Day 216 Question 216:

Who are you at your best?  Your worst?

The question Who Am I? floats through my head day in and day out.  I know I am not my job or my body.  Who I am goes so far deeper than that.  I believe I am what I feel.  I am the soul inside of me that is always feeling what is right…at least right for me.  I am the soul that looks for the natural state of being….my place of personal comfort.  So who am I at my best and at my worst?

It is easy to determine who I am at my worst.  I am the person that self-loathes.  The person that stops seeing the positive and believes the negative thoughts of self.  At my worst I am the self-hater and the non-believer.  I live in a state of panic and worry because I let me ego control me.  I believe that all walls are closing in on me and my sanity is dwindling.  At my worst I torture myself.

It has been a long time since I have been at my worst.  I am so aware of the power of the ego now that I fight it every time I feel it coming on.  Being able to do just that is me at my best.  I have been at my best for many months now because I have given up the anger and have destroyed all of the pain and resentment that had been bottled up inside of me.  I came to be at my best when I realized that those feelings served absolutely no purpose and they not only hurt me but hurt the people around me.  I verbally abused my mother for many years because of my bottled up hatred of self (myself at my worst).  I was angry at everything and it took very little to set me off.  The idea of screaming at my mother in that way again makes me cringe.  Myself at my best was the day that I apologized for ever treating her like that and for letting her know that she was not at fault for all of my problems (I had placed the blame on her a lot).  She has mentioned to me several times how different of a person I have become….so much more calm and kind.  It kind of saddens me to think of how I had been acting but the past is the past for a reason.  I cannot dwell on it, I can simply learn from it and choose to change for the better instead of the worst and that is exactly what I have been doing.  It took learning simple concepts and coming into my own understanding and perception of the world that made me change who I was.  It was the learning about the ego and what control it can have over us and the acceptance of self even at its worse that made me a better person both mentally and physically.  Life has been the most amazing over the past 12 months….because I now see through different eyes.  Myself at my best is the person that does not stop believing and pushes herself harder and harder.

I love how far I have come in life….I love this place in my journey.  I still have doubts sometimes and not every day is sunny but that no longer bothers me.  I love that if I would have answered this question a year ago the answer would be predominately negative and self-loathing but today, the answer focuses on me at my best.  Simple concepts and the seeking of knowledge have changed me and have made me enjoy the journey of life….there is no more truth that happiness is a journey not a destination.  Once I learned that and truly accepted those words everything changed and the best me destroyed the worst me.