Day 256 Question 256:
How do you handle criticism/judgment?
This may sound silly but I don’t understand how people can express their points of view vocally with so much ease. Even through my blog I sometimes censor myself or don’t say every little thing that is going on in my head because I don’t want to offend anyone or I am just scared of the reactions of others. I am a very sensitive person. I have been for as long as I can remember and I have moments (usually hormonal moments) when I cannot figure out how to handle my emotions. I question whether my feelings and thoughts are right or wrong. Deep down I know I am going to feel what I feel regardless of what I think or whatever anyone else thinks and I think it is that that can scare me sometimes. It makes me wonder if sometimes I am an ugly person on the inside or just completely naïve to what is going on around me. I think the hardest part in all of this mental contemplation is that I know very few people that are similar to me. I realize that variety is what keeps our minds strong and I love the variety. I would also like the support and I feel like that is something that has been missing. I would find it hard to believe that people DON’T want someone to relate to. I haven’t related on a deeper level with anyone in quite some time and that bothers me. I am not a complex creature (per se’) but I sometimes feel like an outsider in this huge world because I don’t know how to line up my feelings and thoughts….I continually question EVERYTHING!!
There will be times when people will start talking to me about what they think and the topic could be one in which they have no idea where I stand but they speak to me about it as if they are right and they know I would agree. How do people speak with that kind of confidence? How do people blatantly tell others that they are wrong? I loathe and envy these people all at the same time.
I have spent countless hours by myself just thinking about how I truly feel….what feels completely natural to me. I think about God a lot and it scares me that I do not have that natural connection and knowing that other people have. I do not know if this “entity” (for lack of a better word) truly exists. I am unable to hold onto a belief because it is something I just do not know. It is easy for people to tell me to just believe and I could easily lie and say that I will from here on out but it would be a lie. That is terrifying to me….it is terrifying to not have strong convictions like that because that means I have no idea what will happen to me after my time in this life is over. Other people say they know there is a higher power and a heaven and I admire their belief…I don’t understand why I am so different. I don’t think I am bad. I actually think I am a very kind and giving person. I guess I just question why I don’t believe (or am unsure) when so many people do with such ease????
As a child I would have never guessed life to be like this. I am not upset about the life I live…it is just not the life I expected. I have felt like an outsider since I was young (and not in a woe is me kind of way). I vocalized very little of what I was truly feeling and I was trying to understand who I needed to be. I watched everyone around me and I was sure I would grow up to be married and to have kids and the house and the whole nine yards. I felt socially awkward for quite some time and struggled with my weight and I just figured I would blossom a little later in life but I would end up on the same path as everyone else. I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. It is not always easy being able to accept that you are different from a lot of other people. Different is not bad…it can just be challenging when you are trying to figure out exactly where you fit in and the older you get the more you feel like you are racing against the clock to figure it out. Yes, I overthink things and that is never going to change. People can tell me to relax until they are blue in the face but there is no off switch to this beautiful brain inside of my head….it’s a gold mine and a menace all wrapped into one. I have thought about piecing together parts of this blog and putting it into book form and sending it to potential publishers….I am apprehensive though in doing so because of the criticisms I know I would receive. Criticism is inevitable and I feel completely beat down when I receive them. I ask in complete seriousness, how do people handle criticism without letting it have a hold on them? My confidence only holds up to a certain point because of my longing to question everything. I am not confident enough in anything to say I know I am right. In this moment I want to scream at the top of my lungs and say FUCK EVERYTHING!!! My brain is completely scattered and to get my feelings and thoughts in sync feels nearly impossible. I know it is my hormones…which is only adding fuel to the fire because I know these little chaotic mind meltdowns are going to be happening for at least 20 more years…probably more. I think I am starting to understand why I am single…MYSTERY SOLVED (hahaha….I had to add a t least a little bit of humor in to save myself from crying like an emotional trainwreck).
Being a Sensitive Sally can be such a buzzkill sometimes. I have wondered whether or not it was a sign of weakness or not and I think it can go both ways. It just depends on how extreme the sensitivity goes. As I have aged I have become less overtaken by harsh criticisms and I have dealt with things in a different manner. I guess I am still working on that whole balance thing. I get lost sometimes figuring out what it all means and who am I supposed to make happy. I know the ultimate person I am meant to make happy is myself but there are others in line that hold great importance. I have been taught by all of these varying figures in my life and it is difficult to just sit back and say fuck you to everything they have taught me. Whose ideas and thoughts and knowledge are truly right and who are we supposed to listen to? This is why criticism can be so difficult for me. I feel these certain things within me and people try to tell me I am wrong or try to argue their point in hopes that they can sway me to believe what they believe. I have this non-stop curiosity and when I am criticized or judged from my way of thinking or acting…it cuts like a knife. People say to be yourself but when you are you are questioned and doubted and looked down on by some. Yes, I believe in the expression: Stand up for what you believe in even if it means standing alone….but one person can only be alone for so long before the loneliness sets in. Into the Wild is one of my favorite books and films of all time because this young man lived so freely and did not conform to what society and everyone wanted him to be but upon his last living days he wrote that no experience is as good if it is not shared. Learning about the life of this young man changed my life and my way of thinking. This change came naturally….it felt natural…it was not forced, I just felt a connection to his continual curiosity and longing for individuality over life among the masses. Life among the masses has a lot of benefits but in the same, for those of us with great curiosity about what it could be like to not be “controlled” by government and societal pressure (and I fall victim to giving in myself), it can be quite exhausting. For those of us with these kinds of curious minds, we are knowledgeable but we are unable to stop asking why. We are unable to grasp why certain things are the way that they are…..we are unable to connect to certain things. I don’t know if I am making any sense at all to anyone right now but it is what I am feeling in this moment so here are my words poured onto paper. :0)