It's a New Day…

Day 11 Question 11:

Who is the most important person/people in your life?  Why?

I am just one person in this silly, overcrowded world.  I am one person with a very big voice that is screaming while her lips are sewn shut.  I wish I could record my thoughts sometimes.  There will be times when I am driving and the most magical, real, raw thoughts pass through my mind.  These are the thoughts that make me feel alive.  Even if some of these thoughts tug at my heart strings.  I will be all alone in my state of bliss becomes it all seems clear in just one moment.  It’s strange (and probably potentially dangerous) that these thoughts seem to happen a lot when I am driving.

I just saw the movie Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  First and foremost this movie was absolutely phenomenal.  This is one of those movies that makes you really look at life through different lenses (if you have a soul that is).  I will not give anything in the movie away except I will say that the premise is a son that loses his father in 9/11.  There have been documentaries and news clips that have run over and over again reminding us of this horrible and tragic day.  None of these are ever easy to watch but it was this movie that really made me want to look into the lives of others.  It’s strange because I have always felt inside of me that there is something I am looking for but I don’t know what that thing is and what it is I am searching for will give me a really important answer.  Although life is about the journey, I love thinking about the journey to find something.  This movie touched me in a way that made me really want to stop taking things for granted.  This movie made me understand so much what a true hero is.  This movie made me want to lean over to my mom (her and I had a girls night) and say, “Please don’t ever die, I am scared to lose you.”   I can’t even write those words without the tears falling from my eyes.

I wasn’t sure what question to answer today.  I bounced back and forth between a few and decided that after seeing this movie and feeling what I felt that I had to express certain things.  Its cliché to say but my parents are truly my heroes.   I am absolutely petrified of losing them because I think I will completely lose myself.  My parents are older.  I am 33 and they are 72 and 73.  If you do the math you will probably assume correctly that I wasn’t exactly on the agenda.  My mother had my oldest sister Jill in 1969.  After this she had 2 miscarriages and found out she had endometriosis and her chances of conceiving another child were extremely thin so my parents adopted my middle sister.  Well four years later by great surprise here I came.  I like to think of myself as a miracle <wink wink>.  So now you know the background.  Having parents that are older is difficult sometimes.  There is a big generation gap and they never seem to understand my choices or even my politics (dad).  This never mattered though, they have loved me unconditionally every single day of my life and I know they will until their passing days.  There are a million things I love about my parents.  I, obviously won’t list them all because that would go on for days.  I will share some of the high points however.  The things that matter the most.

I wish I could say all of these things to my parents.  I struggle saying these things though because sometimes I feel uncomfortable with my emotions.  I am not always sure how to handle them.  I start feeling uncomfortable and awkward and it all starts to feel unnatural and forced.  This is a hurdle I am working to get over.  Maybe one day I will but for now I will write them down.  Maybe one day they will read it.  I hope they do.  I hope even after they read it that they knew all along how I felt even if I didn’t show it, even if I pushed them to the limits and screamed and hollered at them.

My father is the most incredible man in my life for so many reasons.  My father is a spectator and an absolute genius.  A lot of people have pegged my father as being really shy or stuck up because he is not a big talker.  I have never seen my dad in either of those lights.  I always viewed my dad as an observer.  No, there were times that he may not have said much but I knew he was taking in the situation.  I knew my dad was learning from others and reading their body language and truly listening to what they had to say.  This, in my opinion, is an amazingly admirable quality.  Listening is a skill that a lot of people have lost and my father has perfected it.  My dad did not always express himself vocally (and we share this similarity in certain ways) but there were things that we knew that were always unspoken.  He may not be one to say I love you with ease or say he was proud of us but he never had to because I already knew it.  My father has always felt way more than he had lead on and I have always felt like one of the biggest accomplishments in his life (even if I may have said differently).  My dad truly made me feel like I could do anything and I don’t know if he has ever known that.   Although the topics and the issues may be different, I have the same passion in me that my dad has in him.  When we believe in something we believe in it with all that we have.   There have been times that I knew my dad hated his job or hated where he was living but I truly hope that he has experienced a great deal of happiness in his life.  I hope he has known and continues to know until his last breath what a truly wonderful soul he is.  He will always be my hero.

Ok, it was very difficult for me to write that last paragraph.  The tears streamed down my face the entire time but I am really in for it now.  My mother.  Oh what I could say about my mother.  My mother has saved me.  She has rescued me time and time again.  My mother is the platform of my existence.  I hate to say this but no other mother can possibly compare to mine (ok I know that is totally just my opinion).  She is hands down the best person in the whole wide world.  I truly believe that the world would be a much better place if there were more people like her in it.  I have watched my mother (without her realizing it) and have never seen someone give out as much unconditional love as she can.  I honestly do not know how she does it.  My mother has told me stories of her life and some of them involved some serious hardships and emotional pain.  If you met my mother you would never know it though.  My mother loves everyone that comes into her life.  I get my compassionate and empathetic nature from my mother.  My mother wants to hear everyone’s story and by the end of the story she has her arms wrapped so tight around you.  When you are with my mother, no matter what the circumstance, you always know everything is going to be ok.  My mother has and always will push her own issues aside to help you with yours.  I have had anxiety issues for over 15 years now and I have been on and off medicine throughout that time.  When I was a junior in college I left school for 2 weeks because I had a “nervous breakdown”.  I literally felt like I was losing my mind.  It was as if my mind and body were completely disconnected and I hit a wall.  I stayed in this state for about a week and a half before getting medicated and getting the rest that I needed.  My mother was there for me for every single second of it.  If I woke up in the middle of the night having an anxious fit she was there to talk to me or brush my hair back and wipe the tears from my eyes.  She looked at me at one point and said, “I wish I could take your pain away and give it to myself.”  My mom was the true definition of what a mother should be.  She would walk through fire to protect us.  She loved so much that it was painful.  She has been and continues to be a blessing in the lives of so many people.  I fear losing her.  I have moments when I am by myself when I feel my heart sink thinking about the day that she will no longer be there.  That day is unimaginable.  I do not want to make it about me but I am afraid that I will shut down again and I will have such intense anxiety and I don’t know if it will stop because she will not be there to talk me through it.  I am afraid I may no longer be able to speak because I don’t know if anything else will be worth saying because I can no longer share my thoughts with my mother.  I cannot imagine this incredible person that gave me life no longer being a part of mine.  Just the thought itself destroys me.  I want her to live forever.  I want her to know how much she has meant to me and how sorry I am for the times I have screamed and yelled and blamed her for things that deep down I knew were not her fault-they were my fears and insecurities.  I want to thank her for being this amazing role model and lover of life.  I want to hold her tight and tell her how she has inspired me in ways she had no idea about.   My mom has believed in me when I never believed in myself and because of my mother I am way stronger of a person that I ever realized.  My mother has this beauty about her that is so rare to find.  It is almost as if negativity does not exist in my mother.  No matter what the situation is, she will smile through it-even (like I always am) if she is dying on the inside.  I admire my mother because her life has never been all about her.  Her life has always been about making others happy and sharing with others and giving whatever she can to help others through their hard times.  I really cannot ever recall my mother ever asking for help or expecting anything from others.  Hands down my mother is the most selfless person I have ever encountered.  I believe there is a strong chance I would even say this if she wasn’t my mother-if she was a random person that happened to be part of my life in some way or another.  I know deep down that my mother has had struggles in her life and she has not always loved herself but it never showed on the outside.  She has always pulled herself up from her bed and put one foot in front of the other every single day.  She refused to be defeated even if some days felt like absolute torture.  I get my fight, determination and belief from my mother.  I hope my mother knows all of these things.  I hope she has many more years and so many more people are able to meet and experience this wonderful woman because as cheesy as it may sound, she really is a gift.  I love her with everything in me and when the day comes where she is no longer here I know I am going to feel broken and absolutely destroyed but I know I have her fight in me and I know she would not want me to live in a bubble.  She would not want me to stop living this life of creativity and wonder that she knows how much I love.  She is my everything and I hope she is able to read this at least once if not 1,000 times so she will always know how much I love her and how much she truly has meant to me.

For those of you that are reading this entry, I cannot express the difficulty in writing this.  I was overwhelmed with emotions, and I would not consider that a bad thing at all.  If anything, it felt extremely healthy and natural.  I write for reasons such as this.  I write because these are the thoughts and the emotions that I have and when I put them out into words on a screen I am able to see myself and see what a beautiful life I am living.  So, please if you are reading this, I have no idea what your life is like (well some I might but generally speaking) and I have no idea who plays significant roles in your lives but I ask of you to take a moment –if you can’t necessarily express how you feel to these people then take the time to reflect and do something that lets them know what they mean to you.  Life is far too short and busy and crowded to take important things like this for granted.  Life is about love.  Don’t let that slip away because you are too busy.  Telling someone I love you or thanking them for being a part of your life only takes seconds.  We all have five seconds available.  Thank you so much for reading everything that you have.  I truly cannot express how it makes me feel.  Wonderful does not even give the feeling justice.  I send all of you my love!

Day 10 Question 10:

What do you think about a lot?  What overwhelms your thoughts?

I know this entry is going to overwhelm me because I am going to be completely honest about a subject that I could and would not talk about for years.  The main thing that overwhelms my thoughts every single day is my weight and my body.  I have struggled with my weight and it has fluctuated up and down for the last 10-12 years.  Even in my younger years I was “chunky” (Ugh I hate that description).  There is not one day that passes that I do not think about the way I look and usually detest the way I feel and think about my body.  In the last 2 years I have lost about 60-65 lbs.  I workout pretty regularly and stay active but I just cannot change the thought process.  I have seen a counselor and my friends and family have told me that “our weight and our bodies are not who we are” but is that really true?  We live in this society that focuses on being thin and glamorous and that is what men want women to be.  I know I am not repulsive but I just unable to feel sexy and confident in this department no matter how hard I try.  I have changed my thought processes in so many different ways  and I believe I live a healthy, fulfilling life but I just can’t get a grip on changing the way I think about my body and my weight.

I am not sure where my obsession with this came from.  I can be sitting in a room with family members or my closest friends having a light, fun conversation and my mind can steer from the topic at hand to thinking “Ugh I wonder how fat I look right now” or “I wonder if these people think I am repulsive because of this part of my body or that part of my body”.  I absolutely HATE it.  In my own head I am squirming by feeling this sort of discomfort.  It just seems so unfair.  And trust me I know life is not always fair.  I just don’t understand it.  The last guy I dated said some of the most wonderful things to me.  He always told me I was beautiful.  We had our ups and downs but he would tell me my eyes were captivating and he loved spending time with me.  There are many memories I have with him that I will hold onto because they felt amazing.  But there is something else I also hold onto…and yes this is going to get personal.  In the bedroom we did have some issues.  Sometimes it was kind of awkward and he was not always able to perform.  He would say that we lacked chemistry and that was the issue.  Trust me that was not the issue.  We had unbelievable chemistry.  We laughed together and even when we weren’t speaking you could feel the chemistry floating in the air.  What ended us was the baggage he needed to take care of in his life (well I think that is what ended us-I am skeptical of what is really true or not anymore when it comes to dating).  He had an ex that he was in the process of divorcing and he has a very significant blood disorder.  He was getting his life back on track.  For the most part my life was on track so our worlds were not meshing.  His needs and my needs were not in sync.  Anyhow, I have veered away from the point.  Him continually saying that we did not have chemistry (which felt like a stab to the heart that dug deeper and deeper everytime I heard it) just made me think more and more that I was not attractive or appealing.  Some people really have no idea how badly words can hurt.  I felt (and I still wonder) that it was my imperfect body that was just a turn off to him.  I wonder if he took the easy way out by saying he needed to get his life together when in truth he was just repulsed by my body.  These are the things I think.  Yes, trust me, I know how unhealthy this way of thinking is.  But I told you that honesty was what you would ge no matter what.  I write what a lot of people are thinking but are too scared to admit.

People can be really cruel.  Again, I realize I have lost a lot of weight and I am in a much better place than where I was.  There are women out there that are significantly heavier than I am and they walk around with complete confidence.  I envy these women but in the same I think it has to be impossible to be that confident.  I cannot grasp how they do it.  I refer back to high school a lot in my entires, which would seem like I am holding onto a lot from my past (which on some issues I am sure I am-again I am being honest).  There is significance to certain things and that is why I mention them.  When I was in high school I was overweight.  I was not “huge” but I definetly had weight on me.  The last place anyone wants to be overweight is in high school.  Kids back then were cruel but nothing in comparison to how they are nowadays.  It was hard then but I thank my lucky stars I am not in school now.  I remember walking down the hall and a boy in my class said (with other kids swarming the halls), “watch out we need to widen the hall for Diane to come through”.  Now mind you, I was not severly obese, I just was not thin.  I carried weight in my lower body.  I am 5’8 for fucks sake!  Sorry I just felt some internal anger bubble to the surface.  I have had comments like these made to me at various times in my life and every time it has happened I have felt a little more broken.  I have felt like who I was never mattered because it was only about what I looked like.  I was devastated.  I have always known how much I have to offer people in my life but it started to lose significance because I felt like so many people could never get beyond the outer appearance.

I have always known my mother has wanted the best for me.  I have mentioned her in many different blog entries.  I will reiterate that this is the most incredible woman in the whole wide world-yes I am biased but I still stand behind my words.  I can say this now with full confidence because I have grown up and learned so much and I now understand who my mother is and what her intentions were (I am sure I will have a whole blog dedicated to her in the future).  She never ever had ill intent.  My mother commented on my weight at different times while I was growing up.  Sometimes the comments came in the form of snide remarks.  Let me also tell you that we did not grow up in a household where eating a nutritious diet and exercise were implemented regularly.  It just wasn’t commonplace in our household.  My parents were raised that way so they really never thought about raising us kids to learn about and practice being healthy.  Neither of my parents are thin people.  What my mom didn’t know is that she never needed to say these things to me because I was already saying them to myself.  I obsessed about my weight/body day in and day out and I truly believe this has been a huge source of my anxiety.  It has affected so many aspects of my life.  What a lot of people don’t understand is that when you feel this way it is as if everything else going in a downward spiral.  Your thinking process revolves around this.  You start by hating your body then start thinking no one is going to want to date you and if they do they must have a hidden agenda because no one would ever want to date someone like me.  You realize (well this takes time) that the media has brainwashed you to believe that being thin is the only thing that is important and will lead to success.  To this very day television is swarmed with reality shows.  With the exception of The Biggest Loser or maybe one or 2 other shows, how often do you ever see an “overweight” character?  Actually, how often do you ever see an overweight character on any television show or in the movies.  I realize you do see them but a lot of the time when they are on something, there weight is the topic of discussion.  These are the people that are getting bullied or have to defend their weight and act as if they are beautiful on the inside and that is what matters.  They don’t ever act like just regular day to day human beings.  There was a show on one of the networks called “Dance Your Ass Off”.  I never watched it (dancing shows have never been my thing) but I saw a preview for it and all of these people (contestants that were going to be on the show) were saying all of the things that they could do if they lost the weight.  One girl said, “I might just get a boyfriend.”  I couldn’t believe a network would air that.  So, television is basically emphasizing that a girl cannot have a boyfriend if she is “curvy” or “thick” or “plus-size”?  If that is the truth then I think we should be quite disappointed in ourselves as a society.  I also remember an episode of American Idol.  There was a woman named Frenchy (she was plus-size) that went through the finals and she was on stage singing.  Simon Cowell said, “I think we need a bigger stage”.  This episode viewed to millions of people.  I remember thinking at that very moment that if that was me I may do something drastic and take my own life.  That is how badly someone’s words can hurt.  People wonder why they are such severe eating and mental disorders in this country.  It is due to the ignorance of people that hold certain positions of power.  It is disgusting.  It is crazy that I have a hard time remembering certain good things from my past but episodes such as these sit in my mind with complete clarity.

This entry is extremely hard for me to write.  I feel like it is really hard for me to express what I am really feeling.  I am in a good place in my life and I have more determination than people could even imagine.  There is nothing that is going to destroy me.  I just felt like I had to talk about this…even knowing that everyone would have the opportunity to read it.  For so long I was ashamed of my thoughts and I now HAVE to step outside of my comfort zone if I want to keep moving ahead.  I will be completely honest once again…and I might catch some shit here for saying something I should know better than to say.  I am 33 years old and still single.  I know a man does not define me and I know that if a man truly loves me that he will love me for who I am and not what I look like.  I atch so many people around me, my same age or younger, that have been in many relationships or are married.  They have these companions in their lives and that is something I really want.  I want a male companion to share so many experiences in my life with and grow with.  I cannot help but drive myself crazy in thinking that this has not yet happened to me because men aren’t attracted to me because of my body.  Yes I know this is crazy-I am far from repulsive- but it goes through my head.  I hear so many men talk about women that have “slammin” bodies and how attractive they are.  I hear men make snide comments about fat women.  It’s a really hard thing to swallow because I have lost a significant amount of weight but my body still has flaws and imperfections.  Unless I were to get plastic surgery I will always have that saddlebag on my right thigh and I will still have stretch marks.  With everything else I am pretty good about accepting and moving on.  With this though I certainly do struggle but I have not given up.  These thoughts are what have kept me secluded for a little while now.  I needed to get them together.  I am not sad or depressed.  These thoughts haven’t taken over my life.  They are just thoughts I need to get in control and I am working on the best possible way to do this.

I know so many women (I know some men do too) struggle with their weight.  I worked with middle and high school kids and I always stressed the importance of good health but not letting their thoughts regarding their bodies determine who they were.  This was a situation in which I did not always practice what I preached.  I do not feel badly about it though.  If I could help even one young girl in not going through the same self-torture that I went through then it was worth it to preach and preach and preach.  I wish I could see our society take a shift and focus less on appearance.  I don’t imagine this happening in my lifetime though.  To anyone reading this, young girls especially, please embrace who you are and love yourself starting right now.  Do not let others determine how you should look.  Strive to be healthy but decide what you think is healthy.  A thin model does not determine what is healthy for YOU!!!  A workout on the Biggest Loser might work for those people but you need to find your niche.  If I can take this journey, I would really like all of the people out there that are struggling with the same issues to join me.

All of my love :0)

Day 9 Question 9:

What do you love/what makes you genuinely happy?

There are so many things that I love. I love that feeling you get when something in your life whether is be a person, place or thing makes you feel so overwhelmed with happiness, something that makes you smile nonstop because you know it makes you part of who you are.  I guess I will format this question differently and give you a list of the things that bring absolute happiness to my life (in no specific order).

1)      Hearing a song and swearing that someone was singing about your life

2)      Amazing conversations with my mom-we may not always get along but she is the one person in the world that I believe truly sees me for who I am

3)      Red velvet cake

4)      Phone conversations with my older sister-you cannot imagine how much we laugh

5)      Watching babies grow-seeing them go from barely sitting up to walking in a matter of no time

6)      Little Baby Butts-I mean come on now-what is cuter than that???

7)      Watching a movie that impacts me in a pretty major way

8)      Curling up in the recliner in my room tucked under a blanket, candles lit, with a book in hand/or working on something creative

9)      Summer days spent at the beach

10)  Learning from people so completely different from yourself

11)  Looking at old pictures and re-living the past-it may not have always been great but as Adele says, “Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made”

12)  Laughing until everything hurts

13)  People watching-I can do this anywhere and absolutely love it.  I totally make up life stories about the people I watch

14)  Cool old people-Where I live is made up primarily of crotchey old people.  Over the summer I encountered a couple at the pool (72 and 73).  They shared stories with me and cracked jokes.  It was so awesome.  :0)

15)  Feeling random, unexpected moments of inspiration

This entry has been different from what I usually write.  I was unsure of a question to answer today.  I believe creativity shouldn’t be forced.  It is something that should be completely natural if it is going to be completely raw and real.  I do, however, know what makes me happy.  I spent a lot of time not being able to answer this question.  I changed my life around and it hit me like a brick.  I determine my own happiness.  Happiness comes from what I surround myself with.  I have moments when it feels like the world is caving in on me but I have grabbed onto this outlet.  And by this outlet I mean surrounding myself with positive energy in any way possible.  I take deep breaths in and out.  I read positive affirmations.  I remind myself that millions of people in the world have it way worse than I do.  These are the things I want to share with others.  There is always a way out of the darkness.  It may not always be an easy path or a quick fix but nothing good in life should come easy.  Let me pose this question, when you have worked extremely hard (to the point when you thought there was no way you could accomplish something) and you met your goal how good does that feel?  It may sound strange, but I would advise people to step outside of themselves and take a look at who they really are.  Figure out what you really love about yourself and focus on those things.  And in the same, determine what you don’t like about yourself and make the changes you feel and know are necessary.  I pose another question, what better feeling could you have than the one when you do something that everyone told you that you could not?  Sometimes my own drive towards positivity and splashing it all over makes me feel like I am one big sap but I would much rather be this way than any negative way.  I don’t want life to pass me by anymore.  I may not always be out doing something or climbing mountains or traveling overseas but I am certainly seeing the beauty in the world and learning every step of the way.  That is what truly makes me happy.  I do not wish everyone was like me because that would make for one big, monotonous, boring world.  But I do wish more people would embrace their own spirit and the beauty/magic that surrounds them everyday.  I wish more people would realize that material possessions will never make them happy.  I wish people would dig within themselves and find out who they really are and love this person as hard as possible.  I say all of this because for so long I lived in a box (obviously not literally).  I was living as a person I thought other people wanted me to be and I was not opening my mind to all of the wonders and the opportunities that surrounded me day in and day out.  These opportunities could be as small as helping an old lady unload her groceries at the store or listening to someone without saying a word because you know they just need to vent.  We all know what we need as people.  We just tend to forget and get caught up with our schedules and societal molds, which happens-that is life.

Do you ever encounter people in your life that it seems that everything just comes easy to them.  They seem so carefree and worry-free?  What I have realized (some may be putting on a front-I am just speaking generally) is that these people are truly living.  They do not allow other people’s opinions and thoughts control who they are as people.  They have a grip on themselves and love who they are because they realize this is the person they are supposed to be.  They are focused on the NOW and not letting their past mistakes control them or what may occur in the future worry them.  These are the people that see the true beauty in the world and have a sense of calm and inner-peace.  Maybe I sound like one of those (what people would call) crazy, tree-hugging hippies but when you think about it, am I really wrong?  When you experience unhappiness, what is the true source.  You may blame it on someone else but in truth it is not than that is making YOU unhappy because you have complete control of your feelings.  You choose to be unhappy or angry or depressed.  If you are reading this, I ask you to start now (if you haven’t already) and look at your life.  See how amazing you are and hold onto that.  Remind yourself of everything you love about yourself every single day.  No one else (not your parents, your husband, or your friends) is going to convince you of this.  The only person that can do this is YOU!

If you are reading this, I may know you or I may not, either way, I think you are AMAZING!!!

Day 8 Question 8:

Being completely honest, what makes you angry?

Well there are many things that can get under my skin…people that tailgate, women who talk on their cell phones in public bathrooms, rude people, you know the usual.  What truly makes me angry is how we as people are losing/have lost respect.  Don’t get me wrong, I am guilty of it sometimes too.  Let me give you the disclaimer, that in most of my blog entries I will never claim innocence.  I have not always practiced what I have preached.  These are just my thoughts and awareness in a moment.  Thoughts or feelings I have had.

About 2 years ago I worked for a local nonprofit.  I was the Education Manager and my main responsibility was to teach Teen Outreach Program classes.  I worked with students grades 6-12.  One of my classes was made up of all kids that were on probation.  They were required to take my class by the Department of Juvenile Justice.  The other class I had was made up of 7^th and 8^th grade students from another local nonprofit organization.  The other nonprofit organization was Christian-based.  All of these students were considered “at-risk”.  The term “at-risk” drives me crazy because when you think about it, all kinds in some way are at risk.  The students I work with came from families that had very little money.  They needed assistance in various ways.  These students attended church regularly.  If someone were to guess which class was more disrespectful, most everyone would assume that it was the Department of Juvenile Justice kids.  This could not have been farther from the truth (I mean we had a couple of come to Jesus meetings but for the most part they were well behaved).  My other class of 7^th and 8^th graders were the most disrespectful young students I have ever encountered.  So many people kept telling me that it was just their age and that is how all 7^th and 8^th graders are.  What kind of excuse is that?  Just to give you a little background (and this is significant), all of these students were black.  A lot of them had parents that are my age (at the time I was 31).  One day at the beginning of class I started discussing a certain topic, and one student under her breath (but very obviously with full intention for me to hear) said, “She’s just some rich, white girl from Waccamaw”.  I understood that there would be a little discomfort with racial barriers.  I didn’t realize how much racial barriers still existed until I moved down here.  I didn’t really take offense to the comment because I knew it was not a true statement.  What shocked me so much was that a 12 year old girl would say something like that and not see how rude and disrespectful it was.  I started out the year with these students and it was challenging.  It was very obvious that they did not like me and they let me know this by their actions every time I was there to teach.  I thought time would ease the tension but it did not at all.  I am going to be completely honest and say that this bunch of students (with the exception of 1 or 2) were an absolute disgrace.  Actually, their parents and teachers are more of a disgrace in allowing them to speak to an adult in the manner that they did.  I am by no means perfect but I have NEVER disrespected someone the way these students disrespected me and I certainly never spoke to an adult/authority figure when I was a youth in an extremely rude manner.  It just wasn’t ever an option.  These are “children of God”.  They are supposedly on the path to follow Jesus.  I can honestly say that this was another nail in the coffin to confirm that I am not Christian.  These are harsh words but it is exactly how I felt.  This was such an eye opening experience for me because I was seeing the youth of today and realizing that if things don’t change we are going to have even bigger problems than we have now.  I have never felt so defeated as I did working with those students.  I tried everything I possibly could to only be shot down and disrespected every single class.  It amazed me that young people could have such ill/almost spiteful feelings toward someone they knew nothing about.  I was there providing them something (and remember these students had pretty much nothing) and they were nothing but rude.  They all had their own sense of entitlement-the world owed them a favor.  Talk about disheartening.  And I know this goes on all over the country-hell all over the world.  In our quest to allow our children (I don’t have any children but I speak for other parents) to have independence and have their own identities, we are completely lacking to teach them the importance of respect.  As a society, we are getting so lazy and it shows in so many aspects.

I will turn the tables but still speak in regards to our societal laziness.  I am 33 years old (which I know I have mentioned at different times).  I am single, never married with no children.  To many I am “defective’ because of this.  Honestly, I am these things because I choose them right now.  I have been in the trenches with an incredible number of bad dates and children that are aching for discipline and structure that I am choosing not to take on any of those things until I know I am prepared.  I watch too many marriages fail and children slip through the cracks and I REFUSE to be one of those people that stands by and allows that to happen.  We all have choices.  I have had 2 significant relationships in my life and both were not good situations.  Yes, I am at fault for staying in them for as long as I did.  I was young for both and although they were not good situations I learned an insane amount from them.  I really do believe I have become a better person because of them.  I have gone on an endless number of dates in the past 10 years.  Another bold statement I am going to make (and I know I am going to catch some major shit for this) is that I cannot believe how pathetic men have become.  I do not speak for all men.  I know there are wonderful men out there—I just apparently haven’t met any of them.  Yes I know anyone could say I am probably the problem not them.  This may be true in some cases.  But in a lot of cases I know it is not.  Men have lost all ability to be chivalrous anymore.  Why is that?  Is it because of women’s lib?  I don’t mind planning or paying for a date from time to time but upon first meeting someone (I am saying what I think) I think the man should step up to the plate and take initiative.  I don’t think men realize how appealing this is.  Instead we debate back and forth about what to do and most of the time the first date usually ends up at a bar.  Yea, let’s go to a place where we can drink and not be ourselves and look like fools after drinking too much (well I don’t drink anymore but when I did this was known to happen).  I have met men that I thought were very nice that had potential.  I would hope for a second date and next thing I know I would get a text or let me re-phrase that, I would get a “sext”.  I know men think with their penises almost all day everyday but why would you think it is ok to make some sort of sexual suggestion/innuendo to a girl you just met?  Why do men nowadays say everything a woman wants to hear to try to get them in bed?  Why do men nowadays just stop calling or talking to a girl out of the blue with no explanation?  Again, I am not saying I am perfect or women in general are.  It is just very disrespectful and I just don’t understand it.  I don’t understand exactly when the shift happened of when men would take the lead to men being straight up lazy when it comes to dating or pursuing a woman.  I was on a dating website before and I had a guy email me (and let me tell you that I NEVER contacted him first) and his email said: I don’t know why you are on here.  You are a fat ass and no one would want to date you.  I wrote him back and said: Your mom must be proud of the son she raised.  This was a 38 year old man.  I guess since getting older it has just become disheartening to have to be in this dating play field where it seems like no one really cares.  Maybe I am the one living in a dream world but I honestly don’t think it is a horrible thing to want to be treated with the utmost respect.  I can share crude humor and I love to laugh and be silly but I can also draw a line when it comes to disrespecting someone.  The older I get the more honest I get because let’s face it we are not kids anymore.  There is so much I don’t understand and maybe in other’s opinions I am doing something wrong but from what I have viewed there are a lot of people that really should step up their game when it comes to knowing how to treat people.  My mom is 4’11 and I am 5’8.  I may be 33 years old but my mother is still the know all.  I have so much respect for my mother that I would not fathom speaking to people with such disrespect that I have encountered.  It is unnatural.

As usual I have gone on a rant and I am sure I have offended some people.  I am the queen of disclaimers as you can see.  I will never claim innocence or perfection.  Perfection is non-existent.  These are just thoughts from my own personal experiences.  :0)

Question 7:

If you could write a letter to your future self what would you say?

Well I guess this is the opportunity to write that letter.

Dear Future Self,

There are so many things I could talk about in this letter.  It is currently January 2012.  According to the Mayan Calendar, this is the year the world is going to end.  How many times have we heard that???  Anyhow, you are at a place in your life in which you are learning so very much.  You have changed so drastically as a person and it has been an adjustment.  I will not say it has been a hard adjustment, just a different adjustment.  It took you until about 3-4 months ago to realize how unhappy in life you had been.  A man came in and out of your life and this person turned everything upside down.  He didn’t turn everything upside down in a bad way.  He just opened your eyes to who you truly were.  He has no idea of the impact he had.  Although you and him did not work out, you realized so much about yourself.  You realized that you were not letting go of the poor self-esteem and self-doubt.  You allowed others to control your actions because you felt that what they thought was good/right was more important than the way you viewed yourself.  It has been a strange journey in trying to balance aspects of life.  It has been difficult to work on getting rid of the anxiety and worry.  It has been hard to find the middle ground between being extremely self-conscious to being confident almost to the point of arrogant.  When someone is a certain way for so long, it can be a real challenge to change and take on a whole new perspective-to be a different person that you believe would be better.

As time has passed though you have learned and really focused on what you believe is important.  You are currently taking the steps to live in a state of continual comfort and happiness.  You have finally learned that happiness is a journey and not a destination.  You have to remind yourself of that constantly though.  Make sure to stop and take a breath.  Your mind works at such an insane pace and you have always been one to plan everything out and wanting to get everything done right away.  Don’t let you mind get the best of you because your mind is just a small part of who you are.  Remind yourself of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  You just finished this book about 3 weeks ago.  You took time to read this book and absorb it.  You highlighted many parts of this book that you thought were significant.  Revisit this book and revisit The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama.  These  are two books that made you feel alive and gave you a sense of clarity and peace.  These books made you believe.  Don’t forget that.

To my future self I will also say that I know life is going to have a lot of ups and downs but I beg of you to not blame yourself for moments that may not always be the best.  During this time (and in the past) you have tortured yourself by believing that you were not good enough and there was something wrong with you.  STOP!!!!  A man does not and will not define you EVER!!!  You may read this and be married to the love of your life and that is absolutely wonderful but remember to not lose your identity.  You have seen that happen with so many people you know.  Don’t forget about what you truly believe in.  Please don’t let someone mold you because in a moment you were lonely.  You have always been a unique soul that was always searching for something new.  I hope you are still searching.  If you have become robotic in life, I need you to get up right now and change that.  If you are not taking part in things you love in your life and are not seeking new information and knowledge and learning from others and trying new things than you are not being YOU!  You have settled enough in your past life, please do not settle anymore.  Stop the worrying, take a deep breath in and a deep breath out and hold onto your moments of peace, love and happiness.

Another thing I ask of you is to love as hard as you can.  Love those around you that are important to you.  Take the time for these people in your life because in a moment they may be gone.  You will continue to meet people throughout your whole life but there will be only a select few that will really make an impact.  I hope you still have some of these people in your life.  If you do, take the time now to talk to them or get together with them and let them know how much they mean to you.  I have come to realize that we tend to get so caught up in our busy lives that we sometimes forget to tell people thank you for being a part of our lives.  You may read this a month from now, a year from now, or even 15 years from now.  I do not know at any of those times whether or not your parents will be alive anymore.  I hope so because I know how much they mean to you.  Either way, hold onto all of the memories you had of them growing up. Always remember how blessed you are to have parents like them.  Although you didn’t always agree on everything and you may have had different traits, these are the two people in the world that made you and loved you unconditionally every single day of your life.  Share the love that they gave you with others.  And if by chance when you read this, one or both of your parents has passed away, allow yourself to experience sadness and pain but don’t let it take over your life.  Remember, even though you may not have always believed it, you are way stronger than you know!  Your parents have always been your heroes.  Ask yourself, “Would they want me to be miserable and depressed in life or would they want me to be living life?”  The answer is simple and you know that.  Although their bodies may not be here does not mean that their soul isn’t.  Love with everything you have because that is who you are.  You know who you are.  You always have.  You have just been scared to let this person out.

I leave you here in hopes that you are in a happy place in your life.  I hope you are able to read this letter and reflect on your life and smile.  Remember that you went through challenging times but it is those challenging times that have made you the beautiful person you are.  You have so many things that others do not.  You have a gift.  I hope you are still writing and reading quite a bit.  You tend to go through phases with doing both of those.  If you are in a phase where you haven’t done either in a while then take the time to.  I know you will be happy that you did.  The world is your classroom…make sure to continue learning as much as you can every single day.  To my future self I send an abundance of love and peace.

Love,

Diane

Your Present Self

1-23-2012

Say each of us has an artifact that defines us and is the legacy of our lives, what do you believe your artifact is?

This entry may be short, I apologize.  I have to work today and woke with a pounding headache and I took a codeine-I get these headaches from time to time :0(.  This should make for an interesting day.  Fingers crossed I don’t spill anything on anyone :0).  Onto the question…my artifact would have to be a mask of some form.  I always picture this mask to be one from a masquerade ball.  The reason I choose a mask is because it is something I have been living behind for as long as I can remember.  I even had an old friend (well actually the last guy I was seeing) mention this to me and I couldn’t help but see the truth in it.  I do not want to say I am a fake person.  I have true, genuine caring feelings for others and my goal is always to bring happiness to others lives.  I desire to help people.  The problem is that I tend to forget about myself.  I have lived this sort of double life.   The person on the outside is not always the same person as on the inside.  This charade can be quite exhausting.  I am starting to learn more about this though and starting to live differently now because living behind a mask all of the time is no way to live and deep down that is not the person I truly am.  I have a voice that I believe needs to be heard.  I have an insane amount of love to give.  I know it may sound so corny, but when I am with people sometimes I just take a moment (in whatever the situation may be) and just step back and look.  I feel the moment as opposed to thinking about it.  It makes me feel alive because I am able to feel and see where other people are coming from.  It gives me an opportunity to appreciate other people and see that there is so much more than my own life.

Last night I went to see 3 of my girl friends that live together.  We decided to do a girls night and make dinner.  These are 3 girls that I have met in the last 6 months (give or take) and we have really only hung out a few times (and it had always been in group situations).  I can say I had such a blast.  While I was there I felt like I learned so much about these girls and without knowing it they taught me so much.  Each one of them are such unique individuals and they all have amazing hearts.  I admit that I was nervous before going over because it has been a while since I have had girl friends in my life and sometimes I just don’t know what to talk about.  It was so easy and I felt completely comfortable.  We were all sitting around the table and we talked for hours.  At one moment I took a chance and just sat back and felt the moment.  I thought about the lives these girls lead and how welcoming they were.  I felt like I didn’t need the mask.

Question 5:

Are you where you thought you would be at this point in your life?

I have been asked this question over and over again and every time the answer changes.  The answer changes because I am always changing.  Where you want to be in your life and where you think you will actually be are 2 very different things.  As children we all wanted to be rich and famous and well-known (well most of us-maybe not all).  But realistically we knew this was not going to be the case.

I can honestly can I never had a clear picture of what I thought my life would be like at this point.  I have never been able to paint a picture of myself married.  I have never envisioned the wedding and the reception.  I have thought about what kind of dress I would ever want to wear if I did get married but I was never able to see the entire scenario.  I never have felt it in me.  I never felt that it was destined to be.  It has always been one of those things that if it happens it happens.

I am the type of person that wants to learn and experience so much that I am unable to think of a life only one certain way.  It would actually be almost impossible to picture my life at a future time.  I am now 33 and I can’t think of anything that I think my life will be like at the age of 50’s.  I will always have goals and dreams and I do hope some of these come into fruition but I don’t rely on these things to shape my life to define me.  I believe I am undefinable.  I would have never guessed that I would be pursuing my Masters Degree 10 years after obtaining my Bachelors degree.  I am pursuing my degree in Counseling and I find everything I am studying fascinating.  I will eat my words with saying this and probably catch a lot of hell, but I am unsure of exactly how  I want to use this degree.  When I first started with this choice of study I was focused on helping others and I wanted to strive to make people feel good and work on their self-esteem issues (focus on the things that have been relatable to me in life) but over the past 6 months I have dove a lot into Buddhist philosophies and I have studied Zen techniques and practiced yoga and meditation.  Ok, here is my dilemma, when it comes to being a counselor there is A LOT of red tape.  A lot of do’s and don’ts and a lot of cans and can’ts.  Through studying we learn various methods and practices that we could use in a client/counselor setting.  I do believe some of these methods could be very beneficial for some but we are all very different as people that it is almost impossible to have one solution for the masses.  Religion and spirituality can be a very tricky topic of discussion in counseling and although I believe various aspects of the Buddhist philosophy might be beneficial to a particular client(s), the organization/business that I work for may have a code of ethics that does not allow me to use this method.  There is such a great amount of limitation and that tears me up.  It makes me believe we have lost out freedom of speech and free-will.  I will always work in a field in which I help others.  I feel it in me that I need to give back.  As cheesy as it sounds, making people happy is something I feel in me.  I believe it was my destiny.  This is the only thing I really feel indefinetly.  I will figure it out as I always do.  I work really hard and I grow so much as a person everyday.  I do not believe my degree will be wasted because to me knowledge and education is never a waste at all.  I will use this knowledge for many years to come.  I just don’t have all of the answers and the entire plan set up right now.  I don’t know if I am the type of person that will ever have a set agenda.  I love variety far too much.

I have gone off topic—shocking I know.  I love that though.  It is so interesting and fun to see where my thoughts go when I let it all just pour out of me.  It gives me the chance to really see myself and reflect on the person that I am at this moment.  I think there is nothing more almost euphoric than to revisit your past life through your writings.  I will be able to re-read this five years from now and compare my life then to this very day.  How cool is that?  You get to see how much you have grown or what struggles you have faced or are facing.  You get to compare and contrast the old you to the current you and decide where you want to go next based on these 2 different people.  I know I am never the same person any day.  It’s exciting.

Ok, now back to the topic at hand…Am I where I thought I would be at this point in my life?  As stated, I never saw my life in a certain way.  The only thing that is most important in my life (and I hope it is in everyone else’s-even through the hard times) is happiness.  The thing about that though that I needed to change was realizing that happiness is a journey and not a destination.  I still have to remind myself of that all of the time because I am always looking for an end…and while looking for that end I am missing the incredible journey I am on in this very moment.  It has taken me a really long time to get to this point.  I am at a crucial point in my life where things are starting to make sense and I am feeling more in tune with who I am than I ever have.  I still have a hard time accepting things and I do not always stand up for myself and I dislike confrontation in any form but I am learning.  I am accepting what is right now.  I am learning that I am beyond lucky for the things that I have in my life.  I go through phases of loneliness and anxiety but I never stop forgetting that they are only moments and the world is too big of a place to get stuck in one small rut.  I am slowly starting to talk more about who I really am and face fears that I had been ignoring for a long time.  I am bringing what is on the inside out and the journey is absolutely breathtaking.

Question 4:

Do you think you are mentally/emotionally healthy?

This is a really hard question to answer.  I have a long list of questions that I can choose from every single day to answer and this has to be one of the hardest in the list.  By psychologists and probably humankind definitions the answer would probably be no.  By my own standards, and being the only one that lives in this mind and body, I would have to say yes.  Humanity and society has become so wrapped up in definitions and labels that we are all walking around as statistics.  One of the questions that I am constantly debating in my head is what is right and wrong and who determines such things?  I can easily describe myself to people (it would probably take a really long time too) and say that I am open-minded (for the most part), extremely compassionate and empathetic, eager, sensitive, nervous, anxious, emotional…the list goes on and on.  When we hear the words nervous and anxious there is always a negative connotation behind them.  Don’t get me wrong, they are not necessarily pleasant feelings/emotions but what really makes them negative.  If we did not experience these types of feelings we would be unable to realize what true happiness is or what real excitement feels like.

Fairly recently I was seeing a counselor.  I had gone through a split with someone that I cared about (at least I think I did).  After it was all said and done I realized that I was not being true to self.  A lot of stuff that I had pushed far far back had resurfaced and I felt unsure of how to handle these feelings and thoughts (please take into account too that I am working on my Masters in Counseling).  When I first started seeing this counselor so much stuff I never expected flooded out of me and for the first time I realized and acknowledged how I truly saw and felt about myself.  It was quite disheartening.  I was holding onto this self-doubting and self-loathing person.  I was (and sometimes still am) unable to see myself as worthy and beautiful (in every sense of the word).  I had been so wrapped up in letting other people/things define me that I really was unsure of who I was and what is truly important to me.  I used to work in nonprofit and I taught Teen Outreach Program classes and one subject that we talked about incessantly was self-esteem.  I would teach the kids how it was so important for each of them to have their own voice and love themselves because they were all beautiful and unique people.  I was NEVER practicing what I preached.  So, as my counseling sessions continued I learned more and more about myself.  I constantly debated between whether to listen to my head or my heart.  I still don’t know in some cases which to listen to-I usually just go with whatever I feel in the moment.  What I realized after time passed was that it was helpful to talk to someone and to get their input and feedback but no one was going to change the situation but me.  I had to choose what I wanted to change.  I have changed quite a bit as a person and the whole time it has been my own doing because I have come to learn more and more what is the most important to me.  My self discovery is what brings me happiness.  There might be certain things I do that others may feel are detrimental to my emotional well-being but it is me that has to discover those things.  For example, I told my counselor that the owner of the restaurant that I work at told the General Manager really loves me and thinks that I am a strong asset to the company.  Her (the owner) and I have become quite good friends.  My counselor told me that was nice but I could not look to others for approval.  I had to approve myself.  I do understand what she is saying but sometimes getting the approval of others is extremely helpful, especially when you are doubting yourself.  It allows you to see that others really do think good things of you.  Yes, again, I know that others do not define me but if you have people in your life that are important that you love very much, their opinions are important.  I strive to make others happy in hopes that they would do the same for me if they felt I needed it.  Life is about give and take.

I wanted to share an instant messenger conversation I had yesterday to show you what I meant by give and take and being able to feel good about yourself because of others seeing the hard work you put in.  Let me give you a little bit of information:  I have eliminated the names here.  The conversation was on Facebook between an old high school friend and myself.  This girl and I were in the same graduating class.  We were in classes from middle school on up.  We were more acquaintances than friends…always friendly to each other but didn’t spend time outside of school together.  Our lives were very different but we never were rude or mean to each other-our paths just really never collided.  She started a conversation with me yesterday and I cannot express the way that it made me feel.  She took the time out of her day to talk about things that were going on in her life with me (and she didn’t have to she chose to).  What she said to me tugged at my heart strings because I felt like even though we were not close she was able to understand and see me and she reached out to me because she needed kind words and knew I would give her that.  For whoever is reading this, I hope that you have people in your life that make you feel this way.  :0)  Here is the conversation:

High School Friend: Good job girl!

Me: on what?

Friend: Your blog, yourself…I’m on a mission to find myself, I need to!

Me: awwwww thanks so much. that means a lot. it sounds like you are doing quite well. i am really happy for you. it feels good doesnt it

Friend: It does feel good.  I just have a very hard time taking care of myself.  Out of all the things my mother could have taught me, it really shouldn’t have been “how not to take care of yourself!”

Me: hahahahaha. i have come to realize that it does get harder the older you get. i never thought i would be the type of person to say that. but as we get older we realize what is important to us. i think it is awesome that you have been losing the weight and feeling good about it. i am so happy for you.

Friend: I love reading about your little discoveries and light bulb moments.  It’s inspiring, you’re free spirited and deep down, so am I.

Me: you are going to make me cry.  Lol.  i have struggled for a long time with pretty bad anxiety and self esteem issues and until probably this last 6 months to a year I never realized how bad it really was. I didn’t want to live that way anymore so I had to take the bull by the horns. Everyday is not wonderful but I make the best out of everything I possibly can.  My biggest problem is worrying too much about what other people think.

Friend:  Because I feel so robotic and like such a blob though, parts of my life have deteriorated and I have to fix that.

Me: You can do it girl. I know you can. I don’t know if you ever read (i know you have a lot on your plate) but I reccommend The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. It is so inspiring and so truthful. I ended up buying that other Eckhart Tolle book that you reccommended. I havent read it yet but I have it.

Friend: I have to allow myself the time to read and I have to read the Tolle book again. I’m just lucky to have such a loving, patient husband otherwise we’d probably be divorced.

Me: that really is wonderful. you got this…i know you do.

Friend: I never did care what other people thought and I think that ended up creating a monster lol. I don’t care what I look like because I don’t care what people think but I never realized how much I wouldn’t care in the end. I can’t even remember the last time I did my hair or even bought myself new clothes.

Me: do what makes you happy. that is the most important. no matter what you look like (and that is easy for me to say and not always do) you are a beautiful person because of who you are.

Friend: I really have to figure out how to let go of my ex-husband’s messages…I still have clothes from high school because he proved to me I wasn’t worthy of anything. I hate the slump. I now believe I have to find the happy medium about caring what others think and not.

..

Me: it is REALLY hard but totally possible. i believe as people we have all wired ourselves to look for approval from others when in fact we need to find that approval of ourselves.

Friend: that’s a powerful statement! I have anxiety too and I also started having panic attacks in the last 2 years. My ex was so bad, I wasn’t allowed to buy a new bra until mine completely ripped through and I was only allowed to own 1 at a time. I was ridiculed for weeks if I got caught brushing my teeth. It was stupid.  honestly, I don’t know what makes me happy anymore. I have completely lost that

Me: you will find it. i promise. keep doing what you are doing. it is in you…it is just buried right now and it needs to resurface. www.marcandangel.com that website is awesome. i think you would really like it. has a lot of insight and gives you a lot to think about

Friend: kind of personal but I was so far gone, my husband and I had sex 1 time in 2011…that’s not fair to him and he never got mad at me…I was more mad at myself

Me: it sounds like you have a good man there.

Friend: no doubt he’s the best! No other guy would put up with it. I have absolutely no sex drive, and I think it’s me. I have been doing alot of thinking and I’m beginning to think if I feel more like a person and less like a blob I’ll probably feel better about me.

Me: i have no doubt about that. everyone always says you cannot love others if you dont love yourself and i used to think that was just a cliche line but there is so much truth to it. i really think you are onto something big.

Friend:

I really hope so. I hope I can find the strength and passion to take care of it like I do with my kids. I’ve realized that I’ve spent over half my life trying to keep others happy and never cared about myself, mainly my kids. Now my oldest is 17 and I’ve realized by watching him that I can not make him happy, he has to take responsibility for his own happiness at some point. Well DUH then I guess I have to do it for me too. I think I need to read Robin McGraw’s book too. My favorite line from Dr. Phil is “if you love your kids why wouldn’t you take care of their mother?” So this is my quest, my son is in school and I have time to reflect and I need to.

Me: You got this girl. I know you do. It really warms my heart to read this because I love when people go through these discoveries. It makes me excited for them because it is so relatable. It will not always be easy but it will be so worth it

Friend: it is relatable and you seem to be very real like I am. Things may not always be peaches and cream for us but we always seem to trudge through. It is a tough road and your posts make me think more than anyone else I know. You seem to want close to the same things I want (correct me if I’m wrong) you want to break out of the shell and grab on to the reigns of life. I love being spontaneous, it’s who I am, I hate making plans and I hate schedules. I have a love/hate relationship with my chaotic life. It wears me out but I’m soooo blahhhh when it’s calm, I don’t know how to deal with calm anymore. Thanks for walking through this door with me, I’ve been trying alone and nobody seems to get it. It drives me crazy when people are sooo unhappy and won’t change anything and I don’t want to be THAT person.

Me: You are beyond welcome. I am so glad I can help in some way. I can definetly relate and I love what you are doing. So many people just complain and don’t do anything or don’t take responsibility for themselves (I have been that person before) and you are and I think that is really great. I know some people get annoyed by my posts and quotes but I just want to be surrounded with positivity. There is too mucy negativity and I want to keep that as minimal as possible. I think you are doing wonderful

Friend: how can anyone be bothered by your posts? I have been that person for far too long! I’m tired of feeling like a whine ass, time to take action. I am the only one that can change any of it. I just need to learn how.

Me: You are on the right path for sure. Well girl I need to take care of some stuff. I cannot thank you enough for the kind words. These are the things that drive me and makes me keep going. I am sending all kinds of good vibes your way. If you ever need to chat I am here

So, returning to the question of whether or not I am emotionally/mentally healthy, I would have to say overall yes I am.  I am human and I have break downs and I feel like the world is caving in on me sometimes but that is what makes me who I am.  I am not always able to express myself to people or say what is on my mind but that is also a part of who I am.  I am starting to see that yes this may not always be a good thing because I should stand up for myself but I love the fact that I care enough about others that I want to avoid hurting people’s feelings.  Life is a balancing act and the only moment we have is now.  It is one of the hardest things to do but I am learning that in order to find your bliss, you must accept yourself for exactly who and how you are.  Love this person.  Choose nothing but love even if it feels impossible.  Tell yourself that even though you may be hurting and you may not be feeling the best about yourself that this is you in the moment and that is who you are meant to be in the moment.  Who you are will never change but you can always change your life circumstance.  It is all about accepting the Now!

Here is your reminder:

~A good idea without action is nothing.

~People seldom do things to the best of their ability.  They do things to the best of their willingness.

~Growth begins at the end of your comfort zone.  Stepping outside of your comfort zone will put things into perspective from an angle you can’t grasp now.

~Those who complain the most, accomplish the least.

~It is not so much about finding opportunities, it is about creating them.

~If you’re waiting for the perfect conditions, ideas or plans to get started, you’ll never achieve anything.

~You cannot change what you refuse to confront.

~Being successful is a journey, not a destination.

~You have every right to be happy, but it is up to YOU and YOU only to exercise that right.

~You don’t have to settle.  It’s simply a choice you make everyday.  If you don’t like your life, then it’s time to start making changes and better choices.

~Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

~There is a good reason you should wake up each morning and mindfully consider what and who you will give your day to: Because unlike other things in life-love, money, respect, good health, hope, opportunities, and many more-time is the only thing you can never get back once it’s gone.

~It is better to be alone than in bad company.

~Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

~You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.

~Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.

~Life is short.  If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, the moment is now!

Question 3:

Do you believe we act the way we do because of genetics or because of our environments?  Explain…

We come back to the nature vs. nurture debate several times throughout life.  I am currently seeking my Masters Degree in Counseling studies and this topic has come up more times than not.  As individuals, is it our environments that shape and mold us or are we who we are because of our genetic makeup?  I believe the answer to be both BUT I tend to believe more strongly that our tendencies and actions are shaped from the environments we put ourselves in.

I am now 33 years old and as of lately I have reflected a lot on my life, where I have come from, who I have been and who I am today.  I see both of my parents so much in me but there are also times that I am so unsure of where my thought processes and beliefs come from.  Ok, I will split up the 2 and give you a description of how I see genetic makeup being fitting then I will share how I believe environments shape the person.

Genetic Makeup (Nature): In order to give my best explanation I must take this argument onto a personal level.  I could use myself as an example (which I may later on) but I am choosing not to for my initial example.  I am actually going to discuss my adopted sister.  There may be a lot of people that are reading this that were/are unaware that I have an adopted sister.  I do not talk about her but very rarely and I do not have any sort of relationship with her (that may end up being another blog entry).  My point being, she is the main source in my life that sways me to believe in some truth to the Nature Theory.  I grew up in a small town in northern NY.  I have 2 very loving parents (that are still together) and 2 sisters (both older-one biological and one adopted).  I will be bised in saying this, but I have two of the best parents in the world.  Like any parents, they struggled and may not have always have the right answers or the right solutions but everything they did was based on love and all they ever wanted to do was protect us.  We were three girls living in a house in an All-American neighborhood in what could be considered an All-American small town.  We would be what is considered middle class and my parents offered to us all of the opportunities that they could (sports, music, social life, etc.).  We were all raised the same and were taught the same morals and values.  My parents did not force anything upon us (well they may have pushed us to be in a sport or try out for something-but this was never done with ill intent-they were only looking out for our best interest).  In my opinion we were truly blessed and lucky to have all that we did.  We were never the type of family to care about labels or status.  We were raised with a lot of love in our household.  My mother and father did everything they could to teach us right from wrong and the one thing they taught us (and may not even realize they did) was how to treat people.  We were taught about respect from a very early age and to give kindness as much as we possibly could.  I never thought I would say this (and my parents would probably fall of their chairs if they read this) but I truly believe I had what people would consider the most ideal, best parents a child could have.  So, we now come back to the topic of genetics.  As I have said, my sisters and I were all raised the same and given the same opportunities.  My oldest sister and I (biological sister-she is 9 years older than me)  have grown up to live by the morals and values that were taught to us growing up.  We both value family and I believe we are both pretty well-balanced people (ok well we might be off-balance every once in awhile but nothing ever detrimental).  We both treat people with kindness and believe that family is very important and a strong source of support.  We provide the best for those around us (she is married and has 2 sons that she would do anything for and a husband she loves very much).  My other sister (adopted sister-4 years older than me) though could not possibly be any different.  I would be lying if I said that I didn’t have anger and resentment toward her.  I am not proud of this but I am honest about it.  This is personal yes and maybe I should not be sharing but I am not naming any names and I think this is important for those that want to know more about me and for those who are debating nature vs. nurture.  Let me give you the little bit of information that I have.  My sister was adopted when she was 1 ½.  It was a closed adoption and the only information that my parents have is that her mother was 16 when she had my sister.  Ok, back to where we were.  From as far back as I can remember (early childhood) my adopted sister was nothing like my biological sister and I.  She had a mean streak.  She was the child that was always pushing buttons and tested my parents far beyond imagination.  My sister had a resentment toward me as far back as my first memory.  She treated me very badly by hitting and punching me or trying to get me in trouble for things I never did.  I remember when I was about 6 or 7, it was night and I was going down to the basement in our house (this was our play room) and on my way down the stairs my sister turned off the lights and I tumbled down an entire flight of stairs.  The only thing I heard was her laughing at the top of the stairs.  I would like to say that things have changed but to this day they are no different.  She has me blocked on Facebook…and mind you I have not even been in her presence in over 5 years (and I have been on Facebook for 4).  The problems that she had were not just with me though.  My mother did everything in her power to be a good mother to my sister and give her as many chances as possible but my sister rejected it all.  She snuck out of the house, stole money, started having sex at 13 with an 18 year old.  The list goes on and on.  After her running away my father would be in the car looking for her and would usually find her at the local skating rink or a friend’s house.  My sister had such anger and animosity issues that she called DSS and we had a social worker come to our house on a couple of occasions (they had to because of me living there and making sure I was safe).  My mother has never and would never do anything to harm us kids.  The social worker learned very shortly that my sister was very sneaky and manipulative.  I could tell people stories that would absolutely blow your mind.  Her presence and overall anger and negativity had a big impact on our household and luckily for my biological sister and I, we used these times to make ourselves stronger.

Upon growing up my adopted sister became a mother herself.  She was pregnant and married (to her 1^st husband) at the age of 18.  They had a son together.  She later divorced this “man” and married another “man” that she had a daughter with.  Yes, I use the term “man” loosely because both of these “men” I would not consider to be “men” because they are both deadbeat dads with absolutely no ambition in life.  Anyhow…  I spent a lot of time with my nephew for the first 5-6 years of his life.  In this time, my nephew probably lived in 20 different places.  My sister and her husband split and she had a different guy on the string all of the time.  The only thing my nephew ever knew was the back seat of a car because they were constantly on the move.  I witnessed my sister scream at this child in a manner that was absolutely terrifying.  She showed him no love and acted as if he was an inconvenience and burden in her life.  I watch him develop a stutter because of being so nervous to be around her.  It saddened me (and still does very much to this very day) because I knew that the chances of my nephew standing any sort of chance in this world were slim to none.  He is now 17 years old and has been in a Juvenile Detention Center since he was 14.  My sister, nor his father, have ever gone to see him.  It absolutely breaks my heart.  I am getting off topic though.  My sister also has a daughter that I think is either 9 or 10 years old.  Yes, it terrible that I do not know how old she is.  I am unsure of her birthday too…it is in either June or July.  I have seen her only once and at that time she was 3 ½ years old.  I do not know anything about her.  My sister also has two step-daughters (well one is transitioning to be male-but that is a whole different story).  I remember that one of these girls used to be a little on the “chunky” side.  My sister would fall her a fat cow or a tub of lard.  I couldn’t imagine it was easy to live with my sister…well actually I know from experience it wasn’t because these were the same insults I got throughout growing up with her.  So, here were are, at a place where we see this person that has turned out completely different from anyone else in the family.  This person is filled with hatred and spite.  I cannot help but think that her genetics HAVE to play a huge factor in her being this kind of person.  This behavior was not directly learned for her early environments.  I would love to know what type of person her mother was and what type of person she is today (or her father for that matter).

I have shared a very personal experience which I am sure many of you are somewhat shocked about.  This is only the tip of the iceberg of stories I could share but I will refrain from giving too much all at once.  I will now move onto discussing our environments (Nurture) and how I believe that we are molded and shaped by what we are surrounded by.

Enviornment (Nurture):

There is so much to say in regards to the Nurture Theory.  I could make about one million arguments based on scenarios and situations I have witnessed and been a part of in my life.  Some of these situations have been from my own actions while others have been performed by family members, friends, people I have worked with or even complete strangers I have “people watched” in various environments.  Behaviors are mimicked every single day.  I, once again, look at my own life and how I have behaved as a person.  Some of these actions I am very proud of while others..well let’s just say it would be nice to forget them.  If you read several of my writings or even just generally talk to me (if I am comfortable enough to talk about it) you will hear me talk about how I believe society has molded so many of us.  I am one of those people that has been molded.  The Nurture Theory is a concept in which individuals decide what is right and wrong and act upon knowing those things.  Throughout my whole life, for as long as I can remember, I have been an extremely nervous person.  I have had episodes of depression and anxiety and these things I believe are learned behaviors from my mother.  I do not fault my mother for this.  She is a protector and a nurturer.  My mother never wanted to see any of us girls get hurt so she did anything in her power that she could to make sure this never happened.  With that being said, she was unaware that by never allowing us to fall or face our fears and conquer them on our own, that she was doing more damage than good.  Her and I have talked about this several times and although we can get in heated arguments, she knows I do not say any of this to hurt her or be spiteful.  My mother did an amazing job raising us and did what she thought was right to bring us up the best she could.  There is no set of rules or guidelines to being a parent and this I know.  My mom is my biggest hero and she knows this.  Anyhow, when faced with confrontation my mother steered us in the direction to just keep our mouths shut.  We were really never pushed to stand up for ourselves.  My mother grew up very poor and her family had very little.  She did not have many friends and was not one of the popular kids in her class.  My mother did not have high self-esteem (even though she is one of the most amazing women in the world).  She never wanted us girls to go through what she went through.  Although we had friends, we were never the center of attention or the most popular kids in school.  I never understood growing up what it really took to be part of the “in-crowd”.  I wanted that back then so badly and it was something I never achieved.  My mother knew this and she would try to help do everything she could for me to be involved with those kids or be in the activities that those kids were in.  She never understood why I was never part of that crowd either.  I mean, we all lived within about a 1 ½ mile radius of each other.  I felt my mother’s anxiety growing up.  Even as young as I was, I knew she wanted me to be accepted (and don’t get me wrong I didn’t have a bad life-I just kind of did my own thing and hung out with random people) because she never really was.  My mom’s anxiety and worry became a part of me.  I don’t blame her for this even a little—even though our heated arguments might tell a different story.  One might think that when you get older that everything changes and the drama disappears.  I have news for you, it doesn’t.  There will always be an “in-crowd”.  For so long I have ached to be a part of this crowd and until recently I realized it was a façade.  I was trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted me to be.  I was living a fantasy based on movies, characters, celebrities, models, etc.  I admit to being a very influenced person.  I get sucked into believing more than I probably should—well I used to—I am smartening up.  Let me give you an example (and I swear I am not a TV junkie—haha).  A year or so ago there was a show on TV
called Tough Love based in Los Angeles, CA.  It was a show based on single women in the dating world.  This was a so-called “reality” show.  The main “character” of the show is a man that is a Dating Coach in Los Angeles (his mother is as well).  The entire season is spent criticizing women on everything they do wrong when it comes to dating.  These women were told they are too aggressive, too picky, too spoiled, too this or that.  I was hooked on this show after the first season because I believed everything this guy was saying.  I started reading all kinds of articles on the Do’s and Don’t’s  of dating.  So when it came down to me actually getting into the dating pool I had no idea how to swim.  I was so focused on what I should and should not be doing that I lost complete sight of who I was.  I didn’t even know how to act anymore (and to this day I am still not completely sure).  This man impacted me in a way to believe that all men function the same and want the same kind of girls and want them all to act a certain way.  My question is, why are the men in control?  Yes, I admit some women can be over the top and do need some work in some areas but can we really compare dating in LA to dating anywhere else?  LA is a whole different world.  It has taken me quite a while to realize that what works for others may not work for me.  I have been able to see myself differently because I have changed my environments and have surrounded myself with different things that I believe will be beneficial to me as a whole.  I still get sucked into things now and again that probably are not the best for me but I now have a different awareness of it.  My point with all of this is that my environments have shaped me to be the person I am to this very day and this very second.  I have a certain genetic makeup that I am sure influences different things within me but with how much the world holds, I find it absolutely impossible to not give your environment(s) majority of credit for who you are at this very moment.

   P.S.  I absolutely refuse to watch anymore seasons of Tough Love or any show with a so-called “Dating Coach”.  I may be molded in various ways but no one is going to change me to make me more attractive and appealing to others.  I am doing just fine on my own <wink wink> ;0)