Day 127 Question 127:

What is something(s) that many people don’t know about you?

I hope that one day someone can say I am the best thing that ever happened to them.  I just watched this movie called A Little Bit of Heaven starring Kate Hudson.  This girl right here was a big ball baby….I am talking about huge crocodile tears and a super attractive oozing nose.  It really was an amazing movie and it was one that hit home a lot.  I love those moves that make you feel so much…not just think but actually feel.

The premise of this movie is a young woman (Kate Hudson) is diagnosed with colon cancer (stage 4) and we watch her journey through her illness and there is this beautiful dialogue of all of the relationships she has with people in her life.  I, of course, started to think about my life and all of the people in it.  I am very blessed for the people I have in my life and there are some that are so special and I hope to hold onto until my last dying breath.  I do wish that my family was bigger and closer like other people’s families so I could have more people to know and more people to love.  That is just one of those things that happens in life…my country is spread around the country and many of us do not know each other.

In the movie, Kate Hudson’s character falls in love while she is dying.  She says to the man that he is the best thing that has ever happened to her.  I couldn’t help but think that if the day were to come where someone were to come into my life that they would feel the same about me.  I did feel a twinge of sadness and loneliness because when it comes to men and dating and relationships and the whole nine…it just seems to be the same thing repeated over and over again.  I keep meeting the same guy that puts in no effort or has nothing interesting to say.  I meet the guy that never makes me feel like I am enough.  In this aspect of my life I gave up.  I put forth my efforts into different areas of life because I started to feel like maybe this was an area that really wasn’t supposed to be significant in my life.  Don’t get me wrong…I love my life.  I love how driven I am.  I love my family and I love my friends.  I love that I push myself to the limit in so many ways.  I love that I have dreams and goals and I try to achieve them as opposed to just talk to them.  I love that I never want to stop learning.  I love that I care about people so deeply and want their lives to be happy because in turn that makes me happy.  I love that by writing those words that tears swelled up in my eyes because I knew I meant what I wrote.  I do sometimes slip into fairytale mode and wish someone would see beyond the mask that I sometimes hide behind.  I am guarded only in this area and I wish someone would take the time to chip away the layers and see the beautiful woman that lives behind this mask.  Maybe I want to much and maybe I overthink it but is it wrong to want someone that aches to hear your next word?  Is it wrong to want someone that I could talk to nonstop for hours and hours and hours?  Is it wrong to want to feel like someone’s everything (in a matter of speaking of course)?  I have never felt these things and I have ran far away from people because my instincts have told me that they would never be able to provide these things to me.  I don’t want to compromise what my heart truly wants.  So, even though I have these moments every once in a great while when I wish I had that person to share my life with, I would rather be alone than spend it with someone that I never felt like I could be my complete and true self with.

I wasn’t sure what direction I was going to go when I started typing.  I guess it’s just one of those things when the thoughts came rushing in and they just came right off of the tips of my fingers.  In this movie the relationships that this young girl has with people are so meaningful and you are able to learn about how different they all are but how they are all so very important.  Those are the best relationships in the world.  While watching the movie and seeing the scenes between her and her mother (Kate Hudson and Kathy Bates) I, of course thought about the relationship I have with my mom and how that relationship is probably my favorite out of all.  We can drive each other crazy but we love each other more than anything in the world and my mother is the person that makes me feel alive…she has always let me know that everything is going to be ok no matter what.  I took her and my dad out for dinner about 2 weeks ago to celebrate my dad’s birthday and Mother’s Day.  While we sat at the table my mother was talking about all of her friends that she sees at cards or has over to the house and I asked her who her best friend was and without expecting it at all she said, “You!”  We both laughed a lot but in my heart I knew she meant it.  I have a sister that is also very close to both of us and my mother would take a bullet for her in a minute if needed…I just think my mom protects me because it is just me.  I think a part of her feels that need to protect me because I don’t have a husband or a family and she doesn’t want me to feel pain all by myself.  She wants to be that person there for me because she knows I don’t have anyone else to fall back on.  She definitely doesn’t choose me over my sister…she just knows the deep emotion that I experience and she knows that it isn’t always easy to experience that all alone.  My mom has saved my life…she will continue to save my life until the end of time.  When we left the restaurant that night I put my arm around her (which is always cute because I am 5’8 and she is 4’11) and we walked through the parking lot just joking around and being silly.  There will be times that I do that but my mom will pull away a little bit because I think sometimes she thinks that affection like that makes me feel uncomfortable.  I am not always able to say what I want to my mom but she knows that I love her so very much and even through all of the struggles and all of the chaos that I brought into her life at different times that I am beyond thankful for everything she has ever done for me, ever taught me and ever given to me (not material-wise).  I may sometimes struggle with saying I am sorry or admitting I am wrong but she knows when I am…she doesn’t need the words.  Our relationship goes so far beyond the words we could speak.

I am not sure how I come off to many people.  Sometimes on the surface I think I portray this tough exterior and I use humor a lot to bring other people happiness but inside I really am a softie.  My heart and my soul is filled with so much love and romance and the aching to give my thoughts and my opinions to other people.  I have made many mistakes throughout my life that I cannot take back but in my heart I do apologize to the people that I have hurt…I have learned a lot about myself through carelessly hurting others.  I am glad that I have been able to learn from my mistakes and try to work on myself more and more all of the time as opposed to allowing the person I used to be to keep controlling my life.  I don’t even know the person I was anymore…it feels like she is far far away.  She is almost like a figment of my imagination.  I know she existed but it almost feels like she was a completely different person…there is no way that person was me.  This person right here, right now is me.  I don’t hate the person I was because without her I would not be where I am today…I would not be able to face my fears and find out how strong I really am.

Life is this journey that is constantly sending us on various paths of self-discovery.  This movie that I watched stirred all kinds of emotions in me (being hormonal may have played a part too ;0).  I knew I had to get my thoughts onto paper (virtual paper that is)…for no reason in particular…just to know that one day I can revisit them and see the person I once was and hopefully love how far I have come from even now.