Day 93 Question 93:

What is something that has taken you a long time to learn but you are glad that you have?

Sometimes I pick the most random of questions to answer for this blog.  A lot of the reason for this is because of what I have experienced just prior to throwing the question out there.  This morning I was chatting with a new friend and we started discussing relationships and the self and when I was answering I realized how different I have become…I believe in a good way.  What I realized that it has taken me a long time to truly learn about myself and learn who I really am.  I believe it is a process and some people find themselves earlier than others.  We all have this path in life and it helps us grow.  Even the hardships and stressful times have made the journey worth it because it has helped me figure out me just a little bit more.

I have been thinking about this a lot because of my father.  I love my father with everything in me and I find him to be fascinating and kind and generous.  I have just realized that over a lot of time I had conformed to his way of thinking.  I conformed without even realizing I was doing it.  My dad thinks I am odd and strange sometimes.  He doesn’t think I am weird in the sense like I practice Voo Doo or I eat strange, foreign things.  He doesn’t understand my way of thinking a lot.  I don’t always understand his either.  We are from VERY different generations.  My dad is a die-hard Republican and he will be until his very last breath.  I think he may have been a Republican leader in a past life.  Ok, there you go, me talking about a past life is something my dad would consider me strange for.  He doesn’t get into any of that kind of thing.  He doesn’t think about spirituality or processes such as meditation to clam the mind and body.  I read a lot about holistic healing and believe in striving for maintaining a peaceful state of mind as much as possible.  My dad would refer to me as a “Peace Loving Hippie”.  Don’t get me wrong, my dad is not a bad man with  ignorant ways of thinking.  In my opinion, he is brilliant.  He loves politics and believes in the continual improvement of this country.  He can spout off about taxes, Healthcare, and politics all day long.  We may not necessarily have the same take on everything but we certainly are both very passionate.

Ok, I have veered away from the original direction I was planning on going.  So this morning the conversation I was having started out by talking about a mutual friend.  This mutual friend is a female and she is a very nice person but when it comes to dating/relationships she has the tendency to get insecure and clingy (at least from an outsiders perspective).  She dated the person I was talking to and she dated my roommate at one time and both have mentioned her being insecure and clingy.  She is a really nice girl and it is so obvious she has a big heart and is all together a genuine person.  She is who I was probably a year or so ago (for as long as I can remember).  I wanted to find someone to be with and who knows….maybe settle down and get married….maybe start a family.  I realized that I was completely ignoring my wants and needs in life in my quest to find someone else.  It hit me like a ton of bricks one day that I had to love me first and always continue to do the things that make me happy and if someone comes along to join my journey then great but if not there are still over a million opportunities in life.  I am too much of a knowledge seeker and an adventurer to spend a majority of my time searching for something that may not even be the right fit in my life.  I believe that if the right person comes along that everything will come naturally.  Life has enough complications.  I don’t think searching for a relationship should be one of them.  I came into this world as one person and I will leave as one person.  All of the wonderful people in my life have been these amazing bonuses and I appreciate them for everything that they are and everything that they have taught me but in the end I have to always love myself and stay on the path of self-discovery and self-improvement.  No one will ever know exactly I am feeling or thinking except me so if I don’t love me to the absolute fullest then I find it impossible to love another.

So, the lesson that took me such a long time to learn was acceptance and love of self.  We live in this crazy world of media and parents that teach us this or that and teachers that educate us on various subjects and bosses that want us to do things their way so therefore conforming is almost natural for everyone at some point.  I have conformed in many ways and it took a long road to figure out where my morals and values really stood.  It took me time to figure out WHO I am (and I will continue figuring this out all of my life) and even better to embrace this person.  For the first time, probably since I was a very young child, I adore the person that I am and have become.  I truly believe that people that choose to have me in their life are lucky (and I do not mean to say that in a cocky, boasting fashion).  I have come to this clearing on my journey that has shown me comfort and peace…something I have needed for so long.  I have found this through writing, meditation and surrounding myself with people that are genuinely positive and happy majority of the time.  It is not easy to “drop” people from your life but sometimes it is necessary if you want to see improvements.  I could no longer surround myself with chronic complainers or people that talked the talk but never walked the walk.  I conformed before and I REFUSE to conform again…especially in that way.  I am too positive and I see too much beauty and opportunity in this world to become one of those people that only sees the problems in life.  Problems and stresses are inevitable but how they are handled is choice.  Screaming and throwing temper tantrums or treating people poorly is never going to get you head in life…it might for a minute or 2 but you definitely won’t be popular amongst most people.  I love people far too much to start burning bridges everywhere I go.  I have made mistakes in the past and I will continue to make mistakes and I will always do my best to correct them and to take ownership.  I am not the Oracle of all perfect knowledge on how to treat people but I have learned that there really aren’t many other options if you want to live a truly happy life.