Day 363 Question 363:

What bad habits do you really want to break?  How are you going to break them?

As humans it is natural for us to start certain habits.  Sometimes these habits are good and sometimes not so much.  Over the years I have picked up some great habits.  I have lost a good bit of weight and incorporated healthier foods into my diet and I have made exercise a pretty regular part of my routine.  I have read and read and read some more.  With good comes bad though.  Over time (actually a lot of time) I have picked up some very bad habits.  I always speak of the importance of balance in life and it seems that for every good habit I pick up I bring out a bad one.  I think I ignored the bad ones for a long time and I just don’t want to do that anymore.

I decided that for my next blog project I wanted to document the remainder of my weight loss journey.  By doing so I have to face the facts…even as much as it makes me cringe.  I have an extremely unhealthy view of eating and food altogether.  I can control my eating physically but my mind constantly thinks about food….it is embarrassing but it seems like everything in my life revolves around food.  It seems to be a comfort….the thing that brings people together….a common bond.  Food is my drug.  It has altered by thinking and I have realized that I am addicted to thinking about food.  I have made it a habit to eat something far too late at night.  I seem to not have any willpower when it comes to saying no to eating out or boxing up half of my food when it first arrives at the table.  I KNOW all of the information about proper eating habits and reading my body to know when it is full but I have not followed through.  I KNOW I need to retrain my brain just like I would with any other addiction.  I have made the excuses for long enough…I MUST break that habit.  It sounds crazy but when I feel a tad bit hungry at night I have a strange anxiety that I will have some sort of panic attack or physical illness if I don’t fulfill that tiny craving.  I do not let my body just be a little hungry.  It seems that the harder I try to occupy my time or redirect my attention the more I think about food.  I don’t believe in myself and my willpower enough to be as successful as I know I can be.  A motivated as I can be when it comes to working out….I find myself to be quite lazy when it comes to practicing proper nutrition.  I have made these abundant changes to find a place of inner peace and my anxiety has decreased greatly in many areas of my life but within this area I must take the time….it is NOW OR NEVER!!  That is why I have chosen to document the progress regularly so I am able to see where I am struggling and push myself a little bit farther every single week.

I stay up far too late most nights which makes me drag all day long and even though I work out I know I could be doing better if I just closed the computer and just closed off the world and allowed myself the rest I know I need.  So, if you haven’t figured it out I have the bad habits of staying up way beyond when I should and not being able to disconnect from the outside world….god forbid I miss something on the Internet.  I was listening to the radio the other day and the radio personality said that a study was done (I can’t remember where) that has shown Internet and technology use can have the same addictive qualities as drugs such as cocaine or heroin.  I gave up drinking completely over two years ago and even though there are times randomly that I crave a glass of wine I know I will be fine without it.  I, however, have wasted far too many hours on Facebook and other silly websites that are of absolutely no value.  I am sure I will log a lot of hours online this next year but I want to shift my focus from social media and keeping up with everyone else’s lives to learning…about everything I possibly can.  I want to take this health journey very seriously and soak up as much knowledge about the body and mind as I can.  I have learned through a lifetime of experience that if you do not have a healthy body then you will not have a healthy mind.  That is a VERY hard thing to come to terms with and time is not slowing down at all.  My age hit me suddenly and yes I realize I am still young but it is also now or never to find my healthiest place….I cannot keep putting it off.

Moving away from the topic of health….because I think I have driven the point straight into the ground and even deeper than that.  This past year I somewhat went into seclusion.  I made and broke plans far too many times than s even remotely acceptable.  I started allowing myself to become this hermit and I am unsure of why but that needs to stop right here right now.  There are 24 workable hours in a day and I need to stop living thinking about the next minute and thinking about when I am going to crawl into my bed at night (I love my bed far too much…haha).  I am young and I need to start living like I am young.  I will never meet new people or a potential love interest (hahaha what a cheesy expression) if I don’t get out there….stop thinking about being in the comfort of my own home.  And I need to stop saying yes to everyone just to avoid them being pissed at me.  The worst habit I have is saying yes to plans when I know that I either have something else going on or will more than likely break those plans last minute.  I am unsure why I worry so much about people being pissed at me for being honest (maybe I am suppressing something).

While writing this I realized that it is never pleasant to see your flaws and your downfalls.  I am not proud of certain things in my life and I know they need to be fixed and I have spent too much time avoiding them….well actually…just not being honest about them.  While writing about my food obsession and thought processes I cringed because I find it to be embarrassing…but I also know that nothing is going to change if I don’t start being honest about it.  I need to ask for encouragement and ask for help.  I know it is me doing it and I will have to focus on my willpower and personal strength but I am going to ask for guidance when I feel like I am slipping….I even may ask for a swift kick in the ass and some harsh words if I think that is what I need.