Day 292 Question 292

Day 292 Question 292:

What makes you different/unique?

I can’t help but think that I was meant to be born in the Eastern World at a completely different time.  I connect so much more with Eastern philosophies more than anything else and I always wonder why that is.  I struggle to accept and understand Western culture even if I am a part of it and partake in all of its advances.  I sometimes wonder why I fear the things that I do and why my anxiety sometimes gets the best of me?  I wonder why I always feel like an outsider amongst the masses.  This is not a pity part for myself….it is the curiosity of my mind.  I admire and adore people but truly relate to very few….as I am sure a lot do not relate to me.  I believe that this is my challenge in life sometimes…to find those things that make me most nervous and face them.

I have always said that I am a different person on the outside than I am on the inside.  Many have asked why and all I can really say is that it is all I really know.  On the outside there is not a lot of depth (at least not very often).  I am silly and quirky and portray myself as carefree and confident and usually outgoing.  Some people may even question my intelligence because the sarcasm and quick wit are what I use to amuse others.  I use sarcasm and a defense mechanism (well sometimes it is fun) and I am guarded around those that I feel insecure around (even if I hardly know them).  On the inside I am asking question after question that will probably never leave my lips.  I am studying what is going on around me.  Life is this grand mystery and I just keep diving into the depths of knowledge.  I know I will never really find any solid answers because I never truly believe in anything but I love hearing the stories along the way.  I want to know why other people do as they do and what makes them really tick.  I want to ask them about the things that fascinate me about them but also the things that annoy me.  I don’t like to share this part of me with many people (in person that is) because it is so personal and it is the part of me that I don’t want people to take for granted.  This person filled with passion and wonder is the part of me that is the most real and the most natural but it is also the person that can sometimes feel uncomfortable and nervous.  On the outside is false confidence and on the inside is the little girl wanting to ask a bunch of questions but is unsure of what to say because she doesn’t want to offend anyone.  I have become hung up on being so “politically correct” and worrisome of offending people that the dialogue in my head is never the same as the vocal dialogue spilling out of my mouth.  The reason I rarely share this side of myself with people is because once they become aware of these hang-ups it becomes a vicious cycle.  They start to wonder whether or not I am being genuine or whether or not I am putting on a front then I start to worry about how I am portraying myself.  I see a ton of scenarios play out in my head in just mere minutes.  I am genuine regardless.  I do not spout off lies and act “fake”…I just rarely show much vulnerability.  The vulnerability is there just sitting at the surface…I just can’t allow it to come out for just anyone.  It is rare that I feel a sense of complete comfort with anyone, which I realize is my own anxiety and insecurity.

I am currently pursuing my Masters Degree in Counseling and have decided to not pursue counseling itself but instead hopefully fall into the field of Human Services.  I want to get my hands dirty and work with youth and girls/youth/women and help them through hard times in their lives.  I want to work for an organization that gives back to the community and helps people rebuild their lives when needed.  I have seen counselors at different times in my life and some have been very beneficial.  It is always nice to talk to a stranger that can only be unbiased because he/she doesn’t know you and doesn’t know your life.  I have found though that so many counselors do their job straight out of the book (because they have to) and I don’t want those restrictions in my life.  If I am going to try to help someone I don’t want to be told what I can and cannot say and constantly walk on eggshells in fear that I am going to cross some “invisible line.”  I don’t want to mold people and tell them that their thoughts are right or wrong.  This life is already filled with too many limitations and I would want to be as genuine and honest as I could with someone and hopefully receive the same in return.  I have learned since getting older how much I am molded and how many of those molds I have had to break through because I realized they were shaped by other people and other ideals that were not my own.

I have spoken of soulmates at different times throughout this blog and I return here thinking that there are these people that wander into your life and seem to hang out on the same playing field as you.  As soon as you start to speak and interact you feel a connection…you feel that the guard does not even need to go up because somehow that person seems to get inside of your head.  This does not have to be a romantic link and I have always felt that soulmates do not have to fall in love (at least not on a romantic level).  It is my way of thinking that makes me unique and one of a kind.  Regardless of what society is screaming in my ear I choose to believe what feels natural to me….I hold onto what I believe God is not what church and the Bible tells me.  I believe in love my own way that brings me comfort not added stress.  I am aware of how easily we can be molded and I have to take the time to evaluate what I am feeling as opposed to what I am hearing.  I have found in a lot of cases those two things rarely coincide.  I have dove deep into my consciousness to find out more and more about myself.  My expression on the outside is minimal in comparison to my expression on the inside and my truths come out far more clearly in the written word than in vocal dialogue.  I don’t believe that anything has a solid answer so therefore the world is my canvas and I can paint the journey any way I choose and believe what feels right to me.  I truly believe that knowledge is the key to growth.  I may question truths but I still believe that it is important that we expose ourselves to as much as we can so we learn more about who we are as people…what we are naturally drawn to.  I am an artist and a wanderer in this life…..I am continually writing my own story and I cannot help but resist societal pressure.  If I want to make my life a fairytale then I will build my life in a way that will allow that to happen….but my fairytale does not need to mimic those in the books.  I think about the kid in class that constantly asks the teacher “when I am going to use this in life?” and the number of times the teacher blows off the question or scolds the child assuming he/she is being mouthy or just lazy (not wanting to do the work).  I never understood why teachers never answered that question with enthusiasm….it is a full-blown opportunity to show the kids even more of what is out in the world….an opportunity to possibly make them fall in love and find something that peaks their interest.  The basics are important (Math, Science, English, etc.) but I really do wish schools focused more on self-development and (for lack of better word) wonder.  I could easily spend 8 hours a day with kids of all ages and allow them to find their passions and their creative genius.  I would ask them the questions that were not asked to me so they had that opportunity to express themselves.  Teaching does not need to be one command after another and the hammering in of numbers and words…..the idea is there but the strategy is a little off (at least in my opinion).  I guess sometimes I do live in this world of fairies and unicorns and people might think my ideas are unrealistic and that is ok but I admit that I love this world I have molded for myself.  I love spending my days smiling a lot more than frowning and living to embrace the world as my own….allowing myself the child-like wonder and the opportunity to create in any form I choose.  I love the way my brain works and the way I am open to change (even as hard as it may be sometimes).

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3 Responses to Day 292 Question 292

  1. Lichtbender says:

    This is a very inspiring blog, Diane. I am sure your self inquiry WILL some day provide the answers you seek. And when it happens, you will see the whole world and your role in it in a completely different light. Up until then, enjoy the ride to self discovery 😉

  2. tjsweed says:

    As I read your blog, the thought of past lives came to mind. The world can think I’m completely insane (and usually does), however, I often wonder how much we really know about our life’s walk, what’s come before or what’s to come after. I don’t know that I believe ALL the hoopla out there, however, I think there’s an awful lot in this universe of which we are not privy to…things that God has put into motion in the spiritual world that we’ve not yet pinned down or got a grasp of. It’s possible there’s nothing but the concrete universe we legitimately see, but things that cannot be explained have a source- feeling comfortable with the Eastern World for instance??? Just curious N just a tidbit of food for thought…

    Wishing you the best in ALL your pursuits and with your personal journey!!!

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