Day 27 Question 27:
Do you want to have children?
As pretty much everyone knows, I am 33 years old. I am at a critical point in my life where everyone is focusing in on whether or not I am going to have children or not. Oh that good ole timeline everyone goes by. I guess I am just not like the norm. No, I am not trying to be some big unique snowflake either and prove to everyone how rebellious and different that I am. To be completely honest I am unsure if I want children. When I sought therapy for awhile to discuss my stresses and just my worrisome ways my counselor asked me if I wanted children. I told her I was unsure. She asked me what my reservations were. I told her that we live in a very scary world nowadays. I would want nothing but the best for my children but sometimes those things are not always controllable. I sometimes have anxiety and nervousness and I do not want to potentially cause another person to have those things. My counselor said that I was basing my decision on fear. This is probably true but in the same I believe my fears are realistic. Having a relationship is one thing and even getting married is one thing (which I am also unsure of) but having a child is a whole other thing. This is a life you will be responsible for until the day you die. So many people say that the job is over when they turn 18 but if you are a good parent that is not the truth at all. My mother is my everything to this very day and she still takes care of me sometimes when she knows I need comfort in some way or another. I may not be a parent but I understand A LOT about what parenting involves. It truly is the hardest job there is out there because the job never ends.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love children. I love the wonder and curiosity in their faces. I love their eagerness to learn. I love their innocence. I have been a nanny for 2+ years now. I am a nanny for twin girls that are one. I love these two girls with all of my heart. In a minute I would take a bullet for them if I had to. I have nephews that I love so dearly and although I don’t get to see them a lot because of the distance between us, I love spending time with them. I love interacting with kids and with lack of sounding arrogant I think I am great with kids. Kids seem to be drawn to me. My boss at the restaurant I work at (yes I work 2 jobs and I am in Grad school-hence all of the fun topics of discussion) has two girls that are 6 and 7. Every time I walk into the restaurant and they are there they shout my name and come running into my arms. They are eager to ask me questions and tell me about their days. I absolutely love it. You would think that with these types of experiences and feelings that I would want children of my own but I am really unsure. I know how big of a responsibility children are and I would never ever blame them for anything but I know that they can cause a strain on relationships (husband/wife). I would only want children with someone that I know absolutely 100% without an ounce of doubt that I would spend the rest of my life with. I am picky when it comes to men these days and it is not because I am looking for someone that is really handsome or has lots of money. It is important that you share values and beliefs and even if you don’t it is important that you can accept the differences that you do have. I believe a lot of people enter marriage very blindly. They do not find out some important things in advance. There are things that people overlook that could have a huge affect on a relationship: religion, parenting techniques, discipline, mental health, views on subjects such as racism, homosexuality, genders, etc. A lot of people may say that I am overthinking it all (which with me that is quite possible) but as I have stated before, I do not take marriage lightly. Too many people get wrapped up in the wedding and forget about the marriage. When you marry someone you make vows and promises. I do not want to promise someone something and then when the going gets tough break that promise. It can be hard to accept certain things about people and if you learn about them after taking vows what do you do? These are the things that matter to be because I want to know that if I do get married one day that I am going to be accepted for all that I am and I can accept all that that other person is. I know we will not agree on anything but I want to believe we will both be able to accept and keep moving forward. For me, I believe because I am a hopeless romance with an insane amount of passion in me that I will just know if and when the time is right. I do not believe I have ever experienced true love but I believe if I do I will know it down to the core of my being and I believe true love comes with absolutely no doubts. If I ever feel that then I would embark of bringing children into the world. I would because I know I would have a partner to help me in the times that I needed it the most. We would always be a team.
Through my previous jobs (prior to being a nanny) I was exposed to so many family hardships. Not my own thank goodness. I have visited so many broken homes where I had no idea what kind of chances children stood. I have had a child look me in the eye and tell me in the eye (a 3 year old) and tell me he wanted me to take him home because he hated living where he did. It took everything in me not to break down into tears in that moment. I know these are extreme circumstances because these were children that have been “raised” by mainly teen parents and have known nothing but a life of poverty. Even at that though, you have no idea how your child is going to turn out. I won’t lie and say I am not terrified that I could potentially screw my child up. I am afraid that I will not be capable enough to do the job. My head is constantly turning a mile a minute and I would never want to force my child to believe certain ways just because I do but I also would not want my child acting out because he/she has no discipline. There is a fine line between freedom and taking the reins. I love my mother so very dearly and find her to be the most incredible woman on this planet but I would not want to make some of the same mistakes she did. She was a very overprotective mom that didn’t let us do a whole lot just so we wouldn’t get hurt. I understand completely why she did this. It is a natural instinct of a mother. But in the same sometimes you have to let your kids fall in order for them to get stronger and continually pick themselves up. When you have a child you are responsible for another human life outside of your own and your actions are going to pave the way of who they will become.
I say all this and I know it does sound like I am speaking completely out of fear…I am. Parenting is a huge responsibility and I just want to do everything right. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I continually improve all of the time. I am at a point in my life where I am experiences greater happiness than I have in longer than I can even remember. It has taken me a long time to get here though. If I have a child, I would want to show them the world as much as I can-even if it is through books. I would teach them about compassion and being there for others. I would expose them to volunteering and teach them about all kinds of religions and spirituality. I would expose them to everything I could and let them know that the choice is theirs and I will love them unconditionally every day of my life. I know I would be an amazing mother. I have just experienced pain in my life that I would not want my child to experience because that would break me. Bullying is a problem that is growing so rapidly and I don’t know what I would do if my child was a victim of it. That is life though right. Those are the challenges to be faced. Life can sometimes be scary and I guess I do just have to accept that and not let these fears control me. I kind of went all over the map with my thoughts here. I am undecided. Like marriage, I believe it will be something I just know. I think it will just hit me hard and I will know whether it is what I want or not. Until then I am just enjoying everything life has to throw at me. :0)