Day 27 Question 27:
Do you want to have children?
As pretty much everyone knows, I am 33 years old. I am at a critical point in my life where everyone is focusing in on whether or not I am going to have children or not. Oh that good ole timeline everyone goes by. I guess I am just not like the norm. No, I am not trying to be some big unique snowflake either and prove to everyone how rebellious and different that I am. To be completely honest I am unsure if I want children. When I sought therapy for awhile to discuss my stresses and just my worrisome ways my counselor asked me if I wanted children. I told her I was unsure. She asked me what my reservations were. I told her that we live in a very scary world nowadays. I would want nothing but the best for my children but sometimes those things are not always controllable. I sometimes have anxiety and nervousness and I do not want to potentially cause another person to have those things. My counselor said that I was basing my decision on fear. This is probably true but in the same I believe my fears are realistic. Having a relationship is one thing and even getting married is one thing (which I am also unsure of) but having a child is a whole other thing. This is a life you will be responsible for until the day you die. So many people say that the job is over when they turn 18 but if you are a good parent that is not the truth at all. My mother is my everything to this very day and she still takes care of me sometimes when she knows I need comfort in some way or another. I may not be a parent but I understand A LOT about what parenting involves. It truly is the hardest job there is out there because the job never ends.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love children. I love the wonder and curiosity in their faces. I love their eagerness to learn. I love their innocence. I have been a nanny for 2+ years now. I am a nanny for twin girls that are one. I love these two girls with all of my heart. In a minute I would take a bullet for them if I had to. I have nephews that I love so dearly and although I don’t get to see them a lot because of the distance between us, I love spending time with them. I love interacting with kids and with lack of sounding arrogant I think I am great with kids. Kids seem to be drawn to me. My boss at the restaurant I work at (yes I work 2 jobs and I am in Grad school-hence all of the fun topics of discussion) has two girls that are 6 and 7. Every time I walk into the restaurant and they are there they shout my name and come running into my arms. They are eager to ask me questions and tell me about their days. I absolutely love it. You would think that with these types of experiences and feelings that I would want children of my own but I am really unsure. I know how big of a responsibility children are and I would never ever blame them for anything but I know that they can cause a strain on relationships (husband/wife). I would only want children with someone that I know absolutely 100% without an ounce of doubt that I would spend the rest of my life with. I am picky when it comes to men these days and it is not because I am looking for someone that is really handsome or has lots of money. It is important that you share values and beliefs and even if you don’t it is important that you can accept the differences that you do have. I believe a lot of people enter marriage very blindly. They do not find out some important things in advance. There are things that people overlook that could have a huge affect on a relationship: religion, parenting techniques, discipline, mental health, views on subjects such as racism, homosexuality, genders, etc. A lot of people may say that I am overthinking it all (which with me that is quite possible) but as I have stated before, I do not take marriage lightly. Too many people get wrapped up in the wedding and forget about the marriage. When you marry someone you make vows and promises. I do not want to promise someone something and then when the going gets tough break that promise. It can be hard to accept certain things about people and if you learn about them after taking vows what do you do? These are the things that matter to be because I want to know that if I do get married one day that I am going to be accepted for all that I am and I can accept all that that other person is. I know we will not agree on anything but I want to believe we will both be able to accept and keep moving forward. For me, I believe because I am a hopeless romance with an insane amount of passion in me that I will just know if and when the time is right. I do not believe I have ever experienced true love but I believe if I do I will know it down to the core of my being and I believe true love comes with absolutely no doubts. If I ever feel that then I would embark of bringing children into the world. I would because I know I would have a partner to help me in the times that I needed it the most. We would always be a team.
Through my previous jobs (prior to being a nanny) I was exposed to so many family hardships. Not my own thank goodness. I have visited so many broken homes where I had no idea what kind of chances children stood. I have had a child look me in the eye and tell me in the eye (a 3 year old) and tell me he wanted me to take him home because he hated living where he did. It took everything in me not to break down into tears in that moment. I know these are extreme circumstances because these were children that have been “raised” by mainly teen parents and have known nothing but a life of poverty. Even at that though, you have no idea how your child is going to turn out. I won’t lie and say I am not terrified that I could potentially screw my child up. I am afraid that I will not be capable enough to do the job. My head is constantly turning a mile a minute and I would never want to force my child to believe certain ways just because I do but I also would not want my child acting out because he/she has no discipline. There is a fine line between freedom and taking the reins. I love my mother so very dearly and find her to be the most incredible woman on this planet but I would not want to make some of the same mistakes she did. She was a very overprotective mom that didn’t let us do a whole lot just so we wouldn’t get hurt. I understand completely why she did this. It is a natural instinct of a mother. But in the same sometimes you have to let your kids fall in order for them to get stronger and continually pick themselves up. When you have a child you are responsible for another human life outside of your own and your actions are going to pave the way of who they will become.
I say all this and I know it does sound like I am speaking completely out of fear…I am. Parenting is a huge responsibility and I just want to do everything right. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I continually improve all of the time. I am at a point in my life where I am experiences greater happiness than I have in longer than I can even remember. It has taken me a long time to get here though. If I have a child, I would want to show them the world as much as I can-even if it is through books. I would teach them about compassion and being there for others. I would expose them to volunteering and teach them about all kinds of religions and spirituality. I would expose them to everything I could and let them know that the choice is theirs and I will love them unconditionally every day of my life. I know I would be an amazing mother. I have just experienced pain in my life that I would not want my child to experience because that would break me. Bullying is a problem that is growing so rapidly and I don’t know what I would do if my child was a victim of it. That is life though right. Those are the challenges to be faced. Life can sometimes be scary and I guess I do just have to accept that and not let these fears control me. I kind of went all over the map with my thoughts here. I am undecided. Like marriage, I believe it will be something I just know. I think it will just hit me hard and I will know whether it is what I want or not. Until then I am just enjoying everything life has to throw at me. :0)
It's a New Day... 
Very good read I had. My thoughts for you are, if you are unsure, then don’t. Until you absolutely know you want to have children, is the time you’ll be ready. Be happy that you have the interactions you do as a Nanny. That is a huge responsibility in itself. And with marriage, I’ve been with my husband for 19 years. Things change, and I am constantly learning new things, like how he handles certain situations, our disagreements on child rearing, how the future looks. Don’t ever be pressured by time. When the time is right you’ll know. You might not want to have children, yet are blessed being a Nanny for children you truly love. Hope this helped a little!
Thank you for being brave enough to share your inner thoughts on this with others. Rest assured that you are not alone in your camp of uncertainty. I would echo the above – don’t do it until you are certain. And if you never are you will find ways to share your love for children of others and share it with their parents by doing so.
This reply was so nice to read because I have been used to people telling me I will change my mind. I am unsure if I will. I do have a deep love for children and if I do end up having them I will love them with everything in me. I just want to make sure I am as well prepared as I possibly can be. :0)
I have a child. An absolutely gorgeous 4yo daughter named Nevaeh. She was an unexpected college graduation present I received not two months after clasping onto my diploma. I will say this, nothing in life has made me want to succeed like she does, quite effortlessly.
Thanks for the follow and I adore this blog of yours.
Cheers!
–Damien
I love that you are asking yourself the hard questions…on a daily basis! Being aware and responsible in this world is about the highest goal I think a person can have. And on that note, having children is a big decision. What do you want to be responsible for and how? There is no “right” or “wrong” decision, only the working out of an answer to that question. I have four kids. I am a widow, and my current partner has never had kids nor have most of the people in his extended family. There are lots of good reasons on both sides. And I agree that fear isn’t a very good reason to do anything. Compassion is a great reason to do anything, IMO, but you can exercise that without breeding. Keep asking yourself what you want and why and be grateful that you can!
I have only ever cried 3 times through reading, the scene where Edward is executed in the Green Mile, Reading the page in a thousand splendid suns, where the Taliban lay down their rules, and this. It is heart breakingly beautiful and I think you will be an amazing mother. Thank-you for making me cry! In a most cathartic snd shocking fashion. Motherhood is somerthing I decided against a long time ago, but I hold such admiration for mothers and fathers. Who-ever gets to be the father of your ickle human, will be a lucky man, In spite of my decision to not give birth, every turn your mind has taken, reflects my own thoughts. Thank-you for leading me here with your visit tut my page. Epic post. Dawny 😉
Dawny-Thank you for your amazingly kind words. I have been blessed to be exposed to so many different perspectives since writing this blog and I feel like I am making amazing friends even if it is in a virtual world. Please stay in touch with me. :0) ~Diane
I have been a step-parent since I was 18 years old. My son was 7 when I became his parent and I am so glad that he’s in my life. No matter what stress and anxiety he has put my partner and me though, there is no way I would want a life without him in it. He is 21 years old now, married and has 4 delightful young kids. Like him, they bring so much joy into my life and I can see the joy they bring into his and his wife’s life.
To me, the decision about whether or not to have children is one that is a luxury I’ve never had. I simply can’t have children and that has been the greatest sadness in my life. I’m past that now that my boy is grown up and my friends / family have all stopped having lots of babies. But I would have given my right arm to be able to have my own children.
I think it’s interesting that people believe the world is a scary or bad place. It’s no worse than it’s ever been. We just have media now that focus on the negative, beaming bad stuff into our lounge rooms in 24/7 news broadcasts that never tell us the beautiful things that go on. People are what make the world and people are, by and large, good hearted. In my experience 99.9% of people just get on with their lives and have good intentions towards others. We still have nature and animals and flowers and trees. We still have beautiful oceans and sky-high mountains. Yes, there’s a lot of stress that we cause ourselves (wanting more money or wanting more success) but we have a choice about whether or not we buy into that (and hence, whether we encourage our kids to buy into that).
So don’t be scared of the world – it’s actually a really beautiful place. 🙂 But if you don’t think you want kids then that’s cool 🙂 . My partner never wanted kids either – then she discovered she was pregnant at 24 years old. She always tells me that having her son 21 years ago was the best thing ever to happen to her. Because children do bring tonnes of joy 🙂
Thank you Andrew. Deep down I know you are right and these are the things that I need to hear. I may have stressful moments and worry far too much sometimes but the world is truly a beautiful place and I believe I could show that beauty to a child if I do decide to take that plunge one day. Your words have been so well received and I hope to interact more and more. :0)
Answering one’s own questions. Good move! The wise seeker asks – and finds!
I read your post, and I think this: There is absolutely no way you can ever be 100% sure a relationship will last forever. There is absolutely no way you can make no mistakes as a parent. And there is absolutely no way your spouse and your children will be perfect, so you have that in common with them, and you can learn from each other!
Don’t wait so long for perfection that you get it – because no wins, no losses is a perfect record.
I enjoyed reading your post. If you don’t ever want to have children that is ok, although you would make one wonderful mommy. When you find the right man you will know and then maybe together you will figure it all out if you do want children.
I wish you all the best in your decisions. 🙂
Giving birth I find is like asking someone to catch a live grenade
You’d be very hard pushed to find people who are genuinely ready regardless of what they say.
The trick I suppose is not to worry too much about it exploding in your hands and simply bracing it, that is if you are willing to catch it.
Because in the mist of the explosion, when everything that was about you has been washed away potentially, you will see a small sprouts of life growing out of the rubble in your hands and some beauty out of the chaos and that is all you can ever wish for as a parent.
And I’m fairly sure none of us have had the perfect upbringing, infact the majority of my closest most rational, talented, brightest friends, have all had some aspect of parental neglect.
Alot of people don’t realise that what shapes people is the good and the bad. Completely providing everything for your child will end up being detrimental towards its progression.
The only thing you want to guarantee as a constant is that they are loved.
A child will say anything and everything to an adult but the proof of the pudding of your parenting prospect is how you relate to them as an adult, when they are fully grown. Do they accept your choices based on their adult understanding of your choices and are they going to repeat or adapt your legacy.
It’s amazing what you will find a child can forgive if they are loved, and if you can get them to forgive you for mistakes you made for them, then i feel you have passed as a parent.
I would say be happy with your choice but never be afraid to make the wrong decisions for your child, it’s a far more guilty crime to bring them into this world unloved, and by your post, I don’t think that’s even a possibility. You will however miss the opportunity to be paraded around by your child as the greatest person ever and that’s an honour no one should live without hearing. But as you say, you can do that through the lives of those children you interact with, so all is not lost.
Take care
Your response made me tear up :0) I cannot thank you enough for these beautiful words. I LOVE LOVE LOVE getting new perspectives in order to continually figure myself out. Thank you so much :0)
I love what you say both about passing as a parent if your adult child loves you (yay! I passed!) and the honour of being paraded around by your child as the greatest person ever (I gotta agree – that’s the best feeling ever!).