Day 215 Question 215:

What do you think others think of you/about you?  Does it matter?  Are these really things you think of yourself?

Do you ever wonder about how other people perceive you?  Not necessarily that you care or that their perceptions hold any true value in your life….but just out of curiosity, how people see you and perceive you when you are in the same vicinity (even when you are not).  Do you wonder whether their perceptions or the true you or the altered you in their mind?  This all sounds weird I know but I do think about it a great deal.  Every day I know how I feel and what I am thinking and I believe I convey those things to others but I do wonder whether they are able to absorb it in the manner in which I want them to.

I am not made of stone so of course I care what others think about me…sometimes I care a little bit too much.  That is just a part of who I am though….it has been for as long as I can remember.  There are people though that just spark my interest and my curiosity leads me to wonder how I am perceived in their eyes.  These are people that I may have very minimal contact with….these are people (to be honest) that I may have just virtual relationships with.

Last night when I finished work (after work 16 hours between both jobs) I stopped into the gas station near my house to get something to fulfill my sweet craving.  The man that was working there was probably in his 80’s and I had the urge to reach over the counter and just hug him (I refrained).  He didn’t say much more than hello, my total and told me to have a nice night but he had this aura about him that made me see him as the adorable grandfather type…that really cute old man that just melts your heart.  I started to think about perception in that moment and realized I could be totally wrong about this man….what I was seeing and who he really is could be two very different people.  I then wondered how people perceived me, especially from first encounters.

I admit to sometimes assuming that people are thinking the worst about me and internally judging me.  I wondered whether my thinking this was how I was viewing myself…I sure hope not.  I just believe that sometimes my nerves get in the way and I just automatically assume the worse.  I think it is somewhat of a defense mechanism.  By doing this I keep expectations on the lower end then a lot of people will happily surprise me.  I realize it is not exactly the best coping mechanism though…..I really do want to believe that people are ultimately nice and see me in a positive light for the most part.  I guess my curiosity just goes into overdrive sometimes.  I get curious about how I am conveying my actions and whether people are understanding them the way that I want them to be.  I drive myself crazy sometimes by overanalyzing things like this….I wonder if people view me as annoying or just overly sensitive or whether I do or say things that just bother people????  I also wonder if people are able to feel my passion when I speak in my animated fashion….I wonder if people are able to pick up on my senses?  I do believe some are but I also believe that others are not.  I find it interesting because to me, it is in moments like these when you learn about people having a genuine connection.  There are people that I am around and it is as if I can feel how they are feeling…maybe it is because of the way they are conveying their thoughts and feelings.  It is a very beautiful thing.  On the other hand though, there are others that I feel no connection with.  I will always treat people nicely and with respect but the connection is nonexistent…we are unable to meet on the same page.

Today was just a rambling of words and thoughts.  My life is in a constant state of personal and societal examination….I have a love/hate relationship with this.  It allows my mind to be more open though and I do love that.