Day 151 Question 151:
What are some things you are unable to understand?
I have come to realize that in life there are some things I just won’t ever understand. I won’t truly understand them because I have no first-hand experience with them. I started thinking about this question yesterday because I had been having a conversation with a friend. She was telling me about her family. Her parents are divorced and she has no “full blood” siblings but she has 4 half brothers and sisters. She is 28 years old and she has a half sister that is 6 years old. Her parents have been divorced for quite a few years and both remarried and both are now divorced from those people. She told me that she has seen them both take part in the dating scene and she has met different people throughout her life. By no means am I judging this, I can’t quite understand (or I guess the better word would be relate) it because my parents have been married for 43 years. I have only known living in a household with married parents and having a biological sister. I am absolutely fascinated when I hear people talk about their families (especially those that come from homes where parents are divorced). I am fascinated because I wonder what affect it has on people. Again, I am not judging, I am just stating how it is a subject unrelatable to me.
Day in and day out I asked the question WHY??? There are a million things I don’t understand. I don’t understand why people do certain things the way they do or why things work the way they do. I pretty much don’t understand anything that does not come to me first-hand or through personal experience. Last night I (nervously) watched a documentary called Deliver Us From Evil. I will give you the plot summary momentarily. As many of you know, religion is one of those subjects that I question so much about. There is so much I don’t understand and there is so much I am trying to expose myself to in order to decide what I believe in and what I don’t. Watching or reading anything regarding religion in any form usually gives me a nervous feeling. I admit lacking a connection to a specific religion right now in my life and I lack a connection to a belief in God (knowing indefinetly of his existence at one time). I question the morals and values of the church and am always trying to find what I believe is right in my life. I have so much respect for others convictions and beliefs…I do, however, know it is difficult for some people to respect mine considering none of my beliefs and values are set in stone. I question everything….I question all “truths” because without first-hand experience I am really unsure of what truths there really are in the world. Before anyone gets offended or has the urge to fly off the handle at me…I ask you to remember these words are strictly spoken from my point of view….at this moment in my life. I am a creature of constant change and I will do the favor of accepting and respecting you as you are and ask kindly for you to do the same for me. Comments and thoughts are always welcome but rude criticism (in my opinion) is not necessary.
Anyhow, I kind of veered off there for a minute. Ok, here is the plot of the documentary that I watched (Deliver Us From Evil):
This unsettling Oscar-nominated documentary from filmmaker Amy Berg investigates the life of 30-year pedophile Father Oliver O’Grady and exposes the corruption inside the Catholic Church that allowed him to abuse countless children. Victims’ stories and a disturbing interview with O’Grady offer a view into the troubled mind of the spiritual leader who moved from parish to parish gaining trust … all the while betraying so many.
This description does not give justice to the details portrayed in this documentary. This documentary sickened me down to my core. I have always viewed the church (no matter what my beliefs have been) to be a place of safety for EVERYONE. The church was always a symbol of security and a place where people could seek peace and help when needed. This man (Father O’Grady) molested dozens and dozens of young children throughout his priesthood. The most sickening thing about this, is that other staff members of the church, higher up bishops and clergy-man and even the pope knew what had occurred because he admitted his wrongdoings and instead of removing him from the church, he was moved to another church…and when it happened yet again, he was moved to another church. Interviews were done with the many clergymen that knew the actions that took place and it was obvious that these men were lying. The stumbled over their words when asked about their knowledge of the situation and why this man kept being moved to other churches where children were a large part of the congregation. This man molested children for over 10 years and when he finally was jailed he served only 6 years and was released and deported back to Ireland. At this current time this man is walking the streets of Ireland and he is not required by any laws to seek counseling or treatment (he received treatment after his actions were first discovered but it only continued for a short period of time). It is hard for me to get into a lot of details because of the betrayal I feel from both the church, the judicial system and the government. Innocent young children had so much of their lives stripped away from them and no one protected them. Families were destroyed and parents felt completely broken because they have the wool pulled over their eyes. This man was someone they opened their homes up to because they trusted him…he was a man of God…and behind closed door he took advantage of their children. He ruined more lives than I can count on 2 hands and it never needed to continue….it could have been stopped and it wasn’t. I can’t stop shaking my head and asking WHY????? I know people get angry when I say things like this, but it put another nail in the coffin for me regarding religion and the church. I, for so long (even though I never really attended church regularly), looked at church as a place of beauty and a place of safety. There was a lot I have never understood about religion but I have seen churches and clergyman become so corrupt and I have seen the church turn into a business as opposed to a place of worship. This documentary broke a little piece of me because although I am unsure of my beliefs I always looked at religion and church in a positive light….I am unable to do so as much anymore. It is quite saddening.
I started researching pedophilia because I didn’t know whether or not it was considered a mental illness. According to several websites it is. My next question was whether this was something that could be “cured”??? Again, several websites said yes…it can be “cured” through counseling and sometimes medication (medication that can alleviate sexual urges). I am just unsure if I really buy that. I do feel bad for some people that suffer from this mental illness…it is so strange and so unnatural. I cannot imagine what that is like. It is another thing I do not understand. I do not understand having any sort of sexual urges toward young children. In the documentary this priest stated that he felt no attraction toward men and women and only felt sexual attraction toward both young boys and girls. His youngest victim was 9 months old. It baffles me that someone could be wired in a manner like this…another thing that is quite sad. I would like to say that by the end of this documentary that this man was rehabilitated. I believe in his mind he thinks he is….but his lack of sincerity did not allow me to believe it. There was no remorse in his voice when he spoke. He even laughed here and there. I believe someone who was TRULY sorry for their actions would be filled with all kinds of emotions and would be seeking an excessive amount of help in hopes of getting better. Honestly, I don’t think this man was seeing his wrongdoings. On the streets of Ireland a convicted pedophile walks free. In the catholic churches (actually in many churches…actually in many areas of the world) so many people are turning a blind eye to these kinds of wrongdoings and our government and judicial system and all of those that are supposed to protect us are continually failing us. Jerry Sandusky sits on trial with endless counts of child molestation and child endangerment against him and it pains me to think that because of his “status” he will just receive a slap on the hand and in no time he will be walking free as well. I may be unsure if I want children myself but with every part of my being I believe that children deserve to be protected. I believe the harshest sentences need to go to those people that harm, abuse or murder children. These are tiny little people with no defenses.
Like I said, there is so much I don’t understand. My mind is constantly asking why because of things I witness every day. My blog is not written to offend anyone…I just have to be honest about what I am feeling. I believe this is a form of cleansing for me. It allows me a better understanding of myself.