My Chaotic Self


I seem to do my best thinking when I am at the gym.  It must be all of those endorphins bouncing around my brain.  My body may physically spent but my mind seems to always be clear as day when I am working out.  I can be surrounded by people but feel like this is my place of seclusion where my truest and most clear thoughts swarm into my brain. Things in my life right now seem to be panning out…knock on wood.  I keep getting closer to the goals I have set forth for myself.  I started this new blog about a month ago (give or take) and as of this morning I am down 8.6 lbs. and I am unsure of how many inches (2 weeks ago it was 6 inches).  I still have a trek ahead of me to reach my weight and body goal but my determination levels are through the roof and when I progress I don’t stop until I get what I want.  I do hit walls sometimes though.  I have yet to stop comparing myself to others.  I have yet to stop assuming others think I am not good enough because of my body or my imperfections.  It is all part of the process called life…I know this but it is never simple to just switch off these thoughts and abandon them completely.  I believe that change is possible but relapse is almost inevitable.  I believe it is the relapse that strengthens us though… is the test that we need to prove to ourselves how strong we are.

I sometimes get these momentary images in my head….the images of wonder I like to call them.  Today while at the gym I turned on a song that ALWAYS seeps under my skin and makes me feel anything and everything all in one moment.  The song is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol.  I have never been the person to believe that my life would be complete once I had a boyfriend or better yet a husband.  I have needed to constantly prove to myself how strong I am independently and if someone were to come into my life it would be a bonus not a completion.  I hurt on the inside though because I know that I have given up on trying to put myself out there.  I sabotage myself by assuming I am not going to be good enough for someone and I worry and worry and worry some more.  My past is still in my present and I am fully aware of it.  This morning while I trekked along on the elliptical I imagined myself in a white wedding dress with a man’s arms wrapped around my waist.  I couldn’t see his face….I didn’t need to.  We stood in the middle of the dance floor and started to dance our first dance together as a married couple and when the song began (Chasing Cars) my eyes swelled up.  I looked at him and said, “Thank you for finding me.”  It may sound silly but sometimes when you wander through life you are able to see all of the beauty (which I do) but sometimes you feel lost and you feel like you are waiting for someone but you don’t know who that person is or why you are looking/waiting for them.  I know how beautiful I am both inside and out but I hide and I do know that it will take a lot of digging for someone to find the real me….it will take someone really wanting to.  In my daydream I thanked this person because he found me in all of my chaos.  I thanked him for really seeing me as beautiful instead of drama-filled because of my intensity.

This blog was started to focus on my health journey but I feel the need to get my thoughts out into the universe….writing is my sanity and my guide to health.  Health is such a generic word with an endless amount of definitions.  I understand the difference between being alone and being lonely.  I am alone a lot and most of the time I am ok with it….I actually embrace it because I am able to collect my thoughts and feelings and dissect them as much or as little as I want to.  It is my time to understand and love me….to have that relationship with myself that I had lacked and taken for granted for far too long.  With that being said, I do sometimes feel lonely because I want to experience things and talk until the wee hours of the morning with someone and there is nothing but empty space.  This blog is my drug….it is my ticket to serenity.  Over the past few weeks I have had moments of loneliness and with loneliness comes self-doubt and the typical question of, “What is wrong with me?”  or better yet “Why not me?”  No, I don’t understand why not me but I also don’t think I am meant to.  I can’t help but think that I am here to face these challenges and find this inner strength.  I truly believe I hold a lot of power…..a lot of influence and there is nothing that can interfere with that….even if it may take time.  I question the existence of God (as most people already know) but I can’t help but feel a power of some sort that is guiding me in a particular direction and although I experience these moments of loneliness I am being challenged….I am being pushed in a particular direction to make changes and make a difference somehow or another.  I have needed to find this person (me) that has been aimlessly wandering for so long and although I still wander I wander with purpose now.

I went off the beaten path today.  I plan to regroup in the next couple of days to share some new pictures of my body and weight changes as well as measurements.  I hope everyone stays tuned in!  All of my love!!!

This entry was posted in Blog, Blogging, Diane, Fun, Health, Inspiration, Journal, Life, Love, Philosophy, random thoughts, Thoughts, Writing. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to My Chaotic Self

  1. bibuji says:

    Beautiful to be both physically and mentally active. Both will encourage each other.

  2. irianti says:

    hi Diane
    thank for the article. and I love love love your drawing in this article. . can I post it in my website or use it for my power point presentation . ? i will put the credit. (your name )

    thanks before

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