Day 84 Question 84:
What big changes are you hoping for your future? What things are you hoping to do?
I had an in-depth conversation with my mom yesterday. I was all flustered in the morning because of getting into it with my property manager but as the day went on I eased up and the day became peaceful. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to my mom. I had a lot on my mind but wasn’t sure what angle to approach her at with the stuff I was thinking about. Not in a bad or negative way but sometimes I feel like I don’t fit into my family. What I mean is that my dreams and the course my life has taken has been so drastically different from anyone in the family. I have been one to always push the envelope (tattoos, piercings, partying, experimenting with different things—but there are also a lot of positives to add to the list) and I just don’t know where I picked this up and where my desires have evolved from. I have been the person in my family that just runs toward learning more and more and more. I soak myself in books and learning about different cultures and all of the time I become more and more passionate about different issues. I have this urge to experience so many different things and as of lately I feel like I have not been fulfilling my full potential. Don’t get me wrong I am very happy with who I am and I am happy with my life and my choices but I am really starting to feel the urge to push myself farther than I ever have before. I know the capabilities that I have and I no longer want to put them on the back burner.
When I finally opened up to my mom I actually started to tear up. I told her how I feel so happy in my life right now because I have let go off so much of my self-loathing and negative thinking. I told her that I am finally in that place where I feel peace and I feel a sense of confidence that I had never experienced on the outside before. I knew it had always been lingering on the inside but until now I had no idea how to pull it out. I told her that I am feeling the desire to step outside of my comfort zone and I know that I need to be doing work that will allow me to help others. I told her that I feel that I am meant to work in helping young girls and young women better their lives….that I would like to work with an organization that helps women all over the world. I want to be part of the process in helping women become educated, graduate high school, ready themselves for college (when they may have never thought college was a possibility), prepare them for the workforce. I told her I would love to stand in an auditorium and speak to young women about the importance of positive self-image and how the media does not need to influence them. I want to teach and counsel young girls in order to make them understand and feel the true beauty they hold within themselves. I want to help girls get to a place of self-loving and a place of personal peace long before the age of 33. I want to help young girls and women become strong, passionate women that achieve their goals. I want to help victims of poverty, rape, torture (in whatever manner) it may be and be part of the process of rehabilitation. I feel it in my bones that this is what I am meant to do. I am meant to spread the word about these important topics. I am meant to be a part of the process to help make the world a little bit of a better place. I need to help make some drastic changes. I want to be a part of something big…not for recognition but for the possibility of bringing humanity even the tiniest bit closer.
I have stood by and watched day by day the occurrence of school shootings, hate crimes, news about child molestation, kidnappings, sex trafficking. I do not want to just stand by anymore. I want to get my hands dirty. I told my mom tonight that I have been doing some research on some organizations around the country. I am working on writing a cover letter that will grab the attention of the organization director along with pictures of past events for youth that I have headed up (a portfolio per se’). The problem is, in complete honesty, is that I am scared. I am not scared of starting a new job or meeting new people or being in a new place (it is a little nerve wracking but not completely scary). What scares me is the chance of having another “nervous breakdown” and being away from my mother or my family. The mental breakdown/severe panic attack (that lasted for days) that I had years back was terrifying and I do not want that to happen to me all alone in a strange place. With this being said though, I know that I HAVE to face this fear if I am going to live the life I so desperately want. I know that the area I am currently residing in has nothing to offer me. I need to be somewhere that I will feel is my niche…where I am meant to be doing what I am meant to do. I am not married, I have no children and I do love my jobs (but neither of them are careers) but nothing is holding me here. I have no ties to where I am and a part of me feels like this would be the HUGE jump that I need to take in order to prove to myself what I am truly capable of. I HAVE to let go of fears if I want to make the difference that I keep talking about. My mom told me she was beyond proud of me. She loves the passion that I have inside of me. She doesn’t always understand me but she loves that I love to read and I write constantly. She told me she would miss me a lot if I left (I don’t live at home with them—I live about 10 minutes from them) and she would hate for me to go through any sort of “nervous breakdown” again but she believes that I can do it. She knows what I want and she knows I have so much to give and so much to share. This conversation was one of the most sincere I feel that we have ever had because I was honest about what I really wanted. She wants me to write and book and that is something that I very much want to but I do feel that I must make some of these changes that I am discussing to get the content of the book that I desire to write. I believe once my niche is found that the creativity with flow more naturally.
These are the big changes that I hope to see on the horizon. I work hard now but I am going to need to push and push and push to get this ball rolling. I am putting on my determination hat right now! I welcome all input and I welcome all suggestions…especially about great areas to live. Life is too short to not take chances and not take risks. I want to look at my life in 50 years and smile because I never settled for the average….I instead chose to always chase my dreams and never stop learning along the way.