I need to get back to my meditation. I feel more clear now than I have in most of my lifetime and I still stand behind my convictions but I need to return to those moments of mental rest and allow my body to be more at peace. I need to give both my mind and body a rest. I feel so much deep within me but I am tired. I may give my body time to rest but I have not given my mind or soul time to rest in far too long. I know this because my self-doubt is holding on a little too strong right now.
I am always looking for the answer to the question “why?” I don’t know what my spiritual beliefs are but I have heard many times that “God does not give us more than we can handle” and “Everything happens for a reason.” I do believe we each have a path for some reason or another and I guess sometimes that is maddening to me. It does not make me angry I just wonder (over and over again) if there really is a time that we will find or understand this purpose or our reason. What is real and what is not? Are we all in control of our own destiny?
I was given a book recommendation by a new soon to be coworker (I will get into that in a different entry) called “What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love and Marriage”. There was an excerpt in the book that I would swear was written about me. It went as follows: “I am an altogether different person than I was three years ago. My friends and family may not have noticed, but I am almost unrecognizable to myself at times. My outlook is more optimistic. I’m less judgmental. I have vastly more patience and self-control. I’m a better observer. I get along better with people. I have a peace of mind that comes from the world making so much more sense to me.” I am undoubtedly a different person than I was 3 years ago….hell even from just one year ago. I love this person I have become but I still struggle with the thoughts of the person that I once was and the decisions I once made. I know the past is in the past and there is no going back to change it but I can’t help but think about what my reputation still is to other based on those poor choices once made in moments of weakness and self-loathing. I spent so many years never taking the time to see or love myself and just made one detrimental choice after another and these choices still leave me with lingering feelings of embarrassment and anger. There are people I hope I never see again because I don’t know if they will ever see me as more than the mess of a person that I was at one time past. Again, I know that it is only this moment that matters and how far I have come….but the thoughts are still there whether I like them or not. That knot still sits in my stomach when I happen to think back to a time when I drank too much and made some very questionable choices….choices that made me look pathetic, slutty and all and all ridiculously insecure. At one time I could have been the butt of everyone’s jokes because of the stupid decisions I made. I know now that I had absolutely no self-respect. It was never about anyone else….it was me just fighting my inner demons and believing that these poor choices were what was going to get me noticed and loved (if only for a moment). I could not have been more wrong.
I am secure with myself now….well way more secure than I ever used to be. I am a female so it goes without saying that in moments insecurity is a given. It is strange though but this security came when I spent more time alone. I knew I had to distance myself from certain people because an energy within me knew that the relationship was neither beneficial to me or to them. I have grown to no longer be fake and I cannot force relationships with people. I would rather spend time wrapped up into a book or trekking away on the elliptical at the gym than forcing myself to befriend someone that shares no common interests of mine (and vice versa)…just for the sake of having a friend. I will ALWAYS look for the good in people and I love telling people (even strangers) the good things I see in them but this is not a friendship make. Like I have always said with romantic relationships, the same goes for friendships, they should be natural. When a relationship is forced we are making ourselves do unnecessary work that will probably reap little or no benefits. I realize that this mindset of mine may push some people away and may make others think that I am pushing everyone away. I can’t make people see or understand my vision. This is why I have spent a good amount of time by myself. I no longer want to have fake and forced relationships. Life passes us by at a record speed whether we want to believe it or not and I want to look back in 30+ years and remember the genuine relationships I had and the people that changed me with their wisdom and their outlook on life. I want to look back and see that my relationships were made up of give and take and all parties came out better because of that.
As human beings we are molded (myself included). We have been exposed to so much in this world that sometimes our thoughts and our actions are not truly our own. We act, react and overreact to everything because we have been shaped by someone or something that surrounds us. This is not always a negative thing….it is just something that many do not notice as they saunter through everyday life. People have told me many times throughout my life that I worry too much and I think too much but what they don’t realize is that I am constantly observing my own behaviors in order to try to do what I think is most suitable for the situation at hand. It may be easy to say to me, “Just relax and go with the flow” but sometimes that mentality only makes a situation worsen. My self-awareness has great potential to make almost every situation I come into better. The way I handle a situation can play the main part in how all actions play out. Do you follow me? I avoid confrontation and telling people that they are wrong as much as possible (even if deep down in my gut I feel like they are wrong) because I am aware of those things that I have potentially been guilty of and without living in the mind, body and soul of another person I cannot possibly understand their motives or intentions. I can only make assumptions and we all know what happens when we do that. If you read my 365 day blog entries you can not only see but feel the continual evaluation and evolution of self. I do not do this strictly because I want to please others. I do this so I can make as many situations for myself as pleasant as possible. I know there are no benefits to anger and rage. I know no good will come from being confrontational and ugly. If anything, the consequences of those behaviors would be the exact opposite of what I was striving for. So, although I may think and feel as if something is wrong, I must remember that I will never truly understand another’s motives and I must move forward and draw my attention elsewhere. I must not chase those people and situations that will be of no benefit to my life. I have done that so much in the past and the results have always been the same. Although this life is confusing and with this confusion can sometimes feel like a heart piercing loneliness…this life is mine. I cannot help but feel that I do have complete control of my own destiny because I am unable to see what is only on the surface. I have dove deeper into my consciousness and there is no chance to ever resurface…..what has been seen cannot be unseen. I know this probably sounds like just a bunch of nonsense and words just strewn together but to me it makes complete sense. My thoughts are so little of who I am. It is so much more than that and I offer my words in hopes to meet others that can understand what I am not only saying but what I am feeling.
I seem to do my best thinking when I am at the gym. It must be all of those endorphins bouncing around my brain. My body may physically spent but my mind seems to always be clear as day when I am working out. I can be surrounded by people but feel like this is my place of seclusion where my truest and most clear thoughts swarm into my brain. Things in my life right now seem to be panning out…knock on wood. I keep getting closer to the goals I have set forth for myself. I started this new blog about a month ago (give or take) and as of this morning I am down 8.6 lbs. and I am unsure of how many inches (2 weeks ago it was 6 inches). I still have a trek ahead of me to reach my weight and body goal but my determination levels are through the roof and when I progress I don’t stop until I get what I want. I do hit walls sometimes though. I have yet to stop comparing myself to others. I have yet to stop assuming others think I am not good enough because of my body or my imperfections. It is all part of the process called life…I know this but it is never simple to just switch off these thoughts and abandon them completely. I believe that change is possible but relapse is almost inevitable. I believe it is the relapse that strengthens us though…..it is the test that we need to prove to ourselves how strong we are.
I sometimes get these momentary images in my head….the images of wonder I like to call them. Today while at the gym I turned on a song that ALWAYS seeps under my skin and makes me feel anything and everything all in one moment. The song is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol. I have never been the person to believe that my life would be complete once I had a boyfriend or better yet a husband. I have needed to constantly prove to myself how strong I am independently and if someone were to come into my life it would be a bonus not a completion. I hurt on the inside though because I know that I have given up on trying to put myself out there. I sabotage myself by assuming I am not going to be good enough for someone and I worry and worry and worry some more. My past is still in my present and I am fully aware of it. This morning while I trekked along on the elliptical I imagined myself in a white wedding dress with a man’s arms wrapped around my waist. I couldn’t see his face….I didn’t need to. We stood in the middle of the dance floor and started to dance our first dance together as a married couple and when the song began (Chasing Cars) my eyes swelled up. I looked at him and said, “Thank you for finding me.” It may sound silly but sometimes when you wander through life you are able to see all of the beauty (which I do) but sometimes you feel lost and you feel like you are waiting for someone but you don’t know who that person is or why you are looking/waiting for them. I know how beautiful I am both inside and out but I hide and I do know that it will take a lot of digging for someone to find the real me….it will take someone really wanting to. In my daydream I thanked this person because he found me in all of my chaos. I thanked him for really seeing me as beautiful instead of drama-filled because of my intensity.
This blog was started to focus on my health journey but I feel the need to get my thoughts out into the universe….writing is my sanity and my guide to health. Health is such a generic word with an endless amount of definitions. I understand the difference between being alone and being lonely. I am alone a lot and most of the time I am ok with it….I actually embrace it because I am able to collect my thoughts and feelings and dissect them as much or as little as I want to. It is my time to understand and love me….to have that relationship with myself that I had lacked and taken for granted for far too long. With that being said, I do sometimes feel lonely because I want to experience things and talk until the wee hours of the morning with someone and there is nothing but empty space. This blog is my drug….it is my ticket to serenity. Over the past few weeks I have had moments of loneliness and with loneliness comes self-doubt and the typical question of, “What is wrong with me?” or better yet “Why not me?” No, I don’t understand why not me but I also don’t think I am meant to. I can’t help but think that I am here to face these challenges and find this inner strength. I truly believe I hold a lot of power…..a lot of influence and there is nothing that can interfere with that….even if it may take time. I question the existence of God (as most people already know) but I can’t help but feel a power of some sort that is guiding me in a particular direction and although I experience these moments of loneliness I am being challenged….I am being pushed in a particular direction to make changes and make a difference somehow or another. I have needed to find this person (me) that has been aimlessly wandering for so long and although I still wander I wander with purpose now.
I went off the beaten path today. I plan to regroup in the next couple of days to share some new pictures of my body and weight changes as well as measurements. I hope everyone stays tuned in! All of my love!!!
It has been a hot minute since I have thrown my thoughts out into cyber space. I have been up to my eyeballs in new job stuff and working an abundance of hours and spending as much time at the gym as I can get in that when I do have a little bit of free time I am just spent….both physically and mentally. I am not complaining though….I work best when I am constantly on the move and challenged in some way or another. As much as I whine that I need down time, when I do finally get it I act like I have ants in my pants. I am usually not one to just relax and be completely lazy (ok well once in a while I might give in but rarely am I at complete ease).
Anyhooooo, the other day I was at the gym and after doing my hour on the elliptical I decided to do an extra 25 minutes on the stationary bike. I sat down and not long after this woman took the bike next to me. I glanced at her knowing I had seen her there a few other times. This woman had the worst facial plastic surgery I had ever seen and a boob job that was entirely too big for her frame. Ok, before anyone flies off the handle, I am not throwing out insults to the world of plastic surgery, I just couldn’t get the image of this woman’s face out of my head and the reasoning behind her choice to do such drastic altering to her face and body. I wondered if she was pleased with the results because in complete honesty, as an outsider, she was not pleasant to look at (I apologize for being so blunt but it is true). She, literally, looked made out of plastic. There was nothing natural about her and I could not even guess her age. If I had to I would wager to guess that her and I were not too far off in age….I am 34. All of the procedures aged her terribly.
My telling you this kind of goes off the beaten path of what I normally discuss (weight, health, etc.) but I just couldn’t get it out of my head. I spent a lifetime loathing my body and my imperfect teeth and my nose that seemed just a little too big but never did I desire to go under the knife for the simple “fix”. I understand plastic surgery to an extent. I understand a woman with very small breasts getting modest implants but I do not understand the woman that has a body very suitable for her frame that goes and gets implants that make her look as if she has basketballs glued to her chest. I am not insulting…I am just trying to understand what makes that appealing? Why go to SUCH an extreme?
I wish that more women had a different perspective on beauty. I wish women (including myself from time to time) could just strip down and see how beautiful they are….even with imperfections. My mother always assumed I had a “type” when it came to men but never was that the case. I have dated very attractive guys and very “average” guys. What appeals to me most is the beauty within them….the ability to connect in a world that rarely allows that to happen. We live in a world full of brainwashing whether we choose to believe it or not. Every image we see on the computer screen or the television screen impacts us and we have to put in effort to not let those images define or control us….we must be our own individual and live in a manner that feels most natural to us. Yes, this can be hard as hell to do, but in the end it is 100% worth it!
I am asking you to read this entry with an open mind and stop yourself from making assumptions about my way of thinking or living. I understand the need and want to look good. If you want to rock an amazing dress and 5 inch heels and feel sexy then by all means do it. What I am saying is to not let just your physical-self define you….don’t let everyone else define you…..do not let society define you…do not let magazine covers define what a woman should look like. I tell you this because you are beautiful and I will guarantee that going to an extreme to meet some “beauty” requirement will not fix what is going on with your emotional self….it will not be the answer you were looking for. Beauty is so much deeper than so many girls and women know. What is on the surface is so superficial in comparison to what anyone has on the inside….the true person that they are. We all have been one a certain journey and it is that journey that makes us beautiful….not the clothes we wear or the number on a scale. I truly believe that what women (and people in general) need is to have a moment to learn and feel what they are MOST comfortable with….find what does define them. We live in a society of sheep that move in herds because the media and our peers and even our families are telling us that is how we have to live and how we have to look while we live that life. I started this blog over a year ago because I learned that writing is what makes me beautiful….it is the most honest me. I have found my happiness and I refuse to ever let it go again….or allow anyone to be a puppeteer and control my happiness or my anything for that matter. I have chosen to change my body in a manner that is natural….through healthier eating and exercise. I could take the easy route and get fat sucked out of every part of my body that I hate but I KNOW that the feeling of accomplishment would not even compare to reaching my goal on my own. I guess I wrote this entry to remind women (yes, I guess I am focusing on women) that everyone’s goal should be to be healthy but never will you hear me say “I want to be skinny” because first off that is just not going to happen and secondly being healthy has much better rewards.
I may sound repetitive and redundant and I do not care because I know there are women (actually women and men and young girls and boys) that need to hear these words because no one else is saying it to them. I was a young girl that loathed her body from as young as I can even remember and at 34 years old I am over that….I am done with the struggle and the exhaustion of worrying about how I am perceived. I have flaws and imperfections and it is those things that make me human and if I am going to be judged based on those things then it is the other person’s character that is questionable…not mine. I share these words in hopes for young girls and women to reread them when they need this reminder….to see themselves in a light that is defined by no one else. I shared the images above and below to allow you to define what you think is beautiful….I would be surprised to hear anyone say the after picture. We have these bodies that are our temples and they should be treated with the utmost respect because that is where we live (and trust me sometimes I disrespect my body). To alter our bodies so drastically for the sake of “beauty” and “fame” should never be an option and in my opinion this “epidemic” needs to end!
I have made progress! I have pushed myself…even when I wanted to just lie in bed all day. I measured myself on January 22nd and since the scale doesn’t move much for me I decided to measure myself today to see if the work I had been doing was paying off at all. Well, after the unveiling of the numbers I have lost 6 inches in a matter of 11 days (probably more since I had started the journey even before that). The hard work is paying off and I feel great….not only physically but mentally and to be honest I prefer the mental health benefits over the physical health benefits by far. This journey thus far has shown me what I am capable of and the drive I have within me. I, of course, still have more changes to be made (eliminating a lot of processed food—even if it is Lean Cuisine but in this moment I would like to bask in my achievement. I want to tell my readers that their struggle does not need to be a struggle but instead a challenge. I mean who doesn’t love a good challenge? Who doesn’t love reaching a goal that we never thought was possible?
I have heard a quote by Kate Moss over and over again and she said at one time, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” These 7 little words disgust me. Young girls will stand in the mirror dissecting every inch of their body and long to be thin without knowing that it is far more important to be healthy…plus Kate Moss has been known to put some white powder up her nose (and yes there is photographic proof) from time to time…is this really someone we should be listening to? Sorry, she may be a nice person and maybe she has obtained a healthier lifestyle now but those 7 little words have been engraved in the minds of not thousands but millions of women all over the world and those 7 little words have caused women so much pain and suffering caused by anorexia, bulimia and mental anguish due to the hatred of their own bodies. I am a curvy woman. I am 5’8 and the lowest weight I ever got to was 137lbs and I still had curves and heavier thighs. I have been a yo yo on the scale since I was a pre-teen (or I guess the modern day term is tween). When I was 137 lbs (I was 20 years old) I was starving and I still looked in the mirror and was unsatisfied. My father never told me until recently that during that time he was worried about me because I was starting to look sunken in the face and chest bone. I never saw that though….I would never be thin enough. I am 34 years old now and for the first time I am at peace with my body. I do not LOVE my body but I am ok with the imperfections that I know I will carry with me through life. I now know that my body does not define me….it is simply my home that needs to be nourished properly….so I am able to live a long life and accomplish all of those other things that DO define me. I posed these questions to myself and I wanted to pose them to my readers…especially those that are going through the same struggles (I am going to submit them in an upcoming entry—I wanted to give my friends on this journey the chance to think about these things). I think it is important to see the “problem” for what it is and see what you are truly feeling before you make any changes. We can say we are going to change but if our heart isn’t in it then those are simply just words.
1) What is your goal?
2) Is that goal realistic? (Don’t answer quickly, think about this question)
3) If that goal is realistic, how do you plan on reaching it?
4) What has set you back in the past? Why have you “failed” (for lack of a better word)?
5) What scares you?
6) Do you believe you can do it? Why or why not?
7) What are your weaknesses? What do you struggle with then trying to lose weight/get healthy?
8) Do you love yourself? Why or why not?
9) In your opinion, what does it mean to be beautiful?
10) Do you have a strong support system? If not, why?
I posed all of these questions because I think they all tie into the way we see ourselves. When we answer these questions with brutal honesty we are able to see how we view ourselves…and sometimes that view can be a really ugly one. I know every person on this earth has beauty within them (with some it is hidden behind ugly behaviors). Until I came to grips with how I really saw myself I was unable to make any changes….I was living in a box wrapped with chains. No one should have to confine themselves because they hate the way they look. With that being said, the media and societal pressure to look a certain way does not make it easy for many to hold their heads high with confidence. I guess I am old-fashioned in ways and I don’t understand how society has turned so superficial….how a person’s looks have become more important than their depth. I guess that is why I am here. I am not only reaching my hand out to any and all of those people that need words of encouragement or support but I am also reminding myself that what I look like will never hold a candle to who I am!
This entry is to yell at all of those people (including myself) that constantly degrade themselves internally!!! Read this page every single day…we need this reminder in our faces! You are more than a number on a scale! You are beautiful! You have started the journey toward wellness and the only thing that can get in the way of that is YOU!!! Don’t aim to be skinny. Aim to be healthy. So stop bashing yourself and start enjoying this journey! Learn others stories. Educate yourself about what others think it means to be healthy. Stop obsessing over the number on the scale and notice how much better you feel when you change your lifestyle. Nothing happens overnight so be patient (I have to remind myself of this all of time). Surround yourself with people that are going to support you 100% and rid yourself of those that have no faith in you (trust me you know the people I am talking about). Love yourself for who you are and choose to get healthy so you can enjoy a long, healthy life….do it for you…not for anyone else! Do not let anyone else’s negative opinions be the voice in your head. The only voice you should listen to is your own and you sure as hell better be complimenting yourself and praising yourself and pushing yourself to keep moving forward (even when you so desperately want to give up)! If you don’t see how beautiful you are (no matter how much you weigh) then that is the first thing you MUST face in your journey….you need to ask yourself why you are not beautiful and then you must tell yourself that you are lying. Because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!! My journey here is not to be aesthetically pleasing to everyone that sees me. My journey is to feel comfortable in my own skin and enjoy the way I look and feel. My definition of beautiful has nothing to do with being skinny. Beauty is a state of mind….a confidence in the gifts that we each have….those unique gifts that make us different from the masses.
I gift you the gift of these motivational pieces so you can look at them daily and remember that this beautiful journey is well worth it. Revisit this piece over and over again when you feel like giving up or when you feel like binging. We need reminders in life to keep us healthy and balanced. We all fall sometimes but we must not stay down. I beg of you to stop degrading yourself and start believing in your own strength….I promise that it is within you!
Do You Make Excuses? Do You Place Blame? Do You Allow Your Past to Control Your Present?
For any of us that are overweight or have struggled with weight and body issues, we can ask over and over again until the moon turns to cheese, why? Why me? Why have I had to be one to struggle with my weight? Why do I have big thighs? Why can’t I have the body type of a Victoria’s Secret model? We need to stop asking the question of why. In many cases we already know the answer. We are the ones that have indulged in unhealthy foods while sitting on the couch instead of taking the opportunity to get up and move….to get that metabolism going. What is done is done though. Regret serves not once ounce of purpose because the past is the past and there is no way of getting it back….there is no starting over or making different choices. I don’t say these words to make anyone feel bad. I believe that life works naturally and as silly as it sounds I think that those of us with weight and body struggles have been given that life because we are being challenged. I think we are being given an opportunity to overcome and to challenge ourselves. We have this moment right here right now to make good choices and to change our lifestyles for the better…..it is ONLY our choice….no one else’s. For so many years I placed blame on everyone and everything else for the hatred of my body. Not once person shoved McDonalds food down my throat or pinned me down on the couch so I couldn’t enjoy the beautiful day outside. I allowed myself to live in my own misery and every day I attended my own pity party (and I was the only guest). I have no right to be angry about the shape or weight of my body or the condition of my health because it was ME who put me in this place and you better believe that it is ME that is going to make all kinds of improvements. I, right here right now, am taking ownership and responsibility for my body because I want to live a long, healthy life and not only imagine doing certain things but actually do them. I want to not detest summer season strictly because the amount of clothes needed is much less. I don’t want to be thin….I want to be healthy!!!
In life it is inevitable that people are going to be cruel. People will not like the way we look or the choices we make. For a very long time I was chained to the opinions of others. It was fairly recently when I realized that when we degrade others we are only trying to make ourselves feel better about our own issues. I know this is something that has been said over and over again but for a long time I just blew it off….never took in the meaning and the truth to it. I examined myself and realized that I was a culprit, like many others, because I had all of this internal self-doubt and self-loathing that I was not admitting. I knew it was there but I never wanted to believe it….I never wanted to show weakness or be at fault. I held onto anger because I never wanted to show vulnerability.
Next time you say to yourself, “I Can’t!” Follow that up with asking yourself, “Why not?” And truly listen to what your answer is. I am going to guess that very few answers are going to be valid. At this point I have lost between 50-60 pounds. I know I can….I just get lazy and that is never a nice thing to admit. I get slack when it comes to exercising and I convince myself that “I really didn’t eat too bad today.” Three years ago I tipped the scales at 249 pounds. I would like to say this is the heaviest weight I have ever been but honestly, I think that number was higher at one point but I never wanted to face it. I look at pictures from that time and I can’t believe I ever let myself get to that point and I feel sad knowing how little self-respect I had. I don’t linger on that time….I allow it to motivate me. Right now I am at 200 pounds. I am far from my goal weight but I have made progress. I realized though that I got too comfortable and I stopped trying once I reached this mark (fluctuating about 5-10 pounds more). Well, I don’t want to just live comfortably….I want to live a life filled with adventure….I want to feel good a hell of a lot more than not! What I have learned is that there will never be progress until you are stripped and completely honest about yourself….when you admit to all of those things you feel embarrassed about and accept that you may have made poor choices…..you accept that it is all a part of living. Until you do that you will only continue to make excuses and continue to lie to yourself. Trust me, there is nothing easy about doing it but once you do you feel a huge sigh of relief….you discover that your biggest critic and your biggest enemy was you!
Now that you have taken the time to self-evaluate, ask yourself this…”What am I afraid of?” Were you able to come up with a legitimate answer? Trust me, I do not have all of the answers here at all because I am still working on my own struggle….getting to that balance of healthy mind and healthy body. What I do know is that we are each in control of our own lives and for myself I needed to face my demons and admit to a lot of things that I was not proud of….and once I face them to move forward instead of linger. I remember being in my old apartment getting dressed (about to put on my size 22 jeans) and standing in front of the mirror and just breaking down into uncontrollable tears. I was so sickened and ashamed of my body and all of the unhealthy habits that I had. I will say it one thousand times over that I believe everyone is beautiful regardless of their weight, size or shape. I am strictly speaking here from a health point. It is no secret that being overweight or obese is not good for you in any way, shape or form. The day that I stood in the mirror and cried I KNEW I had to change and I knew it was going to be painful and time consuming and feel next to impossible but I HAD to do it. I changed so much and I became healthier but the journey is far from over. I paused for a while and sat stagnant and now that my mental and emotional state are in the best place they have ever been it is time to take on the remainder of this journey in full force. I have it in me and I know it but I have asked so many to join this journey with me because knowing myself so well I know I will need a helping hand or words of encouragement from time to time. With that being said though, I also want to be the encouraging voice in some young girls and women’s heads as well because we all need a support system or a mentor whether we believe it or not. I want to be the voice that says “Don’t Give Up! I will help you as much or as little as you need!”
I spent a year documenting my thoughts and in that year I put as much positive in front of my face as much as I possibly could. By doing this I felt a change within me….I felt stress and anger leave my body (don’t get me wrong they still popped there head in from time to time but they no longer control me). My mind changed when I made positivity a habit….when I repeated to myself over and over again that happiness is a choice. Now that I reached that goal my mind is focused on a new goal. I will retrain my brain to absorb the ins and outs of practicing a healthy lifestyle. I will remind myself that there will be times that I will fall but it is MY CHOICE to keep going and I CAN DO IT!!!
So here goes nothing. I am going to be brutally honest and post not only my stats but also a pic of me with very little clothing. I ask that if you choose to judge to please keep it to yourself because words can do more harm than you can only imagine. The point here is to not only become healthy physically but to continue to improve my mental health more and more. That feels impossible when some jackass makes a rude comment in a moment just to feed his big ego. This blog is here to ask for your support and to offer mine in return. I have made poor choices in the past but today is today and I am doing EVERYTHING I can to make the best choices I can possibly make and to reach the goals I have had in mind for a very long time. Ok so now here goes nothing:
Day One: Tuesday January 22, 2013
Starting Weight: 200.6 lbs.
Pants Size: 16
Goal Weight: 150 lbs.
Goal Pants Size: 10-12
Days without Diet Soda: 10
Body Fat Percentage: TBD-Ordered Body Fat calculator-waiting to arrive
Upper Arm: 13.75 in.
Chest: 37.5 in.
Waist: 33 in.
Abdomen: 47 in.
Hips: 47.75 in.
Thigh: 28 in.
Calf: 16.5 in.
I started using the myfitnesspal app on my phone and I have improved my eating and working habits drastically this week and I am always amazed at how much better I feel when I do this. It seems silly that I have ever fallen off the wagon…but oh well it has happened and there is no time to beat myself up about it. What matters is my determination and my wanting to continue to look and feel better. Again, I have to stress that I am not one to believe that skinny is beautiful and my goal is not to have a rock had body….I just want to feel better in my own skin….to not cringe at my big thighs or my child bearing hips (when I have no intentions to have children). I want to look in the mirror and see progress and see a body that I know it most natural and having the extra weight that I have is not natural (it is not natural for anyone). Loving oneself should never be determined by how we look but loving oneself will never be complete if we loathe the way we look and feel. I have grown to love so much of myself and I have learned what a beautiful person that I am and what potential that I have but this is the area in which needs most attention in order to get to that place of inner peace and love that I so desire.
While writing this I can’t help but think about the numbers of young girls and women that face this same struggle and absolutely loathe their weight and their bodies. I can’t help but think about the number of cruel people in the world that throw it in their face every opportunity that they get. I understand that life is full of choices and it is bad choices (for most not all) that have made a lot of people overweight but the mockery and the pointing of the fingers will never make the problem better. If anything it is going to destroy a person more. What a lot of people don’t know is that words cut like a knife….they can do damage that may possibly never be undone. I have had one ex ask if I had ever considered gastric bypass (and even though I had been heavy I was nowhere near the weight to make me a candidate for gastric bypass). I had another ex tell me that I was just pissed because he didn’t want to fuck my fat ass anymore and I could talk to him when I lost 70 or 80 lbs. And the last guy I dated was never mean to me about my weight…he did however know that I had lost a good bit and had a goal to lose more. He told me that if I reached my goal weight he thought he might become obsessed with me. The only thing that has ever rang in my head is that who I am has never been good enough. There are various reasons why I have put very little effort into dating this past year and a half but the main reason is because I have no fight left in me….I don’t want to feel that way again……I don’t want to feel not good enough because of my imperfect body. This weight loss/health journey is not for one single man….it is for me. This topic makes me emotional because for over ¾ of my life I never talked about it….I never faced it…..I never asked for help that I desperately needed. I had a warped sense of beauty and I was never going to fit the mold that I thought everyone was wanting me to fit into. Well what I say now is FUCK THAT MOLD!!! I am crazy beautiful and nothing and no one is going to stop me from reaching MY goal. I am ok with body imperfections and not being a size 2…hell not even being a size 8. So here the journey starts…in hopes to encourage young girls and women to join me and share their stories with me so we can be a united force. As people we cannot allow the media and everyone else decide how we need to look and what size we need to be….we need to individually find where our healthy place is and join hands and get there.
So as much as this makes me cringe…I have decided to insert a picture of me in very little clothing so you (and me) can track my progress. I don’t love posting it by any means but if I am going to be brutally honest then it must be done…I know what it takes for me to stay motivated and this is it….I don’t like to fail and I don’t like to disappoint others. I ask again and again that if you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all. Your ugly words not only hurt me but also hurt EVERYONE else out there with the same struggle. I ask of you to remember what it is you struggle with (and we all struggle with something) and think about how you would feel if someone degraded it or made fun of it.
Ok well here goes nothing:
Day One Picture: January 22, 2013
As you can see I am all hips and thighs Oh well no room to bitch about it….only room to improve it