I need to get back to my meditation. I feel more clear now than I have in most of my lifetime and I still stand behind my convictions but I need to return to those moments of mental rest and allow my body to be more at peace. I need to give both my mind and body a rest. I feel so much deep within me but I am tired. I may give my body time to rest but I have not given my mind or soul time to rest in far too long. I know this because my self-doubt is holding on a little too strong right now.
I am always looking for the answer to the question “why?” I don’t know what my spiritual beliefs are but I have heard many times that “God does not give us more than we can handle” and “Everything happens for a reason.” I do believe we each have a path for some reason or another and I guess sometimes that is maddening to me. It does not make me angry I just wonder (over and over again) if there really is a time that we will find or understand this purpose or our reason. What is real and what is not? Are we all in control of our own destiny?
I was given a book recommendation by a new soon to be coworker (I will get into that in a different entry) called “What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love and Marriage”. There was an excerpt in the book that I would swear was written about me. It went as follows: “I am an altogether different person than I was three years ago. My friends and family may not have noticed, but I am almost unrecognizable to myself at times. My outlook is more optimistic. I’m less judgmental. I have vastly more patience and self-control. I’m a better observer. I get along better with people. I have a peace of mind that comes from the world making so much more sense to me.” I am undoubtedly a different person than I was 3 years ago….hell even from just one year ago. I love this person I have become but I still struggle with the thoughts of the person that I once was and the decisions I once made. I know the past is in the past and there is no going back to change it but I can’t help but think about what my reputation still is to other based on those poor choices once made in moments of weakness and self-loathing. I spent so many years never taking the time to see or love myself and just made one detrimental choice after another and these choices still leave me with lingering feelings of embarrassment and anger. There are people I hope I never see again because I don’t know if they will ever see me as more than the mess of a person that I was at one time past. Again, I know that it is only this moment that matters and how far I have come….but the thoughts are still there whether I like them or not. That knot still sits in my stomach when I happen to think back to a time when I drank too much and made some very questionable choices….choices that made me look pathetic, slutty and all and all ridiculously insecure. At one time I could have been the butt of everyone’s jokes because of the stupid decisions I made. I know now that I had absolutely no self-respect. It was never about anyone else….it was me just fighting my inner demons and believing that these poor choices were what was going to get me noticed and loved (if only for a moment). I could not have been more wrong.
I am secure with myself now….well way more secure than I ever used to be. I am a female so it goes without saying that in moments insecurity is a given. It is strange though but this security came when I spent more time alone. I knew I had to distance myself from certain people because an energy within me knew that the relationship was neither beneficial to me or to them. I have grown to no longer be fake and I cannot force relationships with people. I would rather spend time wrapped up into a book or trekking away on the elliptical at the gym than forcing myself to befriend someone that shares no common interests of mine (and vice versa)…just for the sake of having a friend. I will ALWAYS look for the good in people and I love telling people (even strangers) the good things I see in them but this is not a friendship make. Like I have always said with romantic relationships, the same goes for friendships, they should be natural. When a relationship is forced we are making ourselves do unnecessary work that will probably reap little or no benefits. I realize that this mindset of mine may push some people away and may make others think that I am pushing everyone away. I can’t make people see or understand my vision. This is why I have spent a good amount of time by myself. I no longer want to have fake and forced relationships. Life passes us by at a record speed whether we want to believe it or not and I want to look back in 30+ years and remember the genuine relationships I had and the people that changed me with their wisdom and their outlook on life. I want to look back and see that my relationships were made up of give and take and all parties came out better because of that.
As human beings we are molded (myself included). We have been exposed to so much in this world that sometimes our thoughts and our actions are not truly our own. We act, react and overreact to everything because we have been shaped by someone or something that surrounds us. This is not always a negative thing….it is just something that many do not notice as they saunter through everyday life. People have told me many times throughout my life that I worry too much and I think too much but what they don’t realize is that I am constantly observing my own behaviors in order to try to do what I think is most suitable for the situation at hand. It may be easy to say to me, “Just relax and go with the flow” but sometimes that mentality only makes a situation worsen. My self-awareness has great potential to make almost every situation I come into better. The way I handle a situation can play the main part in how all actions play out. Do you follow me? I avoid confrontation and telling people that they are wrong as much as possible (even if deep down in my gut I feel like they are wrong) because I am aware of those things that I have potentially been guilty of and without living in the mind, body and soul of another person I cannot possibly understand their motives or intentions. I can only make assumptions and we all know what happens when we do that. If you read my 365 day blog entries you can not only see but feel the continual evaluation and evolution of self. I do not do this strictly because I want to please others. I do this so I can make as many situations for myself as pleasant as possible. I know there are no benefits to anger and rage. I know no good will come from being confrontational and ugly. If anything, the consequences of those behaviors would be the exact opposite of what I was striving for. So, although I may think and feel as if something is wrong, I must remember that I will never truly understand another’s motives and I must move forward and draw my attention elsewhere. I must not chase those people and situations that will be of no benefit to my life. I have done that so much in the past and the results have always been the same. Although this life is confusing and with this confusion can sometimes feel like a heart piercing loneliness…this life is mine. I cannot help but feel that I do have complete control of my own destiny because I am unable to see what is only on the surface. I have dove deeper into my consciousness and there is no chance to ever resurface…..what has been seen cannot be unseen. I know this probably sounds like just a bunch of nonsense and words just strewn together but to me it makes complete sense. My thoughts are so little of who I am. It is so much more than that and I offer my words in hopes to meet others that can understand what I am not only saying but what I am feeling.
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