Mar. 30th, 2006 at 10:18 AM
Since I was a little girl I have been afraid. This fear has followed me through my entire life. I have grown up every year and every day of my life being a nervous person. I worry. I worry constantly. I worry about what others think about me and I worry about what I think about me. I worry about my rights and my wrongs and my beliefs and my understanding. I fight with myself in my head everyday. I can love the way I think and see the world in a moment and in the next I see my thoughts and bringing nothing but more problems–opening the door for more anxiety and fear. I am not a strong person and I admit it. I have fallen into being ignorant. I don’t stand up for myself and even when I think something I am always questioning whether it is right or wrong to think this way. I worry that when I am bothered by someone or something whether at some point in my life I have been guilty of the same thing. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I complicate life but life is complicated. I have a hard time because a lot of the time I don’t know how to express myself and I can’t pin point what exactly I am feeling. I sometimes feel like I am stuck in that middle ground–like I can’t choose one side. Rarely do I feel so strongly about something that I will argue my point of view. My mind allows me to see all points of views and a lot of times I can relate to both so therefore I am sitting in no mans land with no voice. In growing up I saw my father as a man that stood strongly behind his views on the world–abortion, war, politics, etc. In hearing his poiint of view for so many years I almost felt like I needed to take his point of view-like it was the right way to think and the right thing to do (he never made me though—this is just what I thought) and now growing up I have realized this is not how it is. I see where my father comes from in his points of view but I also see the different generations and personal ideals. I cannot choose because we are all so different—our pasts, our present, our experiences, our genders, our races—I don’t see how it is possible for only one view to be right when we all see through different eyes. The one thing I will fight for is peace and humanity—I wish the world of people would decide that life is about learning from each other and accepting our differences and taking them as they are but I can honestly say I do not see this happening through my life or many lives after mine due to our individuality. Not everyone thinks like I do (which is completely fine) therefore at some point there will always be a conflict of interests, values or beliefs.