was simple.  I keep my mind open to as much as I possibly can in order to potentially find stronger convictions in certain things.  I told her I admire a lot about Buddhist philosophies but I cannot claim myself as a Buddhist.  I also told her I would not be opposed to reading the Bible.  It is a learning tool and an experience just like anything else.  This is why I love the way I choose to live because I give myself this kind of freedom.  I choose not to be limited.  I do not mind if people educate me on their beliefs but I do not want it shoved down my throat.  I do not want people telling me I need to think this way or that way or even tell me I SHOULD think a certain way.  What a lot of people do not understand is the concept of tact and discretion.  I am willing to listen to you and consider what you say if you come at me in a manner in which you are exposing something new to me to give me new information.  Once you tell me my way of doing things or my way of thinking is wrong or I need to do things a certain way according to your beliefs I will immediately shut the idea out of my head.

As so many of you know by now I believe in beauty.  I think that the world is all about these things and sometimes these things get lost or get warped but they are still there.  This is all I want to share with people and if they choose not to take it that is ok.  All I want is for people to experience happiness in their lives that comes at their own free will.  I state over and over again in this blog that everything I write is strictly opinion based because my experiences will never match up with another person’s.  There will come times that I want people to agree with me and I will get frustrated when they don’t but I am aware of that as well.  That does not control me.  It’s a self-awareness and learning process.  I don’t care what religion, race, creed, sexual orientation or gender you are.  If you show that you are a kind person that strives to do good as often as possible then I will accept you.  If you make mistakes and take ownership for them I will have great respect for you.  It is quite simple.

One day I was driving to my parents house and I passed a church and on the sign it read: Homosexuality may be legal in New York but it is still illegal in the bible.  I literally did a double take and couldn’t believe I didn’t run my car off the road.  I see people as people.  We all live and breathe the same air and walk on 2 legs (if we are lucky) and have eyes and ears and mouths (again if we are lucky).  I thought to myself, “Why don’t they just write I Hate Fags on their sign.”  The message they were trying to convey was pretty much that anyway.  I can’t wrap my brain around prejudices like that.  I, honestly believe that people are born gay.  In this day and age I do not believe ANYONE would choose to be gay with how mean and hateful people can act.  Matthew Shephard was hung from a fence in the middle of nowhere and left to die because he was gay.  He was ridiculed and beaten because of his sexual preference.  I still remember being in my college dorm room and listening to the news and waiting to see if he was going to make it.  He did not.  People are people.  Everyone should have the same rights and everyone should be treated the same but unfortunately it is not that way in this world.  It saddens me because I have many gay friends that I think are some of the most amazing people in the world.  One of my closest friends is the manager at the restaurant that I work and he is gay.  I love him with all of my heart and I want nothing for him but the utmost happiness a person could experience.  His sexuality is of no concern to me.  What matters about him is his caring nature and his connection to the people he surrounds himself with.  Many people don’t even know he is gay and his personality just makes people radiate to him.  So, because he is gay, he does not deserve the same rights as me because I am straight?  Out of all of the people I have met in my life he ranks in the top 5 of being the most wonderful, kind and compassionate people I have encountered.  His sexuality does not define him at all.  I really do wish things were different in this country…hell in the world but I realize in my lifetime I may not see all of the changes that I would like to but that does not mean I won’t stop fighting with this army of 1 (ME).  I really did not get too in depth with the question at hand but I believe I gave my thoughts for the day that I felt were important.  I, usually leave off my posts asking for people to just keep an open mind or think about something or another.  I am not asking you to agree with me, just keep the thoughts in your head and be open to something different.  With this post, I just ask you to think about the love that is in the world even when you may not see it.  When you have the urge to judge or condemn someone ask yourself what you are guilty of and if your judgment is then necessary.  We all make mistakes in life and there is nothing wrong with it if we do what we can to fix them.  I wish the Phelps family had a different mind-set but they do not and probably never will.  It is saddening but it doesn’t change me.  To all of my readers, thank you for the continuing support.  Even if our views don’t match up we are all still artists and creators. :0)

Day 24 Question 24:

How do you define beautiful?

This is a big question.  This is a question where everyone in the world would probably have a different answer.   I chose this question today because I have been reading and contemplating different things (yes I know that is a big surprise) and I keep coming back to thinking about women and their obsession with their bodies and their outer appearance.  I am one of these women.  I get so hooked on worrying about what I look like and ache to have all of my imperfections fixed.  One day I can feel totally confident and comfortable with myself and the next I don’t want to even look in the mirror.  Those days I feel like it is unfair that I have to look the way that I do.  I feel like it is unfair that I don’t have a perfectly fit body or perfect teeth or perfect skin.  Yes, those days can feel really rough and will drain me so badly.  Luckily those days are coming much fewer and far between because I am not grasping life in a different way.  That is me though.  I know so many women that still suffer with this self-loathing every second of every single day.  It is a mental illness because we have wired our brains to think we are not good enough or that we have to be a certain size or shape with a particular hair color and flawless skin in order to be considered beautiful.  This is so wrong.  Beauty does not have a thing to do with the outer appearance.  Yes, some people have been blessed with flawless skin or very shapely beautiful bodies but those things do not at all define who they are.  They are assets that will change and age over time.  This is not an insult….this is just the cycle we call life.  We all age and we all grow old.

So, then what is beautiful?  How can one define this word?  I do not understand how the dictionary even has a definition because in my opinion beauty is something different to everyone.  There are so many words that have these set definitions in this book that has guided us all of our lives.  Such words as: truth, perfection, right, wrong and love.  To me they can only be defined individually, not as a whole for everyone to believe is right and there is no bending.  Beautiful is a person being completely true to self.  Beautiful is having the ability to carry love in your heart at all times even when everything seems to be going wrong.  Beautiful is opening up your mind and learning as much in this world as possible.  Beautiful is always striving to be better.  Beautiful is inspiring others.  Beautiful is being scared to death but being courageous all at the same time.  Beautiful is admitting your flaw and faults but not allowing them define you.  Beautiful is you being the only person to define you, no one else.  Beautiful is having strong convictions and beliefs but still being open to other’s points of view.  Beautiful is acting with kindness and compassion.  Beautiful is putting other’s before yourself.  Beautiful is accepting yourself.  You may not be thin or the most successful person in school or where you work but you are still one of a kind.  Knowing and believing that is beautiful.  Beauty is everywhere in this world, around every corner and behind every door.  We sometimes just have to take off our judgmental glasses to see it.  What does not fit our mold may be perfect for someone else.

Sometimes when I write these blog entries I feel like I complete cheese out.  I feel like people are going to think I am this all-knowing perfect angel that does nothing wrong and harps all of this stuff about positive thinking and inspiration.  Well, I guess I am one of those people.  No, I am far from a perfect angel but I have an immense amount of goodness in my heart.  I need to follow my own advice and stop letting my thoughts about what other’s are thinking take me over.  I have to say to myself, “You are being positive and trying to motivate others.  If other’s find that bad that is there choice.  You are doing a great thing.  You know it helps you and you can help others even if it is in just a small way.”  I do want people to know they are beautiful.  I think that is very important in life.  I spent several years not ever embracing my beauty because I had the definition all wrong.  I got all caught up in the media’s definition of beauty is and my thoughts on what I thought a man wants a woman to look like that I completely lost touch with what beauty truly is.  I bring up these subjects in my blog because I know so many women (and I know men do too) criticize themselves inside and out.  We hate our nose or our ears stick out or our thighs are too big or our boobs aren’t big enough (I would be speaking of others about the boob thing-I surely don’t have that problem-hahahaha).  I write these things to remind myself.  We live in this society where there is a really warped idea of what beautiful really is.  Who do you surround yourself with?  How do they define beauty?  Do you agree?  If not, it may be time to reevaluate your settings and who you surround yourself with.  Take a second and reflect back on your childhood (probably up until about 3^rd grade).  What you looked like and what you wore did not matter.  How much money you had was insignificant.  Everyone was your friend (for the most part).  All that mattered was having fun and enjoying life.  Life should not be any different but unfortunately it is.  BUT, you can always make a choice as to how you view things and how you want to react to them.  There are a lot of in your face questions that can be asked here: Do you enjoy allowing other’s to define you?  Do you believe that being beautiful means being tall and thin?  Have you ever met someone with great physical attributes but a really ugly personality?  Is this person still beautiful to you?  How many times have you actually met someone like that?  I have met several people like that.  They try to get through life on their looks, and some of them may for awhile but looks fade.  I have met men before that have been extremely handsome (at least they appealed to my eye) and as soon as they spoke they immediately lost all beauty and wonder.  Their arrogance and ignorance became a major turnoff.  They were unable to see anything outside of themselves and in my opinion that is probably one of the most UN-Beautiful qualities a person could have.

If you think about it, everything that surrounds us is beautiful because everything has a story behind it.  It is easy to judge nowadays.  We have been accustomed to doing it for so long that it has become natural.  Just because it has become natural does not mean that it is right.  It’s a habit that we should all try to break.  I find it highly doubtful that anyone could live a life without judging others or other things but it makes a big difference when one recognizes and acknowledges when they have judges.  Every person is their own character in this story called life.  We have never walked a day in another person’s shoes to understand them.  You may look at a woman that is so physically attractive and immediately judge her.  There is a good chance you are judging her out of jealousy.  I have done this plenty of times.  She may even have a very nice personality and is very kind and caring.  We don’t always see those things though.  The thing about it, this woman may not see any of her own beauty.  She may be completely broken inside for one reason or another.  Beauty is one of those things to embrace and to remind others of.  You do not always need to compliment someone on a physical attribute.  Tell they what you admire about them or what qualities you see in them that are honorable or endearing.  Let them know you see these things as the beauty they hold within themselves.  Don’t always judge a book by its cover.  People will surprise you all of the time.  Don’t assume because someone is physically nice to look at that they are automatically going to be stuck up or rude.  Yes, some may be but I have met people that have lucked out on having great physical attributes and have amazing personalities.  It is called modesty and being humble.  If I ever have children those are the two qualities I am going to make sure to teach them over and over again.  Being humble is truly beautiful.

I am a nanny for twin girls that are one.  They turned one on Christmas so I always call them the Christmas miracle babies.  Before I put them down for their nap I was playing on the floor with them, bouncing them on my lap and twirling them around.  Beautiful is the innocence a child holds on their face.  If only we could have the same curiosity and wonder that small children have.  Everything in their world is exciting and new and they love it all.  Something so small can hold their attention forever.  It is nice to be an adult in some ways but if you think about it, children are the ones that really understand the true concept of beautiful.  Everything to them is beautiful.  Children have these beautiful ignorant and naïve way.  Those two words usually come with a negative connotation but there have been plenty of times I wish I was naïve or ignorant because that way I would not know about how ugly the world can truly be sometimes.

So readers tell me this…have you experienced beauty today?  Where and in what?  I want to know what you see.  :0)

True beauty

True beauty is in the way she laughs

True beauty is in her eyes

True beauty is how she acts

True beauty is inside

True beauty is unseen

True beauty is only felt

True beauty is not mean

True beauty is herself

True beauty can’t be cruel

True beauty is bare

True beauty within you

True beauty is always there

True Beauty can’t be covered with makeup

True beauty means true love

True beauty can’t be baked up

True beauty is the flight of a dove

True beauty has no flaws

For True beauty is all that matters after all

By: Jean Pullman

Day 23 Question 23:

What is your take/opinion on the American education system at this current time?

The American education system-what a big mess it has become.  I won’t candy coat it.  This country is failing our children every single day.  I have worked in two different non-profit organizations that have worked very closely with the schools in my county.  Hell, both locations for these jobs were in the school district building.  I had a lot of exposure to the dynamics of the school system.  I realize I can only talk about this school district first hand but trust me, what I may share is only minor in comparison to what is going on in other school systems all around the nation.  People ask me all of the time why I do not have children.  There are several reasons (obviously the main reason being that I have not met the right person to have children with) but one of them, to be completely honest, is that I want my kids to have the best education opportunities possible and the chances for that are dwindling every week of every month of every year.  I believe teaching is one of the hardest yet most rewarding and important jobs that people can have.  I truly believe it takes a very special person to be a teacher and it is a job that takes an immense of amount of dedication and determination.  Teachers, if they are good teachers, are some of the most selfless people in the world.  The problem is…we have too many people in the system that are supposed to mold young children that are only there to collect a pay check.  Teachers are not the only people to blame though.  There are tons of reasons why our education system is failing at such a rapid pace.  Do I believe that part of the problem is the lack of money?  I do, yes.  BUT I also believe this is being used as an excuse.

I have watched the documentary Waiting for Superman twice now and it has absolutely blown my mind both times.  I think everyone should watch it in order to learn and see what is going on in this country.  I don’t understand how our country got into the mess that it is in.  Why do we not all value the importance of education in the same way?  We were all children once.  We may have had wonderful teachers that we admired.  We may have been the kids that felt like the system failed us.  Either way, why wouldn’t we all strive to make it the best it can be now.  In the words of Whitney Houston, “the children are our future.”  If we have school systems where more than 50% of the kids do not graduate (most have dropped by the 10^th grade) what kind of future is that?  We think criminal activity is bad now…if things continue like this, this country is going to be in complete chaos.  Just to give an example, a high school in Pennsylvania opened in the late 1980’s.  Approximately 60,000 kids have been enrolled in this school.  Approximately 40,000 of these kids did not graduate.  Does anyone else not see this as being a problem?

So, you ask, where does the problem lie and how can it be fixed?  I hate to say this but I do not know if the problem can be fixed because to be honest we have too many chiefs and not enough Indians.  We have the government that controls funding to the states then each state decides how they choose to disperse the money then each county decides where and how they want to spend the money.  There are far too many hands in the pot.  There are too many ego’s looking for recognition.  Too many people are forgetting that IT IS ABOUT THE CHILDREN!  Ego’s need to be put aside.  If you do something amazing that paves the wave for change there is a good chance you could receive recognition but this should not be the goal.  Teaching a child and helping them grow up to be model human beings should be the only goal.  Yes, I do believe teachers are some of the most underpaid workers in this country.  It saddens me deeply because I compare teachers to Superhero’s.  These are the people that take the lives of young children in their hands every single day and are expected to mold them into bright, successful adults.  They are supposed to teach them math, science, English, health, nutrition, etc.  They teach them all of the educational (and some physical) life skills for survival.  The thing is, parents need to be children’s number 1 teachers and so many times they are not.  Children are like sponges.  If you perform an action (say clapping your hands or blowing kisses) in front of a young child, you will see in many instances a child mimic that behavior.  One of my previous jobs was as a Parent Educator.  Yes, I realize I do not have children but that does not mean I should not have a voice.  There are plenty of parents out there that have no business being parents.  I have been surrounded by children for a good portion of my life and I have studied a great deal about early childhood development.  It really is not rocket science.  We are failing our children because we are no longer taking the time out.  Again, yes, I realize how busy and hectic like can be but just talking to your child (whether they are 2 months old or 2 years old) can make a world of difference.  They hear a vast amount of words which build their language and vocabulary skills and they learn very early on that they are important.  So many times I have witnessed young adults (and even adults) waste their potential because no one was taking the time out to tell them how valuable they are or how they can do anything they want if they work hard.

Let me give you an example of two.  About two years ago I worked for a nonprofit organization that focused on positive youth development.  I taught Teen Outreach Program classes that focused on subjects such as career and education building skills, peer pressure, self-esteem and self worth, STD education and Pregnancy Prevention.  There was one class that I taught that had young girls and women (a couple of males too) that ranged anywhere from 15-30ish.  Oh yes so I don’t forget, all of these people had young children under the age of 5 (some had up to 4 children or more).  This class was made up of all students studying and working toward obtaining their GED’s.  They were all high school dropouts.  I would come in a couple of times a week and talk to them about an array of subjects but my main goal was to remind them of the capabilities that they had.  I focused on their strengths.  I knew no one had been doing this…or at least had not been doing it enough.  I had 2 girls in the class that were sisters.  They were 27 and 29.   One dropped out of high school in 9^th grade and the other in 11^th.  Neither of them could read or write.  It took me a little while to realize this.  I used to have them do in-class assignments such as write 10 of the best things about yourself.  I even had them write their own obituaries.  I did this so they were able to see how they view themselves.  Anyhow, I am getting off point, these girls would sit there and barely be able to scribble out their own names.  I knew how badly they wanted to do it but were unable to.  All I kept thinking was, how on earth did they make it to 9^th and 11^th grade without knowing how to read or write???  I was shocked.  I knew they had just been pushed along their entire lives.  No one wanted to put in the work so they pushed them forward so someone else would deal with the problem.  The thing is NO ONE was dealing with the problem.  They also had no business being in a GED class.  These classes costs the state and the feds thousands of dollars per student each year.  I adored the woman that ran this program but it was very obvious to me that she was allowing them in the program to get them off the streets.  Her heart was in the right place because she had a protective nature but when it truly came down to it she was not doing anyone favors because money was being blatantly wasted.  These girls needed to be in a beginning speech and reading class.  They needed heavy tutoring.  They were in their late 20’s with children and neither of them were performing academically past a 1^st or 2^nd grade level.  One of them had a child that was 3 years old that was able to read better than her mother.  It was very sad because I knew all of the red tape and what hard economic times we are in.  So, I did what I could do to make their situation better.  I did have a job requiring me to spend a lot of hours in various places so therefore I was unable to tutor these girls but in the time I spent with them, I made sure to focus on strengths.  It was very obvious to me that both of these girls were very shy and had absolutely no self confidence.  They came from absolutely nothing and even mentally they functioned quite significantly below their age.  I, also knew that when I first started working with the class that they felt uncomfortable with me.  They didn’t have to say it but I knew they were intimidated because I was college educated and was working a full-time job.  I have heard many times in past work environments, students say they thought that I felt I was better than them.  They learned very quickly that this was not even close to the truth.  I always opened up to my students and shared my stories (not every little personal details but things I knew would make a difference).  I let them know about my anxiety and worrisome nature and my struggle with my body and self-image.  I showed them I was a real person just like them and age, race and status quo were not important to me.  Over time I watched these girls start opening up in class.  I watched them go from saying one to 2 words in the first few classes to voluntarily raising their hands and sharing their thoughts and opinions.  I let them know that their opinions and thoughts mattered just as much as anyone else’s.  I am not trying to come off like I, myself, am some superhero but I do understand how it works.  People want to feel valuable in life and want to feel important.  Sometimes people are screaming on the inside because they want to be given a chance.  Children (and even some adults) are not able to control their circumstances so I believe that school is one place that they should have their voices heard.

I guess there are things in life that seem like common sense to me and although they seem simple I do realize a lot of hard work is required.  I believe that school systems have amazing potential to do great things but we have completely lost motivation.  I have always said, “If you believe you are defeated then in fact you are defeated.”  This applies to so many aspects of life.  I think because different schools have had failures or teachers have had failures, they have just given up.  Failure is not an easy thing to accept at all but it is an opportunity to try harder.  We have all failed at things in our lives and we all have made poor decisions but these are not the things that define us.  If a teacher feels like they are failing or are getting burnt out that is their opportunity to try another strategy or ask for help.  There is no shame in asking for help.  Remember it takes a village to raise a child.

I ask of everyone to check out the documentary Waiting for Superman.  It really is an eye opener.  After watching it, ask yourself…what am I going to do to be part of the solution as opposed to part of the problem?  It is easy to get angry about these situations but nothing good ever comes out of anger.  We are in an educational rut and we HAVE to get ourselves out of it if we want to see this country prosper and see our kids grow up to be successful.  I have encountered more times than I have not the “victim mentality”.  I understand that sometimes people’s circumstances and environments are not the best and they have been brought up in poverty and have had very little.  No, I cannot relate but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have an opinion.  If you have grown up in this type of environment then your goal should be to make a better life for yourself and strive for much better than you ever have.  Teach your children that living under those kinds of conditions is not the norm.  Focusing on bettering yourself in some way or another every single day.  I truly believe that our schools would flourish way more if every school had self-esteem/character building classes and these classes need to start at a very young age.  Yes, I do believe it needs to be done in the schools because in some cases it just won’t be done at home as much as it needs to be.  In these classes we need to push the students as hard as possible.  We need to push them to the limits so they are able to see how far they are actually able to go and what their true capabilities are.  These classes should focus on career building so students can find what they are passionate about.  They should focus on self-esteem and self-awareness…striving for equality.  All students are equal regardless or race, social class, gender, etc.  They should challenge children and they should even allow them to fall or to fail so they can also learn how to pick themselves up again.  They should focus on the importance of education and show students how successful they really could be if they stay involved and active in their education.  These classes should also show them the brutal truth such as the outcomes of a poor education or high school dropout.  It is well known that students that dropout of school are far more likely to become teen parents, end up in prison or live a life of poverty.  They need to be exposed to all of these things in some manner or another.  We need to stop walking on egg shells and expose our kids to the truth.  We need to get rid of the red tape and all of these rules and regulations about what we can say and not say to our kids.  Kids need to hear the truth.  It is sad how many parents won’t allow that because they want to “protect” their children.  In the country I reside, in no school are they able to teach the children about safe sex.  They are only allowed to teach Abstinence-Only.  In 2010 there were 152 pregnant teens in the county and 42 of them were under the age of 17.  How can parents and the school district not realize that Abstinence Only is not working????

I could go on and on when it comes to this subject because I am very passionate about it.  I would love to dedicate my life to being a life coach and doing public speeches and talks about the importance of self-worth and striving for success because I believe so many people need that.  I believe EVERYONE has potential in some way or another and it saddens me deeply to see our national school system slowly giving up.  We can no longer pass the torch.  I know life is really busy but we need to make the time, especially parents and teachers/faculty members.  I, myself, myself really need to take the time as well.  Even if you are just taking a couple of hours a week to volunteer at a local nonprofit that focuses on education or tutoring students in need it makes a difference.  Showing a child that you care and that they are significant and important can make the biggest difference in the world.  As responsible adults, we need to stop using our blinders and stop thinking about only ourselves.  Other people/children need our help.  That is what life is truly about.  Yes, I realize we all need to make enough money for survival but real wealth comes from being part of a plan to help others.  Trust me, I know this first hand.  Education is vitally important.  We need to get off our asses and do what we can to improve this national problem.  Be an army of one….I wouldn’t be surprised if many more follow your lead.  Write to your congressman/congresswoman, visit the schools to see what is truly going on, sit in on a school board meeting and ask questions, write letters to the editor, volunteer your time when you can.  If enough people start doing this there is no other option but change.  It takes work though…probably some of the hardest work imaginable but the rewards will outweigh the work by a landslide. To my readers, I hope you get involved in some way or another.  I know I am going to.  Each and every one of you has a gift, a talent or a strength that must be shared.  Why keep it all to yourself???  I send you all of my love and that push to continue doing the best you possibly can.  You are worth it!

Day 22 Question 22:

Who owns your life?

Well the last blog entry I wrote was kind of morbid since it did skate on the topic of me only having one week to live so I thought why not keep up with that topic.  Cheery Cheery!  Ha Ha, if you are reading this and you know me personally, I surely know you can sense the sarcasm in my tone.  I have to keep things light sometimes and add in humor when I can.  I believe that is what gives life a good balance.

You might be wondering how and why this entry has a morbid sense to it.  Well, last night I watched this documentary called Terry Pratchett: Choosing to Die.  This documentary really made me think a lot.  I love exposing myself to things like this because it makes me learn more about where I stand on certain issues.  Terry Pratchett is a fantasy writer that has been diagnosed with Alzheimers disease.  This documentary takes us through a journey of different cases in which people are choosing to end their lives.  Terry Pratchett met with different individuals to discuss their decisions with them in order to (hopefully) be able to make a decision of his own.  Although Alzheimers is not painful for the body, it is painful for the mind and in Switzerland, assisted suicide is legal.  I won’t give everyone every detail of the documentary (because I think people should watch it) but it really did make me think about my take on assisted dying and who really does own your life.

For the longest time I always thought that suicide was just the cowards way out and people that did that were just selfish because they were never thinking about those that they are leaving behind.  What I started to realize was that with some people we are never truly able to understand someone’s internal pain.  A lot of people where masks (like I do a lot) and for some people they can no longer do it and they are unable to go on.  About 3 years ago I started dating this guy.  We lived in the same development.  We didn’t end up dating for long because his “true colors” started shining and I wanted nothing to do with it.  He would be very happy go lucky in one moment and then the next he would be all strange and quite.  I couldn’t quite figure it out.  I had found out that he had been to Rehab for a prescription drug addiction (I really do attract all of the wrong ones).  Well I won’t get into all of the details but the last time we saw each other we were heading to Best Buy to get me a new phone.  Half way up there I realized how weird he was being and he just seemed like he was in a haze.  It was obvious he was on something.  I turned the car around and went back home.  I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore and I was not going to put up with all of that.  When we pulled in he said, “I thought we were going to Best Buy?”  He hadn’t even realized I turned the car around and headed in a complete opposite direction of the store.  I was furious by this point.  I told him to get out of my car and to leave me alone and never come near me or where I live.  He got out of the car and slammed the door so hard I thought the windows were going to shatter.  His passenger side window had been opened.  He turned around and said, “If you come anywhere near me I will fucking kill you.”  I was terrified.  I ended up calling the police just to have it on record.  Well, after that day I never saw or heard from him again.  About 6 months later I was heading out and I needed to stop and get gas.  When I pulled up to the gas station I realized that I had been followed.  It was his mother.  She pulled in beside me and I immediately thought to myself, “Oh god I don’t want to talk to her.”  She got out of the car and was very friendly.  She told me she had a necklace of mine (he was wearing it-it was a D initial necklace) and she wanted to return it to me.  I told her it was no big deal and that I had bought another one.  It was kind of awkward and uncomfortable but I made chit chat.  I asked her if he was in the area anymore because I never saw him.  She looked at me and said, “He killed himself in June.  He hung himself in the condo.”  I nearly melted to the ground.  I was absolutely speechless.  She proceeded to tell me that he suffered severely with bipolar disorder.  He had been going to the mental health clinic and it seemed like he was on the up and up and everything just took a turn for the worst and one day she arrived home from work to find his hanging lifeless body.  I barely knew this woman but I reached out and pulled her in for a hug and told her how sorry I was.  This was when I knew that my opinions on suicide and assisted dying were different than I really thought.  I realized that I made snap judgments and had no idea what kind of emotional/mental pain that this person was going through.  I know I couldn’t have fixed him and that wouldn’t have been my goal but I also was unable to know what hell he must have been going through.  I truly believe his intentions for taking his own life were not meant to be selfish.  He just could no longer take the agony.  He had sought treatment and nothing seemed to work.  A lot of people think that physical pain is the absolute worst but I will tell you that emotional/mental pain can be absolutely horrific.  How would you like to feel so unbalanced your whole life-waking up one day happy and cheerful and the next you are deeply depressed and anxious and you cannot get any control over it?  He wanted to end his pain.  More than anything I wish people could get the help they needed and feel the relief they so desperately want but sometimes that never happens or is not an option.  We are constantly talking about freedom but in this world how free are we really?

Again, don’t get me wrong, I do not believe people should just commit suicide because they are going through a rough patch in their lives but I do believe people should have a choice.  In so many ways are choices are made for us.  The government controls many of our choices by making us live by certain rules and regulations.  I do believe we do need some of these rules and regulations in order to avoid mass chaos but our bodies are our own and we should be able to choose what we want to do with them.  The documentary I watched last night made me feel such a wide array of emotions.  In Switzerland assisted dying is legal.  Terry Pratchett watched a man (probably in his late 60’s) take his own life.  It was not anything grotesque.  He went to a house where there is a staff that assists a person to take their own life.  This man had been suffering for 2-3 years with a terminal illness (the name escapes me now).  He was barely able to walk and he was in an incredible amount of pain almost everyday.  His wife took care of him day in and day out and sometimes he was unable to control his own bodily functions.  This was only the start of what was to come.  His wife and him discussed it and both of them felt that they would rather see him die at a time when he was still able to be happy in life.  His wife knew she was going to be devastated because this had been her partner for over 40 years but she knew that it was selfish to ask him to live for her while he experienced this horrific pain and suffering and it was only going to get progressively worse.  It was absolutely chilling to watch because I saw the entire process happen and as saddening as it was to see, I felt that it was right.  No one forced him to do anything.  He chose this because this is the way he wanted to go.  The people that assisted were very kind and care-giving and asked him several times if he was 100% sure that this was the decision he wanted.  He said with great confidence that it was.  He sat on an over-sized couch with his wife by his side and the process included drinking a certain kind of poison.  Prior to this (only about 15 minutes before) he sat at a table with his wife laughing and telling her how much he enjoyed their life together.  As he sat on this over-sized couch, his wife sat beside him stroking his hand.  He took the cup out of the woman’s hand and drank it all in one gulp.  He grasped onto his wife’s hand and looked at her telling her how much he loves her and always will.  He shortly went into a deep sleep and not long after that his heart stopped beating.  It was a painless death for him.  I immediately started weeping.  I did not weep because I felt that it was the wrong decision, I weeped because I knew how his wife would miss him but I also knew that there was now a relief.  It was difficult to watch and going into this documentary I did not expect to see something so raw and real.  You never want to see someone you love so very dearly in extreme pain.    I have said (as hard as it is to say or even think about) that I would rather have one or both of my parents pass away than to live a life suffering or live a life where they could look at me and have no idea who I am.  That would absolutely break me.  I know both of them would rather have that too.

There was another man that was only 42 years old.  He had multiple sclerosis.  He had to force his body (practically fall) out of bed every morning.  He crawled from room to room and almost every moment of every day his muscles felt like they were being electrocuted.  This was only the beginning of the painful road he had ahead.  He knew what a burden he was going to be on those that he loved.  He knew how much medical care he would need and how much pain he would need to endure.  He knew not only would he have to experience the extreme physical pain but he would also go through an intense emotional pain as well.  He didn’t want a life like this.  All odds were against him.  His assisted death was not documented but it was stated that he was with loved ones.  Terry Pratchett (author and narrator of the documentary) had a drink in his honor and played one of his favorite CDs around the time they believed he was about to go.  It was very intense but very beautiful.

I know this subject is very controversial and I am sure everyone would be able to chime in with the opinions and beliefs and I am all ears to hear them.  I love it when people introduce me to a new perspective.  As difficult as it was to watch this documentary I am beyond glad that I did because it gave me a greater appreciation of life.  It made me believe that unfortunately we do not always own our own lives and it saddens me that some people have to experience such suffering.  I could not help but wonder what it would be like if it was me.  What if I had been diagnosed with Alzheimers or a terminal illness that is going to slowly make me deteriorate physically and mentally.  What could it be like to be fully aware of that?  I could only think how awful that must be.  I felt like this documentary was so tastefully done and the people involved were so kind and so loving.  They appreciated life in a way that most people do not.  They had a choice and they chose to die at a time where they could experience happiness and at least somewhat decent health.  If the choice were yours, how would you want to die?  Yes, morbid to think about but death is inevitable.  I know I would rather die surrounded by those that I love at a time when I was still of pretty much sound mind and body.  I would not want others to experience suffering because of my deterioration.  It does not seem fair.  I know some people may say it is not the natural way of things but I am not sure what truth there is in that.  My quest in life is for peace and happiness and I feel like if you leave this world in crippling pain being unable to barely function then you  have not achieved that and that is not fair.  Maybe I am wrong but it is what I feel.  I really believe wrong and right are almost always undefined.  What is right for one person is not necessarily right for another.

This entry is probably thus far one of the most intense, serious-toned writings I have put out there.  Even while writing it I teared up re-visiting the documentary in my mind.  A lot of people would ask me why I watch such morbid stuff or watch things that can be sad or read stuff with such an intense tone.  I do all of this because these things are reality.  These are the things that are going on in the world every single day.  These are the things that keep my mind fresh and open.  I am not saying everyone needs to do it, but for me it gives me a different perspective and I think that is the most important thing in life.  I lived in a bubble for a long time and I don’t want to do that anymore because there is so much more to learn.  I will not learn it all in my lifetime but I want to learn a lot—and some of what I learn I will not like and some will bring sadness and tears but again, that is life.  I can’t live in a world that is candy-coated and make believe.  I believe too many people do that.  There is an unimaginable amount of beauty in this world and even the things that make us cry is beautiful.  It is all in how you perceive things.  To my readers, it may be difficult to watch but it really is worth it so if you are moved enough definetly check out: http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/terry-pratchett-choosing-to-die/  I know I have given a lot of it away in this entry but it is still something you have to see for yourself.

I would really really like your input on the subject as well.  Feel free to leave me comments or ask more of my opinions.  Right here, right now I am asking for yours.  Thank you again for all of your support.  It is amazing!