Day 177 Question 177

Day 177 Question 177:

Do any dating rules really apply?  What are some that you strongly believe in/strongly disagree with?

 I have written about this topic before.  I am FULL of opinions when it comes to this topic.  Am I am expert?  Absolutely not…but then again who really is????  About 4-5 years ago I became absolutely obsessed with reading articles on relationships and the do’s and don’ts of dating.  I read every rule there was to read and let me tell you…the list was far from short.  Through this experience I realized that a majority of these rules were geared toward women.  So, in this post, I will admit that it is swayed more in the direction of women.  Men (from my personal experiences) seem to be more casual when it comes to dating.  Us women tend to think and analyze and evaluate almost everything (again, not all…a lot though).  For a while there I was a dating fool.  I would meet guys out or online and I would go on multiple dates a week….nothing stuck.  Most of the time I was contemplating all of the dating rules in my head and making sure I was doing this or not doing that, that I HAD to have been coming off like a nervous wreck.  It took me until recently (probably within this past year) to realize that a majority of the dating rules are complete SHIT!!!  All they do is try to mold people and these rules cannot possibly be suited to fit everyone.  I once went on a date with this guy and we grabbed appetizers and a couple of beers (this was obviously when I used to drink).  We had great conversation and spent more hours together than I expected.  We didn’t kiss at the end of the night but there was that awkward linger and it was obvious we were unsure what the other was feeling or thinking.  Shortly after I got home I got a text from the guy and he told me what a great time he had and looked forward to seeing me again.  I did not hear a word from him after this….well not for another 6 weeks that is.  Randomly he sends me a text asking me if I wanted to meet him for dinner then watch some football game.  I told him yes.  I texted him shortly after and asked him where he wanted to watch the football game.  Let me back up for a minute…on our first date I explained to him that I was a planner for the most part.  I told him that I did like spontaneity but I did try to plan only because my work and school schedule can be quite busy.  So anyhow, after I asked him where we he wanted to watch the football game he sent me a text saying, “I think we should forget this.  If you can’t even be spontaneous once then this will never work.  We are going to dinner at a sports bar/restaurant.  Where do you think we would have been watching the game?”  I was dumbfounded.  I asked one simple question….and mind you I had never been to the place we planned on having dinner so I did not know that it was a sports bar/restaurant.  I wrote him back and said, “I think you are right, this would never work.  You did not contact me for 6 weeks but I am the ass in this situation.  I didn’t know that the place was a sports bar/restaurant….excuse me for asking one simple question.  I now know what type of person you would be in a relationship and because you didn’t contact me for 6 weeks it is obvious that everything is done on your time frame.  Sorry, but I don’t work that way.”  He wrote back and told me I was right and I could feel that his tail went straight between his legs.  I was pissed.  Maybe I do need to work on being more spontaneous, but what a lot of men seem to not understand is that women want to look nice for a man (no I am not saying hours worth of primping).  When you want us to pick up and just go in that moment (when we are home unshowered, lounging in our pajamas and looking quite horrid) we are usually taken off guard.  It is not that we don’t want to hang out…we just need a little bit of notice…but the problem is…when we say we aren’t ready then we are pinned as high maintenance or dramatic or what have you.

I am the type of woman that will be very honest about who I am…especially in a dating/relationship scenario.  I don’t lay all of the cards out on the table up front but I will get there eventually if I feel that the relationship is leading somewhere.  I do this so the person knows who I am and they can choose whether they accept it or not.  I have come up with dating rules for myself (and I do think that they could be beneficial for other women).  These are rules that have come into fruition over time because of past mistakes and experiences…I have done stupid things myself and I have watched other women do things that should make them want to crawl under a table in embarrassment.  These rules allow me to keep my dignity but also allow room for compromise.  Alright here we go…

Diane’s Rules For Dating:

1)       DO NOT SLEEP WITH ANYONE ON DATE #1-Yes, there have been rare occasions where a relationship has happened after sleeping with someone right away….but let’s face it…the chances are almost nill.  Let’s leave some mystery ;0)

2)      DO NOT FISH FOR COMPLIMENTS-When you make comments about how fat you are or how worthless you are, it is sooooooo obvious what you are doing.  All that it says to someone is that you are insecure and really negative….whether it be in person, via email or via Facebook.  This is annoying to EVERYONE!!!!

3)      DO NOT TALK ABOUT SEX AND SEXUAL STUFF RIGHT UP FRONT-This will read that you are an easy lay and EVERYONE can smell the desperation oozing off of you.  If you feel the need to do this in order to get attention from a man then you may want to reevaluate what you think of yourself.

4)      BE YOURSELF CONFIDENTLY-People (whether it is someone you are interested in or just people in general) are not going to like you for whatever reason.  These people should not change who you are.  The person you fall in love with (I mean really and truly love you) should love and embrace you because of your uniqueness.  They will know you have flaws (just like they have flaws) and they will see them as imperfectly perfect and help you to change yourself if that is what you want but not use those flaws against you.  If someone wants to change you then you ARE with the wrong person and so are they!

5)      IF YOU ARE DATING SOMEONE THAT CHEATED ON SOMEONE TO BE WITH YOU THEN THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE IT IS NOT GOING TO WORK IN THE LONG RUN-I only say this because there is a very good chance that in the back of your mind you will always be thinking, “Well he did cheat on someone else to be with me, how do I know he won’t cheat on me to be with someone else?”  If you are starting a relationship with this many questions and this many doubts, then it probably isn’t going to get better.

6)      DON’T SETTLE-There is not a specific timeline in life that says when you need to get married and have babies.  When you are single, people are going to tell you over and over again that you are too picky.  BE PICKY!!!!!  It is YOU in the relationship and you have wants and needs.  No, I do not recommend basing everything on looks but attraction is important and you know that.  What YOU want is just as important as what everyone else wants.  Listen to what your heart is telling you….not what society is telling you!!!!

7)      IF YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF, YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO LOVE SOMEONE ELSE-Yes it is that simple!!!  If you question this then you probably do not love yourself…start working on that because you totally should love yourself a ridiculous amount!!!!  Seriously, what makes anyone better than YOU???

I don’t have many rules for myself.  I believe relationships, no matter what kind they are, should just form and progress naturally.  I am still single at age 33 and I am totally fine with that.  I am fine with it because I KNOW being in a relationship will not define me.  It could potentially be an added bonus to my life but it is not going to complete me.  The only thing that will complete me is living in a manner that feels right to me and only me.  For myself, I am unsure if I would be able to be with only one person for the rest of my life so I do not want to burden myself with searching and hoping for something that may not be something I truly want….searching for something to complete me when I already have all of the tools myself….the only person that complete me is me.  It took a long time for everything to make sense.  If there is someone that is meant to be in my life then it will happen at the right time.  There really is no point stressing over something…in my opinion that ruins it from being completely natural.  No relationship should be forced and we should not simply settle due to momentary loneliness.  I know what I want and what I need…if someone comes along and compliments my life then that is wonderful…if I have only myself for this life that is wonderful as well.  There is no purpose in wallowing in loneliness and self-pity…those things are choices….I choose to embrace opportunities that arise everyday.  I believe this is the healthiest way to live.  I have people in my life that I love right now….there is no reason for me to feel sorry for myself because I do not have a boyfriend or a husband.  I am not alone even in the slightest.  Other people are…they have no family…no friends….no one…and some of these people don’t have a complaint in the world.  I refuse to let my ego get the best of me. :0)

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13 Responses to Day 177 Question 177

  1. rich says:

    i never let dates meet my kids until i was sure it was going to be a long-term thing.

  2. jensine says:

    being single and having standards is hard in todays world … especial if you are over 35 like BUT i do believe that dating has no rules, after all everyone is different and should figure out what works for them. And while I agree taht yes don’t sleep with your date right a way I think being spontaneous is okay too … after all eventually he will see me at my worst if it is going to be a long term thing. But then what do I know … still single and wouldn’t mind a partner (important term) in my life

  3. vanevolence says:

    It’s been a long time since I dated anyone other than my husband (9 years). Texting wasn’t popular then but if I were dating now I think I would have to have a no texting rule. So much communication is lost in a text. There are no sarcasm fonts and you can’t sense the tone of voice that a person may have that is vital to reading how they may feel about something.

  4. Miss M says:

    Reblogged this on A FRESH START and commented:
    This is a good questions in my opinion….what are the rules to follow

  5. mars6995 says:

    I agree with everything, Diane. And I know it must be tough out there on the dating scene. Not to implicate my own gender, but most men are indeed pigs. There are some good ones mixed in, though. My advice is to be yourself (in a more guarded way at first), remove all expectation and try to enjoy the experience of meeting someone new. And please stick to your “no sex on the first date” rule. For every nice guy I know, this is a serious red flag, even though we’ve all hoped for a quick hook-up at one time or another (usually in our youth). Hang in there and stay positive, sister. Things will work out 🙂

  6. brendamarroy says:

    These rules could actually apply to all of us, not just for dating.
    On rule #7: You are so correct on this and I’d add to it others will love us to the same extent we love ourselves. Good post, Diane.

  7. adauphin04 says:

    I agree with some things, but mostly agree that rules, if there are to be any, should be based on individuals. I just wrote a post on my blog >> http://wp.me/pZYmb-5z . Check it out. It has a close bearing on this post. B@Peace!

  8. granbee says:

    The best rule I ever found for dating was: “Make friends first–then explore any romantic possibilities!”

  9. pennycoho says:

    Great post. I like both your rules and your rule book.

  10. tjsweed says:

    I agree on ALL counts, Diane! Love it!

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