Question 5:

Are you where you thought you would be at this point in your life?

I have been asked this question over and over again and every time the answer changes.  The answer changes because I am always changing.  Where you want to be in your life and where you think you will actually be are 2 very different things.  As children we all wanted to be rich and famous and well-known (well most of us-maybe not all).  But realistically we knew this was not going to be the case.

I can honestly can I never had a clear picture of what I thought my life would be like at this point.  I have never been able to paint a picture of myself married.  I have never envisioned the wedding and the reception.  I have thought about what kind of dress I would ever want to wear if I did get married but I was never able to see the entire scenario.  I never have felt it in me.  I never felt that it was destined to be.  It has always been one of those things that if it happens it happens.

I am the type of person that wants to learn and experience so much that I am unable to think of a life only one certain way.  It would actually be almost impossible to picture my life at a future time.  I am now 33 and I can’t think of anything that I think my life will be like at the age of 50’s.  I will always have goals and dreams and I do hope some of these come into fruition but I don’t rely on these things to shape my life to define me.  I believe I am undefinable.  I would have never guessed that I would be pursuing my Masters Degree 10 years after obtaining my Bachelors degree.  I am pursuing my degree in Counseling and I find everything I am studying fascinating.  I will eat my words with saying this and probably catch a lot of hell, but I am unsure of exactly how  I want to use this degree.  When I first started with this choice of study I was focused on helping others and I wanted to strive to make people feel good and work on their self-esteem issues (focus on the things that have been relatable to me in life) but over the past 6 months I have dove a lot into Buddhist philosophies and I have studied Zen techniques and practiced yoga and meditation.  Ok, here is my dilemma, when it comes to being a counselor there is A LOT of red tape.  A lot of do’s and don’ts and a lot of cans and can’ts.  Through studying we learn various methods and practices that we could use in a client/counselor setting.  I do believe some of these methods could be very beneficial for some but we are all very different as people that it is almost impossible to have one solution for the masses.  Religion and spirituality can be a very tricky topic of discussion in counseling and although I believe various aspects of the Buddhist philosophy might be beneficial to a particular client(s), the organization/business that I work for may have a code of ethics that does not allow me to use this method.  There is such a great amount of limitation and that tears me up.  It makes me believe we have lost out freedom of speech and free-will.  I will always work in a field in which I help others.  I feel it in me that I need to give back.  As cheesy as it sounds, making people happy is something I feel in me.  I believe it was my destiny.  This is the only thing I really feel indefinetly.  I will figure it out as I always do.  I work really hard and I grow so much as a person everyday.  I do not believe my degree will be wasted because to me knowledge and education is never a waste at all.  I will use this knowledge for many years to come.  I just don’t have all of the answers and the entire plan set up right now.  I don’t know if I am the type of person that will ever have a set agenda.  I love variety far too much.

I have gone off topic—shocking I know.  I love that though.  It is so interesting and fun to see where my thoughts go when I let it all just pour out of me.  It gives me the chance to really see myself and reflect on the person that I am at this moment.  I think there is nothing more almost euphoric than to revisit your past life through your writings.  I will be able to re-read this five years from now and compare my life then to this very day.  How cool is that?  You get to see how much you have grown or what struggles you have faced or are facing.  You get to compare and contrast the old you to the current you and decide where you want to go next based on these 2 different people.  I know I am never the same person any day.  It’s exciting.

Ok, now back to the topic at hand…Am I where I thought I would be at this point in my life?  As stated, I never saw my life in a certain way.  The only thing that is most important in my life (and I hope it is in everyone else’s-even through the hard times) is happiness.  The thing about that though that I needed to change was realizing that happiness is a journey and not a destination.  I still have to remind myself of that all of the time because I am always looking for an end…and while looking for that end I am missing the incredible journey I am on in this very moment.  It has taken me a really long time to get to this point.  I am at a crucial point in my life where things are starting to make sense and I am feeling more in tune with who I am than I ever have.  I still have a hard time accepting things and I do not always stand up for myself and I dislike confrontation in any form but I am learning.  I am accepting what is right now.  I am learning that I am beyond lucky for the things that I have in my life.  I go through phases of loneliness and anxiety but I never stop forgetting that they are only moments and the world is too big of a place to get stuck in one small rut.  I am slowly starting to talk more about who I really am and face fears that I had been ignoring for a long time.  I am bringing what is on the inside out and the journey is absolutely breathtaking.