Day 256 Question 256

Day 256 Question 256:

How do you handle criticism/judgment?

This may sound silly but I don’t understand how people can express their points of view vocally with so much ease.  Even through my blog I sometimes censor myself or don’t say every little thing that is going on in my head because I don’t want to offend anyone or I am just scared of the reactions of others.  I am a very sensitive person.  I have been for as long as I can remember and I have moments (usually hormonal moments) when I cannot figure out how to handle my emotions.  I question whether my feelings and thoughts are right or wrong.  Deep down I know I am going to feel what I feel regardless of what I think or whatever anyone else thinks and I think it is that that can scare me sometimes.  It makes me wonder if sometimes I am an ugly person on the inside or just completely naïve to what is going on around me.  I think the hardest part in all of this mental contemplation is that I know very few people that are similar to me.  I realize that variety is what keeps our minds strong and I love the variety.  I would also like the support and I feel like that is something that has been missing.  I would find it hard to believe that people DON’T want someone to relate to.  I haven’t related on a deeper level with anyone in quite some time and that bothers me.  I am not a complex creature (per se’) but I sometimes feel like an outsider in this huge world because I don’t know how to line up my feelings and thoughts….I continually question EVERYTHING!!

There will be times when people will start talking to me about what they think and the topic could be one in which they have no idea where I stand but they speak to me about it as if they are right and they know I would agree.  How do people speak with that kind of confidence?  How do people blatantly tell others that they are wrong?  I loathe and envy these people all at the same time.

I have spent countless hours by myself just thinking about how I truly feel….what feels completely natural to me.  I think about God a lot and it scares me that I do not have that natural connection and knowing that other people have.  I do not know if this “entity” (for lack of a better word) truly exists.  I am unable to hold onto a belief because it is something I just do not know.  It is easy for people to tell me to just believe and I could easily lie and say that I will from here on out but it would be a lie.  That is terrifying to me….it is terrifying to not have strong convictions like that because that means I have no idea what will happen to me after my time in this life is over.  Other people say they know there is a higher power and a heaven and I admire their belief…I don’t understand why I am so different.  I don’t think I am bad.  I actually think I am a very kind and giving person.  I guess I just question why I don’t believe (or am unsure) when so many people do with such ease????

As a child I would have never guessed life to be like this.  I am not upset about the life I live…it is just not the life I expected.  I have felt like an outsider since I was young (and not in a woe is me kind of way).  I vocalized very little of what I was truly feeling and I was trying to understand who I needed to be.  I watched everyone around me and I was sure I would grow up to be married and to have kids and the house and the whole nine yards.  I felt socially awkward for quite some time and struggled with my weight and I just figured I would blossom a little later in life but I would end up on the same path as everyone else.  I thought that was the way it was supposed to be.  It is not always easy being able to accept that you are different from a lot of other people.  Different is not bad…it can just be challenging when you are trying to figure out exactly where you fit in and the older you get the more you feel like you are racing against the clock to figure it out.  Yes, I overthink things and that is never going to change.  People can tell me to relax until they are blue in the face but there is no off switch to this beautiful brain inside of my head….it’s a gold mine and a menace all wrapped into one.  I have thought about piecing together parts of this blog and putting it into book form and sending it to potential publishers….I am apprehensive though in doing so because of the criticisms I know I would receive.  Criticism is inevitable and I feel completely beat down when I receive them.  I ask in complete seriousness, how do people handle criticism without letting it have a hold on them?  My confidence only holds up to a certain point because of my longing to question everything.  I am not confident enough in anything to say I know I am right.  In this moment I want to scream at the top of my lungs and say FUCK EVERYTHING!!!  My brain is completely scattered and to get my feelings and thoughts in sync feels nearly impossible.  I know it is my hormones…which is only adding fuel to the fire because I know these little chaotic mind meltdowns are going to be happening for at least 20 more years…probably more.  I think I am starting to understand why I am single…MYSTERY SOLVED (hahaha….I had to add a t least a little bit of humor in to save myself from crying like an emotional trainwreck).

Being a Sensitive Sally can be such a buzzkill sometimes.  I have wondered whether or not it was a sign of weakness or not and I think it can go both ways.  It just depends on how extreme the sensitivity goes.  As I have aged I have become less overtaken by harsh criticisms and I have dealt with things in a different manner.  I guess I am still working on that whole balance thing.  I get lost sometimes figuring out what it all means and who am I supposed to make happy.  I know the ultimate person I am meant to make happy is myself but there are others in line that hold great importance.  I have been taught by all of these varying figures in my life and it is difficult to just sit back and say fuck you to everything they have taught me.  Whose ideas and thoughts and knowledge are truly right and who are we supposed to listen to?  This is why criticism can be so difficult for me.  I feel these certain things within me and people try to tell me I am wrong or try to argue their point in hopes that they can sway me to believe what they believe.  I have this non-stop curiosity and when I am criticized or judged from my way of thinking or acting…it cuts like a knife.  People say to be yourself but when you are you are questioned and doubted and looked down on by some.  Yes, I believe in the expression: Stand up for what you believe in even if it means standing alone….but one person can only be alone for so long before the loneliness sets in.  Into the Wild is one of my favorite books and films of all time because this young man lived so freely and did not conform to what society and everyone wanted him to be but upon his last living days he wrote that no experience is as good if it is not shared.  Learning about the life of this young man changed my life and my way of thinking.  This change came naturally….it felt natural…it was not forced, I just felt a connection to his continual curiosity and longing for individuality over life among the masses.  Life among the masses has a lot of benefits but in the same, for those of us with great curiosity about what it could be like to not be “controlled” by government and societal pressure (and I fall victim to giving in myself), it can be quite exhausting.  For those of us with these kinds of curious minds, we are knowledgeable but we are unable to stop asking why.  We are unable to grasp why certain things are the way that they are…..we are unable to connect to certain things.  I don’t know if I am making any sense at all to anyone right now but it is what I am feeling in this moment so here are my words poured onto paper.  :0)

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14 Responses to Day 256 Question 256

  1. anthonyhellmann says:

    It really doesn’t matter what other think.
    Just speak your truth in a compassionate manor.
    If they take it offensively its about them and not you.
    I think that you are a great person, very profound and intelligent.
    As for God its what you feel not what others think the entity should be.

    In short the only thing that really matters is what you believe.

    Namaste.

  2. Tacey B. says:

    Wow! I really wish I knew you because you are in alignment with exactly how I think. How is that possible!??

    Spread Truth Love Peace Happiness

  3. alisha78 says:

    Interesting post. I think to some degree most people feel a sense of difference or ‘not fitting in’ even when they belong to a group or community or think the same way as others. Life wouldn’t be as interesting to read or see if we weren’t different.
    As for God and an ‘entity’ of some sort, again, I think everyone goes through the same ebbs and flows you described. For me, I have always known there was something beyond this life. I see this life as a test to learn and grown and then move on to something bigger and hopefully better 🙂 after I die. I can’t imagine just laying in the ground after I die. I firmly believe that families are eternal. We can be with our families after this life. That is what keeps me going some days.
    I too loved the movie Into the Wild and felt sadness at the end. There is a difference in being alone and being lonely. One can be among the masses and still be lonely. I think it is important to ask questions and be inquisitive otherwise you will be following the masses. Sometimes our answers lead us into the masses. There is nothing wrong with this as long as you are leading yourself and not following someone
    Good luck in your journey and I know you are not alone. Great post!

  4. ericjbaker says:

    I’ll bet people are a lot more interested in what you have to say than you think. Speak up! You’ll probably be surprised how good you feel. On the other hand, if you wait until you are upset and then react with frustration or anger, that’s when you end up with regret.

    When I’m apprehensive about something, I ask myself, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” If you assert yourself and ruffle someone’s feathers… Oh well. You can’t make everyone happy, and some people will be disappointed with you no matter what you do, so let them worry about their own hang-ups and anxieties. Not your concern. Being compassionate does not mean you have to take on everyone else’s burden.

    As for the God thing… I never felt it either, though I grew up attending church. I stopped going when I became a teenager. Later, as an adult, I went back – for the sake of my wife and her family’s wishes – for a couple of years, but then I got tired of pretending just to make others happy. About 9 years ago I abandoned all pretense. I am an atheist and feel no obligation to pretend otherwise.

    Follow your own path, but if it happens to be like mine, you are not obligated to justify why you feel the way you do. Frankly, if someone tries to pressure you into saying you believe in a deity when you don’t, it is their obgligation to do the explaining. They are the ones making the extraordinary claim, not you.

  5. Believing in yourself is one of the hardest things to achieve. I can say i was blessed with self confidence as a kid and it didn’t ebb until I got sick. It was being sick that taught me humility as I started to see others look down on me and think of me as less than themselves. It shocked me and then I started to believe them at times and that shocked me more. But through regaining my health and reading your blog as well as others and writing my own. I have gained perspective on myself. As such I have a restrained confidence now.
    What you said about being sensitive is not bad but it is a tool you will have to use and master for yourself. Emotions are simply a reaction to stimulus. With practice we can choose to react or not react to a situation. By being sensitive you are better at dealing with people and thus you lean to the service areas in jobs. IE waitressing and counseling. it is a gift you have that others may not be able to share. But all gifts can be a curse if we don not allow ourselves to be able to control them.
    Ok that just got way off topic.
    Diane you are lovely person. you have the strength and will to influence and be a positive force to those around you. I have never met you but I could almost call you a friend from a far based on how much I respect your views. Thank you.

  6. I do horrible with criticism. I argue, I cry, etc. BUT… I do listen and later I will think about it and come back and say “You were right….”

  7. rich says:

    i try to tell people that it’s all in the delivery. i have a close friend who will say things like, “why would you do something so stupid?” that’s not criticism. that’s a personal attack. instead, if she could say, “i was wondering why you did that thing…?” then, my answer will matter. there’s no way to answer the first question, which isn’t really a question.

    i welcome criticism, but i also wonder what the difference is between criticism and a good question?

  8. These thoughts are not peculiar to you. Everyone is unique and has both doubts and convinctions. Articulating your points, as you have done, often gives clarity to unanswered questions and unresolved issues. Fulfilment comes from living your own best life, resolving your own issues and finding answers to your own questions. Doubt leaves room for fear and fear opens doors to invasion, manipulation and destruction. Clarity directs you towards clearing your own doubts. This is unique; I would be glad if everyone can express their thoughts with this degree of clarity. This is worth sharing. I’ll try reblogging.

  9. Reblogged this on Wise Counsel and commented:
    I am reblogging this post as a classical example of how to express personal thoughts in detail. Criticism and judgement is not in our jurisdiction; they only compound issues for the individuals concerned. Arguments don’t convince; they confuse. But with thought, you can identify your uniqueness, your convictions and your most appropriate direction. Articulating your thoughts in details can help you identify your conviction on any subject that concerns you.
    People have opinions that they often impose. How do you react to opinions and criticism? What are your own convictions? Clarity can help you with identifying the unresolved. Fulfilment comes from resolution of issues, answering of questions and living in accordance with your own very convictions. Your thoughts, doubts and questions may not be the same as these but it is only in articulating them that you can identify the unresolved about your uniqueness. Identifying your own uniqueness, resolving the unresolved and living in harmony with your perfect design is the true secret of fulfilment. Conforming to the patterns of this world may make you look perfect before people but could create rebellion within. Try not to impose your own opinions and also try not to subdue your own unresolved opinions. Leaving unanswered questions often leaves room for panic, doubt and fear. These are signs of unpreparedness. Critisism does not disturb a resolute mind. Resolution starts from clarity. Clarity magnifies, identifies and demystifies.
    Who defines you? Critisism or clarity?

  10. adauphin04 says:

    I define myself. I don’t know if it’s a result of getting older, but I no longer care what people think of me. My ability to love myself (warts and all) and knowing who I am “shields” me from others’ judgments.

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