Day 52 Question 52:
Why do people cheat?
Hmmmm why do people cheat? I thought this would be a question to ponder and see where my thoughts take me. I really have no solid answer and I believe no one really does to this question. I have never ever cheated on anyone while in a relationship BUT I have to admit that I have (knowingly) been the girl that a guy has cheated on his girlfriend with. Either way, both situations are wrong. It was easier for me to be the other girl because the few times that it has happened, I have not known the #1 woman (but in a couple of cases I have). I guess deep down I felt like the guy was more at fault than I was so I just dove in…yes yes I know that is stupid thinking. I have never cheated on anyone in a relationship because mainly I don’t get involved with someone (like truly commit myself to someone) unless I am really feeling passionate about being with them. I don’t cheat because I have no desire to…the person I am with at the time is able to fulfill what I am looking for. Secondly, I AM THE WORST LIAR IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!! I truly believe that everything I am thinking shows directly through my facial expressions. I may be exaggerating but there are times that I feel so strongly that I am completely conveying everything I am thinking on my face. For example, there is a girl I work with that never ever shuts up and never ever ever stops complaining. She has an excuse for everything. I am not a confrontational person so I just listen to her as she babbles on. While she talks though all I can think is that my facial expression is just saying, “Shut the f**k up Whiney McWhinerson!” She keeps blabbering though so it must not be as bad as I think. Ha ha. I may be able to tell little white lies like anyone else but I am not comfortable with them at all and cheating is waaaayyyyy bigger than a little while lie.
The days of stupid mistakes of being the other woman or being a part of a triangle of deception are long over for this girl. So, why do people cheat? A lot of people would say/suggest that men are unable to be monogamous. The idea of being with only one woman physically for the rest of their lives terrifies them and eventually they just crack under pressure (watch the video below). I have no idea whether this is true or not because I do not have a penis to think with…ok I admit that was a low blow. Ha Ha just having a little fun here. I tend to veer away from the idea of marriage because monogamy is becoming an ideal of the past and I do not like the thought of that. We look at the statistics of the divorce rate in the United States and the percentages of the number of people splitting up due to infidelity and we find that the numbers are astronomical. So again, why do people cheat?
It could be easy to spout off at the mouth and accuse men of being the main culprits of cheating but nowadays this would not be the truth. Women have fallen into the category of cheaters just as much. I believe people cheat because they rush into relationships and they have yet to find themselves. They “think” they know who they are and what they want and they then get involved with another person and realize that they are clueless about their needs and wants. I believe people get tangled in the web of attraction and the initial excitement of a new relationship and they believe that what they have is real but then when they find themselves months and years down the road they realize that they have compromised a lot of themselves on behalf of this other person. I believe resentment could also be a big factor when it comes to cheating. After enough time it could become easier and easier to blame the other person for stripping away your identity so what is the best way to get back at them??? Yes, I think you know where I am going with this.
I have absolutely no solid answers as to why people cheat. I, myself, have such a strong value for love that I believe that if it is true and absolutely genuine love (which again I believe is rare) that cheating would not be an option. If the need to wander were to occur, I believe a respectful person would end the relationship before venturing out and riding the next train that comes along. We live in a society that has seen this immense change when it comes to relationships and the whole concept of “dating”. Men no longer “court” women and technology has become the main form of communication between people. I have said it many times before and I will say it again, human contact is diminishing every single day due to the increase in technology. I believe there are a lot of factors that could influence someone to cheat. “Peer pressure” alone could drive someone into the bed of a stranger.
I have to laugh because just recently an old “friend” contacted me. We met about a year and a half ago and more or less had a fling. It was short-lived but we stayed in contact through email. We always just kept it short and sweet and he always spouted about how he loved being with me (in the physical sense) and I was so fun and just what he needed and wanted in that department (pat on the back to me-haha). He ended up meeting another girl and they have now been in a relationship for over a year now. He sent me an email just days ago asking me to come visit him and also asked for some pretty explicit things to happen between the two of us (yes I am trying to keep this PG rated). He told me that he cared about his girlfriend and they did a lot together but she was unable to fulfill him in that way and he mainly was with her because it was comfortable. I thought to myself, “Wow, I would hate to be that girl.” I then thought to myself, “Maybe I have been that girl and never knew it.” How awful would it be to find out that your significant other told someone/people that they were with you only because it was comfortable? It is frightening to think about the number of people that cheat and feel absolutely no regrets of remorse about it. Again, I am far from perfect but I can’t wrap my brain around the idea of someone cheating and thinking it is just fine…like they are deserving of the opportunity to cheat…life has dealt them a bad hand so that is their reward to themselves.
By no means am I validating cheating, but I do believe it takes some people longer than others to mature and to prioritize and balance their lives. In our late teens, early 20’s, we are all still working on getting our lives in order and let’s face it..most of us don’t know our heads from our asses. We may think we have it all together but we don’t. If we get involved in relationships at these early stages in life I think we start to realize pretty quickly that there are so many other options out there. I have heard plenty of young guys state how great it is to play the field but still have a woman to come home to at night. It’s a young person’s clueless mentality. It’s a selfish mentality. I think it takes a lot of growing and learning to finally get rid of the “It’s all about me mentality.” It took me almost 30 years to get out of it and I still to this day need to remind myself of it. I think we are accustomed to getting what we want when we want and in truth that is not natural or right.
As you can see I have absolutely no solid answers to this questions. These are just my jumbled thoughts as to why I think people may cheat. I hate to even ask the question (because it does make me lose more hope) to people whether or not they have cheated because I know the number of yes answers would be higher than I would be prepared for. Is it true, once a cheater always a cheater? To my readers, I would really love your input on this subject. I would love some words to give me encouragement and hope but I also want the brutal, honest truth! Have you ever cheated? What was your reasoning at the time? Would you cheat again? Have you ever been cheated on?
Love the photo!!!
Sometimes people seek validaton from people through cheating if they feel that their present relationship isn’t satisfying that need to feel validated. At the same time it is also a manifestation of insecurities that as you rightly point out in regards to those that feel the need to be in a relationship and rush into it without really developing a full sense of self-esteem. That lack of confidence in ones self is also a form of a lack of self-respect. If you lack self-respect then there is no way you can respect other people’s feelings. That’s just the way I see it.
i cheated twice before I was married but once I decided to get married and devote myself to one person, I have not strayed. I’ve been married almost 6 years. I think people cheat for different reasons. Some have always been cheaters. Their parents, friends and family aren’t faithful and so they almost see it as a natural part of life. I’ve met several married men like this in my life who just believe that what women don’t know won’t hurt them. They have always had flings on the side and until they are comfronted by their wives, they always will cheat. Even after confrontation they may continue. Most cheaters I think never plan to cheat. They fall for someone else and then put themselves in vulnerable positions with the other person that lead to cheating. Flirting, sexually suggestive comments and touching are gamess that people play to make themselves feel good. People often think that the behavior is mostly harmless but meanwhile subconciously they are slowly rationalizing that it is okay to be unfaithful. They cross one line, then another and suddenly they are involved in full fledged infidelity.
I try to avoid any pretense of that kind of behavior not because I’m better or more mature or don’t really enjoy it (in fact I crave this kind of attention). I avoid it because I think that it’s really dangerous to the health of my marriage.
Instead of running towards people I’m attracted to, I run in the other direction.
I loved that you shared this. :0) Thank you so much!
I have found that a good rule of thumb in relationships is to be aware of an old maxim…. if they will do it with you, they will do it to you…. solid truth….
Once a cheat always a cheat. To answer your question, no I have never cheated on my wife. But it sounds like you have cheated before. And it sounds like you have been tempted recently, but you do not indicate whether you went through with it. Cheating fills the same basic desire that killers and rapists have only on a shallower level.
Did you read my blog? I have never cheated but I have been the girl that someone has cheated with. I admit that is just as wrong. I have learned a lot though since then. I believe I have matured a lot as a person and my priorities are in the right place. I was not tempted by the offer that I spoke of in my post. I would not hook up with this person I spoke of because it is not what I want. I want something meaningful in my life with someone and if that does not happen than I am perfectly content being on my own. I have learned a great deal from my mistakes in my past and I think that speaks volumes about me because a lot of people do not learn. I cannot agree in saying that cheating is the same in comparison to murder and rape but I appreciate your thoughts. I can tell you have a little animosity toward me due to this blod and that is quite alright. It does not change the face that I am a really wonderful person. I am human and I make mistakes like anyone else but I care very deeply about people and I will take ownership when it is needed.
Reblogged this on The World I Live In.
It seems to me one of the chief reasons cheaters are trapped in the stronghold of this evil habit is that they DO NOT get still, get observant and wait patiently for their soul-mate! They substitute passing, physical thrills for genuine, all-encompassing love they COULD have if they sought the Light and broke out of the bonds of superficiality!
Obviously there cant be a simple answer that covers the entire spectrum of human “reason” but It seems to me that the most basic reason for cheating is the cheater making the choice to have immediate gratification (for whatever reason) instead of continued and possible prolonged or delayed gratification with their significant other.
I do agree.
It takes work to make a relationship work. Men and women stray for different reasons. I too have been the other girl but I was also 18 – never done it since and don’t plan on it. A bunch of years later and I am married 5 years. The reason marriage seems outdated is because people dont take it serious and want an easy out. The divorce rate among those who lived together before marriage is HIGHER than those who didn’t. Odd.
Your statement “the ideal of monogamy is becoming a thing of the past and I do not like that”… that sounds like someone who may end up cheating. Monogamy essentially means (nowadays) having one sexual partner… I have no intention of cheating on my spouse but I also know that I am human and temptations come my way which is why I am vigilant and careful in relationships with the opposite sex. I keep nothing from my husband as it pertains to my guy friends. He knows them all. Once you start keeping secrets like that from your partner – trouble lies ahead. If you are in a healthy committed relationship then you probably won’t cheat but again, relationships take work. I recommend reading a book called the 5 Love Languages – this can explain divorce and how to have a great relationship. Nowadays people don’t want to make an effort when a relationship is in trouble it’s easier to walk away sometimes. People also marry the wrong person – ask your divorced friends if they knew they shouldn’t have gotten married. Your ‘friend’ who wanted to cheat on his girlfriend.. staying in a relationship because it’s comfortable – if they get married they will get divorced. A healthy relationship with the ‘right one’ will fill all of your needs – if it’s right. And you know when it’s right.
I agree that in some circumstances divorce is necessary (ie abuse) other than that I think people can be lazy.
Maybe some cheat as a way to get out of a relationship they don’t want to be in – subconscious choice.
I don’t know though… temptation is a hard thing….
I definitely appreciate your response. I have loved hearing other people’s opnions. When I said I do not like that I meant that I did not like the idea of monogany becoming a thing of the past. I do not like that it is now so much easier and commonplace for people to cheat. 2-3 years ago, the person I was would have probably cheated because I had serious self esteem issues and was straight out desparate for attention by the male form in hopes to find “love”. My life was completely off balance. I am in a place right now in my life that I have found an abundance of happiness in myself (I meditate daily and that helps more than one can imagine) and I know what I believe real love to truly be. I no longer want to compromise my beliefs for just a moment of what I think could possibly be something (when I actually know in my head it won’t go anywhere).
Thank you again for the great response. :0)
Hmm, I think I’d definitely steer clear of your old friend. Good friend he may be, but if he’s unhappy (or unfulfilled) he should become single and then explore options. And he’s basically admitting to using you. I’m all for friends and I will go plenty of extra miles to help someone… but I abhor being selfishly used.
A relationship takes work and there is no shortcut to “happiness” or fulfillment. “Cheating” is taking a shortcut to import from an outside relationship what the person is missing from the relationship they SHOULD be getting it from.
As a famous book says “drink waters from your own cistern”. If your relationship is worth investing (and if it’s marriage… it CERTAINLY is), then focus your attention and efforts there. Love is a choice. The feelings fade at some point for everyone. What is left is literally what you make of it. If you’re a selfish person, you will have given nothing and gained nothing. If you give of yourself, you will have gained much. If you give and your partner gives back, you have gained everything. That is the nature of agape love.
I definitely agree :0)
You’re in my brain. It’s so oddly comforting reading these ideas coming from someone else in a voice that feels familiar. Thanks! “like they are deserving of the opportunity to cheat” EXACTLY. Thank you…
Thank you for saying this. It is soooo nice when people are able to relate :0) Makes me feel a little less looney. Ha Ha!
i’ll tell you a secret…we’re not the ones who are loony.
Hee Hee that is correct :0)
Pssst, we are all a little loony! 🙂
Wait, didn’t you just have a post on “what is normal” a few days back? :-p
It’s complicated, but pretty simple in a nutshell.
Men cheat when they are deprived of sex in their current relationship. Also, men cheat when they think that they can do better than what they already have, and they are testing the waters. Additionally, men cheat when they want to have their cake and eat it too.
For women, it’s pretty simple. Women cheat when they are unhappy in their relationships. Usually, it’s when they are being treated badly in one way or another by their current partner, whether it is abuse or just simple alienation. Women cheat, not for the sexual satisfaction or the ego boost, but because they need to feel an emotional connection with someone.
Women cheat when they want to move on from their relationship because they are not getting what they need. This is only applicable to the population of women who feel the compulsive need to remain in a relationship because they can’t stand being alone.
It’s a little more complicated than that, but that’s pretty much it. At least from what I have seen.
men cheat when they can do better? that depends on better – what? better-looking woman? better-earning woman?
men often cheat when they can NOT do better.
anyone who cheats is in need of something. it might be attention, adoration, sex, companionship, lifestyle, various things. if a guy is with a woman who he feels is “better” than him, he might feel not very appreciated. if she earns more money, he might feel inferior, so he might cheat with someone who earns less than he does so that he can now feel better about how much he earns. if a guy is with an amazingly beautiful woman, he might feel that she’s more relatively attractive, thus feeling again inferior. guys will often cheat with a woman less attractive than their gf/wife because they think that less attractive woman will find that guy more attractive than his current mate finds him.
some people cheat because they need to feel like they “still got it.” still got what it takes to go out there and “get” a woman.
some people cheat because they have needs/wants/desires that they are not getting from their current person. they probably have not shared those wants, and probably because those wants might be something…different…that they think their current person would not be willing to try. let’s say a guy wants to be tied up, spanked, whatever. they don’t want to do that with their current person, so they go out and find someone to cheat with who is also willing to do those other alternative things. maybe if they find a way to introduce that into the current relationship, she will not only say yes but they’ll be much closer and happier.
about ten years ago i had a gf who i was with 3 years. after the first year, she mentioned something – different – that she wanted to try. i was all over that, and i was thrilled she asked because it was something i was thinking about as well. it worked out well. be creative, find a way to discuss it. you might be surprised how willing your partner just might be.
I don’t mean “better” as in better than him. I’m talking about “better” than the current partner. Smarter, prettier, etc. But, better is relative. Someone he perceives as being “better”, possibly because he is unhappy with some aspect, sexual, intellectual, etc. It could be an ego feeding thing.
As it goes with my husband and I, we are very happy with just each other. Do I know if that will change? No. Do I think it will? Not on my end. He is really everything I could ever have wanted in a husband and so much more. And, he’s the kind of man where I’m not sure he would have married anyone at all unless he was 99.9% sure. It’s been five years. We’re not bored. We don’t do anything special, but everyday is a new thrill.
Have I cheated before my husband? Yes. Always because there was some emotional content missing. Would I cheat on my husband? No. Why? Again, he is everything I need and even more than I want. And that’s why I feel people should take the time to really know their partners. If there is something missing to make a person want to cheat, then it’s over. It’s never going to just magically grow in there because a person wills it to.