It has been awhile since I have sat down and poured my soul out onto a piece of paper. Ok well this isn’t exactly a piece of paper but if I ever decide to print it, it will be so bare with me people. I have felt the urge to spill my thoughts but the times always seem so inconvenient. I have been looking at my life lately to see where I am standing. I am trying to decide if I am happy with where I am?
So many people would never guess about me is that Love is what matters the most. I know he is out there and I believe I intentionally push all of the wrong ones away. I believe I will know the moment when he walks into my life…that is if he does walk into my life. I believe we all do have a better half that helps complete us but we may never find him or her. For all I know mine might be on the opposite side of the world waiting for me. It is an unknown whether or not our paths will cross. Maybe they already did but the meeting was so brief or the words exchanged were so minimal that the moment just passed us by.
In so many circumstances of meeting and communicating with people I spend most of the conversation evaluating myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I listen to what others say and I take it in with completely sincerity but when I am due to speak I am fixated on thinking about how I am conveying myself to others. No 2 people are the same so therefore no 2 people are going to have the same interpretation of me. I would just love (and probably hate) to have people give me a complete evaluation of how they view me after a conversation or “hang-out” session has finished. Obviously, this will most likely never happen and would change me from being who I am but wouldn’t you find it interesting to learn about how people view you? I mean, think about it…you are telling a story and the person/people you are surrounded with give much commentary and seem to enjoy the story with laughter but when the story comes to an end and you ask for an evaluation you are shocked by the responses. You were described as annoying and over the top. Your intentions were only to make people smile because this is what makes you feel most at home and comfortable with yourself. These are people you really like and care about. Where do you go from here? I do realize that this is the reason we don’t get evaluations from people on how we act. First there is no time and it would be nothing but awkward. People would most likely not be 100% honest with their thoughts because most people do not want to hurt others feelings. BUT, these are the thoughts that bounce into my head every day and for the last 6 months or so I have been overwhelmed with the thoughts of how I am perceived. I can be told 1,000 times that what others think is not important but I do not believe that for even one second. What others think and how we are treated molds us.
I am always looking for answers to the questions that are most likely unanswerable.
I have been asked 1,000 times over why I am single. I am not entirely sure why people ask me this. I suppose it is for various reasons. Next time I am asked that I am going to ask them why they are asking. Anyhow, I am starting to believe that a main reason that I have yet to focus my attention on one person is because I have not felt that longing to know more. I want to experience such intensity with someone that I know my words are heard and truly thought about. I want someone that can speak to me and turn my whole world upside down and make me want to learn about so many new things. I am driven by knowledge and new experiences and thus far (without intentionally insulting a whole bunch of people or making myself sound pompous) I have yet to find that person that makes me feel driven in that way. I believe the right person that completes that part of the puzzle that MAY be missing will not only hear you but will feel you. Who I am on the inside and who I am on the outside never seem to be the same person. The person that will ‘’complete’’ me will know both of these people and will know just through their senses and my actions how to ease my anxiety and just live.