I pick up these habits in life that are really quite maddening. I tell myself over and over again that I do not really want to fall in love or need to for that matter when in truth it is all that I want. In my 35 years love has become this undefinable thing that has torn me apart because it owns me and it kills me all at the same time. Love is this “thing” that I long for that also brings me great anger. Now, if that is not contradictory I don’t know what is. I make the same mistakes over and over again and I start to question the evolution of love and the evolution of people in general. I try so hard sometimes and I see myself doing it and I just can’t stop it. I ache on the inside wanting to be seen and I push in a way that infuriates me…..I become someone I don’t at all want to be. Why do we do this to ourselves periodically throughout life? Why do we fall into the same traps? Why do we force ourselves to have to re-learn the same lessons over and over again?
I am the person that loves so hard that it hurts. I do not love only in romance but I love hard in all of my relationships. I may be selfish but I love so hard because I want to be loved in return. Of course it is more than that though. I love hard because I see the hidden parts of people. I find the beauty in them that many people might overlook. I love hard because feeling love is way easier than feeling hate or feeling pain. But sometimes no matter how hard you love, some people will never love you that same amount. I am a hopeless romantic in life. I live in the world of fairytales because I don’t want to think about relationships being painful. People tell me everyday that my thought is unrealistic and that relationships are hard and are a bunch of work but in my heart I am unable to accept this as a truth. Love is about learning and compromising yes but I have a full-time job and I don’t believe that my relationships should be another one. Relationships are not jobs they are these little lucks that fall into our lap when we need them most. The problem is that I live this life of fairytale and romance and I sometimes cross paths with those that don’t see through the same vision that I do but I still hold on. I hold onto those that would abandon their grip on me without a second thought. I hold onto those that have nothing but a weak grip on my hand. I stay for those that would not stay for me. I stay for those that don’t see me the way I want….NO….NEED to be seen. Someone recently told me that two people in a couple will (maybe the word was can) never be best friends. Even after time with this person and the many conversations we have had, that is the one thing I could never agree with….even if I never shared that vocally. This statement has lingered with me since the words were uttered. Love will never mean anything to me if the friendship is not there. Friendship is the truest form of love. Not generic friendship but friendship that makes you feel connected to another person naturally.
Maybe this is vain but I feel sorry for those that have not fallen in love with me. I feel sorry for those who only saw surface deep with me. I wish others could slide into my body because what I feel almost daily is intense….intense to the point of almost overwhelming. It is an intensity that has made me fall in love with myself but an intensity that also makes me question who and what I am. I question why certain things are as they are and why certain things aren’t. I wonder how others my very same age have experienced this entirely different life than I know and I sometimes wonder which life is better. It’s not something I should worry about but I do. It all goes along with that cliche statement of “We’re human. It happens.”
I sometimes wish I could slip into the minds of others to see if they are all as much of a cluster fuck as I am. Are their minds as beautifully chaotic as mine? I found the ability to quiet my mind one day past and life was so different then but I have allowed myself to get sucked back into the madness of life and of society that tells us to “GO GO GO.” I find these passions and I forget about me. I give so much to others and in mere moments I come crashing down because I feel this strange wreckless abandonment. I realize I have once again become lost. I have forgotten to address these things called feelings. I have stayed within the madness to avoid the pain or the terror that life might bring. I used to see this gigantic world outside of myself and I have now pushed myself into this little bubble that has confined me…that has blurred my vision. I have abandoned so much knowledge I once gained and the desire to step FAR outside of my comfort zone. I guess I return many times over to thinking of Christopher McCandless and the words “Happiness is only real when shared.” I hold onto this because it is that happiness that makes me understand love and it is the desire for me to share my everything with someone that makes me not want to give up on love. It is the longing to have someone waiting to hear my words at the end of the day and even if the words may seem nonsensical they do not care because the words are coming from me. It is that simplicity that is love but it is humankind that makes it so complex. I want to escape the complexity but I am unsure of how to. I feel as if the grip of society has poisoned me and although the simplicity of love is my biggest desire I fear that my exposure to the societal/media elements has done damage that most likely can never be undone. I guess that is why I always refer it back to being a fairytale.