I am dying to pour my heart out to someone. I just don’t know who that person is. I feel like I have shut the world out and that is not what I want. I have closed myself off from the world and I have been on this journey for a while now. I have dove into reading and have done a lot of philosophical searching to find myself. What do I stand for? What kind of person am I? Who am I? I recently read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and it was an absolutely amazing read. This book is a constant reminder that all we have is now. All that exists is now. The past is the past and the future has yet to happen and we can do nothing to change either. It is vital to embrace and accept the now. I am desperately trying to focus on the now but of course my mind is always taking over and focusing on the what if’s and the millions of other questions that constantly swarm in and out.
There is so much I want in life and I truly and honestly do love myself as a person, as much as I have struggled with such self-conscious and self-esteem issues for as long as I can remember. I have this passion inside of me that is unexplainable. There are so many times in my life that I feel things that I am unable to name or completely unexplainable. I believe this are moments of bliss and hints of enlightenment.
What I am experience now is loneliness and I do blame myself for this. I have hidden from the world. I think I have changed so drastically as a person that I am still not sure how to handle this life. I used to be the life of the party. The wild and loud one that everyone knew. The one that anyone could call to meet for a drink. I am not at all that person anymore. I prefer the way I am now because I feel like I am more in tune with myself (and yes a lot has to do with just growing up) but I am still kind of lost and confused. I feel like I am in limbo and cannot quite figure out my direction. I find people absolutely interesting and honestly I try my hardest not to judge and be open-minded (and this is not always easy)but besides a mere one or two I just don’t feel comfortable in many situations, and that is not because of other people-it is because of me. I think my past is still so heavily in my present that I am almost unable to function normally. I have shut down because of frustration and internal pain and unease.
I sit here with tears in my eyes because of feeling this lost. I am not looking for one person to feel sorry for me or pity me-I just need to get this out of my system. I have never felt friendships the same way (well maybe a small few) here in SC the way I felt them when I was in NY. I was myself when I lived in NY. I dated a guy (somewhat recently) that had far too much baggage in his life and the timing was so off for us but I still think about him because talking to him was so easy-even if the topics of conversation were not. I am dying to feel that comfort with someone again (and not necessarily in a romantic way). I am so sick of being on this rollercoaster. I know life is like that, full of ups and downs, but I would like to feel settled and happy for once-at least for a while. My problem is that I have wired my brain to allow others to dictate my life. I care so much about how others perceive me that I hardly ever express my true feelings. This is where my discomfort comes in. I am trying to rewire my brain to speak my mind (with discretion of course) and be open about my feelings. It is not easy though when you have lived one way for so long to just flip a switch and be completely different.
I have secluded myself because I do not want to force relationships. I may not always be able to say what I am thinking but I do believe you are drawn to certain people and not others. It does not take long to know whether you are compatible with certain people (on any level) or not. Why force yourself to hang out with certain people for the sake of not being alone? Isn’t that worse?
Trust me, I know that feeling the loneliness that I am is my own fault. I make my own choices. I am just trying to figure it all out and figure out where I belong. I do know that I do not belong in this area. I have been here for almost 10 years and have fought the same internal emotional battle over and over again. I will be blunt and say that the majority of men around here are very pathetic (not all just some-so don’t get your panties in a bunch if you are reading this boys) and this area is so tourist based. My days of partying are over-I don’t care if other people do (trust me I have partied plenty in my life)-I am just seeking something different now. I admit though, I am absolutely terrified to leave on my own. My parents have always been my lifeline (especially my mother) and I hate the idea of being a distance away from them. I want to seek friendships in other areas but I also realize that making friends at this age is not easy because most people have already established relationships or have settled down and got married and had children. I know this sounds like I am just complaining non-stop but it is what I think about. I don’t want to leave and be stuck in another area again with absolutely nothing or no one. But I also realize that life starts outside of our comfort zone so I have a lot of thinking to do and the journey must continue—even if I am starting to get motion sickness from this rollercoaster ride. I really hope I do get to experience that feeling of ease and comfort again because that is all I want. I do not believe I am the person that is meant to be closed off from the world. I guess right now I am just taking a break to figure out me and be who I want to be as opposed to who I think everyone else wants me to be. I have lived behind a mask for so long to try to be who I think people want me to be (at times it has worked and at times it has completely blown up in my face) and I think I am slowly bringing the mask down and it has me scared and this is why I am hiding. I fear showing my true self until I believe in this person as much as I possibly can.
I am ok. I will always be ok. Deep down I love myself and I know people that will love me unconditionally, I just needed to get this out. I had been holding it in for a while now. I am reaching out. That is what my writings are all about. I want others to know me and this is the way to do it. I may not always be up front and honest in person (not saying I am dishonest) but in my writing I will always spill out all of my thoughts and feelings. This is an inside look of who I really am. I want to be lifted up and helped when needed but I also want to do the same for others. I am stubborn and hate asking for help and showing vulnerability is almost impossible for me and this hurts me because a lot of people may think I am pushing them away when in truth I am dying to ask for help and advice and spill my guts about what I want and love and am afraid of, etc. With this being said though, I have stumbled across so many people that will just nod their head and give me an mmmmm hmmmmm when you are talking to them or turn it all around and just talk about themselves the whole time. I don’t want to just talk about me-I just want an equal give and take where both people can thrive from the relationship. I have found that that can be very difficult to find. But again, I must be more open and step outside of my comfort zone because people surprise me all of the time. No matter what I will always TRY to put a positive spin on things-even when my head and heart are screaming on the inside.
There is so much I want and so many creative ideas that I have and I just need to shut up and take life by the balls and do them…even if it is by myself!