I am having one of those moments. One of those moments when you want to know what it is all really about. What is my purpose? What is my destiny? What is my fate? I have come to realize through my studies and through my experiences that I am two very different people. I cannot share with people what is truly going on inside of me. I cannot let others see my vulnerability. I cannot let others see my fear and my weakness. I pose in front of people as loud and boisterous—and try to prove to them that nothing can break me, when in truth I am broken everyday by the materialistic and narcissistic world that surrounds me. I feel so much animosity and anger toward what I believe is ignorance in a large part of humankind. My annoyances and distrust of people strongly outweigh my belief in goodness. Do I like this? No, I do not but as the popular slang now says, “It is what it is.” Now don’t get me wrong, I am ignorant too. I don’t believe there is a soul that walks this earth that isn’t ignorant. But the difference between a majority of them and me is that I want to figure it out. I have a hard time accepting that our experiences are not leading us to something, not bringing us to a place that will show us the answer. Right now I look at myself and see someone that is terribly jaded. I have put myself in questionable and bad situations sometimes yes but I always wonder why history keeps repeating itself for me over and over again. I still do not know entirely who I am. I do not know what the most important things in life to me are. I want to learn about everything. My problem is that my past is still in my present. When one has been disappointed by repeat scenarios so many times, how do we not put a wall up and assume that most people are going to be that way? Who can we trust? Who can we believe? I have lied to others (big and small) so why should I think that others aren’t lying to me? I guess if I could I would be ignorant to it all but my mind does not work that way. In ways I have conformed to what society wants me to be but in other ways I fight every norm that is out there. I am not looking to go walk across the world to figure out my purpose. I have lived such a life that I would go into such culture shock that my mind and body would go into shutdown. I have become such an information and technology junkie that the thought of these things being taken away from me gives me small anxiety attacks. How sad is that? I want to meet one person that can really make me think. Someone that does not demean me but instead makes me see every aspect of everything out there. I want to meet one person that stirs up intrigue from the core of my being. I have yet to meet this person but if and when I do I am holding onto them with dear life. I want to share my thoughts and opinions without judgment. This person won’t contradict everything I say and think but elaborate on it and make me think in other ways that my mind had not opened up to yet. It is intoxicating to think of the knowledge the world has to offer and I want to learn about it all. I would love to experience much of the world firsthand but if this is not possible for whatever reasoning then I want to learn about as much as I can. I want to know what makes other people tick. I want to know why people do the things they do. I want to know what is the most important to others. I want to learn about people’s dreams and fears. I want to learn about cultures that are so different from my own. I want to know how people change themselves. Again, in learning what I have throughout life so far, it is stated that we are more or less formed to who we are going to be in middle childhood (ages 11 and 12 approximately). Our thoughts and habits have been formed and are pretty unbreakable. Is this true? Even though we grasp the concept of change are we really able to get down into our roots and change who have been programmed to be. My life has been filled with anxiety and self doubt. I don’t know if this is genetic or learned. I hate it so much but it is what I know. I would love to feel completely free and take risks and chances, travel as much as possible and experience something I never thought I would. I want to meet beautiful people (and I have my own definition of beautiful) that see the world as a blank canvas. The people that choose to paint their own picture as opposed to being placed inside of one that was pre-painted. With this being said, I am terrified. I am terrified of the unknown and of the consequences of my actions. My actions may have no ill intent but the consequences may not be good in all situations. I have felt pain throughout my life, both mental and physical, but I do not know if I have felt true, gut-wrenching pain. I feel that if I did I would die. My heart would literally stop because I would have no idea how to handle it.
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It’s a New Dawn…It’s a New Day…
For 365 days I answered a different question. I spent one year discovering myself more than I had my whole life. Every question remains on this blog and I hope that you do revisit each question starting at #1.I have decided from here on out that I am going to let the creative genius out as it comes. I do not believe in forced art...it must come natural. I am 34 years old and still discovering myself. I have moments of great peace and wellness and times of sadness and confusion that boggle my mind and exhaust my body. It is the latter that I have a hard time accepting and sometimes I need a palette to spill all of my thoughts and feelings out to make me feel better. So here I am. As readers I hope you are able to relate and I hope you enjoy the journey.
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