Day 254 Question 254

Day 254 Question 254:

Can a “Friends with Benefits” relationship really work out in the long run?

Oh the age old question of whether people can successfully pull off the “friends with benefits” relationship or not.  Hands down the answer to this question is no.  Debate me if you choose  but I undoubtedly believe that at some point during all of the sexual escapades taking part between two “friends” at least one party is going to start growing those “more than friends” feelings….and as much as I hate to say it, it will probably be the girl.  The concept seems simple enough…I mean you have a great friend of the opposite sex and you are currently not getting laid and you really don’t want to be in a relationship right now so why not just have your cake and eat it too.  I mean you have the benefit of a great friend and also the benefit of getting your sexual needs met.  It seems like it should be that easy but it is not….I can only speak from a girls point of view here.  I truly believe that if a girl is willing to get naked with a guy friend and take on all of these sexual escapades then she had been attracted to him previously….she had thought in her mind what it would be like to date him or be in a relationship with him.  I do not have any guy friends that I consider great friends (and strictly friends only) that I would even consider getting naked with.  The attraction is just not there and let’s face it…girls are emotional creatures longing for a connection of some form.  Please don’t take my words as implying that women are weak by any means….I am just stating the natural way of most women.  We long for connections in all of our relationships and to jump into the intimacy pool…well then we must have been feeling an attraction that goes beyond just that of friendship.  I cannot speak for all women but I would guess that a majority would agree with me (even if they really didn’t want to).  A woman’s sensitivity (in my opinion) is a part of her beauty.  A woman wanting the fairytale romance as opposed to the wham bam and I am out is part of her charm.  Remember, I am strictly speaking for women being that I am one….I have absolutely no idea how guys think or what they want…hence why I am forever single.

I say these words easily seeing that I am in my early (almost mid) 30’s.  I am sure I would have spoken differently in my 20’s.  My late teens and twenties were all fun and games and talk about being in denial of my feelings and my wants and needs.  Friends with benefits, fuck buddies or one night stands are ultimately unfulfilling.  Sure, you may get the momentary orgasmic pleasure but once it is over you are back to being by yourself.  I absolutely love my independence but the idea of being with someone sexually that has no desire to know anything about me except for what is found in my nether regions and to simply use it for his own benefit alone has absolutely no appeal to me.  I admit that my former track record is not exactly appealing (not horrible but it does show that I made some pretty poor decisions in the past).  There was not one time when I gave into momentary weakness that I did not feel lower than low afterwards.  All I could think was what little self-respect I had and how I was still all alone….my momentary weakness gave me no long term gains….quite the opposite actually.  I am a pretty girl.  I do not say this with arrogance in mind but I could easily get a man to sleep with me.  I have not kissed a guy in almost a year let alone been intimate with one.  I have realized that the reason for this is because I have finally learned the value of self-respect.  I know what I want and what I need and there is no compromise anymore.  I have learned that everything in life is a choice and if I want to feel sad or depressed or lonely then that is my choice….why would I willingly do something knowing that the outcome would be these negative emotions????  It seems pretty silly to me.

As a majority of you know, I am not a church-goer and I question religion and the Bible all of the time.  I respect anyone and everyone that believes sex should only come with marriage.  I do not believe this way because I do not necessarily believe the same way a majority of people do.  I believe sex should come with love….I never understood that for the longest time.  I have rushed too many times in the past and what an ugly feeling that followed.  I have learned that our bodies and our minds are something to be cherished and appreciated….not something to be used for momentary physical pleasure.   Call me a prude if you wish but I now value love more than only momentary satisfaction.  I would rather spend time being celibate by myself than sacrificing my own happiness for a momentary pleasure that I think I might need in a mere moment.

This entry is not meant to insult anyone that may feel different from how I feel….I am simply expressing for myself…my beliefs and my feelings.  I have been the girl that felt the need to throw herself at guys because I thought that was the only way to get noticed.  I thought that is what all guys wanted….well after so many years and after so many relationships to nowhere, I learned that I was completely wrong.  If I meet a guy and he starts talking about sex with me within the first day or two, I head for the door.  I have had guys try to manipulate me by making me feel bad and telling me that by putting out initial restrictions that I am not letting things happen naturally (implying giving it up on the first date).  Well then I will allow them to believe that and I will choose to keep my self-respect intact.  I have worked in Early Childhood Development for several years and I can pick up on manipulation from about 10 miles away….if a guy tries to make me feeling guilty for setting limits for myself then that is his problem not mine….and he might need to evaluate for himself how much self-respect he really has.  Yes, it goes both ways!!!  I may not be in love but I know what love is and I know in a heartbeat that EVERYONE would choose this over simple, momentary physical satisfaction.  I say this with confidence because real love never ends and can you only imagine what a euphoric feeling that must be….AND you get the physical pleasure as well.  Some people that I know could read this and would probably fall off their chairs because this girl sitting here now writing these words is not the same girl from merely 4-5 years ago….and certainly not the same girl from my college years.  Life slapped with in the face quite recently and the silly games came to an end….my happiness was the only goal and I was no longer going to lie to myself…I was no longer going to sacrifice my wants and needs.  I had to be honest with myself about what I was truly feeling and when I finally did this and actually ACCEPTED this…my whole life opened up.  I stopped living to please everyone else and started living for me…now don’t get that wrong, I love doing for others more than anything but I do not live according to their expectations.  There is a big difference.

I started this blog in order to continually find myself but also in hopes that I could inspire at least one other person (if not more) to start their journey.  I have watched so many young girls hide who they are and waste their talents simply to impress a boy.  I have watched them expose their bodies and compromise their bodies to try to find “love”.  I don’t care what age anyone is…I think we all need to be reminded of our beauty.  Our beauty does not come from the outside….it is the strength we hold inside….the self-respect we have for ourselves.  Maybe I am getting preachy but I truly do not believe any young girl (tween/teen) should be exposing her body or “getting it on”….she needs to understand that those things do not make her mature or beautiful or popular.  At those young ages, no one can really understand the long term consequences of becoming physical with someone before you are ready.  Hell, at 33 I am still struggling to accept my body and learning about what my true wants and needs are.

I speak only in my opinion but I truly people that in theory the concept of friends with benefits is nice but in truth it will only lead to a bad place.  I would be willing to bet that a majority of friendships would eventually end once those boundaries were crossed.

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4 Responses to Day 254 Question 254

  1. Tee R says:

    I mostly agree with you but I disagree with the hands down “No” as an answer.

    The variables to this relationship are no different as to any other relationship, knowing how popular “breaking-up” seems to be nowadays even on conventional married couples, I would consider FWB to be equally afflicted.

    I have personally encountered a couple of situations where a next-of-kin was a long term “friend”, and “friend” being the word used by them, I later found out by family members that this “couple friend” have been “together” while having their own household all along, they vacationed together, spent holidays, shared a lot of time together for several decades… doing quick math, I figured they first met in their mid 30’s.

    I must admit that this is probably the exception to the “rule” but I figured that if I have encountered a couple cases, there must be more like them.
    Additionally, it seems more common on the elderly generation, but it takes on a different angle with the element of companionship and mutual assistance. On the opposite end of the expectrum would be the young kids trying to pull a FWB relationship… those I do not see flourishing much, so perhaps age and maturity are elements to be considered.

    So from what I witnessed from others and pulling a bit from personal experience… FWB is a viable as a couple wants to make it.

    Good read! Thanx!

  2. darylw1984 says:

    Thank you for being honest. As a father and pastor, I wish all young women could read this and take it to heart. The irony is that in “exposing themselves” before someone other than their husband, they won’t feel more beautiful but cheapened. Thank you for sharing your mistakes and the valuable lessons you’ve learned. I believe others can learn from your experience. There are many benefits with friends, but sexual intimacy is not one of them…unless your best friend happens to be your marriage partner! 🙂

  3. Oh yes, I totally agree with you, FWB is a utopia…

  4. Good for you. I applaud your wish to help others begin their own introspective journey. As a slightly older woman, I agree with everything you stated in this post. By far, the most rewarding and fulfilling sexual relationship I have ever had was the one that developed over time and involved true intimacy as opposed to physical release. Keep on going.

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