It's a New Day…

I just finished reading the book Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.  The entire book focused on Christianity/Christian Spirituality and the belief in God and Jesus.  I struggled through all 240 pages but I came to realize at the end that I am really starting to figure out what my beliefs really are.  I am without a doubt not a Christian.  I, at this point in my life, am agnostic.  There is no doubt in my mind about this.  I am not saying that Jesus and God are not possibilities but I cannot firmly say I believe in it because it is something I do not know, something I have never experienced.  I respect those that believe as they do, I just do not believe the same.  I look at religion/Christianity/belief in God in a very different manner than several people on Earth.  I have too many questions.  I know it sounds very horrible but I compare religion and following Jesus to that of being in a cult.  In my perspective it is as if people are being molded to believe a certain way and are being controlled and conformed.  This could all be an idea or a story that some random person came up with several years ago and it just caught on and spread like wildfire.  I swear I do not mean any disrespect, I am merely stating how I see things.  With this being said, I know how I feel and I know that I am agnostic but it is as if my lips are glued shut and I am unable to talk about it.  I live in the Bible Belt of the United States and I am the minority and it sickens me because I have to remind myself that because I am part of the minority this does not mean that I am wrong or do not have a right to feel as I do.  I believe in spirituality and the search for a greater knowledge of where we have come from and where we are going.  I just have a hard time living for someone other than myself, because it is myself that I know day in and day out.  Some may call this selfish but I call this my own reality.  I feel that each of us as individuals are drawn to something spiritual in one way or another.  Many millions of people are drawn to Christianity and God and I admire those people because they have such a strong faith in something.  I, myself, am drawn to Buddhist and Zen philosophies.  I believe strongly in compassion and finding your inner self.

I realize I sound very cynical when it comes to organized religion/Christianity/God and in some ways yes I am.  My issue is that I believe that many people are hiding behind their religion and using it as a scapegoat.  People are always saying God is responsible for everything and he will help us find a way out of the darkness and we need to give back to humankind in order to be accepted into his Kingdom.  In my opinion, this is just people not taking ownership for their actions.  Instead, they are pawning the blame on someone/something else.  I find this to be pretty disheartening.  People are not owning up to who they are and what they have done throughout life.  It is natural to make mistakes and sometimes these mistakes and decisions are really poor but for me personally, I respect someone a whole lot more that takes ownership of doing something wrong and tries to take the steps to fix it as opposed to those that just say they are going to look to God for the answer.  What is God anyway?  We have this book called the Bible that could be interpreted a million different ways and who knows what truth lies in the story and if God really ever even existed but masses of people believe this.  Again, I am saying none of this in disrespect and I can say there may be truth to the Bible and God/Jesus may have existed.  I just do not know this, as there are so many concepts and thoughts and ideas that I cannot wrap my brain around because they are nothing I have experienced.  Maybe I am looking with tunnel vision but until I experience something than I am unsure of it’s truth—and even though I have experienced some things that does not necessarily mean those things are truth.

I want to live in the here and now.  I do not want to conform and do all of the things and believe all of the things that a man in a robe standing at the front of a church tells me to.  I am more than willing to learn more about every religion out there but I believe for myself that I am a creature of knowledge and learning and experiencing as much as possible in this lifetime.  I, honestly feel that I am not meant to believe one set of rules of values.

I am starting to realize that I have been forcing something that does not at all need to be forced.  I kept thinking over and over again that I needed to always find a conclusion and with everything there is an end point or an answer but this is not true.  The struggle is accepting this.  Alan Watts talks about Christianity.  He discusses how there must be opposing viewpoints in order to have an understanding of anything.  “How do you know you are alive if you were not once dead?”  “In order to be saved we must always have damned people”.  This is a balance in life.  It is obvious but not obvious.

I have been cursed with a case of the what if’s.  I am always seeking out answers to everything.  Why do I do things as I do?  Why don’t things seem to pan out for me?  I am now thinking, what is wrong with the way I live?  I am just merely doing what I feel and think from one moment to the next and this to me is what is living.  It is a stream of consciousness.  So many things have conformed us to think certain ways, i.e. media, religion/church, schools/teachers, parents.  I am not saying it is bad to be conformed but my question is, where is the line between being who you really are and being who society wants you to be?  Internally we all know who we are but we never say everything single thing we are thinking.  We have been programmed.  We are taught manners when we are young.  We don’t always state our thoughts in order to avoid arguments or simply out of fear.  We feed off of each other.  We feed off of body language and tones of voice and mannerisms.  All of these actions are learned behaviors.  Someone or several people from our past have molded us to be who we are today.  Those people believe (as I can too) that there way is the right way.  There way is morally and politically correct.  I seek counseling and I am still in debate about how I feel about all of the content of the sessions.  I view it all as a learning and growing experience for self.  I have been asked several times what I believe the source of my anxiety stems from.  I can never answer this question.  In my opinion it is unanswerable.  I remember as a small child going to school (kindergarten, 1^st, 2^nd grade) and crying the first couple of days of school.  I felt anxiety overwhelm my body and I felt completely out of my comfort zone.  This was a place I knew nothing about and did not understand.  But why did I feel this way?  Why did I feel anxiety as such a small child.

Alan Watts speaks of Christianity being a practice of the study of human existence from birth to death.  Christianity is only applicable from birth to death.  Well thinking about the anxiety I have experienced I start to wonder about a past life.  Is there something from a past life that is causing this feeling of unease in my current life?  I have gone back and forth with religion and debated whether or not having a belief in God or a higher power was the reason for my struggles but I am starting to see that this is impossible.  I may be considered a damned person because I am unsure of this higher power and have not been saved but my thoughts are my own.  To find happiness in life is to experience acceptance for what is.  Life is a continuous process with unanswerable questions that float through the universe every single day.  I am starting to see that if you are constantly seeking an answer then it is almost as if you stop living.  You are seeking out something that can and will never be found.  Your choices and your thoughts are your own.  You may learn from others by the words you share but it is never ok to let these people decide your thought processes.  This is where more struggle comes into play.  We, as human beings (not all but a lot), do what they can in order to avoid conflict.  There are certain subjects that are well known to be controversial that people will avoid talking about all together.  Again, we have learned from a young age (again not everyone-because obviously we have several conflicts/wars in this world-just generally speaking) to use discretion when discussing certain subjects.  We, again, are being molded.  It seems almost impossible at this point in life to not be molded-it is the only way for survival on the planet because this is all people know…even though they don’t realize it.

If you were to round up all people and divide them according to their belief systems, I would not fit into the majority.  I know this.  I do not have a set belief system and this is ok because I am choosing to live every moment because that is what life is.  With this being said, we are in a society in which we are burdened down with rules and regulations and if we do not want to suffer (whether it be by doing jail time, be beaten or abused in some form) we must conform to society’s rules.  We like what we like and we do what we do but my question again is: when are we being genuine to self and when are we conforming to society?  I believe, we as humans, seek approval.  We seek approval as a whole.  But as one can see, there is not one person on this earth that holds the power that can say what actions/beliefs are right or wrong.  No group can determine this.  So, when thinking about this, whose approval are we seeking?  Are we seeking our own internal approval?  I do not live for the approval of others (even though I could debate this from my actions and thought processes).   I am starting to understand…although it is hard to tell people what you really think because of the fear of their reactions…no matter what they are not the people that dictate who you are as a person.  We all make mistakes and they are our own to make.  We may feel sadness if others are to leave us or be upset at us because of our actions but again, they are our actions and the actions which follow are also ours and hopefully those following actions will have positive results.

I believe we have to hold onto the things that make sense to us.  We should not have to force anything.  If what others tells you makes sense to you and you feel it is something you believe in then go with that feeling knowing that it was not forced.  It is still a genuine feeling because you have been exposed to something new and different but you were not told you had to believe in it…it just seemed to naturally make sense to you.   Again once you have started letting others determine who you are you have stopped living as a conscious being.  You are now functioning as a conformed society.  You are bits and pieces of who other people want you to be and you may not be able to find who you really are if you do this over and over and over again day by day.  Throughout life there will be people you encounter that will not like you.  They may not like you for reasons beyond your understanding but it must be accepted.  This is one of the hardest things to do.  Again, we are letting other people determine who and how we are as individuals.  There will be certain people that we desparately want to like us and approve of us that never will.  We must ask ourselves, why do we want this approval so badly from this set person?  What makes this person “God-like” that their approval is above my own or anyone else’s?  My counselor has alluded to the idea that the main person’s approval I need is my own.  My happiness must come from within.  BUT, this epiphany I feel like I am having in the moment has not come from her words or her “lessons”.  This was something I had to figure out at the time that seemed right for me.  I am sure being exposed to Alan Watts has also played a part.  I understand his viewpoint and it makes sense to me.  He speaks without judgment or without telling you that you must think this way or that way because if you don’t it will be detrimental to your well-being.  He shows you the importance of polar opposites and being aware of both.  Without one thing you cannot have or understand another.

We were all raised a certain way by our parents (again not all and I am only speaking generally) and there are several values and morals that have been instilled upon us.  In reflecting back, I take a look at which morals and values I truly believe in.  What did I learn from my parents that feels naturally right to me?  There are quite a few things that I can name but it is easier  to pick out those things I do not believe in.   as an adult now, living on my own, paying my own bills I can state what I do not agree with but growing up in their house with them paying the bills and providing me with clothing and shelter and food, I never would disagree with what they said.  I believed what they said because as a child they held a power.  Even currently they still hold a power.  It is them that gave me life.  So many would say that this is the greatest gift and we as humans are only spoiled and selfish if we did not cherish this and take everything in that they say.  I appreciate my parents giving me life and that will not be taken for granted but because of this I should believe everything they believe?  This “ultimate gift’ should determine who I am as an individual?  What if I do not want to have children?  Or what if I don’t want to be a boss of some sort?  Will I never be a source of power in which people listen to and believe is correct because of my title?  This doesn’t quite seem fair to me?  It almost sounds like my point is less valid because I didn’t take the road traveled by the majority.

I feel like if I keep revisiting this specific writing and certain specific lectures that I can hold onto this clarity…this realization and acceptance of self.  How I am feeling from one day to the next is ok…even if people tell me that I am fucked up or this or that I know that is not the truth because I am living.  I am doing what I feel.  I am being true to self.  It is not always easy to express oneself but it is easy to know oneself.  The hard part is being able to accept this person.  When you do not accept this person you are living in a state of constant conflict.  A state of constant anxiety and worry.  This anxiety and worry, it seems to be so obvious now, comes from desparately wanting the approval of others.  Once you keep telling yourself and realizing you are right that it is only YOU that can determine your happiness, I believe no unnecessary worry or anxiety will exist anymore.  Be who you want to be every single day without question but in the same do not try to make others be who you want them to be.  If you are having a battle behind head and heart and cannot figure which one to listen to, as hard as it may be, embrace the battle and realize that you are living and you are feeling this way in the moment because this is who you are.

I must revisit my statement of saying: Be who you want to be everyday but do not try to make others be who you want them to be.  The difficulty in this is unbelievable.  I believe as human beings we are almost built to try to persuade people in some way or another.  It all comes back to a certain degree of a need for approval.  When you live solely as yourself you sometimes need reassurance and when you convince others of your viewpoints and opinions this can be a reassurance.  The difficult part in this is sharing the opinion and being able to accept that others may not agree with you or have the same vision as you.  Sometimes they may and these moments are wonderful but when they don’t it is important to take a step back and remember that this person is their own self.  This person has walked different paths throughout life than you have and has been taught by all different people than you have.  Look at this as an opportunity instead of as being defeated.

If you question and doubt yourself take another step back and come to the realization that you are not being true to self.  You have once again made yourself stop living…stop living for you.  You are seeking the approval of others.  There will be people that will argue with you and get angry with you and try to convince you of everything that say and depending on your character you may allow them to (I know I have over and over again throughout life-I have let tons of people walk all over me and determine my fate).  Ask yourself, “what is it about this person that makes me believe that their opinion is more valuable than mine?  Is it because they say it with such strong conviction?”

I am dying to pour my heart out to someone.  I just don’t know who that person is.  I feel like I have shut the world out and that is not what I want.  I have closed myself off from the world and I have been on this journey for a while now.  I have dove into reading and have done a lot of philosophical searching to find myself.  What do I stand for?  What kind of person am I?  Who am I?  I recently read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and it was an absolutely amazing read.  This book is a constant reminder that all we have is now.  All that exists is now.  The past is the past and the future has yet to happen and we can do nothing to change either.  It is vital to embrace and accept the now.  I am desperately trying to focus on the now but of course my mind is always taking over and focusing on the what if’s and the millions of other questions that constantly swarm in and out.

There is so much I want in life and I truly and honestly do love myself as a person, as much as I have struggled with such self-conscious and self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember.  I have this passion inside of me that is unexplainable.  There are so many times in my life that I feel things that I am unable to name or completely unexplainable.  I believe this are moments of bliss and hints of enlightenment.

What  I am experience now is loneliness and I do blame myself for this.  I have hidden from the world.  I think I have changed so drastically as a person that I am still not sure how to handle this life.  I used to be the life of the party.  The wild and loud one that everyone knew.  The one that anyone could call to meet for a drink.  I am not at all that person anymore.   I prefer the way I am now because I feel like I am more in tune with myself (and yes a lot has to do with just growing up) but I am still kind of lost and confused.  I feel like I am in limbo and cannot quite figure out my direction.   I find people absolutely interesting and honestly I try my hardest not to judge and be open-minded (and this is not always easy)but besides a mere one or two I just  don’t feel comfortable in many situations, and that is not because of other people-it is because of me.   I think my past is still so heavily in my present that I am almost unable to function normally.  I have shut down because of frustration and internal pain and unease.

I sit here with tears in my eyes because of feeling this lost.  I am not looking for one person to feel sorry for me or pity me-I just need to get this out of my system.  I have never felt friendships the same way (well maybe a small few) here in SC the way I felt them when I was in NY.  I was myself when I lived in NY.  I dated a guy (somewhat recently) that had far too much baggage in his life and the timing was so off for us but I still think about him because talking to him was so easy-even if the topics of conversation were not.  I am dying to feel that comfort with someone again (and not necessarily in a romantic way).  I am so sick of being on this rollercoaster.  I know life is like that, full of ups and downs, but I would like to feel settled and happy for once-at least for a while.   My problem is that I have wired my brain to allow others to dictate my life.  I care so much about how others perceive me that I hardly ever express my true feelings.  This is where my discomfort comes in.  I am trying to rewire my brain to speak my mind (with discretion of course) and be open about my feelings.  It is not easy though when you have lived one way for so long to just flip a switch and be completely different.

I have secluded myself because I do not want to force relationships.  I may not always be able to say what I am thinking but I do believe you are drawn to certain people and not others.  It does not take long to know whether you are compatible with certain people (on any level) or not.  Why force yourself to hang out with certain people for the sake of not being alone?  Isn’t that worse?

Trust me, I know that feeling the loneliness that I am is my own fault.  I make my own choices.  I am just trying to figure it all out and figure out where I belong.   I do know that I do not belong in this area.  I have been here for almost 10 years and have fought the same internal emotional battle over and over again.  I will be blunt and say that the majority of men around here are very pathetic (not all just some-so don’t get your panties in a bunch if you are reading this boys) and this area is so tourist based.  My days of partying are over-I don’t care if other people do (trust me I have partied plenty in my life)-I am just seeking something different now.    I admit though, I am absolutely terrified to leave on my own.  My parents have always been my lifeline (especially my mother) and I hate the idea of being a distance away from them.   I want to seek friendships in other areas but I also realize that making friends at this age is not easy because most people have already established relationships or have settled down and got married and had children.  I know this sounds like I am just complaining non-stop but it is what I think about.  I don’t want to leave and be stuck in another area again with absolutely nothing or no one.  But I also realize that life starts outside of our comfort zone so I have a lot of thinking to do and the journey must continue—even if I am starting to get motion sickness from this rollercoaster ride.  I really hope I do get to experience that feeling of ease and comfort again because that is all I want.  I do not believe I am the person that is meant to be closed off from the world.  I guess right now I am just taking a break to figure out me and be who I want to be as opposed to who I think everyone else wants me to be.  I have lived behind a mask for so long to try to be who I think people want me to be (at times it has worked and at times it has completely blown up in my face) and I think I am slowly bringing the mask down and it has me scared and this is why I am hiding.  I fear showing my true self until I believe in this person as much as I possibly can.

I am ok.  I will always be ok.  Deep down I love myself and I know people that will love me unconditionally, I just needed to get this out.  I had been holding it in for a while now.  I am reaching out.  That is what my writings are all about.  I want others to know me and this is the way to do it.  I may not always be up front and honest in person (not saying I am dishonest) but in my writing I will always spill out all of my thoughts and feelings.  This is an inside look of who I really am.  I want to be lifted up and helped when needed but I also want to do the same for others.  I am stubborn and hate asking for help and showing vulnerability is almost impossible for me and this hurts me because a lot of people may think I am pushing them away when in truth I am dying to ask for help and advice and spill my guts about what I want and love and am afraid of, etc.  With this being said though, I have stumbled across so many people that will just nod their head and give me an mmmmm hmmmmm when you are talking to them or turn it all around and just talk about themselves the whole time.  I don’t want to just talk about me-I just want an equal give and take where both people can thrive from the relationship.  I have found that that can be very difficult to find.  But again, I must be more open and step outside of my comfort zone because people surprise me all of the time.  No matter what I will always TRY to put a positive spin on things-even when my head and heart are screaming on the inside.

There is so much I want and so many creative ideas that I have and I just need to shut up and take life by the balls and do them…even if it is by myself!